Hey kids, get your "Daddy Dearest" Talking Dolls before they sell out!

Alec Baldwin recently suffered the sting of humiliation after an angry voice mail tirade he left to his daughter was made public. Toy makers quickly scrambled to create a talking doll based on the "bitter dad" phenomenon and recently launched the Alec Baldwin Daddy Dearest Talking Doll. Pull Daddy Dearest's string and prepare to be shocked over the profanities escaping from his mouth. Each time you pull the string, you'll marvel at how Daddy Dearest begins to redden as he trembles with livid anger. Wait a few seconds and hear him start yelling at the top of his lungs! Daddy Dearest is sure to be at the top of every kid's wish list. Medium: graphite on paper, digital color, paint, sage.

Comments

[Robert]

I have a 14 year old....now 18....Alec was easy on her...though he should never mention her mother in that way...let the little one figure it out for herself...it's much quicker that way...
you go Alec....but now that you said it ...let it go and listen - don't speak, or' do neither...she'll be back when she is 25 or so....if not you would not want her around anyway....unless you like the brittany spears effect.

[Matt]

My dad used to get mad sometimes too and call me a "retard" or tell me I was lazy, but I could tell that he never ment it. I sorta sence that Alec didn't mean it either he sorta has viable reason to blow up.

I mean his ex-wife basically has more time than he does to tell their daughter that her father is worse than he really is and likely tells her that he'll hit her and not to visit him, which is probably why his daughter neglected making contact with him. And now she'll be even less likely to since his crazy comments inforce his ex-wife's slander.

This is definitally the worst type of divorce there is- when a kid is used as a toy for the parents to fight over. Or she's basically a rope for tug-of-war to see which parent gets the more love from the daughter. Poor kid they don't know the long term effects it will have on her.

[cherise]

hahahaha!!! i love the idea and I love the picture!! you have been churning out some GREAT stuff lately!! super thumbs up!

[deanna1104]

i always welcome empathy whenever and however i can get it. perhaps next term i shall request your assistance in creating a new and no frills, up yours, squeeze me, screw your parents agreement. something d.k, something that has demon kitty all over it. something that would require me to explain a new approach of dealing with infant-like adults. i would like to use this document to express our collective distaste for other folks kids who move through life feeling entitled. i would perhpas like to patent this document and sell it nationwide or better yet, we can take this to an international level; translate this into a gazillion languages. i'm sure this is a problem in the republic of congo, "why do i have to run after the antelope? why can't mesenmghw do it?" head hunter replies
"listen you little shit, did you or did you not sign the deanna/demon k/jenn f international agreement? you know there is a clause that says i can go upside your head if necessary."
this is is the future of learning and i want to be part of it. and so you can see what great success can become of this idea. of course i would welcome your suggestions too jenn. i think we're so on to something...

[Viper Tetsu]

Frickin' fantastic as is customary, dear Quatorze. Only you're skimping a bit on the body hair.

Might I politely request that a Brother Bubba Stephen Baldwin doll emanate from your corrosive crayon box? You'd be able to capture his stunned-buffalo-in-a-mudpit look fabulously. When you pull his string he'd just say, "No comment, Larry," over...and over...and over...and over...

[Demon Kitty]

Deanna,

I can empathize with you 100%. When I taught German at Louisiana State University, it was like teaching at an inner citty high school. Of course, given the subject matter I was teaching, the majority of my students were men. I was in my mid 20's, just three years older than most of them. Could they read the syllabus? I guess not, but they figured they could bully me out of my classroom policy. I had to take one maniac to the Dean of students 6 times for plagarizing. Spelling anyone? His name was William Hess and he wanted to be a famous director. He was off his rocker. He sent me some hate mail when the semester was over. Other students wrote hate messages to me on their tests and exams. They thought I was a man hating dyke. They were right about the dyke bit. If you want to see William Hess, whom my friends and I called the "lunadick", he has put himself in the imd.com. There is a picture of him next to George Lucas. George Lucas looks like I felt every motherfuckind day the lunadick came to my office asking if he could get and A when his GPA was .000000001.

