Gallery of the Absurd

If Kim Kardashian is a Hobbit, then Kanye West is Gollum

When I came across the headline, "Kim Kardashian furious at South Park for referring to her as a Hobbit", the image you see above is what flashed in my mind.  Wearing her most alluring outfit, the Kim Kardashian Hobbit wandered to the edge of The Shire and shamelessly flaunted her greatest asset in hopes of attracting attention. Drawn to the fiery glow cast upon her bare buttocks from the burning chasm dividing them, Gollum perched ravenously atop a Misty Mountain cliff, drooling, wild-eyed, insatiable. As each hair on the Hobbit's sizable derrier shimmered and shone like a golden beacon in the glow of the raging fire, Gollum became mesmerized and started croaking, "my preciousssssss, my preciousssssssss". (Medium: digital painting, early sketches and more details posted on my FB page)

 

ANNOUNCEMENT: This will be my last celebrity-inspired illustration for the year. I started Gallery of the Absurd in 2005 to showcase what I intended to be illustrations of contemporary folk tales inspired by the stories WE created and exchanged about tabloid celebrities rather than the celebrities themselves. I've had a great time illustrating the silly characters and outrageous narratives celebrity gossip tends to churn out, but it's time to move on and focus on fresh projects and inspirations for a while. I'll continue to post illustrations inspired by absurdity here on Gallery of the Absurd, just not celebrities. Of course, if someone wants to offer me a paying job creating celebrity gossip illustrations, then I'd certainly be interested!  I'm also planning to work on a book proposal. I came so close to signing a book deal with Harper Collins/Regan Books back in 2007, but it fell through at the last minute due to a scandal. I'll keep trying though. Thanks for reading my blog. XO14

 

San Francisco Hipster with Owl Socks and Artisanal Toast

Hunched over the captive glow of his iPhone, he was oblivious to the fact the server had just delivered his order of "artisan toast". Artisan toast is the hot new food trend in San Francisco. Basically, it's just a slice of toasted bread made from "locally sourced organic ingredients" topped with various fancy sounding accompaniments such as "hand-churned, grass-fed Petaluma butter". It costs $6.95 a slice. Anyway, I also happened to take notice of the cartoon owl socks he was wearing under his snug-fitting black suit. Medium: graphite in sketchbook, digital paint.

One of the Go-Go's Commissioned a Portrait By 14

I've not posted in a few months due to working long hours on a couple of commissioned illustrations that came my way. I was excited when Jane Wiedlin, legendary Go-Go's rock goddess and my latest Muse, commissioned me to create a portrait of her dogs based on the spooky twins from The Shining. I happened to meet her during a Bigfoot expedition deep in the Northern California redwoods last Spring. While we found not a trace of the elusive Sasquatch, we had a grand time wandering through dense forests at night with night vision goggles and professional investigators (including Bobo from TV, who brought McDonald's french fries as bait to lure Bigfoot, but ended up eating them himself because a man gets hungry out there in the wilderness). Anyway, these are the sort of antics I've been up to lately. New work coming soon and much thanks to Jane for the commission!  

Miley Cyrus' Tongue on Cover of Rolling Stone

There is much speculation, debate and celebrity derision aimed at Molly Cyrus' incessant habit of unhinging her jaw and flopping out that strangely ashen golden retriever tongue of hers. Is it supposed to be sexy?  Might it be an act of youthful rebellion? Maybe she be stricken with compulsive licking disorder(CLD)? Perhaps her tongue is a version of fly paper?  Will we ever get to the bottom of this insipid cultural phemomenon?!? Here's my version of the Rolling Stone, uh I mean the Rancid Tongue cover after I imagined viewing it through the lens of They Live glasses and discovering how the cover REALLY looks. Medium: graphite on paper, digital paint.

