Gallery of the Absurd

Celebrity Elves: The Olsen Twins

It's time to debut my 2007 Holiday Greeting Card Collection: Celebrity Elves. The Olsen Twin elves are at times, adorable little imps with large lemur-like eyes and messy tangled hair. Draping themselves in blankets, shawls and furs, they are often spotted teetering about the streets of NY wearing impossible shoes and carrying expensive bags twice their size. Most of the time they look harmless, but occasionally you'll catch a photo of them that sends chills down your spine. An icy glare, an unsmiling face, bright, yet empty eyes. If I was riding my bike down a creepy hotel corridor, say The Overlook for example, and the twins suddenly appeared in front of me, I'd become gripped by fear.

This is the PETA-inspired version of my holiday card. Launching an anti-fur assault against the "Trollsen Twins" today, PETA appears to be focusing their efforts toward discouraging the tween market from wearing fur. Using cartoon images of "Trashley" and "Hairy Kate", PETA's website allows users to dress the twins up in various outfits made from dead bloody animals. Users can also watch a "Full House of Horrors" video in which the twins are accused of "hiding their shrunken bodies" under loads of fur by some nutcase named "Futureman". Medium: graphite on paper, digital color.

If you're looking for unusual holiday cards with sass and attitude, Offensive + Delightful Cards is the place to look.

The World's Most Expensive Handbag

Much discussion has erupted over the recent announcement of the $45,000 Loius Vuitton bag. Only two dozen were made, and despite the fact they look like something a lawnmower chewed up, all have quickly sold out. If you think paying $45,000 is outrageous, then get a load of this Loius Vuitton $150,000 Urban Satchel debuting for Spring 2008:

Made of the world's finest Italian leather, this one-of-a-kind luxury handbag is hand-crafted with carefully chosen "urban charms". The proud owner of this exclusive handbag will be able to flaunt her impeccable style and lavish taste to a world that can only dream about owning such a rare and precious possession. Medium: an old purse found in the back of my closet, rubber cement, various bits of trash found on the sidewalks of San Francisco.

Ashley Olsen has signed a multimillion dollar endorsement deal to advertise the $150,000 Urban Satchel in upcoming issues of Vogue. It's rumored the Olsen Twins are locked in heated battle over who gets to purchase the bag, while Anna Wintour and Victoria Beckham have started a nasty bidding war for it. Medium: Photoshop collage.

I hate to say it, but the $45,000 bag pictured above looks sooooo last season compared to the innovative design of the Urban Satchel.

Olsen Twins: Shaggy Little Imps of Hell?

The Olsen Twins have been seen skulking around the streets of New York while wearing nothing but black tights, homeless blankets and expensive handbags. Their tangled hair hangs languid and their oversized bug-eye glasses shield them from the prying eyes of humanity. Medium: charcoal, pastel, ink on paper.

Valentine, You're My Missing Link

• Genetic comparisons claim 96% similarity between chimps and humans.
• Valentines from the 40's and 50's were corny, creepy, and puzzling.
• The Olsen Twins.

Throw the top three statements into a blender, pour into the brain of a sleep-deprived artist, and within 30 minutes out comes this Valentine. 

Happy Monkeys Swinging in the Money Tree

The little Olsen Twins swing gleefully among the branches of their money tree, picking leaves whenever they feel like it, and spending it all on fancy New York apartments, baggy wardrobes and popcorn bucket-sized cups of coffee from Starbucks. What a life.