Gallery of the Absurd

Lindsay Lohan's "Golden Charms of Crime" Necklace

To commemorate Lindsay Lohan's latest criminal charge, Tabloid Treasures Jewelers, in association with Kamofie & Company, a publicity-hungry Venice jewelry store, is proud to present this lovely Golden Charms of Crime collectible necklace. Crafted from gold-toned metal and coated with tarnished sheen, each charm represents some of Lindsay's most notable crimes, even the ones she denies. Don't worry, there's plenty of room on the necklace to attach additional charms in the likelihood she continues her daring crime sprees in the future. Sparkling factory-created genuine diamonds add dazzling allure...and at the price of only $19.95, this necklace is a steal. Medium: graphite on paper, digital paint.

Celebrity Sex Tapes Now on Compilation DVD - Order Today!

Imagine if you could watch all the best celebrity sex tapes on one action-packed DVD in the comfort of your home.  Imagine the time saved by not wasting hours searching online for grainy film clips and screen shots of desperate fame-seeking circus animals celebrities performing sex acts on camera. Order Now That's What I Call Stupid Celebrity Sex Videos today!

That's right, all your favorite celebrity C-listers EXXXPOSED!  Watch in awe and titillation as Kim Kardashian grunts and moans as she shows you her biggest ASSet. Just try and stay awake as you watch Paris Hilton's most notable performance of her career. What is that small brownish alien-looking thing chirping and squealing you ask? That's Tila Tequila! Hotness! Try not to let the vision of Fred Durst's O face or Verne Troyer's wee tongue traumatize you too much. Yes, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee are on there, but we know it's Screech's sex romps you really want to see.

Order Now That's What I Call Stupid Celebrity Sex Videos today and you'll also receive the Tiger Woods collectible Skank of the Month calendar -- absolutely FREE!  Each month features a full color photo of one of Tiger's cocktail waitress mistresses - and there's so many of the lovely ladies that we can offer calendars all the way through 2014!  You can see the quality of the calendar as the lovely Ms. Shauna Sand displays it for you in the offer above.  How can you say no to FREE?

But that's not all!  If you order Now That's What I Call Stupid Celebrity Sex Videos in the next 15 minutes, we'll send you this scandalous collection of celebrity sex clips caught on hidden camera.  This is the video Hollywood doesn't want you to see.  Enjoy the bedroom antics of such sizzlingly sexy entertainers as Joan Rivers, David Gest, Kirstie Alley and more. Because the quality of entertainment has fallen to such sordid depths these days and fame can be so easily achieved simply by appealing to the lowest common denominator, this DVD is expected to sell out quickly.  Don't miss out, order today! Medium: A collaboration between Charles Frazier and 14. Concept and pen & ink illustrations by Charles Frazier, design, writing and photo collages by 14.

Heidi Montag's Bust of a Bust Now Available!

Heidi Montag adores her mega-boobs so much that she commissioned a commemorative "Bust of a Bust" musical monument for her new line of Heidi Montag Collectibles.  Factory-crafted in China using only the finest genuine simulated marble, the Bust of a Bust monument is sure to be an attention grabbing addition to your home decor.  You'll marvel over the lifelife hardened lumps glowing wantonly under the built-in spotlight, and if that's not enough to grab your attention, a buzzing glow of pink neon will constantly remind you of one of Heidi's most memorable recent quotes. It only gets better because the Bust of a Bust is not only pleasant to look at, it also plays music. Yes, now you can listen to a selection of hits from Heidi's new album Superficial, which she claims is going to be a bigger success than Michael Jackson's Thriller! 

Listen to a sample of Heidi's remarkable music here:

Heidi Song

 Medium: Graphite on paper, digital color, photoshop. Heidi Song composed and sung by 14.

For The Brangelooney on Your Christmas List: Touched By A BrANGELina Decorative Collector Plates

Confused about what to buy the obsessed Brangelooney on your Christmas list? Look no further, get them the Touched by a BrANGELina Decorative Collectible Plates and they'll be foaming at the mouth in an uncontrollable frenzy. Each handcrafted porcelain plate in this collection is shaped in a circle to reflect their beautiful family circle of love. Because the Jolie-Pitt clan is more than just a family, they truly are angels sent from heaven. Honor their blessed impact on our lives and choose your favorite offspring from a wide selection of children in Brad and Angelina's enchanting rainbow family, including Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh and the Holy Twins, Knox and Vivienne - with many, many more to come!

