Paris Hilton vs. Gallery of the Absurd?

By now you might have heard I received a letter from Paris Hilton's attorney asking me to remove the parody of The Simple Life Goes to Camp from my blog. At first, I thought the letter was from a prankster. I laughed and then ignored it. I wrote to Michael K over at Dlisted to tell him about it and he said he received the same letter and that it was legit. I became extremely perplexed...how could my idiotic parody do any more harm to Paris Hilton's reputation than she's already done to herself? I asked her attorney this question and it pretty much boiled down to the fact that I added freshwater crabs to the side of the boat. Apparently, the presence of semi-terrestrial crustaceans imply that Paris has a "loathsome disease". I removed the little buggers as instructed.

As I've stated before, the illustrations on this site are born from the social commentary generated by celebrity gossip. The truth is, I'm not inspired by Paris Hilton herself, I'm inspired by you. Your blogs, your message boards, your comments, and your tabloids are what spark my ideas and amusement. The opinions we have about Paris Hilton are much more entertaining than Paris Hilton herself. There are countless references to Paris Hilton's alleged crabs to be found all over the internet and I had chosen to add that particular element to the parody. I don't have the the huge amount of cash needed to fight Paris Hilton over this, so it's much more affordable just to make the crabs disappear. I won't stop painting Paris Hilton though. Nope, as long as people talk about her, I'll continue.

With that said, thank you very much for your support and encouragement. Crab photo taken by Kipling West.

My talented pal gilmore from Pretty on the Outside made this for me to show his support. I was so touched and amused by his kind gesture that I had to post it. Thank you g!

People are now sending me their creative interpretations of this silly debacle.

Okay, back to business....

Comments

[Michael J. Koch]

I'm surprised that nothing has appeared about Jerry Falwell yet. Are you still out shovelling enough shit to make a painting of the piece of excrement?

[Adam Smith]

On second thoughts,don't snort Valtrex.
The high is great,but the come down make you feel like Nicole Ritchie.My friends and I have cried all the liquid from our bodies and are presently trying to rehydrate as quickly as possible.I've also lost one and half stone in two days and started to have that irritable wombat look that Nicole Richie sports all the time.Hardened users tell me that this particular side effect wears off after a day or two. So if you still want to do it,be aware of the side effects.
Richie Wombat Face,basically.

[Adam Smith]

Have you heard snorting Valtrex, make you think you're a spoilt rich heiress.
Brilliant. Just doing a few lines now with friends. We're all planning to go out on the town and shun some poor people.
It's Trust-fund-tastic.

[Viper Tetsu]

Jesus Christ sharing a doobie with Kirsten Dunst, work keeps me away from this most holy of websites for a couple a weeks, and this wonderful tempest in a crabpot awaits.

At the risk of disuading all of the chat about just how obscenely rich this hag is, I just wanna join in the gale of laughter induced by this. Again, just when it seems you've exhausted a topic, you squeeze more comedic juice out of it. Excelsior!

[Thomas]

Dear Dawn,

It is people like you that make me get on my knees and thank our founding fathers that they had the foresight to institute a constitutional republic instead of a democracy. I shudder to think what this country would look like if people such as you had a right to vote.

[Judith Dolphin]

The fon fon is holy. Everyone should be bringing it flowers, not seafood. You must honor the fon fon.

[Adam Smith]

Actually I think you'll find the Hilton
family's net worth is in the region of $360 million. That's three hundred and sixty times one million,for those of you troubled by mathematical concepts.They don't even qualify for the Forbes 400 richest list.

The poster was probably reffering to the worth of the "Hilton Hotels Corporation", which is probably in the region of tens of billions.
This is not the Hilton's money though,since this is a publically owned company.

[Steve]

Hey 14, I have a great picture of a "Dining Room Open" sign. I could send it to you and you could put Paris on one side and the crabs on the other . . . Ha ha ha.

I love your site!

[Jenn F.]

Dawn, it's wonderful to see that Paris has such a supportive fan. Why you felt the need to explain to everyone the definition of how much a "billion" amounts to, I'm not sure. But that's okay.

What is most amusing, though, is how you consider 14 to be a "Hater" (how very effective with the capital H) just because she created a piece of art which was inspired by the caricature that Paris Hilton has become. Do realize that the lawyers are not giving 14 a hard time for anything other than the portrayal of a few crustaceans in the vacinity of her crotch? The artist has therefore removed the offensive critters, and the lawyers now have no further problem with 14 or the work she's produced.

Furthermore, it appears that 14 hasn't written any "nonsense" about Paris at all. She's simply doing what she does best... creating clever and creative pieces of satirical art.