Demon Kitty

[Jenn F.]

Oh my God Demon Kitty, you are way too fucking hilarious. I agree 100% with Cyclops... you get the Best Comment award this week! Goddamn, what a picture you've painted. I've never laughed so hard since... since our stint about the baby seal costumes. Okay, that was days ago. But whatever.

Deanna, you need to make it through this last semester somehow and then go hide somewhere with one of those big alcoholic drinks in a coconut with a little umbrella stuck in the top. And get a hot-stone massage while you're at it. Glad to hear you're alive, anyways. I hope you're able to visit here often enough to keep up with 14's fantastic artwork and Adam's excellent comment-stories. You need a bit of both after a few days (or weeks) like you described.

[DonnaJEM]

Alec basically handed his ass to Kim on a Platinum Platter for putting all his nastiness on a recorder.

[deanna]

hey jenn f,

i've been balls to the wall; end of a semester is at hand. faux adult children are phoning home asking mom and dad to call the mean prof and get more time for a 25 page research paper assigned months ago. gpa is in peril. oh no no no not a 3.98 gpa. threats abound.. students stand together and declare...don't make us call the dean, the provost, the president, homeland security.
oh no not tenure!! the b*tch has got tenure? is that a lifetime thing? can she really give us a F if it's late? can we litigate this? NOW HERE THIS... grad students are phoning homebase. helicopter parents are in flight mode!! i have parents threatening a lawsuit. can you imagine that sh*t.
hello? i'm sorry your name is attorney who? you're representing which students? did they mention to you they signed a piece of paper stating they understood the curriculum as explainned the first day, and shit that landed on my desk, under my door, in my mailbox, under the blades on my windshield, would receive an F if late? did you need a copy of the statement prepared by a law prof at the school of law?
well he said if i dropped it like its hot he would draft the agreement for me. yes, i did have sexual relations to get free legal service. yes i felt my ass needed protecting at the time as well as some luving...nevermind.
well i mean i just assumed a 22 year old could read and sign something that says if a paper is turned in after 12:00pm of the day it's due it would receive an F.
oh c'mmon don't play me cheap. of course i stated 12:00pm eastern standard time.
i probably shouldn't be talking to you. you should probably call the university's legal department; they have much deeper pockets than I. did i mention we have a law school full of really cute law profs that would gladly put forth MORE pro bono hours or something if by chance i found myself boo hoo crying on their campus with no panties on AGAIN?(slutty-no-panty disorder relapse) hello hello hello. guess we got disconnected. i'm about to go demon kitty on their a**. life sucks.. then you get tenure. then life sucks for the little shits that come along afterwards. so enuff about my jenn... where you been? thanks for the pus story d.k. total classic.

[Cyclops Kitten Natividad]

Demon Kitty wins Best Comment Award!

Damn. What a merry picture you paint, my dear!

[()]

the feeeeeeet! lol the tiny feet! and the saggy man tits behind that velvet (silk?) robe!
where can i buy this??

[Nina Nealon]

FYI none of us know what the kid actually did to cause him to flip out like that. For all we know, she took his car without his permission and drove out of state, bought crack and had a threesome.

[Charlene]

He's a shit. So funny that people are pulling everything out of their asses yet again in a desperate, vile attempt to blame the woman.

This is HIS fault, 100%, no exceptions, no discussion. Anyone who thinks otherwise is completely and totally justifying abuse.

[Jenn F.]

Deanna, your "slutty-no-panty disorder" theory had me cracking up. Where the hell have you been lately?!?

[Demon Kitty]

I don't have the energy for this shit, so If I just don't finish this post and it makes no sense- I shot my wad (to quote my brother, when something breaks) and passed out from exhaustion.