Display this Touched by a BrANGELina collector plate collection proudly in your home, or choose to throw them with delicious force at pictures of Jennifer "Maniston!" Don't miss this chance to celebrate the most blessed of families. Frighteningly strong, obsessive-like demand is expected for this beautiful plates, so order today.

The Joe Biden "Loose Cannon" Talking Doll

Heavenly Handfuls®
Miniature Loose Cannon Doll Collection

$69.99 (+ raised tax for those making more than $250,000/year)

Behold the most precious member of the Talking Vice Presidential Candidate Doll® collection!  This Amtrak-riding senator is a real handful, from threatening his own running mate about gun control issues, to admitting Hillary Clinton would have made a better vice presidential candidate, to displaying an embarrassing lack of knowledge about the Franklin D. Roosevelt years.

He sticks his foot in his mouth over and over again!

Pull the Joe Biden Doll’s string, then sit back and watch as he repeatedly inserts his foot into his own mouth:

"A man I'm proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States — Barack America !"

"Stand up, Chuck, let 'em see ya" (to Missouri state Sen. Chuck Graham, who is in a wheelchair)

"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy" (re: Barack Obama)

Experience an astounding level of cringe-worthy gaffes with this Talking Vice Presidential Candidate® Doll!  Available exclusively from the U.S. Department of Toys and Doll Services, the lifelike Joe doll is a remarkable addition to the collection, which also includes the adorable Obama, McCain and Palin talking dolls. Joe arrives in a blue suit, and even comes with FREE hair plugs, Botox needle and extra veneers. Don't wait, strong demand for this loose cannon is expected -- order now!  Medium: ink on paper, digital color.  Concept created by GOTA and Holy Candy. Text and post written by Candy Kirby. 

By Popular Demand, The Sarah Palin Talking Doll

Political Miracles™ Lifelike Beauty Queen-Turned-Vice Presidential Candidate Doll only: $59.99 With change of clothes: $150,059.99 This Talking Vice Presidential Candidate Doll™ is truly a political miracle! Plucked from the relatively obscure shelves of Alaska , the Sarah Palin doll has been repackaged in fancy new clothes and is now being marketed to millions of fascinated Americans. Snuggling comfortably in the palm of hard-core conservatives, she looks like a relatable hockey mom. Be prepared to be endeared by this self-proclaimed down-to-earth moose hunter; when you pull her string, she will distract you from her lack of knowledge with confident winks and chirps of “you betcha,” “darn tootin’,” “doggonit” and “let me talk about energy policy instead…” At first glance, the Palin doll appears to be a work of modest craftsmanship. But spend hour after hour with this lifelike doll in the national spotlight and watch those humble, of-the-people details unravel to reveal expensive Kawasaki frames, Manolo Blahnik pumps and an increasingly heavy lead core that can be used to sink certain presidential candidates. Available exclusively from the U.S. Department of Toys and Doll Services, this beautiful, lifelike Talking Vice Presidential Candidate Doll arrives with a FREE gun and drill – the perfect accessory for an Alaskan governor who resolutely supports drilling for oil in the pristine Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Weakening demand is expected; however, you still won’t want to miss out on this doll, which has made the U.S. presidential election truly unique and entertaining. So order now! Joe Biden Doll being offered soon. Medium: ink on paper, digital color. Concept created by GOTA and Holy Candy. Text and post written by Candy Kirby.

Get Your Barack Obama and John McCain Talking Dolls Today!

 

Talking Presidential Candidate Dolls: So Truly Real

Available for Express Ship
Available in 2 installments of $30.00 US

Now this is definitely the most adorable talking presidential candidate doll collection around this election season! Sure to bring a giddy smile to the faces of both liberals and conservatives – at least until November 4 – this first-ever collection of Talking Presidential Candidate Dolls® features lifelike vinyl replicas of Democratic candidate Senator Barack Obama and Republican candidate Senator John McCain.   You’ll be amazed by their expressive little faces, animated limbs and so much more.

They ramble and mislead like a real politician!

