The Simpleton Life, starring Paris and Nicole

We've obtained the exclusive image of the Simple Life Goes To Camp promo poster before it was heavily altered in Photoshop. According to a source, problems plagued the set. Paris Hilton kept flashing her privates because she thought the film crew was the paparazzi. Originally, Brandon Greasy Bear Davis was hired to carry the boat over the water, but a pack of orphaned bear cubs kept following him and he had to be removed from the photo. Tinkerbell threw herself overboard in a final attempt to escape from Paris's clutches. Paris didn't notice her dog was missing until several days later. Medium: ink on paper, digital color. Yes, there's an uncensored version of this illustration and it's painted in horrifying detail.

Photo retouchers had to smooth over Nicole Richie's gaunt face and worked long hours fixing Paris Hilton's "wonky eye"

Brandon Davis sweated profusely during the photoshoot giving him a slippery grasp. Thinking Brandon was their long lost mother, hungry bear cub orphans followed and suckled at him as he carried the boat through the water. The EPA had to be called because a strange oil slick was found in the lake after Mr. Davis emerged from the water.

Comments

[mz.black]

that shit iz fun az h3ll !!!!!

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[Juno888]

..lol!this is beautiful..
keepit up!im glad found this site..

[cherise]

nothing short of a masterpiece!!! i wish more was done to nicole richie's face though

[James]

Haha...I like the lawyerly comment above regarding "loathsome disease." How 'bout "chastity in a woman"? LOL.

[amanDUH]

HILARIOUS!!!!

[larry]

I think the picture is right on the money! You should have made her nose longer though!

[pilarica]

you are brilliant. this is one of the funniest things i've ever seen!! i love the fact that paris and her people freaked out over the crabs and had you remove them. if they aren't an issue then why should she care?

in all seriousness though, i thought freedom of expression protected satire in particular...according to the supreme court if something is so unbelievable that no one could possibly confuse it for reality then it can't be censored (larry flint case). i think the law is on your side more than paris' in this case.

[Demon Kitty]

Ha ha hahaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!! This shit is making me laugh so hard!!!!!!!!!

Jenn, "man yoghurt" and "mucus" didn't make you shudder? LOL!!!!!

HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jenn F.]

* still shuddering at the term "luv gravy" *

[Demon Kitty]

I love the way we have gone from the burning issue of Paris Hilton's crabs to Adam Smith's "big cauldron" of "man yoghurt". However, we have managed to stay in the crotch and that is good.

[Adam Smith]

Either that,or masturbating to Knox was as big a turnoff as Leper Porn. I let go of the rocket in my pocket and all I got in return was a burnt out sparkler.
That big cauldron of silken strands had to go somewhere though.

Don't make me angry, I won't like me when I'm angry.

[Adam Smith]

Judith Dolphin:

"Adam, when you said reproductive mucus, did you mean you shot your luv gravy while getting angry at Knox?"

Yes.

His wavy old locks and rugged ancient surfer looks caused an uncontrollable ejaculation of man yoghurt to fly across the room.

I thought I was straight until I saw Knox,looking like a cross between Kurt Russel and James Brolin,with the soul of a poet.This confusion at my sexual status lead to some uncontrollable venting.
At first I thought it was anger,but now I know it is love.

[Judith Dolphin]

Adam, when you said reproductive mucus, did you mean you shot your luv gravy while getting angry at Knox?

[Jenn F.]

Adam, you are an absolute treasure to the comment section of this site.

[Knox Bronson]

Dear Adam-

Thank you for a great laugh. I needed it, too.

I was watching the movie "Bobby" right before I read your response to me. I was seventeen when RFK and Martin Luther King were shot, so it was an emotionally wrenching film and your letter made me laugh out loud.

You might want to read my pieces at my site (click on my name) entitled "November 22, 1963: The Coming of the Great Darkness," parts 1 & 2 ... part 3 to come. In the Overload section. Then you will know what a great comic relief your letter was to me, in the midst of reliving my despair for our republic.