I can identify with Alec Baldwin and so can my brother. The sound of his voice was the exact sound of my voice and the exact sound of my brother's voice when my mother kept approaching us with her used toilet tissue over and over and over again. She kept wanting us to look at her used toilet tissue because she wanted to see if there was "pus in her stool". I came home from college one day and found my mother collecting the toilet tissue she had used to wipe her ass after she had taken a shit. She would keep it on the window sill in the sunlight and stare at it constantly throughout the day . She would say to us every five minutes, "Come here, I need you to look at something." She would follow my brother and I around the house with a piece of used toilet tissue over and over again asking us if she thought she had "pus in her stool". My brother and I were mortified. Of course we got aggressive, how could we not be? Mother didn't take "no" for an answer. She also had this tendency to ask you the same motherfucking question over and over and over again, hoping you would give her the answer she wanted. So, at midnight, my mother decided to wake up my brother and I to make us look at her used toilet tissue to see if there was "pus in her stool." Never mind she had been staring at it all day - everyday for over a month- every time she took a shit. Never mind she had asked us a million times. At that moment, my brother and I became Alec Baldwin. The exact same tone. The downward spiral into violence. We were screaming so loudly our faces were red. My brother's chest turned red. We were cursing at her and trying to explain to her at the same time that your body produced natural lubricant when you take a shit. We were yelling and growling at the top of our lungs. One minute I was calling her an "inconsiderate, fucked up bitch" and the next minute I was screaming about "natural. anal, lubricant." Mom also did all sorts of things that made my brother and I turn into Alec Baldwin. She loved to try and provoke us in public. Mom loved to get strangers' attention and play the poor, wronged, abused, martyr - the woman who was treated soooo badly. of course people would be outraged. They had no idea she would follow you around with her used toilet tissue, trying to get you to look at it an see whether or not there was "pus" in her "stool."

Mother also had a reputation amongst friends and family for not returning phone calls. She would lie in bed while the phone would ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring and ignore it, then fucking jump on top that goddamn answering machine to get the goddamn message. If it was a good one, it was saved and played again in mixed company.

[mrbesilly]

Brillaint depiction. Nothing else to add... just brilliant! Did I mention that I think the Baldwin bit is brilliant?

[deanna]

Hey Clementine,

I have my own theory about the "genetics" issue you mentioned. I believe the rude pig disorder is a recessive trait that is only expressed if the offspring receives a copy of the rude pig gene from both parents. however the rudeness is only expressed in the presence of stupidity. if i recall correctly, maternal stupidity is normally the trigger. it's like they say your genes are a gun and your environment is the finger on the trigger. whether or not you express the trait for the let's-piss-my-dad-off-gene depends on if the environment sets it off. in this case, the environmental trigger would be a self loathing mother yapping ignorant and manipulative wickedness into her child's ear. it's sort of like the slutty-no-panty disorder. again the slutty-no-panty disorder is a gene that the offspring inherits from both parents. oh well now hold up, i believe the slutty-no-panty disorder is a dominant gene in which case if you get just get one copy you are destined to be a ho. but now that may be yester year's research i believe the most recent scientific evidence does back me on that the slutty-no-panty disorder as still a recessive x-linked gene. the incidence of this gene has increased but the bottom line is in the absence of parental supervision the slutty-no-panty gene is expressed. of course i'm making light of your opinion but the concept i make light of is based in scientific research. tirades have little to do with genetics. tirades are unfortunate ways of coping with frustration as is making private phone calls public.

[Adam Smith]

Parent Alienation Syndrome? What a specious and intellectually risible concept.

This is what happens when you have an adversarial legal system,combined with Psychiatrists using dubious methodology to describe all human behaviour and activity as potentially abberant;in a society devoid of any analysis of peoples's actions that looks beyond individual volition.
(My apologies for that last ugly sentence,but that really is the most simple way of summing it up).

