New Tabloid! Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly

A glossy new celebrity tabloid is scheduled to hit the stands this spring – because the world doesn’t have nearly enough of them – and the editors were kind enough to send a few preview issues for exclusive promotion on Gallery of the Absurd and Candy Kirby.
Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly explores the saturated world of celebrity substance abuse and other fun topics! The rag is projected to outsell both Star and US Weekly combined, just based on the amount of stories celebrities generate for the magazine each week. Regular features will include “Mug Shot Makeovers,” “Jailbirds: Just Like Us!,” “DUI Fashion Police” and “Who Snorted It Best?” as well as interviews with Jack Daniels fans such as Tara Reid, Vince Vaughn, Amy Winehouse and Mel Gibson. Best of all, Courtney Love has agreed to write a weekly unsolicited advice column called "Ask Courtney". This, I believe, is the best feature in the magazine (see below).

Keep an eye on newsstands because you won’t want to miss the premier issue of Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly featuring a bevy of blonde boozehounds, as you can see above. Celebrity substance abuse: it’s never been hotter!

Tara Reid photo by Pacific Post News via PageSix.com

Medium: photo composite, digital text, graphics created by 14 in collaboration with Holy Candy. Courtney's advice and post written by Candy Kirby. Much thanks to Holly.

Comments

[Sebastian]

is this a joke? i cannot imagine that someone would buy this.
i like to watch celebrieties that are drunk and do some nasty things but a whole magazine about it? i wouldn't buy it.

regards,

sebastian.

[Sahn]

Is Kate Moennig (Shane on the L-Word) doing hard drugs? She looks sick and skinnier than usual.

[Jenn F.]

Yeah, things seem boring when they're over your head.

[sbomb]

What a waste of time....boring.

[Jenn F.]

Adam, you are a true gift to humankind.

[midevil]

Cosmic Moondust?

*is jealous*

[Adam Smith]

Mellen Wrote:

"I am asking a serious question-

Is this magazine for real, or a spoof?!

If it's a spoof, IT REALLY IS FUNNY. But if this mag is for real...lol.. Oy!!"

Yes,it is completely 100% real.

As are the events documented in my last comment.

By the way Fourteen,I've talked to my dealer and he said he'll ignore the usual three year waiting list,since I've vouched for you.So if you're ever in London,you can score whenever you want,all you have to do is pass a small written and verbal reasoning exam and you'll be in.Five hundred words on why you would make a perfect client of his is also required.

His speciality is in obscure and unusual intoxicants,so going in and asking for easy to find stuff like Magic Pizzas or Cosmic Moondust,will be met with an alarming degree of derision.

At present I'm just coming off of something called "Shaman Juice".Basically,it gives you the sensation of giving birth to your self,while levitating about ten feet above yourself.A sense of the ego simultaneously destroying itself whilst creating itself,a perfect metaphysical paradox if you will.

While under the influence I got to know my true inner self, and found out I did'nt like my inner self much,but promised to keep in touch by E-mail.Which is a complete lie since I gave myself a fake E-mail adress.

That sanctimonious pious inner self will never find me again.

[mellen]

I am asking a serious question-

Is this magazine for real, or a spoof?!

If it's a spoof, IT REALLY IS FUNNY. But if this mag is for real...lol.. Oy!!

[hugaliciousgurl]

The picture and headline featuring Tara Reid... PRICELESS!

[Demon Kitty]

I should subscribe to this fucking magazine ...mmmm....or rather. When I'd imbibe gallons of red wine in public, I kinda looked like Lindsey. The only difference was that I was usually attached to a really butch black lesbian and not some hairy white guy. I remember trying to remove a woman's pants with my teeth and later on eating fried pickles and attempting to order Cappuccino.

Now days I stay home and enjoy the warm fuzzy feeling a get from slowly ingesting a bottle of red as it seeps into my Lexpro saturated brain. However, lately I have been getting inadvertently fucked out of my mind, because now that I am also on Wellbutrin xz or whatever the fuck it is called, it gives me more energy and counteracts that warm fuzzy serotonin induced feeling of the Lexapro and now I find myself inadvertently drinking more.