In regard to all that other noise of yours: If you got something to show us - some art, some writing, some music, anything, throw DOWN bitch. Otherwise you will just always be, Adam Smith, Pissant, around these parts.

Anyway, kid, I mean "Adam," keep it up. I'll let you know if you are ever ready to play with the big boys.

[Adam Smith]

Critique of a malformed intellect:

By Adam Smith.Superbastard.(Apparently).

Subject:Knox Bronson.

Affliction: Either,Five Penny Twammer,Small Bean Regarder,Dead Nine Volt Battery,or Akward Silence Between Strangers In A Lift.

Diagnosis unclear:-

Probably,Addled Windowlicker.

There I was happily posting away,thinking that the comment section of a blog was for comment of any kind,negative or positive.Honestly,how foolish and misguided of me.I really am a low born peasant,with no idea of the appropriate way in which proper discourse should be conducted.

What was I thinking?

It seems that in your world,the sole purpose of the comments section is to praise the author,in a kind of online simulation of the State of North Korea,under Kim Il Sung,(look him up, he's in one of those musty things adults call books).One must praise all their works no matter what,or face the pathetic wrath of Knox Bronson.Very similar to being savaged by a dead sheep, but far less unsettling.

I'll cut and paste the rest,since I work online,have a deadline to meet and insulting you is like throwing pennies at the sun in order to make it hotter.

Fun,but ultimately pointless.

A cut and paste job is all your worth.

1)Idiot:-"Adam Smith - who the fuck are you to suggest what would have been more powerful social satire?"

Me,myself and I.

Existing is all it takes to have an opinion.An intelligent person then backs it up,with either empirical evidence,or logical argument.My last post utilised both.

Equally,I could critique you,for your critique of my comment.
Because in the end, who the fuck are you?
I have a sneaking suspicion,that you're used to hearing this question quite often.

Fourteen passed my last comment,without feeling the need to refer back to you on that one.She no doubt sleeps well at night,knowing that there are other people in the world who may take issue with her emphasis in a drawing,(including members of the legal profession).She really does'nt need a self appointed Thought Police.
She seems perfectly able to look after herself. The last week has been a demonstration of that.
My comments pro or contra hardly matter in that context.

2)Cock-Fart:-"I suggest you take some time and learn how to draw and start your own blog!"

Here's what I was saying about empirical evidence. You have know idea of what skills I have,or any knowledge I may or may not posess,yet the million chimpanzees typing away in your brain,decided to venture a guess anyway.You don't know me from Adam literally,metaphorically and corporeally, yet you speculate on the basis of nothing.
For all you know, I may have twenty blogs - or none - and be the next Picasso.I may even be a Turing test for finding wankers on the net,then engaging them at their own puerile level,before disconnecting their Broadband connection.

Ha,made you check.

3)Dribbling Moron:-"And then post for a few years, building an audience and developing your craft ... and then ... people like you will show up and tell YOU how to do it."

No doubt they would.Some of the more negative comments may be of value.
They may make me re-think my position.
It's a blog not an Absolutist State,
the thoughts and ideas on it can be contested.What's the point in taking a position, which you share with the world, if you can't have it questioned?
You might as well play speed chess with a dog.

At the moment I'm talking to an old film making friend of mine about finding an actress to play Paris Hilton,in a drunken idea,we had for a film parodying her.
Paris dry humps a huge Teddybear get jizzed in the face by it,then gets set upon by angry muppets.If I manage to find the right person to play Paris,you can watch it,then tell me it's shit.You may even be right.I may even agree with you.

4)A Squished Cerrebelum:-"Either that or hire some pissant newspaper to hire you as a critic."

Do you have any idea how the capitalist economy works? Apparently,according to you,I would employ my employer to employ me.This is the kind of linguistic lunacy worthy of "Kwika".
Maybe you could hire them to hire you.

5)Nightmares in a damaged brain:-
"But, that all said, I want you to know I, along with everyone else here, really value your opinion."

Then why insult me at the beginning and question my right to voice that opinion?
A bit strange that.Do you go around punching people,then apologizing?

