Gallery of the Absurd

Star Jones Finds New Job With Family Dollar Store

Star Jones Reynolds hasn’t had much luck in the employment department over the past couple years, from famously getting dumped by Barbara Walters to recently having TruTV ax “The Star Jones Show” after only a six-month run. But wait…! No need to open your wallet and donate to the Star Jones Giuseppe Zanotti Stiletto Fund just yet. Thankfully, Star has landed on her feet with a new, glamorous position for which she must travel all over the country — and we were lucky enough to get the media coverage of her first day on the job:

Best wishes to Star in her exciting new job! Credits: Photo collage and graphics by 14, post and newspaper article written by Candy Kirby.

Photoshop in a Can: Star Jones Edition

Just a few short years ago, Star Jones was a bloated biomass who draped herself in the pelts of dead animals while gobbling up media attention with the same gusto as she gobbled up bacon double cheeseburgers. Now, thanks to gastric bypass surgery and the magic of Photoshop in a Can, she has a brand new look and a brand new job.

Even though Star Jones is no longer obese, she still loves to adorn her diva self with loads of fur. She was thrilled to learn she can use Photoshop in a Can to airbrush away her mink coat anytime she finds herself confronted by those pesky folks from PETA. She carries a purse-sized can of the stuff with her at all times. Medium: Photos of dead rats, snarling possums, lifeless foxes, a squirrel that tried to attack me at the park (seriously), a mutilated cow left behind by space aliens, and Star Jones.

Star might be using a wee bit too much Photoshop in a Can. She's gone and made herself look like a cross between a venus flytrap and a wet praying mantis. Stop now while you can Star! There's no revert or undo button! Medium: ink, acrylic on paper, digital color.

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Star's Circus Atmosphere

I rarely watch television, but was compelled to sit in front of the TV last night and watch Star Jones on Larry King. I painted three portraits during the interview and burst into laughter when Star said The View was a "circus atmosphere". It was fun night. Medium: Acrylic, gouache, pastel, paper, a few glasses of wine and a television set.

How To Attract A Star Fish

Rumors are flying that Star Jones got canned from The View because of all the attention surrounding her shameless quest for freebies and because of the denial and controversy surrounding her dramatic weight loss. When it comes to Star Jones, I don't know what to believe...all I know is that when Animal Magazine asked Michael K and I to come up with ideas for celebrity animals, we all agreed that Ms. Jones reminded us of one of those bug-eyed goldfish.  According to popular speculation, both the Bug-Eyed Star Fish (gastrica bypassus denialus) and the Reynolds Rainbow Trout (homosexus closeta) are awash in various forms of denial.

Disasterous Results Ensue When Combining Pop Culture Icons

So my friend Kipling suggested that I paint a "goatse" celebrity. She says, "You should see all the goatse inspired art all over the Internet...there's all sorts of web sites devoted to it."

14  "What's a goatse? Is it some new derivation of furry fandom?"
Kipling "Nah, it's the most disgusting photo on the Internet."
14  "Really? How did I not know about it...Where can I see it?!?!"
Kipling "Are you sure you want to see it?"
14  "The most disgusting thing on the Internet...yep, I gotta see it right away."
And that was how I lost my last remaining shreds of childlike innocence.

Sure, the goatse image was horrifying, but it was tame compared to The Most Disgusting Page EVER in Star magazine. One day I turn the page and see a giant photo of Star and Al "kissing" along with the headline, "Star Jones Reynold's SEX SECRETS!"   NOOOOOO!!! NO. NO NO NO. Those words should never, ever be used in a sentence together.  So, as vulgar as this subject is, I have now added to the ever expanding collection of goatse inspired "art" on the Internet. I'm sure this will do wonders for my career.

A Girlie Magazine for "Discreet" Men

Gallery of the Absurd Publications is pleased to announce the premier issue of BABE magazine. BABE was produced with the "discreet" gentleman in mind and features full-color pin-ups of their favorite types of gals, along with useful and informative articles about how to stay "discreet" while in the public eye.  We decided to put Star Jones on the cover of BABE because she loves to show off her hot new bod at the beach.  Tom Cruise, Al Reynolds, and David Gest are all big fans of BABE magazine!

The Strange Morphing Face of Startled Jones

While in the middle of painting the Star Jones pin-up for Babe Magazine (see above), I felt I needed to look at her face once again before adding the finishing touches.  I wanted some recent photos, so I went to getty images.  When I pulled up the photos, I nearly fell over backwards!!  WHAT HAS SHE DONE TO HER FACE? It's too late at night for me to be looking at photos as blood-curdling at these!  I know faces change appearance after dramatic weight loss, but Star looks really different.  I compared the much maligned Star-in-red-bathing-suit image from a few weeks ago with the photos from her recent book signing and she looks like a different person.  She looks like a very startled big-eyed alien. I hereby bequeath her a new moniker: Startled Jones.

Version ONE: too tame


Version TWO: perfect

Photo proof:

Star Jones Wants Everything for Free

At least that's what the tabloids claim.  It was reported that Star, aka "Bridezilla" and her husband Al Reynolds paid almost nothing for her extravagantly expensive sponsored wedding.  Apparently, she promised sponsors a free plug on The View in exchange for things like $6,000 cakes and exotic honeymoons.  I would have loved to have drawn her as Bridezilla, but I thought Ursula the Sea Witch was a more appropriate metaphor.  She can use all those tentacles to grab all the free stuff she wants - even a husband!