Gallery of the Absurd

Britney, Lindsay and Paris: The Three Disgraces

La Primavera is one of Sandro Botticelli's best known paintings. The angelic figures shown in this ethereal work of art all represent mythological characters. While viewing this painting at the Uffizi, my eyes were drawn to the fluid movement and delicate beauty of the Three Graces. According to Greek mythology, the Three Graces represent beauty, charm and joy. Contemporary mythological characters such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are the antithesis of grace. This makes them the Three Disgraces. They represent sleaze, trash, and desperate cry for attention. What makes these women think we want to see high resolution photos of their bald, flabby, and in Britney's case, Kevin Federline-infected genitalia? If they want to show off their crotch, why don't they just go ahead and pose for Playboy? Their girlie bits would be thankfully photo retouched to oblivion and our precious eyeballs would be spared the harsh detail of pimples, stubble, cesarean scar and general ickiness sullying their private parts. Medium: Acrylic on board. SOLD

Paris Hilton as a Proboscis Monkey

When ANIMAL magazine asked Michael K and I to come up with celebrity animals, we immediately noticed how much Paris Hilton resembles a proboscis monkey. Thing is, we found an even better animal to represent Paris....but it's a secret. You have to wait until ANIMAL no. 7 comes out to see it. For now, enjoy Paris as a primate. Proboscis monkeys are endangered, but Paris Hilton types seem to be flourishing. I wish it were the other way around. Medium: Ink, acrylic, burnt sage leaves on paper. Latin phrase by Michael K.

Celebrity Valentines: Self-Absorbed Hotel Heiress

If you've got no one to LOVE on Valentine's Day, no worries. You can be like Paris Hilton and LOVE yourself. Anyone that doesn't agree with your inflated assessment of your astounding beauty, talent and accomplishment is just jealous. You are the American dream, the perfect blonde Barbie doll, and everyone wishes they were just like you. Medium: gouache and acrylic on paper.  SOLD

Paris Hilton: American Royalty

Paris Hilton was recently quoted as saying "I'm the closest thing to American royalty."  Wow, that's quite the statement. I'm sure Americans everywhere are brimming with pride as our royal highness Princess Paris shamelessly dangles and shimmies her unbearable dullness in a vapid lap dance for the world to see. According to our beloved, yet delusional Princess, royalty is characterized by shilling herself out to low grade hamburger chains, starring in a sex video, and babbling "that's hot" because she can't come up with anything else to say.  Princess Paris claims she wants to "build an empire" with her "brand" and 14 predicts it will look a lot like Wal-Mart.