Gallery of the Absurd

The Strange Habits of the Madonna Chipmunk Exposed

The Madonna Chipmunk is a fame-seeking, scrawny little rodent that annoys most anyone who comes in contact with her. Her range of habitat is vast, worldwide and relentless. The Madonna Chipmunk is easily spotted wherever opportunies arise for her to promote herself. Really, it is difficult to avoid spotting her...unless you live in a cave. 

Her predatory habits include stalking and pouncing on much younger men, especially sexy Latinos.  A cunning evolutionary trait developed to satisfy the creature's desperate need for attention, she knows all cameras will be on her each time she nibbles the tender young meat of her victims. She also enjoys stuffing her cheeks full of Restylane Berries because she believes they give her a youthful appearance, but they are indeed what causes her to resemble a chipmunk.

She may be identified by her distinct chirp, a smug yapping tinged with an abrasive fake British accent that spews egotisical proclamations each time she opens her mouth.  Her mortal enemy is Elton John and both are often spotted viciously chirping at each other in the public arena. If you're looking to deter the Madonna Chipmunk from entering your garden, simply plant a smattering of hydrangeas on your property (she absolutely loathes them), play certain Lady Gaga songs over a loudspeaker, or leave a copy of the Daily Mail laying around. Medium: graphite on paper, digital paint)

The Slithering Spectacle of the Courtney Stodden Lizard

The Courtney Stodden Lizard childbride hypersexualus is an aggressively hungry, fame-hunting species of the common reptile. Its habitat is varied, but it prefers dwelling in areas offering it a chance to create an embarrassing spectacle of itself. It may be spotted teetering and strutting on its stripper-heeled claws to places like shopping malls, swimming pools and pumpkin patches. It's often thrown out of these areas for being "too sexy", angering Moms and luring Dads. 

Its odd behavior of awkwardly contorting its body into what it believes to be sexy poses has been caught on film and continues to baffle behavioral scientists. Common behavioral traits such as puffing up its globe-like chest while strainfully arching its back or flicking its restless tongue over frosted pink lips was adapted as a way to attract males of the human species. Body language is its main method of communication, but it can also be observed making inane twittering noises and jibbering in vocal fry. In a mate, the Courtney Stodden Lizard prefers creepy middle-aged males who dress in faded 80's-era dark clothing and who sprout odd filaments of hair-like growth atop their heads when its not covered by a bandana or beanie. Medium: Ink on paper, digital paint. 

The Miley Cyrus Bong Bunny Makes A Profitable Pet

Continuing with the Critters Weekly magazine concept, we examine the profitability of the Bong Bunny as a rewarding family pet.  Economic times are tough these days, so that's why more families are considering bringing a Bong Bunny into their home.  For maximum results, plan to adopt your little Bong Bunny while it's still young enough to be a useful money-generating commodity for Disney. They'll carefully cultivate a squeaky clean image for it, teach it to sing and dance, then slap its brand image all every conceivable trinket your kid could ever want. Once your Bong Bunny grows older, it loses its baby fur and soon grows scraggly and rebellious.  Fear not however, there is still plenty of money to be made through scandal as long as you enthusiastically encourage your Bong Bunny to engage in lucrative activities such as pole dancing, leaking sexy photos (complete with duck face of course!) of itself on the Internet, bong smokin' and displaying its shapely bunny tail to old drooling baboons in the audience. The Bong Bunny doesn't require much parental supervision, so it makes an easy pet for busy families.  Medium: digital illustration.

Tori Spelling Stars in "Attack of the TORPION!"

The Torpion is a much feared creature of the Tiresome Diva species. It may be observed crawling about the streets of Beverly Hills and is occasionally spotted in New York during Fashion Week.  Often dressed in showy frocks of silk, it can best be identified by its bulging eyes and inexplicable hardened globes sprouting from its bony chest plate.  Yet despite such obvious identifying features, it often goes unrecognized - which sends it into a predictable fury. Do not attempt to block the Torpion's access to backstage VIP events for it will surely fly into a rage and begin yelping as it attacks with its large claws. Medium: ink on paper, digital color. Much thanks to Stephanie for sending me the delightful Daily Mail link.

The Nadya Suleman Octomom

The Nadya Suleman Octomom is a new species recently discovered in the Los Angeles area. Her mating habit consists of visiting fertility clinics and impregnating herself with as many spawn that will fit into her capacious womb. She uses her well-manicured eight tentacles to juggle her 14 children while flipping through the pages of any magazine featuring Angelina Jolie.  The suckers located underneath each tentacle allow the Octomom to grab as much tax payer money as possible and to also seek out lucrative endorsement deals, expensive makeup, and maybe even grab Oprah's attention or get her own Bravo/Discovery/TLC/blah blah blah show like the other famous Duggar-esque families out there.  

I tried so hard, so very hard to ignore the Nadya Suleman story, but it was near impossible. She's everywhere - there is no escape.  A few days ago while having an uninspired day, a cheery email from a reader landed in my in-box requesting that I "please please please" draw the "Octo mom". I figured, why not?  This is for you Elizabeth! Medium: Graphite on paper, digital color.

