Gallery of the Absurd

World Exclusive! The Scientology Boot Camp Handbook

When I spotted the "Scientology BOOT CAMP FOR KATIE!" headline on a recent copy of Star magazine, I knew I had to investigate. I called in favors from an underground cartel of international spies I associate with and demanded they secure a copy of the Scientology Boot Camp Handbook to share with my readers. While they were only able to scan four pages of the handbook before being ambushed by the SSSS (Secret Scientology Surveillance Squad), it's enough to give us a glimpse inside the secretive compound where Katie Holmes and countless others have been held. Below are the other scans in no particular order:

Star magazine claims Scientology Boot Camp consists of "grueling lie detector tests, 36-hour auditing sessions, and constant surveillance", but the magazine never mentioned the entertaining recreational activities participants enjoy during their stay. Despite the barbed wire fences and forced interrogation, Scientology boot camp can be barrels of fun. For more recreational activities, such as Wig-Making with John Travolta, take a look here.

Okay, now I'm jealous. Scientology Boot Camp victims participants get to fly in vintage DC-8 Interstellar Space Planes! Not only that, they'll sleep in a realistic-looking Mothership Dormitory. Hold me back, I'm this close to signing up!

Each handbook features a special introductory letter from Tom Cruise welcoming PCs to clear their engrams and avoid SP influence during RPF telepathic regeneration ORC assignments. Medium: Digital collage. Created in collaboration with Candy Kirby. Letter from Tom Cruise written by Candy.

Meet The Cackling Bowl Cut Chimps

The easiest way to identify this curious species is by the identical bowl cut hairstyle each family member adorns itself with or by the wide-mouthed grimace they display when cackling. Despite the fact the female towers over the male, she submits to his control and has been observed taking on his hobbies, habits and interests. The male is easily agitated, excitable and aggressive toward anyone who dares to criticize his peculiar belief system. If your car breaks down on the highway, you had better hope a Cackling Bowl Cut Chimp is nearby because they're the only ones who can help. Medium: Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Suri: liquid pencil and watercolor on paper. Palm trees: digital sketch. Original sketch shown here.

Tom Cruise Goes to Pot

PRESCRIBING INFORMATION

TOM CRUISE PURPLE (as reported by the NY Daily News)

DESCRIPTION
Medical marijuana sold in vials featuring a picture of Tom Cruise laughing hysterically. Also known as most every picture taken of Tom Cruise. Distributed by licensed cannabis clubs in Northern California.

INDICATIONS
Antiemetic for the treatment of nausea and anorexia associated with treatments for cancer, AIDS, and hepatitis. Tom Cruise Purple also treats people who demonstrate signs of normalcy and turns them into cackling loons.

RECOMMENDED DOSAGE
Enough to make patients speak solely in unintelligible acronyms.

SIDE EFFECTS
God complex, fear of space aliens, couch-jumping, bowl haircut that spreads to rest of family, evil cackling, loss of respect, aversion to psychiatry, homophobia, sudden ability to be the only person who can help with accidents and control forces of nature.

Photo illustration by 14, text written by Candy Kirby.

Keep Your Distance From The Tom Cruise Scientologist

Hurry, hurry, step right up and see the Tom Cruise, Scientologist, pictured in his natural environment on the distant planet Xorzax. Prepare to be amazed as the L. Ron Hubbard spaceship beams top-secret information from the Galactic Confederacy directly into Tom’s cerebral cortex and then marvel as Tom jumps around and cackles as he incoherently spews Hubbard’s thought rays out his mouth and into the collective consciousness of any Earthling that will listen.

Many Earthlings simply ignore or find fleeting entertainment in the wild gesticulations and deranged rants this tiny alien species displays, but make no mistake, this seemingly harmless little extraterrestrial packs a mean punch if you dare to tease, criticize or suggest psychiatric treatment to him. Best to view him from afar. Medium: oil on wood, photoshop.

Tom Cruise Is Having a Bad Week

Tom Cruise and Scientology are at the center of a publicity nightmare this week after Gawker posted a leaked Scientologist video that made the infamous Oprah couch-jumping video look sane. The video is so oddly disturbing that it's made the news around the world. On top of that, he's angry as a hornet about an upcoming unauthorized biography promising shocking Scientology claims and secret details about his bizarre life. And it certainly can't help matters when Tom is accused of "battling middle-aged spread in recent years and looked 'distinctly jowly" on the red carpet last week."

