Gallery of the Absurd

If Scientists Were Tabloid Fodder

I've always wondered what our culture would be like if we obsessed about the private lives and accomplishments of scientists, researchers and great thinkers the same way we obsess over celebrities. Would we follow closely the scandals of scientific study the same way we follow the scandals of Britney or Madonna? Would certain appealing scientists be given their own reality shows? Perhaps Scientific America would become an easy-to-read weekly and Maxim would include a bevy of young female astronomers and genetic researchers in their annual Maxim Hot 100 List.

Scientists aren't known for their style and fashion sense, so they'd be easy targets for the snippy quips of Star magazine's "Star Style Stalkers". Fashion designers would quickly seize the chance to start creating more fashionable lab coats and safety glasses and we'd see them featured as product placements in major motion pictures. Waiting lists would begin for the most sought after designer lab coats and prices would skyrocket once Chanel and Versace got into the game. Soon, Joan Rivers would show up on the red carpet to pick apart those heading to the Dirac Prize awards show and the E! Channel would run all day coverage.

Us Weekly's infamous Just Like Us feature would show us pictures of scientists living their lives in ordinary ways we can identify with. They really are just like us!

TMZ cameramen would flee the popular celebrity hangouts in Hollywood and park themselves in front of research institutes across the world. Forget the lurid appeal of the Mini-Me sex tape, everyone's talking about Jane Goodall's chimp scandal.

Perez Hilton would likely make up goofy nicknames for leading scientists and then scrawl over their photographs. Of course Perez would also let you know about Perez's fabulous new haircut and Perez's hot new diet body and Perez's stylish clothing line at Hot Topic. Yay!

Worst Celebrity Beach Bodies, Part 1

You can always tell the summer months are upon us as soon as Star magazine's Best and Worst Beach Bodies issue hits the newsstands. The cover features a collection of celebrity bodies coupled with prominent yellow tags stating either "Best" or "Worst" depending on the amount of flab, the diameter of the waistline, or the presence of "moobs".   Lucky photogs with cameras handy the moment they spot celebrity cellulite are rewarded handsomely for their catch. Once the sale is made (usually to a UK tabloid newspaper), the photo is seen by millions around the world after being posted on countless blogs, commented upon by the masses, and deemed newsworthy enough to appear on Fox News.  The humiliated celebrity then issues a statement claiming the photo is "doctored" and reassures the public they're happy with their bodies.  The body drama continues as Star slaps the photo in the Worst section of their beach bodies feature and includes a catty description.  It's said the Best and Worst Bodies issue is one of Star's best sellers.  Attention-hungry Phoebe Price was caught in the cross hairs and made the cover of Star as this season's best Worst body...probably not the kind of attention she wanted. Medium: ink, watercolor in sketchbook.

David Hasselhoff was deemed a Worst beast beach body because of his "seriously scary chest" and was chided for going "way downhill since his beach-ruling TV heyday."  He looks fine to me, although there is something about him that reminds me of the infamous Patterson photo of Bigfoot. Medium: exactly one hour spent smearing oil pastel and charcoal around on paper.

Poor old Janice Dickinson, Star magazine claims "nothing short of a burlap sack could disguise the world's mouthiest supermodel's beauty problems, from a crumply rear to her cups, which runneth under." Medium: pastel and pen on paper.

Look At Those Wrinkles!

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I know gossip reporting is not typically rooted in kindness and compassion - and without tabloids and blogger gossip, I wouldn't have much subject matter to inspire my illustrations and parodies here on GOTA. That being said, Holy Candy and I decided it was high time to collaborate on a Daily Mail parody. The UK's second largest daily newspaper, the Daily Mail has increasingly turned their focus toward conjuring up fear and disgust over the natural process of ageing. Unfortunately, this fear is focused mainly on women. Ageing men featured in the newspaper are fawned over, celebrated, and praised for looking so "natural". Women, on the other hand, are scorned for having veiny hands, wrinkles, cellulite and jowls. Often, a zoomed-in photo of the guilty body part is featured and Photoshop-enhanced to make it look even worse.