The Circus Side Show Performances of Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison

Courtney Stodden needs a little assistance when toddling down the sidewalk in towering stripper shoes, especially now that her center of gravity has been knocked off kilter by the weight of the cartoonishly enormous set of boobs she's acquired after a recent software upgrade. Creepy ol' Doug Hutchison is more than happy to assist his teen bride as they proudly parade in the flashing glare of the paparazzi cameras. I don't focus on as much celebrity distraction as I used to, but for some reason these two have caught my attention and I can't stop myself from clicking on any link in which they are featured. I don't know what kind of people they are because I've not yet met them in person, but I'm simply mesmerized by their brilliant circus side show performance art. Medium: graphite on paper, digital paint.

There was a photo shoot of Courtney and Doug taken a few months ago at a stripper club. She clings to the pole in a manner of what I'm guessing she considers "sexy poses". Doug stands nearby, grabbing and pawing at her young (?) flesh with his weather-beaten arms. Medium: graphite on paper, digital paint.

Earlier this year, Courtney Stodden brought her Daddy (her real Daddy) to a red-carpet launch party for her new "music" video. Many photos of the two showed her Dad leering into her cleavage or spanking her behind as she sticks it out for him. When I gazed at each of the photos, one more unsettling than the other, they all began to deconstruct into Francis Bacon-esque paintings. Medium: graphite on paper, digital paint.

Miley Cyrus Tongue Beast Performs at the MTV VMAs

I thoroughly enjoyed Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMAs this year and I hope she never ever stops unhinging her mouth and letting that huge Krampus/Ugliest Dog tongue flop around. From what I can tell, her tongue is its own lifeform, maybe even a remnant of a long lost twin. It has talent and is destined for stardom. Medium: graphite on paper, digital color. See the sketch here.

Reality Comics: Midlife Crisis Jeans

Medium: graphite on paper, digital color

Reality Comics: Flip Flops in a Restaurant

NO. Medium: graphite on paper, digital color

A little closer look at the horrific details. SHUDDER.

Is Giorgio Tsoukalos' Hair a Secret Alien Communication Device?

BREAKING NEWS Archeological Discovery: Have you ever wondered how Giorgio Tsoukalos is so certain ancient aliens once roamed the Earth and mingled with human beings? Do you really think he styles his stratospheric bouffant that way just because the man loves his hair products?  The truth is, Giorgio is a time traveling alien sent to Earth to star in a TV show called Ancient Aliens in order to teach humanity about our true origins. Embedded in his hair are nano transmitters used to pick up signals sent from fourth dimensional aliens flying exquisite golden spaceships. Not only do they divulge secrets to Giorgio, they insist he wear his brown three-piece suit every day. The higher Giorgio styles his hair, the stronger the signal becomes.  Viewers of his show may have noticed his hair growing higher over the course of the seasons and now they know why. How high will Giorgio's hair be on the next season of Ancient Aliens and what new secrets will he reveal? (Medium: graphite on paper, digital paint)

Let The Evidence Speak for Itself

Recently, archeologists unearthed a curious golden figurine while excavating Mayan ruins in Palenque. The figurine appears to depict a large-haired humanoid waving his hands with emphatic excitement. A small monkey holding some sort of smoking apparatus appears at the figurine's sandal-clad feet. Could this be evidence that Giogio Tsoukalos lived among the Mayans as a alien entity who taught the people advanced astronomy and hair-styling techniques....as ancient alien theorists believe? (Medium: graphite on paper, digital paint)

Does this ancient aboriginal cave painting in Australia prove the theory of Giorgio Tsoukalos' time traveling abilities? Yes it does, without a doubt.  (Photo from Mysterious Universe. Trickery supplied by 14.  Until I figure out how to add a Facebook button to my blog, please visit 14 here.)

Celebrity Hair Beasts: William Shatner and the Lawn Sod

Many pals suggested I create Shatner's toupee out of troublesome Tribbles, but after careful consideration, I concluded his most recent "hair" resembles those squares of sod you get for your lawn at Home Depot except that it's all dried out from drought and ravaged by weeds and gophers. Needless to say, I like it. Medium: Digital paint. Visit 14's Facebook page for more inane nonsense.