Gallery of the Absurd

Instagrams of the Future: Caitlyn Jenner

A decade from now, Caitlyn Jenner will be known as a great American icon and our greatest cultural export. She will be adored and admired by millions and there are even college courses dedicated to study her life. In 2027, at the age of 77, She releases Caitlyn: A Peek Into My Boudoir, a best-selling coffee table book of saucy pin-up portraits of herself posing in sexy lingerie. Medium: digital paint.

Instagrams of the Future: Kylie Jenner

This is how I imagine Kylie Jenner’s Instagram feed will look 10 years from today.  She’ll still be vehemently denying the use of any cosmetic surgery and will have built a vast billion dollar empire peddling her Kylie’s Lip Kits to the masses. Medium: digital paint.

If Kim Kardashian is a Hobbit, then Kanye West is Gollum

When I came across the headline, "Kim Kardashian furious at South Park for referring to her as a Hobbit", the image you see above is what flashed in my mind.  Wearing her most alluring outfit, the Kim Kardashian Hobbit wandered to the edge of The Shire and shamelessly flaunted her greatest asset in hopes of attracting attention. Drawn to the fiery glow cast upon her bare buttocks from the burning chasm dividing them, Gollum perched ravenously atop a Misty Mountain cliff, drooling, wild-eyed, insatiable. As each hair on the Hobbit's sizable derrier shimmered and shone like a golden beacon in the glow of the raging fire, Gollum became mesmerized and started croaking, "my preciousssssss, my preciousssssssss". (Medium: digital painting, early sketches and more details posted on my FB page)

 

ANNOUNCEMENT: This will be my last celebrity-inspired illustration for the year. I started Gallery of the Absurd in 2005 to showcase what I intended to be illustrations of contemporary folk tales inspired by the stories WE created and exchanged about tabloid celebrities rather than the celebrities themselves. I've had a great time illustrating the silly characters and outrageous narratives celebrity gossip tends to churn out, but it's time to move on and focus on fresh projects and inspirations for a while. I'll continue to post illustrations inspired by absurdity here on Gallery of the Absurd, just not celebrities. Of course, if someone wants to offer me a paying job creating celebrity gossip illustrations, then I'd certainly be interested!  I'm also planning to work on a book proposal. I came so close to signing a book deal with Harper Collins/Regan Books back in 2007, but it fell through at the last minute due to a scandal. I'll keep trying though. Thanks for reading my blog. XO14

 

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West as Booty And The Beast

A delightful storybook romance staring Kim Kardashian as Booty, Kanye West as The Ego Beast, Bruce Jenner as Taut Teacup, Kris Jenner as Leaky Teapot, Khloe Kardashian as The Khlock, and tragic Kris Humphries as Old Flame:

"When Booty’s magical 72-day marriage tragically dissolves, her mother warns that she must find a famous suitor to keep her name in the tabloids, lest she fade from public memory like her old friend Paris Hilton. 

“Think of the family,” her mother implores.  “Mama’s Bentley is not going to pay for itself.”

Despite her uncertainty about the exact meaning of “suitor,” Booty bravely scrolls through the contacts on her phone to see if there is somebody…anybody…in the Greater Los Angeles and New York areas she has not yet dated – all in the name of keeping the Kardashian Kollection alive at Sears for another day. 

Suddenly, Booty stops on a name and gasps. 

“No.  Not him.  I couldn’t…”

But it is too late.  When Booty’s mother sees The Beast’s unsmiling face appear on the screen, she insists on making the union happen.

“To Nobu, it is!  I will alert TMZ.”

At first Booty is apprehensive about a boyfriend who doesn’t play a professional sport, and whose “greatest pain in life” is that he “will never be able to see himself perform live,” but soon the paparazzi’s tremendous interest in them puts her at ease.

One of the most ego-filled romances of all time, Booty and the Beast appeals to a horrifically large number of people who have made Ryan Seacrest an even richer man."

A preview of some of the pages included in the Booty and The Beast fairy tale: 

His face stretched beyond recognition, Bruce Jenner is Taut Teacup.