Holy Candy and I decided to see what would happen if Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail, was placed under the same scrutiny as the female subjects featured in his newspaper. Just look at his deeply etched crow's feet. The marches of time have not been kind to his age-ravaged face. His veiny hands and pendulous pot belly reveal his true age, and his thinning wisps of grey hair and crooked yellow teeth are sure signs that Father Time is gaining on him. You would think with all that money he makes off bashing older women, he'd be able to afford hair replacement, botox, dental work, and liposuction. medium: photoshop. graphic assembled by 14, text written by Candy Kirby.

The Female Body Proportion Guide Has Been Updated

I came across a metafilter post yesterday with helpful links on How To Draw a Female in Proportion. Included were links to divine proportion, idealized proportion, and the most interesting, historic proportion. The above image came from Adolphe Armand Braun's Hieroglyphic or Greek Method of Life Drawing, published in 1916. If this woman was a celebrity, she'd run the high risk of being called fat by today's media-influenced standards. Curvy hips are a big no no....and A-cups? Forget it.

Now this is more like it. Today's women should have giant bobble heads perched atop a tiny stick figure body showing no discernable curves except for the giant floatation devices attached to her upper torso. Additionally, her lips should be bloated and distorted to appear as a duck bill, while the nose is whittled down to a perky speck on her smooth, wrinkle-free face. Teeth are veneered and polished to a blinding white, and with the exception of the eyebrows, lashes and mane, all hair has been stripped from the body. Bones such as the clavicle and rib cage are often seen protruding through the flesh and is considered appealing. There you have it, the updated 21st century guide to female proportion. medium: ink on paper, photoshop.Thanks Knox.

Scandal Erupts Over Britney Spears Bartending Claims

Earlier this week, TMZ reported Britney Spears had inquired about becoming a bartender at the Viceroy hotel. Tipped off by an anonymous source, TMZ was told Britney's application was being held in the hotel's human resources department. A day later, Extra TV moves in for the kill and claims TMZ's Bartendin' Britney story is bogus. With arched back and bristling fur, TMZ swats back at Extra by publicly scolding them for breaking "reporting rules" and stealing the word "Shoptart". While TMZ and Extra were fighting over scraps, Holy Candy was busy preparing this comprehensive Britney Spears resume. It lists all her talents and achievements on one page so Brit will never have to waste time filling out lengthy applications at whichever random Taco Bell, Chevy's or Applebee's that happen to capture her whim. Medium: Photoshop composite of Manet's "A Bar at the Folies-Bergere" painting.

Three Tragics and a Comic

I've always enjoyed creating comic strips. In fact, one of the reasons I started this blog was to find humor in our culture's obsessive worship of the cult of celebrity. Most of the time celebrity gossip can be amusing, but lately some of it has become downright cruel. I've been working on a comic book over the past few weeks and decided to take a break from it to create a few tragics based on some of the more unscrupulous stories that caught my eye.

Tragic ONE: Madonna

The Daily Mail ran a story of no news value except to point out the current state of Madonna's hands. The headline screamed "She's so vein...Madonna's hands look worse than ever." Of course there appeared the inevitable close-up shot of her "ravaged" hands, and as expected, the photo was enhanced to make her hands look even worse than they really are.

Tragic TWO: Melanie Griffith

It must have been a slow week for Star magazine back in May. Melanie Griffith made the grave error of running errands on a warm summer day while wearing shorts which exposed the wrinkles on her knees. Some paps caught her and the photo appeared in Star along with, yep you guessed it, a close-up shot of the scandalous wrinkled knee. "Melanie Griffith isn't looking as toned and taut as usual. What's up?" asked Star. Oh, and it gets worse. A full-page photo of Melanie's age-spotted and sagging face is shown along with a plastic surgeon's recommendation for her to get face lift, eye job and chemical peel to "bring her face back to life." Hasn't she had enough cosmetic surgery? Don't encourage her.