The only person I wish to apologize to is Fourteen.For taking her away from her excellent artwork to read this.

I just split up with my girlfriend of a year,because apparently, I'm "too argumentative".Naturally I disagreed.I said I preferred to call it "lively debate", things kind of got worse from there.
Hence my slightly irritable mood.

Knox Bronson can email me with a riposte,
I will then forward it to all my friends with this picture and message attached:

http://mitt.blogeoisie.com/public/Images/giant_rabbit.jpg

This is Knox Bronson, Floppy Eared Giant Twatty Cockwad.
A complete waste of reproductive mucus.

[Knox Bronson]

Adam Smith - who the fuck are you to suggest what would have been more powerful social satire?

I suggest you take some time and learn how to draw and start your own blog! And then post for a few years, building an audience and developing your craft ... and then ... people like you will show up and tell YOU how to do it.

Yeah ... that's the ticket!

Either that or hire some pissant newspaper to hire you as a critic. But, that all said, I want you to know I, along with everyone else here, really value your opinion.

[Kai/ Shalom]

I don't see what the big deal is, if she is known to have genital diseases, why does one versus the other matter? She has them, and as far as I know, it's not like crabs is the absolute worst, most horrible of the bunch. She already has the reputation. 14's certainly not the first to suggest she has crabs, and anyway, if she did, how is that really affecting her life? People won't want to sleep with her? Uh, well, we already know she has herpes, and I'm guessing some people wouldn't care anyway. Having a medical condition isn't indicative of anything, anyway, as "prefer not to say" said. If Paris wasn't already known for being a skank, no one would know or care that she had STDs. She's already shown off her infected crotch, anyway. No, the worst things about Paris Hilton happen to be things she herself are responsible for. If she is really concerned about her reputation- she should have tried to fix that a long time ago.

Recommendations to Miss Paris for fixing said reputation: becoming friends with known classy people, charity work or raising awareness for some cause, wearing modest clothing, keeping your mouth shut most of the time, try getting an interesting personality and not the "dumb blonde skank" one, not appearing in upcoming "Simple Life", developing her own unique look (I'm getting tired of her "smirk, blonde weave, head tilt, little dog, overplucked eyebrows" look. All very "come hither except remember I'm too good for you".) Look, I'm sure you have quite a staff making sure you're happy and trolling websites like GotA to find insulting things about you so you can sue, can't they perhaps instead give you a little PR advice? Your popularity right now is so bad it's gone into negative points- right into the sewer.

P.S. Leave 14 alone. Thank you!

(Your token Jewish commenter with a side order of attitude)

[Demon Kitty]

I should get a life and quit posting, but this is like smack.

You see, I don't think any of this has to do with herpes per se. I think this all has to do with Paris Hilton's lack of shame. The woman has no shame, nor does she seem concerned about the consequences of her behavior. Didn't she say "I am Paris Hilton, I do what I want"? She could give 2 shits less about how her actions affect other people. This picture is also an example of her not wanting to accept the repercussions of her behavior. The woman has no shame: the classic symptom of a narcissistic personality disorder. Any other human being who had herpes would likely be ashamed. I have to say that her lack of shame is the one thing that I find most annoying about her. So anything about her that other people would be ashamed of, is like crack cocaine to me in a sense. If she had genital warts, it would be like fucking manna from heaven !!!! It is hard to pity someone who has no humanity. I seriously doubt that Paris Hilton feels connected to other people who are afflicted with genital herpes. She probably thinks they are trashy for having herpes even though she also has the disease. I feel sorry for her pets.

[Dennis]

i see her attack dog lawyers made you take the poor diseased infested CRABS out of her herpes infected/riddedn coochie. I dont blame you, she is pissed, because we all know the truth hurts. we all no bird nose had STD's anyway. LOve the way you drew her big hooked nose and lazy eye. You forgot about her truck load full of blue contacts for her brown eyes. Love the Valtrex prescription. good job.