[azuka]

OMG! You're famous 14! Yaaaaay!! Go 14! Go!! Ooh come on, Paris image is already busted... not for you... for herself!!!

GO 14!! Team 14!! GO!

Saludos!! ^^

[Dawn]

Right or wrong,if you or any other blogger have to pay lawyers against the Hilton legal team, it will bankrupt you. Take heed.

At $ 18 Billion, the Hilton family is a lot wealthier than many people realize.
That's not even counting Rick Hilton's or Paris's personal money.

BILLIONS, folks,not millions. One Billion equals 1000 Million dollars.

If Paris wanted to play hardball, she could bring numerous nuisance lawsuits against bloggers, which will wipe them out financially.

I think Paris Hilton has been more than patient with some of the nonsense people write about her.
I'm glad to see that her lawyer are now actively going after Haters. It's about time!

[Pablo Vazquez]

14 you rock and you know it, no mater if this hotel-whore is angry, we know where the crabs came from.LOVE U!!

[Denise S.]

ALL HAIL 14!!! Never stop your wonderful art. This is just proof that the truth makes fools nervous. Crab on!

[Jenn F.]

Dear Demon Kitty,

Only once we're wearing the baby seal costumes.

Love,

Jenn

[lucy]

Free speech, baby!

[Demon Kitty]

Dear Jenn,

Can we get stoned first??!!

Love,

Demon kitty

[Sassy]

I loved that pic of Paris and Nicole and it's a damn shame that you had to remove the crabs. But hey maybe Paris had hers removed too? One never knows! Ha!
PS...Commenter Gemma...I'm from Calgary and I remember that story too and I thought honestly, what is the world coming to, that a woman named "Barbie" can't name her business Barbie...ridiculous!

[midevil]

Dear peoples of the world:

I am a Canuck and I've never seen a real seal in all my life--not even when I lived up North, where we saw bears, caribou, and moose often.

Come to think of it, I've never even seen a Polar Bear while in Canada--I had to travel to the Detroit Zoo for that one.

[Daisy]

I dunno if you've seen this yet, but:

http://www.alaskareport.com/z45749.htm

Legit awesome.

[pun_inpendid]

Rather than a balloon bouquet, maybe you should send Paris's attorney a complimentary bowl of crab dip as a thank you (as refers to your previous post, 14) : ) - unless he already has that for free? Ok, now you have seen me post something fairly gross and mean. I still think she needs an "Enter At Your Own Risk" sign next to or over her crotch - or "No Vacancy" (meaning Paris, of course) based on how she comes across. She does appear to be a "ho'tell" "air-everything"-ess - figuratively and literally when sans underwear [& yes, tell in hotel is mispelled on purpose ; )] I still don't see how they can sue for what is more like "imply"ble under the circumstances as it was a picture rather than written words and they were actual real crab images - vs. those of the loathsome diseases species. In any case, like many others, I think you and your art totally rock! Thank you for always making me think as much as you make me laugh! Take care, 14!

[Jenn F.]

Demon Kitty, if you ever come up here to Canada for a visit, let's go Seal-Hunter hunting! We'll use the pick-axes like you described! Maybe we'll even wear those really ugly lumberjack jackets... no, even better... let's wear giant baby seal costumes with lumberjack jackets over top. YEAH! Haha, can't wait. Keep me posted as to when you can do it.

[Cyclops Kitten Natividad]

Hey Charlene,

re: the Barbie's Sex Shop in Calgary, if I recall correctly she really nailed it because she was born a year or two before the doll was produced, so she was "Barbie" before "Barbie(tm)".

Jeez, it's a small world, I've actually met this particular Barbie!

[i rule, you rule]

i don't think they'd win in a case against you because it wasn't your INTENT to slander paris hilton, your intent was to corporealize what people were saying about her.

in a courtroom, intent is 100%. that's how some murderers can get off: they have a lawyer that argues very well that it was not their client's intent to murder.

i think you should keep the crabs. there's a video floating around that shows her with magic crab powers riding around in nicole richie's bones-mobiles anyway.

if you got a lawyer, even a really cheap one, or defended yourself even, the judge would clearly rule that paris has no case.

[Demon Kitty]

To A Canadian:

I've been posting the URL http://www.harpseals.org, every time I post lately because I think the seal hunt is going on right now and it makes me sad. I am a huge animal lover.

There are other places in the world that partake in seal hunts too, and I know that this is not something that is exclusive to our neighbors in the North- Canada. That being said, I didn't know that assholes from here (USA) go up there (New Foundland) to help murder seals. Those motherfuckers! I am not surprised though! We sell our retired race horses on the black market to Europeans for meat. The Japanese slaughtered dolphins recently. All sorts of animal abuse goes on everywhere in the world. It is easier to focus on things closer to home I suppose.

