Gallery of the Absurd

Heidi Montag's Giant Boobs Will Make Her Famous

Self-obsessed starlet thing, Heidi Montag recently underwent multiple cosmetic surgical procedures and debuted her new look on the cover of People magazine. Before, she at least had a little character, but now she's a dead-eyed, frozen-faced blurry vanilla beige amalgamation of every other bouncy blonde in Hollywood.  I had a tough time drawing her because quite simply, I can't see her. Despite the fact she's had so much botox and restylane pumped into her 23 year-old face, the art directors at People decided they still needed to photoshop her to oblivion. What does Heidi look like now?  I don't know, but one thing we ALL know is that she has massively gigantic boobs.  And those boobs are what's going to make her interesting to us.  She claims she did it because it will help her career as a pop star, but since her "music" sounds like a bunch of chipmunks with jackhammers, I'm not too sure it will pay off.  I could be wrong though - maybe that's what the kids are listening to these days. Regardless, Heidi says her triple D boobs aren't large enough and she's going to pump those things up to an H.  Poor Heidi will continue striving to be "the prettiest girl" and we all get to watch the disaster unfold as she continues her public quest for fame and perfection. Jocelyn Wildenstien is going to have some stiff competition soon! Medium: Heidi and Tiger are graphite and digital paint, Obamas and Tila are photoshop hack jobs.

 

Paula Deen's Empire of Butter

I was a bit bleary-eyed when I walked past the newsstand on New Years Day and spotted a Paula Deen magazine. Not yet awake and my mind still fuzzy, my eyeballs were hijacked by what appears to be a human marshmallow with a blinding smile displaying a tray of gooey chocolate desserts. Nuts, whipped cream, and peanut butter were swirled together with chocolate sauce - and because that's still not enough sugary sweetness, a nutter butter cookie was shoved in for good measure. Ms. Deen holds one of the desserts up to her head. They are practically the same size. I glanced at the magazine title: Quick and Easy, but in my delicate state I read it as "QUEASY".  

After the trauma passed, I decided to learn more about Paula Deen.  Are you hungry? Go to her website and find such delightful recipes as Deep Fried Lasagna, Gooey Butter Cake, or burgers served on a Krispy Kreme donut. But that's not all, Paula Deen has built an empire! Not only can you purchase Paula Deen cookware, spices, condiments, and pork shanks, she's gone all Ed Hardy on us with crystal-bedecked key chains, reading glasses, and checkbook covers, with more shiny trinkets sure to follow.  Paula isn't worried about her health and doesn't believe in exercise (it KEELS y'all, and makes you drop over DAY-ed), but watch here as she lifts a dumb bell for the first time in her life and slobbers over her "hot young trainer". Uncomfortable. Medium: Acrylic and gouache on paper, digital text.

Jessica Simpson: The Preacher's Daughter Featured on Cosmo Cover

Passing the newsstand last week, my gaze could not help being assaulted by the lurid Comso cover. Like an aggressive streetwalker indiscreetly peddling her wares, the Cosmo cover simply refused to be ignored. Jessica Simpson's poorly photoshopped boobs are surrounded by day-glo colored words such as NAKED, SEX, SKANKY and ORGASM. A headline, Your Orgasm Face, What He's Thinking When He Sees It includes a cartoonish Mr. Bill O-face graphic - just to drive the point home further. Visually overwhelmed and wavering between amusement and revulsion, I came home and painted the image seared into my mind. Below is the original cover, but there's really not much difference between the two. Medium: Watercolor and acrylic on paper, digital color.

 

If Scientists Were Tabloid Fodder

I've always wondered what our culture would be like if we obsessed about the private lives and accomplishments of scientists, researchers and great thinkers the same way we obsess over celebrities. Would we follow closely the scandals of scientific study the same way we follow the scandals of Britney or Madonna? Would certain appealing scientists be given their own reality shows? Perhaps Scientific America would become an easy-to-read weekly and Maxim would include a bevy of young female astronomers and genetic researchers in their annual Maxim Hot 100 List.

 

Scientists aren't known for their style and fashion sense, so they'd be easy targets for the snippy quips of Star magazine's "Star Style Stalkers". Fashion designers would quickly seize the chance to start creating more fashionable lab coats and safety glasses and we'd see them featured as product placements in major motion pictures. Waiting lists would begin for the most sought after designer lab coats and prices would skyrocket once Chanel and Versace got into the game. Soon, Joan Rivers would show up on the red carpet to pick apart those heading to the Dirac Prize awards show and the E! Channel would run all day coverage.

 

Us Weekly's infamous Just Like Us feature would show us pictures of scientists living their lives in ordinary ways we can identify with. They really are just like us!

TMZ cameramen would flee the popular celebrity hangouts in Hollywood and park themselves in front of research institutes across the world. Forget the lurid appeal of the Mini-Me sex tape, everyone's talking about Jane Goodall's chimp scandal.

 

Perez Hilton would likely make up goofy nicknames for leading scientists and then scrawl over their photographs. Of course Perez would also let you know about Perez's fabulous new haircut and Perez's hot new diet body and Perez's stylish clothing line at Hot Topic. Yay!