Basically,people make up excuses,based on poor self analysis along with exculpatory science.
"I did'nt mean to bully my wife and daughter.You see,I'm the victim of a syndrome...boo hoo,sob,weep".
Why can't Alec just say,in all honesty:
"I want everything done exactly the way I want it.If you behave with any independent spirit at all,I will do my best to crush it.
It's all for your own good.My rage is essentially your fault".

Is it because he fears dissaproval?

I'm pretty sure that Kim Bassinger,(to use a very English phrase),would do my fucking head in,if I met her.
She seems very precious and twee.
Both of these attributes annoy me intensely, these however,are'nt valid reasons to bully her or her daughter.
They are also not valid reasons for people to side with her bully.

In my life,I've known a few victims of abusive relationships.
They are almost without exception female,their abusers are
almost without exception Alec Baldwin wannabes.You get to the stage where you can smell them a mile off.He just looks primed to go off,at the slightest excuse,for very little rational reason.In this context I could'nt care less about Kim Bassinger's character,good or bad,here she is a victim.
Seeing it any other way would appear to be just malicious. So what if you don't like her?Extending this dislike to her daughter as well,is just plain fucked up.

It's pretty certain that through his Superbastard behaviour,Alec has alienated his daughter already,he really does'nt need much help from Kim in this respect.In an attempt to vindicate himself,he has fallen back on a fallacious diagnosis with very little empirical evidence to back it up.
Who would buy this crock of shit?
Lots of people,apparently.

The tape looks like evidence of a pattern, rather than an isolated incident.
It's pretty certain that Kim leaked it.
This was a good tactic to my mind.
Let the world know what a fucker he is,(stupid as well,thinking he could get away with it,after having it recorded to tape).I'll forgive her for the films,"Blind Date","My Stepmother Is An Alien"and "Batman",for that move.

[Adam Smith]

These recent events only go to show how well cast Mr Baldwin was in Glengarry Glen Ross.He always appeared to be a shouty,mean-spirited,belligerant,stupid fucking anger engine.This message only served to confirm my suspicions.

Actually, his little hissy fit at his daughter,of eleven,nine,forty eight,six months? went on,amazingly,for forty five hate filled minutes.They were cut,for the attention deficit disorder,soundbite culture of today.But the unexpurgated rant is available in some places,in it's ominously foolish full blown wrongness.

Catch it if you can.

Alec continues,with actual quotes from the infamous,Glengarry Glen Ross speech:including,"Nice guy?.I don't give a shit.Good Father? Fuck you.",(quite ironic in retrospect that one);"You think this is abuse? YOU THINK IS THIS IS ABUSE? YOU COCKSUCKER.YOU CAN'T TAKE THIS.YOU CAN'T TAKE THIS? HOW CAN YOU TAKE THE ABUSE YOU GET ON A SIT?"(rhetorical,confusing shoutiness always gets the kid's attention);"Cofee's for closers only.You think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you.I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Mitch and Murray,AND I'M HERE ON A MISSION OF MERCY."(that one had me confused as well);"I CAN GO OUT THERE TONIGHT!THE MATERIALS YOU GOT,MAKE MYSELF FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.TONIGHT!IN TWO HOURS.CAN YOU? CAN YOU?"
(I know.Times are hard now you're not in films any more.Plus this statement is also confusing).

He then goes on to quote large bits of Hamlet and Travis Bickle's "You talking to me" speech,often intertwined in a way that is almost poetic in it's ugly bitterness.
This goes on for a very long time.

I can't be bothered to look for my DVD of "Taxi Driver",or wade through "Hamlet", so you're going to have to take my word for it on that one.Closing up,he then repeats the acronym "A.I.D.A","Attention, Interest, Decision, Action",twenty two times.
The Dozy Fuck Twat.

From now on,his Crackhead brother,who ran around naked firing guns at random,like a disturbed Chimpanzee hopped up on a very large stone,will be thought of as,"The chilled out one."