I certainly don't think of Canadians as evil people who slaughter seals. Please don't feel singled out.

When I see a picture of one of those fishermen with a pick over his head, ready to beat that baby seal, I don't fucking care where that cunt is from, I want to shove that goddamn pick up his ass and turn it around and around.

I had to get that off my chest.

[Adam Smith]

To A Canadian:

The author of the Canadian Seal Clubbing slander/defamation was actually me, Adam Smith.My intention was to evoke a stupid graphic simile for something being fucked beyond all repair,which of course a seal is,when being clubbed to death.I have absolutely no idea of the demographics of the fur trade,it was just an over the top use of imagery,not an attack on Canadians, who are by and large lovely fluffy people.

Being English, we have a culture of torturous similes and metaphors,that English journalists,especially,trade in constantly.This was the type of sensationalist writing style I was trying to parody.

So on the one hand,sorry for offending your (in my opinion slightly too delicate) sensibilities.On the other hand,yay!
I pissed off a Canadian,their notoriously difficult to offend.

Also,I would I would like to apologize in advance to any Saudi Arabians reading,for the name Sheik Yahmani,which is of course a pun on "shake your money". This of course suggests that all Saudi's are venal and greedy,many of course,are not.

[Charlene]

This whole thing reminds me slightly of something that happened to a friend of mine a while back... she has an amazing business called "Barbie's Basement Jewellery" and after a few years into the business, she received a letter from some lawyer at Mattel, threatening to sue her for using Barbie's name

The same thing happened here. The woman who runs Barbie's Sex Shop in Calgary got sued by Mattel. She defended, they took her to court...and lost, because the woman named the store after *herself*!!

[gemma]

Holla Seattle Market!!
lol I like that the attorney's fine with the great big "VALTREX" box but is worried people will think she has crabs!

[A Canadian]

La Angel, I'm curious, was that a derogatory comment directed towards Canadians involving seal clubbing? Naturally I wouldn't give two shits about what people say, but I was actually mildly offended (which would be the first time I've been offended on the internet!).
Now I'm not asking for a rebuttal or anything, but I just wanted to mention that more often than not, there are more Americans clubbing seals in Canada then there are Canadians doing so.
Well, enough of my bitchin', I know it was all in jest, but I just didn't want Canada being reffered to as the only offender in Seal clubbing....

And one more thing, involving the actual blog.... did you really have to take off the crabs? I mean, it was a peice of artwork, a peice of freedom of expression, and they told you to take off a drawing of crabs? Thats so pathetic I would of left them on out of spite!
Other than that, keep up the entertaining work!

[Kai/ Shalom]

Crab isn't kosher, but I'm almost tempted to have a crab in honor of the controversy and show support for 14. (But the whole time eating the crab, not only would I be thinking about it not being kosher, I'd be thinking about.. those.. other kind of crabs... really would make eating a food I don't like and am not supposed to eat rather difficult.. ) Viva la crabs!

[Sage]

Between Adam Smith's saga and the 'balloon bouquet', I laughed so much I now have to take a nap. (Except I'm scared I'll have nightmares about those KWIKA paper dolls and
there frightening shape-shifting abilities).

[14]

Dan,

It only APPEARS that I gave in. I have devious tricks up my sleeves for future posts. The legal issue with the crabs was the fact that it's never been reported that she does indeed have crabs. HOWEVER, since the issue made international headlines, guess what...it's now news!

Hilton's attorney was accused of "goofing" on this issue in the NY Post. I really doubt they'll add that to the firm's "KWIKA Lawyers In The News" section of their website.

Besides, I like her attorney. He's inadvertently helped me in many ways and even provided free legal advice. I'm thinking of sending him a thank you note along with a balloon bouquet.

xoxo
14

[midevil]

Maybe her lawyer was just pissed because the crabs weren't big enough.

[Dan Garcia]

Way to give in!

[Adam Smith]

WOULD YOU PEOPLE LISTEN TO YOURSELVES?

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY IDEA?
PARIS HILTON IS IN FACT A FICTION.
DO YOU NOT WONDER WHY YOU'D NEVER HEARD OF HER FIVE YEARS AGO?

This is because the Hilton hotel chain is really just a faceless corporation, owned by a group of Saudi Investors and Venture Capitalists working out of Dubai.
For years the Hilton chain did very well as a faceless corporate institution.
By 2001 their fortunes took a turn for the worse.Like a seal being clubbed to death by Canadians,the chain's future looked grim.

