Gallery of the Absurd

A Portrait of Amy Winehouse

I took a quick break from the project I'm working on and whipped up a painting of Amy Winehouse. There's some filthy gossip going around that Amy's husband "Blaaaaake" might be filing for divorce. While the rumor may or may not be true, my gut tells me it's just a matter of time. By sawing off her beehive and dying her locks blonde, Amy is exhibiting Level I warning signs of a looming Celebrity Meltdown. As demonstrated by Britney, the wearing of the same accessory (dirty pink ballet slippers have been replaced with a yellow scarf) every day is another indication that this train's next stop is Crazy Town. The next step, of course, is the head shaving - once that occurs, we'll all be assualted with non-stop "entertainment news" coverage on The Associated Press, FOX News and CNN. Get ready for the coming onslaught. Medium: acrylic and ink on board.

The Amy Winehouse Snow Globe Has Been Recalled

Amy Winehouse Singing Snow Globe Recalled Due to Constant Malfunction

LONDON -- - The U.K. Department for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform and Amy Winehouse's parents today announced an involuntary recall of one of the worst celebrity-endorsed holiday gifts in history: the singing Amy Winehouse Snow Globe. Despite initial high demand from music fans and celebrities such as Pete Doherty, who was spotted trying to break open a Snow Globe, the product's constant malfunctions have prompted an onslaught of returns to stores and an immediate recall.

The snow globe has a number of defects. The more snow it inhales, the more magnified they become, including: slurring the words to "White Christmas"; spitting and swearing at onlookers; forgetting its shirt; and failing to perform altogether, even when wound up.

Amy's parents demand that consumers stop purchasing the recalled product immediately-- and are more than happy to talk to any and all media outlets about their "devastation" over the product's malfunctions.

Medium: graphite and digital composite, idea came to us after drinking a generous wellspring of free wine in a SF hotel lobby. Text written by Candy Kirby.

Cisco Adler's Christmas Balls Aren't Selling

Adding to our list of the Worst Celebrity Endorsed Gift Items of the Season are these festive holiday tree ornaments. Cisco Adler (who? I know, I didn't know who he was either) gained notoriety the Hollywood way when a nude photograph of him and his, ahem...certain pendulous body parts were posted all over the internet. As every scandal-torn celeb knows, cashing in on your notoriety will only make you more famous - especially if nudity is involved. I have to hand it to him, the Christmas balls were a good idea..however, people found them too heavy. Who wants tree ornaments that drag on the floor? Not me. Medium: graphite and ink on paper, digital color, and a wily imp.

The Richie SamborBRA: Because Groupies Aren't The Only Things Hanging Around

The Richie SamborBRA begins our list of the Worst Celebrity Endorsed Gift Items of the Season. Fed up with being taunted for his "man boobs" when photographed carousing topless on the beach with Denise Richards, Richie Sambora went to work creating a masculine mammary support system for men who suffer from gynecomastia, or simply for those seeking a little more sleek support for their gravitationally-challenged physique. Shipped from China last summer, the SamborBRAs gathered dust as they sat unpurchased on store shelves across the country. Oh well, Richie Sambora now has his own lifetime supply and might be able to sell a few here and there off eBay. medium: photo composite, collaboration with partner in crime.

Clay Aiken Is Hungry For Blood....and Twinkies

The following spoof of this Child's Play trailer was written by Candy of Holy Candy:

It all started with a big sing-off. I was just your average, everyday college student till a little encouragement from an evil man named Simon made me what I am today: Chunky.

See, y'all, after the "Velvet Teddy Bear" robbed me of a life as an American Idol winner, I went on a rampage, killing the Bear on the Billboard charts, and stealing the hearts of housewives and men's chorus members nationwide. That's right -- my "aw, shucks" Howdy Doody exterior belies an inner savage beast. Nobody is safe in my path. Just ask Kelly Ripa, airplane passengers, teenage fans, and that snack aisle I just pillaged.

Bwahahaha!

Oh, and while I'm unleashing my beast on those pesky gossip bloggers, be sure to check out my CD, All is Well (Till You Ask Me If I'm Gay), flying off the shelves at a Wal-Mart near you! Medium: a little too much fun with my wacom tablet, movie tagline written by Candy.

Beware The Creature From The Black Eyed Peas

Simply put, I saw this photo of Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson and immediately this image of the Creature From The Black Lagoon popped into my head. Medium: graphite and watercolor on paper, digital color/text.

Lohan Boa Constrictor Swallows Sambora Mouse Whole

Once upon a time, there lived a lonely boa constrictor out in the middle of a Utah rehabilitation facility. This lusty little snake was starved for fresh meat and seething with insatiable desire. One day, a dazed, middle-aged mouse was brought to the rehab facilty. The hungry freckled snake spotted the paunchy old mouse and began to salivate with ardent desire. "Fresh meat, fresh meat, now I shall eat!" exclaimed the nubile reptile, and then she carefully slithered toward the hapless lumpy mouse, wrapped her lusty young body around him, and slowly began to devour the endomorphic rodent. The mouse seemed to enjoy himself even though he knew he was in mortal danger. The end. This dark fairy tale was inspired by Michael K's update about Richie Sambora entering the same rehab facility as the one Lindsay Lohan is currently staying. MK wrote, "I can see her now, slithering into his room like a freckled boa constrictor. She'll take a hold of his mouse and won't let go until she's swallowed it whole. He doesn't have a chance in hell." How could I not illustrate that? Medium: Gouache on vellum. Much thanks to Moonmaid and Filmwatcher2002.

Granny Claims Sir Bob Geldof is Satan

An angry granny has condemned Sir Bob Geldof as the embodiment of Satan. The caustic granny claims Geldof is very cruel, greedy and has raised his children as hippies. Geldof is often referred to as a saint because of his devotion to ending poverty, but granny thinks he's Satan. I'm not sure why this obscure little story caught my eye, perhaps I just wanted a fun reason to paint Geldof as the Lord of Darkness. Medium: acrylic, gold metallic on board.

A Case of The Pot Calling The Kettle Black

Punk legend John Lydon lashed out at Sting by calling him a "soggy old dead carcass" and an "old fart". Lydon, no spring chicken himself, complained that listening to Sting squeak through Roxanne was like letting air out of a balloon. Celebrity feuds carried out in the public arena are often entertaining, but no one pulls them off as well as the Brits. The rather corpse-like Lydon also grumbled about Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty. "There's no much going on in their head...They obviously don't like what they're doing and that's why you turn to drugs." Sounds like the Punk Rock legend has turned into a grumpy old man. Medium: ink on paper, digital color.

Cats Love Pete Doherty's Crack Addict Crunchies

Recent reports claim Pete Doherty's cats were found with cocaine in their systems. Similar to the air in Rome, Junkie Pete's London apartment is wafting with enough cocaine particles to keep him, his cats, and his entire neighborhood high for months. After noticing his cats were snorting lines, hallucinating, drinking all his beer, and stealing his car for crack-fueled joy rides, Pete came up with an idea. He would gather trash, bits of rotting food and dust from his apartment and make cat treats from it. Pete Doherty's Crack Addict Crunchies are taking London by storm and will soon be available in the United States. They're 40 times stronger than catnip and your cat is guaranteed to love them...but please, keep them out of reach from Hollywood starlets. Medium: oil on wood, digital color. Original sketch here.