I was appalled to find out that Paris Hilton went to a fucking Lword premier party and got all lovey dovey with my favorite dyke in the world, Kate Moennig. Is nothing fucking sacred? Paris is like a fucking virus. No living creature is safe from her.

[midevil]

Cork's face is gorgeous! She's a superheroin user, you know!

Ah...

[Ashley]

Basically I want to not only be a subscriber, but a full on groupie for this magazine. Sheer brilliance.

[PoorBritney.com]

Classic!

[PoorBritney.com]

teee heee'ng all the way to my blog. Hilarious!

[Jenn F.]

Sheer brilliance. You two are the best.

[Adam Smith]

I've already read a copy in the foyer of my dealers luxury apartment.Is this available to the great unwashed as well? I assumed it would remain exclusive,like Paris Hilton's Poodle fighting ring.

By the way,you should have seen the way I took that Poodle Champion out.Let's put it this way, that Flash Idiot will never lick his balls again without some sort of assistance.Kicked that bastard's face right off,(that'll teach him to bark at me sarcastically).

After I'd bested the Poodle,Paris laughed and laughed,like she'd seen a man made out of balloons make sweet love to a porcupine.Looking at her with disgust I strode over to her and said,"That Poodle knew more dignity and honour than you are even capable of understanding.A cornered Poodle has the strength of a thousand men,where as you,Ugly Girl Child,are small and insignificant like an Ipod Nano for undersized midgets.It is clear to me now that you are the sum total of all that is crass and mediocre in our culture,a vile
agglomeration of the venal and mercenary that knows nothing of mercy and compassion".
She then looked me up and down and,said
"I'm sorry could you say that again,I was thinking about something else".Instead I gave her the abridged version,which was,"Simply put and in the most polite way possible,the general perception is,that you are a Cocksucking Layabout born of Rich White Trash mixed in with a huge pile of Coke".
Once I recovered from the injuries inflicted on me by her Bodyguards I returned home.
Needless to I'm out of the Poodle fighting scene now,(of which she is the kingpin).
But I digress.

The reason I was at my dealers was to check out this new drug fom the gay scene in Tokyo,apparently it makes you feel like you're made of soup,with different levels of intoxication analogous to crouton concentration in real soup.The only "drawback" is that it makes your piss smell of aniseed,but that was a risk I was prepared to take.I'd been made to wait for a while because of some rather asinine comments I'd made about whether it came in little sachets or tins,also because my dealer likes to lie,by making out he's busy boning Kate Moss and that she had to leave by a side entrance.Believe me,that is all lies.

While I was waiting,my eyes flitting over copies of "Obnoxiously Expensive Sports Car Weekly","The Coke Dealers Herald"-sample headline,"How To Dispose Of Informants Or Rivals Body Parts In Ten Easy Steps",I chanced on this little periodical.
It really is very informative.
The Celebrities bit was good,but my favourite items were the tips and tricks sections.
Of particular interest were the articles on how tie one off while injecting Heroin,(to think for all these years I'd been performing the procedure incorrectly,silly me),and "Crack Cocaine etiquette.Do's and Don't",that last one in particular will prevent a lot of embarassing faux pas occuring from now on.For $9.99 a year it's an absolute steal, I could'nt recommend it more.

[Shelly]

This is so sad, yet feels so right. Why?
Because the worst thing most of us do is have a few cocktails and post something beligerant on WOW. I don't think I'd take MY crazy to the streets after the FIRST unflattering incident. These people are my Hero's. I really have my shit together in comparison.
Thanks 14.
Oh,and one more thing..... POLAGE ME!!!!!!
Mucho Love,
Shells.

[vern]

Yu hve creayted a reel "meating of the mynds!"

[gilmore]

Where can I send my $9.99 for a year's subscription?