[La BellaDonna]

On behalf of I'd rather not say (who has my sympathy), I'd like to add that if you participate in oral sex with somebody who has a cold sore (ordinary boring herpes simplex), you can wind up with genital lesions. No, it isn't herpes zoster; but you can wind up with herpes simplex/cold sore lesions in the same place herpes zoster generally affects; I know someone it happened to.

So, something else to worry about: if your partner has a cold, or is coming down with one, think twice about how you choose to be intimate.

[Adam Smith]

Well said.

Personally,I think people's obsession with Paris' status regarding this particular ailment is misplaced.The only thing that was funny regarding that,for me,was the stupid term,loathsome diseases.
This has more to do with my dislike of euphemism than anything else.

Look at the other flaws she has, such as being a snob,ignorant,racist,unkind,venal,
boring,homophobic,vain,shallow,along with countless other negative personality traits.
People instead,automatically go for the one thing that she might concievably be pitied for.

I know that 14, paints the gossip and hype surrounding these figures.
Modern celebrities are as much symbols of consumption as they are people,Fourteen's perception is therefore in the abstract.
Paris is the ultimate celebrity in terms of being a symbol of consumption and little else.When viewed from this perspective,critiquing her is like critiquing the swooosh on a Nike trainer.
She has no discernible skills or even charisma, so she is in herself,as we percieve her,all and only product.
A cheap and shoddy one at that. What we see of the "real" Paris is not good.Unfortunately I think the emphasis here was wrong. Though one can defend the right to take that emphasis.

It would have been far more powerful from a satirical point of view to show her for the racist bastard she is.How she can have a popular television show after her numerous outbursts on this matter is a disgrace.
Oh well, maybe next time.

[mm]

wheres the cunts cunt?? im wondering if it had a crab (or two) crawling out of her rotten hole??

[Demon Kitty]

Dear I'd Rather Not Say,

I tried to send you an email. I apologize for getting so self absorbed with my "I hate Paris Hilton schadenfreude" to the point where I was insensitive and therefore hurtful.

I was behaving like Paris (self absorbed) and that was not good.

You are very patient.

DK

[Demon Kitty]

I just found out that Paris is designing clothing for Steve Madden or whatever the hell. Anybody need a pair of shiny white hot pants? I wonder if the crotch is missing?

[LoRenE]

jeez louise...who wants to hear your herpes life story...everyone has herpes...who cares! its just funny is all! shit..get off your "i'd rather not say high horse!"

[Knox Bronson]

What happens to you if OTHER sites post the original poster? Are you held accountable in anyway? I mean, say if a blog had the before and after pics with a story ... that would just be news wouldn't it?

Couldn't get you in any trouble, right?

Jusk askin' ...

love you Mx. 14!!!

[I'd rather not say]

Regarding herpes. Without passing any sort of judgement on Ms. Hilton or speculating whether she is indeed positive for one of the Herpes strains, I think a lot of misinformation is floating around.

Having genital herpes DOES NOT necessarily make you a disgusting or promiscuous person. All it takes is being one time with someone who's positive for it. That's why it's so important to have safe sex, and to know the histories of your partners.

You can find a lot of valid information on the Internet if you choose (www.cafeherpe.com is a particularly good site) but there are four strains of the virus: chicken pox, shingles, herpes zoster, and herpes simplex. One of these causes cold sores, the other causes genital sores. These viruses can remain dormant for years before an outbreak occurs. The herpes strains in particular are affected by stress levels.

All it takes is one time. I had a boyfriend in the past, at a point where I had had exactly two sexual partners, and he was 1) in the military and 2) refused to wear a condom because he "knew where [he'd] been." And I was young and dumb and naive and thought pregnancy was the worst thing that could happen to me. I didn't get pregnant, but several years later, after I was married to someone else and monogamous, I was diagnosed with genital herpes. You cannot imagine my shame. Or the pain. I had a case that was like shingles in its severity and was bedridden for two weeks, during which time I had a crash course in herpes and myths and misconceptions thereof.

