Gallery of the Absurd

Controversial Alien on Film Truth Exposed

Last week it was announced that a Denver man had come forward with videotaped evidence proving the existence of extraterrestrial life. The tape shows a large-headed, dark eyed creature peeping through a window. Much debate has erupted over whether the video is authentic or simply CGI trickery. Being somewhat of a UFO buff myself, I took a still of the film and ran it through several sophisticated photo filters and data imaging programs and am pleased to share the results with my readers. As it turns out, the video is nothing more than a security surveillance tape from a Beverly Hills Hermes store window. The "alien" in question is clearly an image of Victoria Beckham gazing through the window, her eyes filled with hypnotic yearning as she contemplates the next $9,000 purse she's about to purchase.

Here's the original still from the film.

Beckham's Chinese Condoms Are Number One

When a Chinese condom manufacturer made the wise decision to slap David Beckham's smooth golden image onto a box of poorly selling condoms, they immediately watched sales skyrocket to number one in China. Beckham didn't approve the use of his image and he's not endorsing or making any profit from it (Poor Posh, just imagine all the day-glo Hermes bags she's missing out on hoarding).

It's amazing how one can take a bunch of flimsy rubber, cram it in a box, add a picture of a pretty soccer player on the front...and then sit back and watch the profits roll in. I'm in the wrong business, I tell ya. What many of you don't know is that it was I who designed the Beckham condoms box. Yes, it's true...I have lucrative International Chinese connections. The winning design is above, but below, I'm sharing the rejected designs I submitted:

Sitting in the boardroom of the International Abundant Wai Hung Chemical Plastics and Beef Manufacturing Concern, LLC, I explained to the large group of managers and board members that sometimes reality is more compelling than fantasy. So why not use a raw paparazzi photo of Becks instead of some slick, overly Photoshopped image? I told them reality TV and paparazzi-captured candids were really hot in the US, but after much deliberation, myself and the 120 managers didn't see eye to eye. Design REJECTED.

When this image came up in the presentation, I heard a hushed murmur race across the meeting room. Some of the men became flushed, a few appeared to be sweating....and several started fanning themselves until the more composed others shot them a look that brought forth the clearing of throats and a shifting in the seats. "Well, what do you think of this one?", I chirped. The room was silent for a few moments as nervous glances were exchanged. The room became warm and humid, the windows fogged...and then the chairman let out a resounding "NO!" Design REJECTED. Medium: photo composite, created in collaboration with Candy Kirby.

Victoria Elfham: Guardian of the Great White Bulge

The Posh Elf is a tiny unsmiling creature who can often be spotted vehemently guarding the Great White Bulge of the Beckham mountain range. Similar to the torrid geological structure underlying Yellowstone National Park, the Great White Bulge is located on unstable ground prone to rise and harden in between short periods of flaccid dormancy.

Posh Elf sinks her sharply spiked elf boots into the smooth firm soil atop the Great White Bulge to prevent it from rising whenever another elf wanders too close. Although the Posh Elf has a strict policy of never sharing The Bulge with others, she does invite eager photographers to swing by and take photos of the awe-inspiring natural phenomenon. She delights in dangling it in front of others while boasting and braying about its large size, "it's a huge one...it's like a tractor exhaust pipe." The Great White Bulge isn't as faithful as Yellowstone's famous geyser, and this causes the Posh Elf to devote even more vigilance toward her guarding duties. medium: graphite on paper, digital color.

I'm Sick of Celebrity Fragrances and I'm Not Going To Take it Anymore, Part 3

A $250 million contract with the LA Galaxy isn't enough cash for David Beckham. I can just hear Posh griping at him, "But dahling, you don't understand...I need a different Hermes bag for every outfit I wear! You wouldn't want me being seen carrying the same bloody old $12,000 bag for two days in row now would you dear?" Industry experts predict the Beckham fragrance franchise will generate $100 million in sales this year. I was especially intrigued by Instinct, Beck's fragrance for men. A dark, mysterious image of Beckham appears in the print ad. He stares deep into your eyes with his icy come-hither gaze while holding a ring that looks like it came from the International Male catalog. I think the ad would have been more inviting had they used a real photo of Becks - perhaps this would have been a better fit. The Beckham Fragrances website makes a laughable attempt to distinguish Instict from all the other celebrity fragrances crowding the market. Instead of focusing on the scent, they tout the bottle: ...engraved within the carefully proportioned flacon's base is a sparkling "diamond"; a discreet reminder of Beckham's sophisticated personal style. What?!?! A fake "diamond" on the made-in-China "flacon" represents "style"? ha haaaaaaaa! It gets better: The innovative metallic cap brings a surprising twist and sense of modernity to this fragrance... I wasn't going to buy it, but I'm sold now that I've learned the cap is so innovative and...metallic. Medium: acrylic on board, digital color/text. Photo of in-process painting here.

Victoria "Posh" Beckham Invades Los Angeles

Victoria "Posh" Beckham has been staging a shameless media blitz so everyone will know without a doubt that she and David have officially arrived in Los Angeles. Instead of choosing a private jet and making a discreet arrival, they made their journey on a commercial jet and flew into LAX with hoards of photographers standing by. Victoria also starred in her own reality TV show, "Victoria Beckham: Coming to America", but critics were quick to savage it. The New York Post described Victoria's "vapid, condescending behavior" and called the show "an orgy of self-indulgence". Oh, and let's not forget the W cover. Victoria is often compared to a robot due to her inabilty to crack a smile and show emotion. Not only is she filthy rich, she sleeps next to David Beckham at night...if I were her, I'd be smiling all time. I've chosen to portray Ms. Beckham as Futura, the icy fembot from the 1927 silent film masterpiece Metropolis. I found the resemblance to be astounding. Medium: acrylic and gouache on board, quantum entanglement, digital color.

David Beckham is Sooo Pretty

After being voted "The World's Most Beautiful Sports Icon" by People magazine, David Beckham issued a press release enlightening the world how he stays so gorgeous.  His wife Victoria "smothers beauty creams on him at bedtime" (ewwww) and he pampers himself with manicures and facials.  After I read the release, I immediately pictured him as a giant Barbie doll head for little girls to play with.