Gallery of the Absurd

Avert Your Eyes, It's Paris Hilton Sucking a Popsicle!

I know, it's gross, but I stumbled across a photo of Paris Hilton attempting to seductively gnaw on a popsicle and decided to reinterpret it in full-color Absurd-O-Vision. UPDATE: I'm not posting on Gallery of the Absurd as much due to being busy with too many projects, but I post my latest work, works in progress, and any old thing that happens to inspire me on my Facebook page. Visit me there if you're interested in seeing more ridiculousness.  Medium: digital paint.

Sure, I'd Buy Paris Hilton's Newest Perfume If...

Sure, I'd buy Paris Hilton's newest fragrance if it was created and promoted in the real life image of Paris Hilton instead of the decontaminated fake glamour she insists on hoisting upon the weary public.  At the debut party/media event for her most recent odorous concoction Tease, Paris Hilton dressed up as some sort of corpse-like version of Marilyn Monroe and struggled awkwardly to emulate the iconic sex symbol. With a ridiculously oversized wig that looked more like a bleached out Ooompa Loompa wig than a Marilyn one, coupled with a thick coat of embalmer's makeup, Paris looked more like Marilyn's stumbling zombie.  I laughed out loud.  In many of the photos, Paris poses by holding a bottle of Tease perfume "seductively" near her parted lips.  COME ON, just go ahead and forge the bottle to appear a bit more phallic and show Paris slobbering all over the bottle's tip. Don't stop there, add more layers of harsh reality (the icing on the cake!) by including the many many many drug busts Paris was involved with this year. Forget staged photographs, simply use the ones of Paris stumbling out of a VIP room in some cheesy Las Vegas nightclub. I say Paris should proudly own her tarnished image and use it to her best advantage.  Rename the perfume Sleaze and simply promote the image of Paris Hilton WE see. I sense a fresh new approach to marketing celebrity fragrances:  Reality Perfume.  Yep, just like reality TV.   If Paris had gone that route, I would have purchased a bottle... and I never buy celebrity perfumes. Medium: graphite on paper, digital paint.

 

Paris Hilton's Private Jet Flies High, Fouls The Sky

Paris Hilton's custom private jet is truly a milestone in aviation technology.  Featuring dual Jamaican Spliff jet engines powered entirely by Cannabis Sativa eco-fuel, the jet flies high above the Earth, far away from all the annoying plebeians below.  Since Paris Hilton's sizable feet are often found flung up in the air over her head, engineers used the concept to create state-of-the-art landing gear designed to withstand multiple take offs and landings. A custom queen size bed surrounded by cameras ensures Paris will have constant access to the limelight, and Wi-Fi connection allows to her to post images of herself to twitter whenever she feels the need for attention. If for some reason, Paris isn't getting enough attention, she can always call ahead and arrange for topless photos to be "leaked" and sold to the tabloids -- and make a little cash while she's at it. The only problem the jet has shown so far is a puzzling outbreak of oozing sores near the butt end of the fuselage. Engineers are still working on a fix for outbreak, but no cure has been found yet.   Yep I'm still on vacation, but when Paris hoists herself onto the public eye as she's done so much lately -- I can't help myself. Medium: Ink on paper, digital color.

Paris Hilton's Dainty Hands Now on Display

Poor Paris Hilton, when will the unforgiving public start noticing her vast talent, her selfless contributions to society, her important brand status of “like, a businesswoman”….anything other than the fact she has huge hands, hypertrophied feet, a low dull hum of a personality, an oddly shaped behind (and we all know every unfortunate inch of her intimate parts thanks to the Internet) and her charming little wonk eye? She’s a brand, folks. Don’t you understand? She’s one of America’s most recognizable exports! We should be proud of our national treasure, our American princess, our box office Goliath. Medium: Gouache on paper.

Sketchbook Chronicles: Forget Crabs, Paris Hilton Has Worms

From this week’s episode of “Hollywood Geographic”:

Biologists have recently unearthed a new species of worm: the Heiress Worm Lips. The worm lips, as seen here on Paris Hilton, are oversized, fright-inducing invertebrate that thrive as parasites on attention-hungry heiresses. Heiress Worm Lips are considered larger than humanly possible, and typically filled with Restylane. This species has little substance outside of the injected collagen and has difficulty forming big words. Worm lips can be found blowing kisses to photographers, wrapping themselves around bongs, kissing the butts of B-movie directors and latching on to Rick Salomon in the best-selling DVD, 1 Night in Paris.

In everyday language, the term worm is also applied to various other living forms, such as larvae, centipedes, shipworms and Joe Simpson. medium: ink and gouache in sketchbook, digital color, text written by Holy Candy.

Now You Can Walk in Paris Hilton's Shoes

 

You know you've secretly always wanted to walk a mile in Paris Hilton's shoes....and now you can! The ex-jailbird has announced she'll be designing her own line of shoes and only Gallery of the Absurd has the exclusive preview of two of the hottest styles from her collection. The Supertanker, shown above, features dainty ankle straps paired with sexy four-inch heels. You need not worry about the state of your pedicure because when you slip on these adorable shoes, your toes will look perfect every time.