Luckily a bright young spark in marketing looked at the trend for celebrities like Jlo,Pdiddy and Beyonce,to achieve maximum brand awareness,by bilateral marketing spread penetration through cross cultural commonality coefficients and decided to create a family. For two years they worked in secret creating a family,the project was codenamed,Culturally Unifying Normal Traditional Socialites,or C.U.N.T.S for short.

They looked through unknown 70's pornstars to play the parents. The selection process was more arduous than American Idol, and took months of work. Al Goldstein of "Screw" magazine and Larry Flynt of "Hustler" fame were both involved in this process.If they were even vaguely recognisable to the old spunk merchants the applicants were out.
Finally after almost a year they found the two perfect parents: Rick Jizz and Mindy Bust from rare 1975 wank flick
"Cum Hustle".
Larry and Al had never seen either of them before.Quentino Tarantino was then contacted,to verify, that they were so obscure,even he had'nt a clue who they were.

Simultaneous to this,the hunt for suitably trendy progeny to appeal to the youth market was on. At first they decided on son's,but their trawl through stud hustlers on Miami beach was getting nowhere.
By chance the team were staying in a hotel just off the beach,which had a Cabaret act consisting of Brazilian drag queens Fransceco Brachyura and his brother Vasquez. They knew at that moment they had struck gold. After being payed two million dollars each,for gender re-assignment, the brothers signed on and became the Hilton sisters.

This is where thing went awry. The elder brother Fransceco,who was to play Paris, had been part of the militant agitprop situationist performance art group, "El Fisto",and began working to his own agenda

In recently revealed letters,to his comrades back in Brazil,he wrote:

"Through my character of Paris,I will reveal the decadent ignoble truth of America's cultural and spritual void.
Each action I take will be more terrible and awful than the last. In her soulless persona they will see the emptiness of their own existence.Eventually the American people will rise up and break the chains of their Capitalist Pig Dog masters. Long live the revolution of Paris".Followed by blah,blah,blah,something about Castro.

A scant two years after the release of
"The Simple Life",the Paris brand while looking strong was causing serious embarrasment to investors.The company looked in serious trouble when Sheik Yahmani, threatened to withdraw his 34% share.

This is where special agent 14 was bought in.Fourteen is actually an actress based in Glendale California,called Sally Gold, whose career has thus far been undistinguished. A recent interview with her agent Hal Rubarto of Screen Hits International Talent,(S.H.I.T),revealed the sordid truth behind her mess of deception: "Sally looked like a sure hit as the star of a new,'Sex In The City Style' show called 'Urbane Diarist' on NBC. Her look was perfect for the show. But let's put it this way,Sally has major problems.To be honest,she's a complete mentalist". He then went on to reveal the full terrifying extent of her Mentalcy:
"She started off with minor things.You know,slapping dogs,smashing children's toys,grabbing men she liked by the balls then walking away giggling,you know,normal actress stuff. At first we just ignored it, because she had that special something.She was like a young Victoria Principal. Amazing - zero to tears in two seconds flat,without prompting.Over time it got worse though, much worse..."First it was the constant singing of show tunes in some language she appeared to have made up.Then clapping sarcastically at even the smallest thing, like making cofee, and by sarcastic I actually mean evil, she made several interns cry."

While script refinements were made to "Urbane Diarist", Sally got what was meant to be a recurring role on hit show "Desperate Housewives", playing Quatorze Pi,cousin of Bree Vanderkamp.
She played the role of an artist from San Franscisco whose out of the box wacky ways, were meant to counterpoint Bree's repressed suburban existence,little did they know it would soon end in a counterpunch.

Assistant Director Chuck Vicodin continues:
"From the start,Sally was trouble with a capital bastard", he says."Her performances were always excellent,but between scenes she exhibited severe wrongness. She would blow huge fucking spit bubbles,then flick boogers at the runners and look the other way like nothing happened.It was almost submental"."At first I thought it was part of her method,plus who cares about runners any ways?", he asks.

Things finally came to a head though,when she came into conflict with Marcia Cross, over a lettuce leaf."Marcia had always got on well with Sally, despite her eccentricity", say's Chuck.But then something truly horrific happened.

Chuck goes on to relate the shocking events that occured next:"One day,during a lunch break they both grabbed for the same lettuce leaf, and all hell break loose. There was a sort electricity in the air and they lock eyes in an almost primal fashoin.For a moment I was aroused, but then shocked,when Sally headbutted Marcia with bone crunching accuracy, breaking her nose outright.For a moment everything stopped like a dramatic scene from a Michael Bay film. Then the silence was broken by Marcia screaming 'You fucking bitch, you're fired from Hollywood, you're fired from L.A, you're fired from life'.The earie thing was,Sally just stood there smiling and eating the lettuce leaf, like nothing happened!".