I haven't had an outbreak in a long time, and I remain married and monogamous. I mention this because any time herpes comes up in discussion, people sling around talk that implies that anyone has it is on the same level as the public perceives Paris Hilton. T'ain't necessarily so. And it can happen to you a lot easier than you think.

So yes, she's disgusting, and undiscerning, and altogether an embarrassment, and anything else you want to heap on her head, but if you use her (possible) herpes-positive status as further evidence of her skankitude, just remember that you may be making a lot of people who already feel bad enough about their past decisions feel even worse.

Naturally, 14 can decide whether to post my little PSA. I'm a regular reader and poster, but today's a good day to go anonymous.

[LoRenE]

i love how they wanted the crabs gone...but it was okay to leave the valtrax. that is herpes medicine...what a riot!!! :o)

[Nanny McButtersons]

There is a moving "Free the Crabs!" tribute here (along with a link to the crabby version):
http://7deadlysinners.typepad.com/sinners/

I think I can see a great T-shirt somewhere in all this... and I want one!

[Cork E. Clayburg]

Painted over, but not forgotten.

Aw, those poor ol' crabs! Shunned, censored and banished...God, it's so sad. *sniff* Y'know, after this injustice they really DO deserve their own post and/or comic strip. Something like "The Crabs in Paris", "Lil' Loathsomes", "Le Scuttle Butties", or hell, even "Hilt-on and Jilt-on" would work.

14, what can I say? Genius with a "G".
Love this post, love your work, & miss the crabs! I REALLY hope we haven't seen the last of 'em...

[Cactus Head]

Possibly your best work...

[Jared]

You're so stupid !!!
Even if Nicole and Paris didn't make goods choices in their lifes due to drugs, sex, alcolism[...], this picture is cruel !

[fen]

Hmmm... what could i say,thats true and looks good on her.
Maybe u could make the news pics about her fake bobs.hahaha.... could wait to see it and i am sure Paris will say " Thats's HOT"

[fen]

Hmmm... what could i say,thats true and looks good on her.
Maybe u could make the news pics about her fake bobs.hahaha.... could wait to see it and i am sure Paris will say " Thats's HOT"

[fen]

Hmmm... what could i say,thats true and looks good on her.
Maybe u could make the news pics about her fake bobs.hahaha.... could wait to see it and i am sure Paris will say " Thats's HOT"

[fen]

Hmmm... what could i say,thats true and looks good on her.
Maybe u could make the news pics about her fake bobs.hahaha.... could wait to see it and i am sure Paris will say " Thats's HOT"

[ms. schmidt]

Brilliant art work! That douche bag lawyer used "loathsome disease" becuase it allows him to not have to prove that Paris suffered damages. From a legal standpoint, if you claim you have been defamed (written or spoken), then you must prove damages unless the defamation relates to your profession, chastity in a woman, or accuses you of having a "loathsome disease".

I am an attorney and would be happy to help you in any way you need.

[jerkygirl]

Now Paris' lawyer is after our beloved 14. Unbelievable. I hope all the money he makes threatening people who tell the truth about his disgusting client is worth the sale of his humanity. He and Elliot Mintz must have nightmares about pushing wheelbarrows behind the horses in parades because that's exactly what their jobs amount to. Rock on, 14--frankly, I can't imagine anyone not being on your side on this one (other than the Queen of Valtrexia herself).

[Jenn F.]

Oh I'm just at a loss for words at this point. I just love you all. Deanna, Demon Kitty, Adam Smith, Cyclops Kitten Natividad, La BellaDonna, and especially 14... my life is so much more fun because of your views on life and said skank.

[Demon Kitty]

Ha!

I went to http://www.kwikalaw.com/#

The dentures are blinding. The dentures have a life all their own.
The lawyers even have those fake orange tans and appear to be on the macrobiotic diet that Hollywood loves so much. One of those guys was just working it for the camera.

I took a look at the man who will be famous for "loathsome diseases." Defending someone's crotch has got to be hilarious, but then when you think about how often he has had to do it - it must be beyond tedious now. I've got to stop this.