 

Forget Jimmy Choo. Forget Manolo Blahnik. Judging from these sexy boots, Paris Hilton is sure to be the new IT shoe designer. Manufactured in China Handcrafted in Italy using only the finest leathers from the largest cows, the Paris Hilton Clodhopper is sure to become your wardrobe favorite. Don't worry about whether or not you can fit these things into your closet - the Clodhopper comes with its very own decorator storage trunk. You can use it as a coffee table and no one will ever know your Clodhoppers are stashed inside. Paris is so clever! (thanks Jessica)

 

Victoria Beckham's robot friends admire her new pair of Paris Hilton Supertankers.

 

Mary Kate Olsen tends to gravitate toward the more unusual expensive designer shoes - and that's why she simply adores her new Paris Hilton Clodhoppers.

Southern California Crustaceans: The Heiress Crab

 

I had my hand slapped recently by Paris Hilton's attorney after I painted crabs scurrying near the vicinity of her crotch. A warning to other artists and bloggers: you may not add crustaceans to any of your creative interpretations of Paris Hilton because doing so implies Ms. Hilton has loathsome diseases and you'll be threatened with defamation. However, no one said anything was wrong with painting Paris Hilton as a crab. The Heiress Crab is an invasive species of crustacean found in Southern California. It can be spotted crawling around Barneys, Kitsons, the In-N-Out Burger and in various nightclub VIP rooms. It has numerous natural enemies and can't seem to hold on to any friends. Cops enjoy pulling the Heiress Crab over not because it often breaks the law, but because they want to ask it out to dinner. Recently the Heiress Crab was sentenced to spend time in a crab trap as punishment for it's bad behavior and now it's claws are out for vengeance. Medium: oil on wood. Much thanks to GeekSugar for this nice write up and interview confirming the fact that I am indeed a geek. Update Sept. 2012: I am no longer a geek. I am now a nature freak/mystery elf.

Paris Hilton: Jail Bird

The Jail Bird is squawking mad because she thinks her prison sentence is "cruel and unfair". She refuses to take responsiblity for driving under the influence or for driving with a suspended license. The Jail Bird is very lucky she didn't kill someone when she drunkenly swerved her Mercedes into the In-n-Out Burger drive thru late one night.That would be "cruel and unfair". The Jail Bird believes she's above the law because of "who she is" and continues to blame others for her mistake. The Jail Bird is sure to be extremely unpopular in the Century Regional Detention Facility and will have to watch her back at all times. She faces being preyed upon by "very masculine lesbians" and even worse, won't be allowed to wear makeup or touch up her dark roots. The Jail Bird will spend 45 pensive nights sleeping on a thin stained mattress and a scratchy old wool blanket. I think it will do her a world of good. Medium: graphite on paper, digital color.

Paris Hilton vs. Gallery of the Absurd?

By now you might have heard I received a letter from Paris Hilton's attorney asking me to remove the parody of The Simple Life Goes to Camp from my blog. At first, I thought the letter was from a prankster. I laughed and then ignored it. I wrote to Michael K over at Dlisted to tell him about it and he said he received the same letter and that it was legit. I became extremely perplexed...how could my idiotic parody do any more harm to Paris Hilton's reputation than she's already done to herself? I asked her attorney this question and it pretty much boiled down to the fact that I added freshwater crabs to the side of the boat. Apparently, the presence of semi-terrestrial crustaceans imply that Paris has a "loathsome disease". I removed the little buggers as instructed.

As I've stated before, the illustrations on this site are born from the social commentary generated by celebrity gossip. The truth is, I'm not inspired by Paris Hilton herself, I'm inspired by you. Your blogs, your message boards, your comments, and your tabloids are what spark my ideas and amusement. The opinions we have about Paris Hilton are much more entertaining than Paris Hilton herself. There are countless references to Paris Hilton's alleged crabs to be found all over the internet and I had chosen to add that particular element to the parody. I don't have the the huge amount of cash needed to fight Paris Hilton over this, so it's much more affordable just to make the crabs disappear. I won't stop painting Paris Hilton though. Nope, as long as people talk about her, I'll continue.

With that said, thank you very much for your support and encouragement. Crab photo taken by Kipling West.

My talented pal gilmore from Pretty on the Outside made this for me to show his support. I was so touched and amused by his kind gesture that I had to post it. Thank you g!

People are now sending me their creative interpretations of this silly debacle.

Okay, back to business....

The Simpleton Life, starring Paris and Nicole

We've obtained the exclusive image of the Simple Life Goes To Camp promo poster before it was heavily altered in Photoshop. According to a source, problems plagued the set. Paris Hilton kept flashing her privates because she thought the film crew was the paparazzi. Originally, Brandon Greasy Bear Davis was hired to carry the boat over the water, but a pack of orphaned bear cubs kept following him and he had to be removed from the photo. Tinkerbell threw herself overboard in a final attempt to escape from Paris's clutches. Paris didn't notice her dog was missing until several days later. Medium: ink on paper, digital color. Yes, there's an uncensored version of this illustration and it's painted in horrifying detail.

Photo retouchers had to smooth over Nicole Richie's gaunt face and worked long hours fixing Paris Hilton's "wonky eye"

Brandon Davis sweated profusely during the photoshoot giving him a slippery grasp. Thinking Brandon was their long lost mother, hungry bear cub orphans followed and suckled at him as he carried the boat through the water. The EPA had to be called because a strange oil slick was found in the lake after Mr. Davis emerged from the water.