Gallery of the Absurd

Gossip Monsters: Britney Spears

It sprang to life after a barefoot pop star dropped a cheeto on the floor of a public restroom located in a gas station just outside of Malibu.  The filthy floor combined with the moist bathroom environment formed a petri dish of primordial ooze just waiting for the right element to spark it to life. When the cheeto hit the floor, the bright day-glo orange dust bonded together and formed a strange bipedal creature with wide-set glassy eyes in search of bright day-glo orange things to consume. When its mouth isn't being used for purposes of consuming or lip syncing, it can often be observed forming a curious grimace.Two bag-like protrusions hang listlessly from its torso and its straw-like "hair" attracts birds for its ideal nest building material. While the creature is often spotted barefoot, it can often be observed wearing torn fishnet stockings or rotted old boots.  Scientists aren't sure why it appeals to so many people worldwide, but some speculate that it might be a mind-control Disney zombie set loose to mesmerize and distract the masses.  Sounds like the most logical explanation.

Disclaimer: This is NOT a portrait of Britney Spears, it's a portrayal of a Britney Spears chimera created from the very best scraps of her sordid gossip. Britney fans need not worry about their precious idol being vilified. Medium: graphite and acrylic on paper, digital color.

Britney Spears' Private Fantasy Island Discovered

In a recent MTV documentary, Britney Spears revealed her desire to escape from the glare of the paparazzi by moving to her own private island. "That would be heaven - to have my kids on an island, and a man, and nobody can get to us." Sensing that Brit already had the island and has been keeping it a secret, we sent our reporters to remote areas of the South Pacific in order to track it down. What we found was astounding -- an unassuming island has indeed been transformed into a Britney Spears pleasure palace. Since The Isle of Britney is wired with sensors immediately disabling any camera for miles, we asked our cartographer to create a map we could share with our readers. As you can see, the singer has spared no expense to create her own island fantasy. State-of-the-art security surrounds a mega mansion featuring a recording studio, gym, skating rink, nightclub, and a Italian stone fountain gurgling with Red Bull. The grounds feature paved trails so Brit can indulge her kids in their favorite activity; being pulled around in a wagon. The sun drenched white sands of Possum Island, located near the Sea of Frappuccino is where Britney spends most her time sunning and enjoying the nearby Taco Bell tiki hut. To make herself feel more at home when nature calls, she's installed a replica of a filthy gas station bathroom. Her bothersome father lives in a tent out near the Strait of Y'all.

Britney's island contains species not found anywhere else on the Earth. It appears Britney commissioned highly trained genetic biologists to create specialized flora and fauna to suit her demanding needs. Seen above is a branch from the curious Southern Cheeto Tree, found in the vast Cheeto Orchard surrounding her home. Anytime Brit craves a cheeto, she simply reaches up and picks a fresh one off the heavy branches. Specialized Britmunks live in the trees and enjoy nibbling the cheetos that happen to fall on the ground before Brit can pick them. They keep the grove very clean and neat.

 

The most amazing spectacle on the Isle of Britney is the Food Court Reef. It's no wonder Britney has taken up deep sea diving - the reef is brimming with her favored food sources such as the delicious spicy Taco Trout, juicy Cheeseburger Clams, and most astounding, the Jumbo Fries Coral featuring schools of cute little Ketchup Packet Fish especially adapted to live among the stalks of golden fried goodness. Medium: ink, acrylic, photo collage. Much thanks to Candy for the gas station bathroom idea.

Various Reviews of Britney's VMA Performance

I didn't watch the VMAs. Sure, I was curious about how Britney's big "comeback performance" would go, but I knew it would be all over the internet as soon as she finished, so why bother? Since I'm more inspired by what you have to say about Britney Spears rather than Britney Spears herself, I decided to illustrate some of the more interesting opinions I found regarding her performance:

 

Chris Crocker, Britney Spears fan/sobbing YouTube sensation, launches into tearful hysteria and eardrum-busting screams as he pleads to all of us to leave Britney alone. "Her song is called Gimme More for a reason because all you people want is more more more! LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!! sob."

 

Nekesa Mumbi Moody of the Associated Press wrote that Britney's performance consisted of "lethargic movements that seemed choreographed by a dance instructor for a nursing home."

 

Michael K of Dlisted wrote, "I could have dressed a sack of potatoes up in a sequined bikini and turned a tired track on and have gotten a better performance and better lip-synching skills."

 

 

Dan Aquilante of the New York Post called Brit's performance "totally lame, pathetically lip-synched" and that "Spears was stuffed into a spangled bra and hot pants and jiggled like Jell-O as she sleepwalked through the song." What got me is when I read the part about how Britney "danced like she had a pantload." Ouch.

Child Rearin' and Drivin' Tips From Britney

Are you sick and tired of your kids ruining all your fun? Do you yearn to party with strippers all night, grope strangers in pools, and jet off to Las Vegas on a whim, but your kids are holding you back? Can't find enough parked cars to ram your Mercedes into? Not sure which side of the road to drive? Do you find child-safety seats a big hassle? Then you need Britney Spears' comprehensive and educational new book, "Britney's Drivin' Manual and Parentin' Tips." You'll learn to balance the demands of parenthood while actively pursuing the 24/7 party lifestyle of a fallen pop star. Britney's tips are so easy, anyone can do it! Here's a sample excerpt:

"Sometimes it's so hard to party with yer friends when the babies won't stop cryin'. To keep them lil' critters quiet, I just pour sodey pop in their bottles and they hush right up. If y'all is concerned about what the sugar will do to their teeth, don't worry, you can just take 'em to the dentist to git their teeth whitened. Oh, and you will not believe this y'all, but I done learned that if ya feed yer youngins a big bowl of ice cream before bed, the cold will make 'em sleepy. That's right y'all, I know the secrets pediatricians won't tell you."