[Demon Kitty]

This is definitely not the place to visit if you must exercise bladder control.

Crabs aren't forever are they? I suppose this would make them less "loathsome" than herpes. So why not put them back? Damage has already been done! Couldn't we argue that herpes is more "loathsome" because it never goes away? It lives at the base of your spinal cord doesn't it? One can always lie about having crabs. I suppose psychologically, crabs may be just as or even more "loathsome" than herpes after all they are insects living in your - dear God I am going to be sick.

Yet the crabs that 14 drew were freshwater, not pubic. So I think 14 should put them back. I really should not have tried to post again while eating. jesus fucking hell

[december25]

hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! fantastic!

[Adam Smith]

Go to Mr Gabriel's Firm's website.

http://www.kwikalaw.com/

Click on the hyperlink. 'Our Lighter Side'

First picture: buttoned down,repressed, soulless, hollow eyed, corporate automata,with fake rictus smiles,the sort they beam out,before they tear off the heads of squirrels with their bare teeth.

Second picture: buttoned down,repressed, soulless, hollow eyed, corporate automata,with fake rictus smiles,the sort they beam out,before they tear off the heads of squirrels with their bare teeth.
Dressed casually.What a whacky fun bunch they are.

It's a fun game for all the family. It had me mesmerised, clicking on and off for hours. Windowlicker Paris would love it.

[Adam Smith]

By using the term loathsome diseases
Mr Gregory set up the thesis that some diseases exist in a category that can be defined as loathsome. Being of a Hegelian bent,I realised immediately that this proposition created the antithesis that some diseases were not loathsome.
Using the Marburg virus as an example was extreme,but can anybody think of a disease that they would welcome?

If the legal team assigned to this case have some spare time, could they e-mail me with a list of diseases that are not loathsome? It would be interesting to see what they come up with. I suspect that some poor underling is assigned to read all the posts on this website,this would present a diverting intellectual challenge for you. Prove to me that your company are'nt the dialectical dillberries they appear to be.

The fact that Mr Gabriel hides behind pompous proclamations and false sophistry like this,really indicates that his case here is very slim indeed, perhaps even more pencil thin than his client.

The defamation that Mr Gabriel alluded to has been repeated on numerous websites and blogs before this.It would appear that his action on his client's behalf have only served to exacerbate this situation, by causing the the picture with it's alledged implication to be more widely disseminated than any of the artist's other works.
The alledged defamation has also been more widely repeated in written form,because of these ill concieved actions.Which begs the question,why this particular blog and this particular picture? There are defamations of Miss Hilton that are arguably far worse than this,they are also pretty ubiquitous.
She is amazingly unpopular.

The bullying tactics used here will only serve to make Paris even more reviled than she is already. The term counterproductive along 'shooting yourself self in the foot' come to mind.

Mr Gabriel appears to acting against his firm's stated philosophy,which is,(taken from the Kwika website),
"To provide each client with the very best legal representation possible.Period".
The period is redundant in a sentence that has a full stop already, by the way.
Legal twerps.

[Paris is a Whore]

Ah, La BellaDonna, you'd make a great lawyer.

[Damien]

Yikes put it away Paris!!!!

[UndecidedPerfect]

Im still awaiting Brandon Davis's lawyer to jump on the hate boat and ask for his client's pepperoni nipples to be censored, now wouldn't that be a thrill.

Unless of course, Brandon ate his lawyer....

Great job, screw Paris - everyone else has. Here in Canada - land if someone posted a satirical picture of Alanis Morisette or Avril Lavigne they'd probably post them in their studios or something, not send their over priced lawyers in to censor the artist.

Cheers

[La BellaDonna]

All right, 14 can't put in pictures of crabs ... because although 14 has a sense of humor, she doesn't have a bottomless wallet - as opposed to Another Nameless Party, who has the wallet, but no sense of humor.

What if 14 does paintings which include crabless spaces? Just ... blank, empty spaces, shaped like the crabs that aren't there.