Here's one last (paraphrased) quote from the unwittingly accurate character study that is Glengarry Glen Ross,that sums up his (fucked) position very well:

"You know what you'll be saying...bunch of losers,sitting around in a bar.Oh yeah, I used to be an actor.It's a tough racket".

He can't even translate the persona he has into a character in a sitcom, like Charlie Sheen did.Could have been much more successful,drugged up, booze and pussy hound?
Ladies and Gentlemen,I give you Charlie Sheen with "Two And A Half Men".
He's almost charming.Bully Daddy is'nt.

Him and Michael Richards can cry buckets of self deluding tears and blame the world together.

What a prize fucking idiot.

[evil toner]

Love the smoking jacket, don't ya know. I think we should get a piece now on Kim (or maybe a Northern Ireland and Ireland type separation-hyuk!) and show the vindictive mom using her kids to get back at her ex. That's pretty low, so maybe they'll get back together in the long run.

[Clementines]

And he hates his daughter for acting quietly restrictive towards his abuse and firmly denying him any contact outlet to approach her as he is repulsive to her. She had to be court ordered to talk to him. Why can't she refuse to speak to him? She's too young. So he doesn't like that she is just like her mom? Genetics is probably too big a concept for Alec to comprehend. Luckily she didn't turn out like him or he'd get a earful back and maybe a few kicks and slaps long before this.

[E]

It's the little things, 14:
-wiry chest hair
-intial'ed slippers
-right hand in rage induced, quasi-choke hold
-cankles
-5 o'clock shadow of doom
-icy, icy blue eyes

Having worked at a divorce [aka 'Family Law'] firm over the past few summers, I can tell you that I see WAY more raging fathers than mothers and that PAS is extremely rare. The # of emergency motions I had to assemble due to inappropriate behavior comes out about 85/15 in the Dad vs. Mom ratio.

[steve]

I just showed my wife. She thinks this may be your best work yet.

[Coffeegod]

He shouldn't have done it but I'm betting he isn't the only adult at fault in this.

14, you are on the money. I can't wait for your coffee table book to come out.

[Recovered Slut]

When I heard about this last weekend, I had major flashbacks to my past when my father was working the PAS (Parent Alienation Syndrome...thanks Stepmonster!)against my mom. My mother's tirades were way worse than Alec's rant. Still, he is the adult.

He needs to remember that she will be in charge of changing his Depends (or at least supervising the changing) when the time comes. Kindness now will keep him from rashes and bedsores in the future.

[Demon Kitty]

Hey everybody!!!!!!!! I just had to come back!!!!

Deanna is right!!!!

And I am just going to add my own 2 cents - mamma bear and baby bear most likely need a good bitch slap.

[Demon Kitty]

Marie,

you don't know me well enough.

Love and Kisses,

Demon Kitty

PS. I am still siding with Alec!

[The Man]

Thats right Alec! She needs her ASS whupped! She is a spoiled BRAT who is controlled from her mother to take all your money away! " The Shadow Knows! "

[DonnaJEM]

I LOVE his astro-turf helmet hair, and his tiny tiny feet.
It's probably part of the reason he's so very very angry.

tsk tsk, cwazy cwazy people.

[Steve]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And again, Ha! Excellent work yet again 14. I would disagree with the age--for children 18 and up, but I am just a prude like that : )
This guy deserves the humiliation.

[McGone]

Genius as usual, 14.

[deanna]

at least the doll is age appropriate.

[deanna]

oh no you didn't!
oh no you didn't add the two smiling children in the corner, which of course is what i believe the "rude pig" and the mother of the "rude pig" were doing while ignoring the rude pig's father. just grinin' and grinin'. so he calls his kid a rude pig and threatens to straighten her a** out. how childish to release what should have remained a private phone call, despite its content. smoothe move momma bear.

i would have to throw in with the crowd that suspects momma bear probably encouraged baby bear to do something to tick papa bear off. unless papa bear hears voices, i suspect he was sadly manipulated into this very predictable tirade. i suspect the "rude pig" and bobby christina(whitney houston and bobby brown's kid) will be the only two hollywood homegrown critters to end up in drug and or alcholol rehab without ever having either.