Medium: ink on paper, digital color, pixie dust. Thanks Neal for the inspiration.

Is Britney Headed for Another Breakdown?

US Weekly recently presented compelling evidence that Britney Spears may be headed toward another apocalyptic public meltdown. The clues are there, and US Weekly was the first to warn the public of the impending disaster. The tabloid asked "experts" to observe Britney's current behavior/fashion choices and compare the results with her pre-meltdown behavior/fashion choices. US even went and found real live doctors to test their hypothesis! Now that's credible reportin'. Dr. Martin Pennington, a clinical psychologist with over 25 years of experience and Dr. Robi Ludwig, a psychotherapist/TV host gave their expert commentary on Britney's condition and the prognosis doesn't look good. Here are the four warning signs:

 

4. Britney was flashing flesh before her first meltdown and now she's doing it again. These days, she can be seen parading around Hollywood wearing sheer tops with brightly colored bras - that is, if she chooses to wear a bra at all. She has no problems going out in public looking like a tawdry scarecrow. "She's saying 'I'm doing what I want to do when I want to do it,'" Dr. Pennington says of Spears.

 

3. Britney wears the same old pair of rotting boots every day. "It's a form of rebellion," says Ludwig of Spears' tendency to wear the same boots over and over...She's thumbing her nose at everyone."

2. For some reason, chihuahua puppies figure into the equation. According to the doctors, excessive chihuahua cuddling is symptomatic of a looming meltdown. "It's about being wanted and appreciated for who she is" says Ludwig.

 

1. Britney has once again dyed her hair dark - this does not bode well. If you'll remember, she had dark locks before she grabbed the clippers to shave that mess off. "When Britney was blonder, she was 'good,'" says Ludwig, "Now she's getting in touch with her 'darker' side." Medium: graphite sketches torn out of sketchbook with digital color added.

Britney Spears vs. The Paparazzi

After viewing the photos of Britney Spears' umbrella attack on the paparazzi, I felt as though I had gazed upon something I wasn't meant to see. It felt a little creepy viewing photos of someone who is obviously in great distress, but at the same time, photos like these sell tabloids and increase traffic to the gossip blogs. Britney's plight reminds me of the movie poster for Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds". Just like Tippi Hedren, Britney runs screaming in horror as the winged beasts swoop down upon her. She may want (and certainly deserves) her privacy now that she's trying to recover, but I wonder if she'll seek out the attention of the paparazzi when she's ready to make her big comeback. Medium: gouache on paper, photoshop.

Bald Britney!

I saw the bald Britney Spears photos this morning and for some reason, Mr. Clean came to mind. Yes, I could have named the product Ms. Dirty, but these days little Ms. Britney is more crazy than filthy. Just take a look at some of these recent headlines. Is the drunken tattooed sailor look the next hot fashion trend for hard-partying Hollywood starlets? If so, I'm all for it.

UPDATE: Many artists and tricksters have been inspired by Britney's Head Shaving Incident. Here's a song, a cookie, a tool for enlightenment, and a selection of wigs.

Le Avventure di Britocchio

Britocchio is a tale about an animated wooden puppet who longs to be a real girl. The original story is a much more complex allegory, but we're going to keep it simple. Each time Britocchio tells a lie, her nose grows longer. A few weeks ago, Britney Spears collapsed and had to be carried out of a club on New Years Eve. Much debate arose over what caused this "collapse". The New York Post claims she guzzled too much booze and passed out, while Spears' reps claimed she was simply tired and needed to take a little nap. Whatever the cause of her blackout, speculation was stirred and many armchair observers concluded that Britocchio had lied. Poor little wooden puppet, at least she has her friend Rummy the Cricket to keep her company. Medium: Oil on wood. SOLD

Britney, Lindsay and Paris: The Three Disgraces

La Primavera is one of Sandro Botticelli's best known paintings. The angelic figures shown in this ethereal work of art all represent mythological characters. While viewing this painting at the Uffizi, my eyes were drawn to the fluid movement and delicate beauty of the Three Graces. According to Greek mythology, the Three Graces represent beauty, charm and joy. Contemporary mythological characters such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are the antithesis of grace. This makes them the Three Disgraces. They represent sleaze, trash, and desperate cry for attention. What makes these women think we want to see high resolution photos of their bald, flabby, and in Britney's case, Kevin Federline-infected genitalia? If they want to show off their crotch, why don't they just go ahead and pose for Playboy? Their girlie bits would be thankfully photo retouched to oblivion and our precious eyeballs would be spared the harsh detail of pimples, stubble, cesarean scar and general ickiness sullying their private parts. Medium: Acrylic on board. SOLD

Celebimals: Britneyroo and the Freeloading Federline Lizard

The poor little barefoot Britneyroo (careerisoverum) is worn down and burdened from always having to lug the Freeloading Federline Lizard (paraciticus wannabeus africus reptilia) around in her pouch. The Lizard sits back, cracks open a 40 ouncer, and daydreams about one day becoming a big rap star. He never has to lift a finger to do anything other than keep the Britneyroo knocked up. What a life the slimy little Lizard has. Medium: Ink, acrylic on paper, Britneyroo Latin name by Kipling West, Lizard Latin name by Michael K.