She was escorted off set by security muttering,"Now I am become Fourteen",like a Mantra.

Shortly after,GOTA appeared. All finances for the blog lead back to a mysterious company called "Olsen Lohan investments", whose parent company,registered in the Cayman Islands,is held by the "Hilton Hotels Corporation". A source that cannot be named pissed out the news drizzle: "Fourteen is Sally Gold, shortly after leaving the acting world, she was hired by Sheik Yahmani to keep Fransceco and 'El Fisto' in line.The Negative publicity actually undermines them, by making Paris the crazy villain you love to hate. Nicole is actually just CGI,by the way. That's all I can say."

I've tried to contact Sally Gold, but all she say's in reply is "Chirrell?"

[La Angel]

I love your work 14! Never surrender!

[Demon Kitty]

To Miss Priss: You are so funny!!! "Your soul is as black as your anus."

Did you see that closeup of Paris' anus after people raided her storage space? It was small and shriveled. Her soul is small and shriveled too. Unlike her anus, her soul cannot expand to accomodate what Ted Casablanca called "the shaved cucumber in the background" aka Rick Salomen.

To Matt: "subhuman excrement" is definitely what Paris is! Right on, man!!!!! The litterbox in my apartment is filled with far more integrity and substance than Paris fucking Hilton.

And whoever said "cunt" on here, in another post somewhere when referring to Paris. Thank you. Paris is indeed a cunt.

[Thomas]

14,

You don't have to remove the images at all. Paris Hilton is a public figure and she is completely subject to satire and parody. You are completely protected. Don't give in. The lawyers know that a letter is going to scare people into submission, but hold your ground.

T.

[Steve]

I am glad to say I know you. I bragged all around my office that you were getting sued by Paris--not the city, the Err-ess.

CRABS FOR FREEDOM!

[Karla]

Seriously, no need for the cussing and ranting on anyone's part.

But aren't you protected by the rules of satire, parody, and lampoon? Could any star sue SNL for suggesting anything about them? Don't you have the same rights as a comedian?

[Matt]

I love just about everything you do, kid. And pissing off that subhuman excrement to the point that it calls on it's shyster to take away your freedom of speech just sends you higher into the rarefied air of illustrated satire with the likes of Mad's Mort Drucker and the political cartoonist Steve Brodner. Keep up the good work!

[Chansmom]

Wow! What an absolute, s***ch. Ugly word, I know, but it suits Paris.

14, you're very talented, and your mirth is absolutely amazing! If anything comes out of this, it's the attention being drawn to your art.

Lots of positive thought are flying your way!!!! Skritches from my kitties too.

[KatyBelle]

I was wondering why the little crabs had vanished.

Seriously though, what does Wonk-Eye expect people to say if she's running around with no underwears and sleeping with everything that moves? If anything, making you take the crabs away has put a bigger spotlight on her diseasedness (is that a word?).

Anyways 14, I love your site. As for those t-shirts, is there anyway that you could get some real ones made and sell them on the site? They are fun stuff!

[stardust savant]

Wow, some line from Macbeth comes to mind. Hmmm, what was that again? "I think the Paris doth protest to much." Or something like that.

She only has herself to blame for her reputation.

[Miss Priss]

Thanks for the heads up Cork E. Clayburg...more power to 14!!!
===============
Jenn F. I stopped yelling.

[Lydia]

14 you completley and absolutley ROCK!!!! I think I want a t-shirt of this too <3

[Nina Alvarez]

OMG!! LMAO this is too funny! Ohh, POOR PARIS, did she get her feelings hurt?? ROTFL!!!!!!!

[Cork E. Clayburg]

A heads up for "Miss Priss" --All our records indicate that 14 be a "she", ...not a "he".
(And yes, she does indeed rock!)

[Jenn F.]

Miss Priss, please stop yelling. (your Caps Lock is on).

[Sajib]

This is beyond beyond. Paris Hilton is public domain. She is parodied even by the people who work with her. She couldn't possibly be trying to clean up her image now for her trashy new (and failure of a) reality series. Her people need to get over it. That poster is too hilarious. Damn shame. Keep up the good work.

[Miss Priss]

DANTER FUCK OFF. YOU'RE SOUL IS AS BLACK AS YOUR ANUS AND AS EMPTY AS YOUR EYE SOCKET...I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
14 I LOVE YOU!!!