Pull Barack Obama’s string, and he will awe and inspire you with his heaven-sent baritone voice, which makes his vague, oft-repeated promises of “hope” and “change” sound like angels singing in divine harmony.  And watch as Obama politely, yet frequently, raises his hand to interrupt his opponent!   Just don’t pull the string too hard, or Obama doll will hem and haw with unintelligible fillers such as “uh” or confuse you by encoding his promises in the inviolable language of math. Sample mind-numbing mathematical phrases include:

"Fifty percent tax credit!”

"Cut taxes for 95 percent of workers!”

"If you make $250,000 a year or less..."

“Ninety-eight make less than $250,000…”

Don’t bother shaking the lanky, lovable doll to make him stop.  The Barack Obama doll is so unflappable, you can throw him against the wall and he still smiles from ear to ear! 

When you pull the McCain doll’s string, watch out for the cloud of dust!  He will pump his adorable fists of fury as he spends more time bashing his opponent than trumpeting his own ideas.  Listen as McCain growls eye-roll-worthy rhetoric over and over again:

"Who is the real Barack Obama?"

"The fundamentals of our economy are strong!"

"My friends…"

"I know how to fix the entire world!"

Handcrafted by master artisans and available exclusively from the U.S. Department of Toys and Doll Services, each of the collectible dolls in this Talking Presidential Candidate® collection is more appealing than the puppet currently in the White House. Don't delay! Intense demand is expected for these little charmers, so order now.

Medium: ink on paper, digital color. Concept created by GOTA and Holy Candy. Text and post written by Candy Kirby.

 

Clay Aiken Fans Swoon Over His Latest Collectible

After posting the Shine of the Brangeloonie, a few GOTA readers requested a shrine for the Claymate species. I thought about what the average Claymate might appreciate and after careful study, concluded that most are likely to be collectors of the sort of trinkets seen advertised in the back of Ladies Home Journal. There's a good chance many of them own unicorn figurines, music boxes, frightening dolls, Disney trinkets, or something atrocious by Thomas Kinkade. I realize it's a gross generalization, but I'm sticking to my instincts after examining several Claymate fan sites. I believe I've created a dazzling Clay Aiken tribute they won't be able to resist: The Clay Aiken Singing Angel Music Box.

I was right. Look at the happy faces and joyous camaraderie of the Claymates as they show off their Clay Aiken Singing Angel Music Box during their Claymate-themed pizza party in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Kidding aside, please do visit the most amazing Claymate site I've ever come across. They bring a plastic bunny named Ms. Bucky to the Claymate parties and feed it wine and make it watch Clay Aiken videos. Genius. Medium: Photo composite, digital paint, Clay's head courtesy of Wenn, this post directly inspired by this dlisted entry.

Hey kids, get your "Daddy Dearest" Talking Dolls before they sell out!

Alec Baldwin recently suffered the sting of humiliation after an angry voice mail tirade he left to his daughter was made public. Toy makers quickly scrambled to create a talking doll based on the "bitter dad" phenomenon and recently launched the Alec Baldwin Daddy Dearest Talking Doll. Pull Daddy Dearest's string and prepare to be shocked over the profanities escaping from his mouth. Each time you pull the string, you'll marvel at how Daddy Dearest begins to redden as he trembles with livid anger. Wait a few seconds and hear him start yelling at the top of his lungs! Daddy Dearest is sure to be at the top of every kid's wish list. Medium: graphite on paper, digital color, paint, sage.

Thomas Kinkade's Newest Collectible

An article in the Sunday Edition of the NY Post reports Thomas Kinkade, America's Most Successful Living Artist, urinated on a Winnie the Pooh figure outside the Disneyland Hotel in Anaheim. Kinkade might be known for his paintings of wholesome candy-colored blobs of heavenly "light", but he'll go down in history as more of a "lifestyle marketer" than "artist". He's a rock star in the eyes of his collectors (which are mostly female) and he knows exactly how to seduce his rapt audience into buying the useless landfill trinkets his company spews out regularly. He's such a marketing genius that he'll even take his urinating on Winnie the Pooh fiasco and turn it into a profitable endeavor. The Thomas Kink-Aid Cuddle Bear Urinal is my vision of what this product might look like.

To see a more R-rated version of a Thomas Kinkade trinket I did a while back, click here.
Read more about Kinkade's empire here.
Thank you Holly for the tip.

UPDATE: Winnie the Pooh was just awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Don't tell Thomas Kinkade!