Cover Your Ears, It's the Elisabeth Hasselbeck Screech Owl

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Screech Owl
Vociferor Conservativus

The Elisabeth Hasselbeck Screech Owl is a small, loud, opinionated Owl of the Species vociferor conservativus, indigenous to the United States’ Right-Wing regions.

It is a bleached-blonde Owl that sits erect and is always prepared to tearfully defend its territory should any creature attack the Bush Administration or theistic evolution, or question the Iraq War. The Screech Owl’s feathers are easily ruffled; however, recent field reports indicate the Owl is capable of graciously cooing, rather than screeching, at the most unexpected times. This is the first time the Owl has been known to eat post-election crow.

The Owl was first spotted in the Australian Outback, where zoologists originally called the cute bird a “Survivor Sweetheart.” Now living in New York City , the Owl migrates to Republican events across the country during election season.

Most owl species depend on camouflage, stealth and small animals to survive, but the Marc Jacobs-clad Elisabeth Hasselbeck Screen Owl seems to defy all the conventional owl wisdom, surviving on a diet of FOX News, Rosie blood and egg white omelets with spinach. The Screech Owl’s only natural enemies are its co-hosts and liberals. Medium: Acrylic on paper, digital paint, photoshop. Concept created by GOTA and Holy Candy. Latin name and description written by Candy Kirby.

Behold The Sparkling Jay-Z Bling Turtle

The Bling Turtle is an obscenely wealthy reptile of the Species Ostentātus hyp-hopio mogula, whose soft body is shielded by a diamond-encrusted shell.

Unlike other reptiles, Bling Turtles travel by white Escalade and private yacht, and live primarily on cases of perfectly chilled Armand de Brignac. They will withdraw their head into their shells when asked whether they are, in fact, married to their longtime girlfriend; however, they are also known to become aggressive when provoked by fellow hyp-hopio artists – which rap zoologists have identified as “Nas” – with “oh no, he didn’t”-type lyrics dismissing Bling Turtle as serious competition.

The Bling Turtle is indigenous to New York City, and can be found overseeing his many business ventures; piling on yet more bling; supporting the Yankees with a perpetually crooked baseball cap; sailing to the South of France; delivering clean water to Africa; and retiring from music-making – and repeatedly triumphantly returning to music-making. Medium: graphite, ink on paper, digital color and bling. Idea of Bling Turtle came to me after Candy Kirby suggested Jay-Z might resemble a turtle. Latin name and description written by Candy Kirby.

Meet The Cackling Bowl Cut Chimps

The easiest way to identify this curious species is by the identical bowl cut hairstyle each family member adorns itself with or by the wide-mouthed grimace they display when cackling. Despite the fact the female towers over the male, she submits to his control and has been observed taking on his hobbies, habits and interests. The male is easily agitated, excitable and aggressive toward anyone who dares to criticize his peculiar belief system. If your car breaks down on the highway, you had better hope a Cackling Bowl Cut Chimp is nearby because they're the only ones who can help. Medium: Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Suri: liquid pencil and watercolor on paper. Palm trees: digital sketch. Original sketch shown here.

Stella McCartney Launches The Heather Mills Jewelry Collection

Clothing designer Stella McCartney will seek sweet revenge on her gold digging, one-legged ex-Stepmonster by offering a single-leg pendant as part of her new Heather Mills jewelry collection. It was hard enough to watch her father marry and then divorce the greedy money-grubber, but what finally sent Stella over the edge was Heather's tearful woe-is-me media campaign against Sir Paul. Click here to see the rest of Stella's lovely collection of Heather Mills jewelry, including the Gold Digger Charm and the diamond encrusted Evil She-Devil Pendant. Medium: photoshop goofiness, concept created by Holy Candy, jewelry designed by 14.

Lohan Boa Constrictor Swallows Sambora Mouse Whole

Once upon a time, there lived a lonely boa constrictor out in the middle of a Utah rehabilitation facility. This lusty little snake was starved for fresh meat and seething with insatiable desire. One day, a dazed, middle-aged mouse was brought to the rehab facilty. The hungry freckled snake spotted the paunchy old mouse and began to salivate with ardent desire. "Fresh meat, fresh meat, now I shall eat!" exclaimed the nubile reptile, and then she carefully slithered toward the hapless lumpy mouse, wrapped her lusty young body around him, and slowly began to devour the endomorphic rodent. The mouse seemed to enjoy himself even though he knew he was in mortal danger. The end. This dark fairy tale was inspired by Michael K's update about Richie Sambora entering the same rehab facility as the one Lindsay Lohan is currently staying. MK wrote, "I can see her now, slithering into his room like a freckled boa constrictor. She'll take a hold of his mouse and won't let go until she's swallowed it whole. He doesn't have a chance in hell." How could I not illustrate that? Medium: Gouache on vellum. Much thanks to Moonmaid and Filmwatcher2002.