Katie Holmes hasn't escaped controversy either. Much speculation has been swirling regarding the possibility that Tom Cruise might have transformed an unsuspecting Katie into his own personal Stepford Wife. Poor dear has gone through a dramatic metamorphosis since marrying Tom. Medium: Digital composite, Katie photo from Getty Images via A Socialite's Life. Much thanks to Kimberly and Circus Hour Media.

Tom Cruise's Transmission From Outer Space

EXCLUSIVE! We were able to obtain the raw transmission of Tom Cruise. Scientologist as it beamed to Earth from the far reaches of outer space. A warning to some of you, this transmission is extremely disturbing as it contains the actual voices of evil silicon-based Xenu aliens from a distant galaxy. They appear to be dictating to Tom what to say. Behold ye, this chilling recording:

UPDATE: We now have a music video for the Tom Cruise's Alien Transmission from Outer Space thanks to Candy Kirby of Holy Candy. I'm not the only blogger who communicates with aliens...

Now that you're scared out of your wits, check out The Top 10 Reasons Clowns Are Scary for more chills.

Vocals and musical composition by 14 via Garage Band.

Tom Cruise Visits The Mall Santa

Only Gallery of the Absurd has this exclusive photo of Tom Cruise's childhood visit with Santa. Smuggled to us by an anonymous source, this photo captures a happy little Tom sitting on jolly old Santa's lap during a childhood visit to the Xenu Gardens Intergalactic Super Mall located on planet Xordu back in 1972. Medium: digital composite. Much thanks to Cpt. Willy for allowing me to "touch up" his son's Santa photo

Tom Cruise's Thetan Thanksgiving

As we Americans gorge ourselves on turkey (or tofurky) today, let's take a moment to reflect on the Scientologist version of Thanksgiving. After a fleet of space ships commanded by an intergalactic walrus landed on Xenu Rock, Tom Cruise and his band of pilgrim aliens emerged from the L. Ron Mayflower to greet the volcano-dwelling Thetans. Tom immediately began jumping up and down in excitement as soon as he laid eyes on the feast the Thetans had prepared for him - read the full story here. Since we're giving thanks today, I'd just like to express my gratitude to my readers, commenters, fellow bloggers and certain celebrities for contributing so much to Gallery of the Absurd. Without YOU, my blog wouldn't be possible. Thank you for all your inspiration and entertainment and special thanks to my all-time favorite targets: Tom Cruise, Britney Spears, Puff Doodles, Donald Trump, Paris Hilton, Rachael Ray, and Lindsay Lohan. Love, 14.

Tom Cruise is The Messiah

According to a report in the UK Sun, some Scientology leaders believe Tom Cruise is the "Christ of Scientology". Flabbergasted after reading such a claim, we decided to send a group of undercover agents to investigate the dark recesses of the Los Angeles Church of Scientology in order to seek clues. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence and we obtained it! Our wily agents gained entrance into the fortress by feigning interest in being "audited" and were quickly able to escape unnoticed into the darkness of the church basement. Prying open the safe, our agents were shocked to discover Leopold Da Vinnie's famous painting, "The Scientologist's Last Supper". It clearly shows Tom Cruise as Christ, but leaves several other questions unanswered. For instance, who is the mysterious woman seated to His left and why is she smiling like that? Could she be his...gasp...wife? Is that a Jenny Craig-approved cupcake Kirstie Alley is grabbing? John Travolta is wearing loafers and he's floating - what does this mean? How did Will Smith get mixed up with this bunch? So many questions, so few answers. Medium: Acrylic on board, unfinished. Thanks Holly for the brainstorm.

While snooping through the safe, our investigators also obtained this photo of what appears to be an image of Christ burned into a piece of toast. It's a miracle!

Based on our dangerous, yet thorough investigation, we conclude that Tom Cruise is indeed the Scientology Christ. Just take a look at these t-shirts we found in the basement.

TomKat's Fairy Tale Wedding

Jack Tom and the Beanstalk. Congratulations Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and little Suri. Medium: Graphite, ink, digital color. Thanks Tony and Kerri.