Kris Jenner will do anything for money. If she's not allegedly selling Booty's sex tape to porn sites, she's yammering on and on about her incontinence problem, plus other TMI subjects we don't want to hear about.

Khloe Kardashian is The Clock that ticks louder and louder with each passing day.

Once a dim flame who lit Booty's fire in make-believe land, Kris Humphries' blaze was quickly stomped out by a whiny herd of stilleto-wearing Kardashians. Medium: ink and digital color. Character design and illustration by 14, concept, rhymes and story written by Candy Kirby of The Laughing Stork.

Pimp Mama Kardashian And Her Kash Kows

It's simply mind boggling how this entire Kardashian Konglomerate all started with a butt.  One day The Butt decided to film itself having sex and "leak" the tape onto the internet. Once unknown and lacking any discernible talent, The Butt rose to meteoric international fame after the video was released and soon The Butt began appearing in the pages of all the trashy tabloids. The Butt's money-hungry mother soon saw dollar signs dangling before her eyes and arranged for The Butt to endorse countless lucrative commercial offers. Not content with fame-whoring her favorite kash kow, she paraded out her other daughters and began pimping them too. After that, there were even more daughters!  All dutifully played mommy's game of fame whoring, but The Butt remained the family's treasured golden egg. One day while the mom of The Butt was changing her adult diaper, a brilliant idea occurred to her: stage a fake wedding for The Butt and make mega millions off all the endorsements. Who cares if The Butt doesn't yet have a fiance, any big galoot will do. However the real brilliance behind mommy's idea is that this wedding hoax will end in divorce at just about the time her book is released.  BRILLIANT! Now mommy is spinning The Butt as some sort of Liz Taylor because The Butt is a multiple divorcee and has lots of jewels. Ugh. Medium: Ink on paper by Chuck Frazier, concept by Chuck Frazier, digital color by 14.

The Kardashian Fame Beast is Set To Take Over The World

Even if you try, you cannot escape the unrelenting bombardment of the Kardashian beast across all media. You attempt to ignore them, but they'll eventually seep into any open crack available and find their way into your awareness.  This ubiquitous and alluring beast can pop up anywhere from ill-fated credit cards, diet pill scams, perfume, clothing and even kitchen appliances.  I made that last one up, but you just wait - it'll happen. In the same spirit as natural history artists sketching the mythical beasts of exotic new lands as described by early explorers, I attempt to illustrate it.

At first, there was just one.  Its name is Kim and it became famous due to its abundant hindquarters and also for a starring role in a "leaked" sex tape. Soon it went on TV talk shows and appeared in magazines to discuss its shame over the sex tape, but it realized its sexy image could be turned into a Kash Kow^(TM) so it posed nude for calendars and magazines and then later cried in shame over them.  Predictably, it was offered multiple mind numbing reality shows and two other sisters, Kourtney and Khloe were unveiled. 

Photos posted across the internet showed the beast had somehow melded together into a Kardashian Khimera Konglomerate. The one with the butt usually stands to the left, the giant insecure one, often referred to as "Sasquatch" and in constant battle with the tabloid press over claims of pregnancy, towers in the middle, and the tiny one with a kid stands to the right. This terrifying Kardashian Khimera continues to expand exponentially. Two more K sisters have recently been paraded into the spotlight and they too have a unquenchable thirst for fame. Many rumors abound over its ability to simply lay eggs, each one engraved with a K, so to continue its quest for world domination.  Oh yeah, I almost forget...

There is the occasional appearance of a male figure on the reality show and though he makes weak attempts to keep his underaged daughters from writhing around stripper poles and working as bartenders, he's often ignored as though he's a bump on a log. His name is Bruce Jenner and he wears his hair styled so it appears to be blowing in the wind as though he's still racing around the track even though he's standing still.  He's had multiple cosmetic surgery procedures which have given him a taut, yet melty appearance. It's very puzzling.  Medium: graphite on paper, digital color. Original sketches may be viewed here. Original Kardashian Khimera available for purchase. Act fast if you want to buy it. Just kidding, there's no rush.