[Susan B.]

I love how psychotic he looks. Perfect.
The sad thing is, it looks like a typical messy divorce with the kid as the unfortunate pawn. I'm guessing that Basinger leaked the voicemail to the public, and if that's the case she shares some of the blame and both parents seem really pretty pathetic.

[TeesMyBody.com $7.99 T-Shirts]

Haha. Alec's phone message reminded me of his performance in Glengary Glenn Ross.

TeesMyBody.com $7.99 T-Shirts

I love it!

"The Daddy Dearest Doll" will put the sales of the original Tickle me Elmo dolls circa Christmas 1996 to shame! ;o)~

Seriously, that man needs to be locked up. If only for the sanity of mind for that poor child.

That little girl must be terrified. As a grown woman, *I* would have been terrified to come home to a message like that on my answering machine.

He sounded like he was about to go on a murderous rage, pinpointing a day and time, etc. I find nothing funny about THAT whatsoever.

What a shame. He used to be such a handsome man. Now all I see is mean and ugly when I look at him.

I admit I am not up to date on the gossip on Kim Basinger, but somehow I doubt she was totally guilt free here.

So the poor child gets to suffer over the unamiable divorce of her parents. What a shocker...not

[mouseai]

Haha, that's great! Only, the string should be dangling out from under his robe, no? :-)

His phone skills are definitely making the humor rounds.

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=17200704015

[Marie]

"I am going to side with Alec on this one."

One rage-aholic supporting another. What a shocker!

I agree with you, Shalom. I have pity for what that family has gone through and I believe he loves his daughter. But this is not the way to go at all. Why risk profound damage on your child because you can't manage your emotions? Why? It really saddens me.

That said, you still are a fabulous satirist, 14. I pray someone sends this to him. ;D

[14]

stepmonster...

thank you for noticing the lack of hair on Daddy Dearest's lower legs and mentioning the "weird hairless lower leg thing that men get". I think old guys get it from wearing socks for so many years. No hair at the bottom, lots of hair at the top - very amusing.

ex oh ex oh,
14

[Stepmonster]

Ha! I was waiting for this one, dearest 14. I have no idea what the "real story" is here, but PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) is a nasty business. and I have no sympathy for the bitches who do it.

PS. I like how you nailed that weird hairless lower leg thing that men get.

[Annissa]

I'm so glade that you got Alec's big head just right. Great pic. Hilarious.

[Demon Kitty]

I am going to side with Alec on this one.

Great work 14!

[Spaz]

Perfect!!

Why is the loosely tied bathrobe so right for this picture?? I couldn't imagine it wearing anything else. Just perfect.

[Karl Elvis]

This just *rules*.

I have to remember to read your blog more often.

[nate]

You my amigo are a comedic genius. That is hilarious, and brilliant.

BRILLIANT!!!!!!!

[gilmore]

I love it that he wasn't sure if his own daughter was 11 or 12. Tee hee. He should be up for father of the year.

Your illustration is, as always, spot on.

Love the new header!

[Kathy]

Sage? Sprinkled on for chest and leg hair?

[Shalom/Kai]

On the other site.. I saw everyone excusing him. I know people get mad. People act like this is an isolated incident... but I think it's the only recorded one. I know how awful abuse can be, and if there is abuse... I hope she's okay. I didn't listen to the recording, but I doubt she can be as spoiled as to deserve the profanity. Thanks for bringing out my daddy issues, 14.

Less seriously, I am really amused at how small his feet look. I also like the retro styling.

Now... I know you've been waiting for it..
-(Your token Jewish commenter)

[Jason]

Terrifying.

[WTF]

Daddy Dearest is exactly what I've been calling him since I heard his rant.

I'm sure Kim's has been through hell with him.