Tragic THREE: Demi Moore

Father Time has magically erased all the $500,000 work Demi Moore had done on her face and now she looks like a 44 year old woman. Oh yeah, she is 44. I suppose the recent Daily Mail article pointing out Demi's "complexion marked heavily with wrinkles" serves as bitter pill to those hoping to fight off the aging process. The brutal truth is, there's nothing you can do to stop it. Sure, you can get a nip and tuck here and there to freshen up, but gravity takes no prisoners.

Comic: Geriatric Hotness

The Daily Mail enjoys poking barbs at female celebrities over 40, but isn't it interesting how they find old geezer male celebrities to look "fresh faced"? Does "fresh faced" mean having so much plastic surgery that you end up looking like a cross between the Joker and Mickey Rourke like poor old Billy Crystal here? Didn't they happen to notice his hair looks like a dandelion? Well, I sure did. They point out Madonna's veins and Demi's crow's feet, so why not dish on Billy Crystal's see-thru hair? And Clint Eastwood? I like both these guys, but I would hardly call them "fresh faced". Clint's face may have undergone industrial-strength plastic surgery, but he still can't escape the fact he looks like the crypt keeper. Lesson of The Day: Women showing signs of aging should be ashamed of themselves. Men over 60 with clownish plastic surgery should be celebrated for their fresh faces. Medium: ink and graphite on paper, digital text.

Julia Roberts Is Flawed

Julia Roberts suffered recently from one of the tabloids' most poisonous darts of shame, the dreaded yellow arrow. She got all dressed up and went out to a big Hollywood shinding in honor of her pal George Clooney. A week later, her photos appear in the tabloids with each flaw lovingly pointed out. Star magazine yellow arrows the scrap heap pile of metal nestled in the cavities lurking deep inside her capacious mouth. Star also flung another yellow arrow at the large mole popping out near her cleavage. In Touch yellow arrowed Julia's slightly bulging tummy and then added the headline Julia Looks Pregnant! I wonder if she wishes she stayed home that night? Which Hollywood celebrity will be next in line to suffer the yellow arrow of shame? Find out in our next episode.

movie STAR vs STAR magazine

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The public feud between Reese Witherspoon and Star is exemplary in exposing the fragile dynamic of tabloid/celebrity interdependence. They rely on each other for publicity and profit, but sometimes the game turns nasty. About a month ago, Star ran photos of Reese while pointing out her slightly protruding belly. If you're a woman living in Hollywood and your abs show the slightest bit of "pouch", then speculative fervor ignites over your pregnancy status. The feud started when Reese layed eyes upon herself on the cover of Star with the blaring headline BABY #3! She immediately went livid and because she claims she's not pregnant, informed the magazine of her planned lawsuit against them. Now here's where it gets interesting. Star responds to the lawsuit by running a very unflattering photo of a bikini-wearing Reese on the beach, along with the headline, "SHE'S NOT PREGNANT, IT'S BLOAT!!" If that wasn't enough humilation for her, they also included an inset photo of Reese's face, and she looks like some sort of melting swamp creature. I haven't read anything about the lawsuit since Star ran the "retraction", but I hope there's a scathing update in a future issue. Medium: Ink on paper, digital color.

UPDATE: Another movie star vs Star magazine fiasco! This time the victim is Shannen Doherty.

Devious Yet Delicious Tabloid Tactics

A ubiquitous feature in most all the gossip tabloids is a page of quotes uttered by various celebs. Most the quotes are laughable. A photo of a sickly skeletal starlet will appear next to the wisdom she dished out the press, "I'm not anorexic, I eat junk food all the time and never work out. I'm naturally thin." Sometimes it appears the editors enjoy having a little fun with this feature. InTouch magazine recently printed this quote by Cameron Diaz. Was it a calculated decision to find the greasiest photo ever taken of Ms. Diaz and then place it next to her quote? Hmmmm, I wonder.

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Many thanks to the Courier-Journal for the ruthless interrogation. Read the article here.