Popular US Tabloid Makes Debut in The UK

Celebrities, drugs and booze is a winning combination. When the glossy new tabloid Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol launched a few months ago, newsstands couldn't keep them in stock and subscription rates went through the roof. The success of Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol is no-brainer because there's never an end to the gushing wellspring of material. The magazine is such a huge success that a UK version has been launched for our friends across the pond. Get the latest dish on Kimberly Stewart's lusty groping of boozy Jude Law's knickers. What caused a full-scale health panic across London? Learn how Lily Allen spends quality time with her dad, and find out what gave Kelly Osbourne such unsteady trotters ...all in sensational vivid detail!

The UK version of Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol includes a delightful British humor-infused advice column written by Pete Doherty's cat. As you might remember, Pete was photographed giving his cat a few puffs off his filthy crack pipe. Thankfully the troubled feline has recovered and turned his life around. He now works as a lifestyle guru and devotes himself to helping other troubled citizens. Medium: Photoshop composite. Done in collaboration with Candy Kirby. Dear Dinger column written by Candy Kirby.<

Exclusive: First Look at Jennifer Lopez & Babies on Cover of People

Max and Emme are ready for their six-million-dollar close-up: We have your first look at Jennifer Lopez and her bundles of joy. Remove your shoes, put on a surgical mask, and go inside their home as the 38-year-old star and husband Marc Anthony, 39, talk about parenthood and break out their finest bling for an exclusive family photo album. Plus Lopez opens up about her sleepless nights waiting for the wet nurse to feed the babies, the benefits of using diamond chip-laden baby lotion and why babies named “Max” have become as common in Hollywood as former Disney stars in rehab.

Says Lopez of motherhood: “I couldn’t be more proud. These guys are the first good thing I’ve made since ‘Out of Sight.’”

Be sure to check out the entire article in the new issue of PEOPLE, which we’re rushing onto newsstands as soon as possible to recoup our exorbitant investment, as well as our loss on the Aguilera cover. (We knew we should have let OK! have it.) Medium: graphite on paper, digital color. Text written by Candy Kirby.

Second Issue of Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly

Great news: According to initial sales reports, the first issue of Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly flew off of newsstands! With such a strong response and wealth of material, they have already pulled together a second issue of the glossy tabloid — and publishers were kind enough to share a sneak peek at its cover before it hits the stands. As you may remember, Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly explores the saturated world of celebrity substance abuse and other fun topics. Regular features include “Mug Shot Makeovers,” “Jailbirds: Just Like Us!,” “DUI Fashion Police” and “Who Snorted It Best?” as well as interviews with Jack Daniels fans such as Tara Reid, Vince Vaughn, Amy Winehouse and Mel Gibson. Medium: Photoshop composite, created in collaboration with Candy Kirby. Post written by Candy Kirby.

New Tabloid! Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly

A glossy new celebrity tabloid is scheduled to hit the stands this spring – because the world doesn’t have nearly enough of them – and the editors were kind enough to send a few preview issues for exclusive promotion on Gallery of the Absurd and Candy Kirby.
Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly explores the saturated world of celebrity substance abuse and other fun topics! The rag is projected to outsell both Star and US Weekly combined, just based on the amount of stories celebrities generate for the magazine each week. Regular features will include “Mug Shot Makeovers,” “Jailbirds: Just Like Us!,” “DUI Fashion Police” and “Who Snorted It Best?” as well as interviews with Jack Daniels fans such as Tara Reid, Vince Vaughn, Amy Winehouse and Mel Gibson. Best of all, Courtney Love has agreed to write a weekly unsolicited advice column called "Ask Courtney". This, I believe, is the best feature in the magazine (see below).

Keep an eye on newsstands because you won’t want to miss the premier issue of Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly featuring a bevy of blonde boozehounds, as you can see above. Celebrity substance abuse: it’s never been hotter!

Tara Reid photo by Pacific Post News via PageSix.com

Medium: photo composite, digital text, graphics created by 14 in collaboration with Holy Candy. Courtney's advice and post written by Candy Kirby. Much thanks to Holly.

Mel Gibson: Boozing With Beelzebub

Cranky old Mel Gibson was set loose one night after a vodka-fueled night of debauchery in a popular Malibu watering hole. Weaving recklessly around the hairpin curves of the Pacific Coast Highway, cops quickly pulled him over. Reeking of alcohol and wild-eyed, Mel stumbled out of his car and launched into one of those typical "do you know who I @%*&# am?!!?" tantrums so often witnessed in the Los Angeles area. He slurred on and began insulting the cops with hateful racial and sexual epithets and soon found himself in jail. Mel has since offered a public apology and is meeting with various Jewish communities to aid in his "journey to recovery". His sordid story combined with our obsession with vintage sci-fi and horror pulp fiction novels inspires today's post. Medium: Graphite and ink on paper, digital color/layout. Pulp title by Holly Aguirre. UPDATE: This image of Mel appeared on the E! Channel's Daily 10 on Nov. 1. Thanks E! SOLD