Gallery of the Absurd

Stylish Fashion Choices For Oversized Flightless Birds

This image will make sense if you click here. That's all I have to say about the matter.

The Uninteresting Blob of Flesh

Why all the hype surrounding this Uninteresting Blob of Flesh? The Blob hasn't done anything significant, doesn't have anything interesting to say...and yet, it appears on the covers of magazines and on primetime TV. People magazine has scored the exclusive post prison interview with the Uninteresting Blob of Flesh. I'm sure folks are eagerly lining up at the newsstands.

There was much hype surrounding the Uninteresting Blob of Flesh's interview with Larry King, and yet...

The interview was so mind-numbingly boring. The Uninteresting Blob of Flesh attempted to display its vast intelligence by speaking in controlled monotone, cocking its head to the side to feign interest, shuffling papers around, and furrowing its brow when deep thought was being called upon. The most interesting part of the interview was the blatant lie it told when asked if it had ever used drugs. Another highlight was when Larry asked the Uninteresting Blob of Flesh what its favorite bible passage was. A reasonable question since the Blob claims to have found God and was recently photographed strategically clutching a bible. The question caused the Blob a brief moment of panic, but it was able to formulate a cover-your-ass answer: "I don't have a favorite". If you'd like to see a really entertaining TV news story about the Uninteresting Blob of Flesh, look no further than here. Medium: IllustratorCS and photo collage.

Paris Hilton: Please Make Her Go Away

Paris Hilton juxtaposed with report of possible catastrophic tiger extinction.

Paris Hilton juxtaposed with article about 50 more years in Iraq.

Paris Hilton juxtaposed with report of US anti-missile plans in Eastern Europe.

The relentless media hysteria surrounding the Paris Hilton saga really bothered me today. It's my opinion that her pathetic story belongs on gossip sites and perhaps as a two-minute entertainment segment on the national news, but not as an all day breaking news story on major media outlets. I understand there are issues to be discussed surrounding Paris Hilton's sickening preferential treatment, but do we need to watch a looping tape of the spoiled brat sobbing in the back of a sheriff's car? Do we need to be shown helicopter footage of Hilton's Hollywood Hills home (Oh look, it's her roof!) throughout the day? Wouldn't it be nice if CNN left their growing emphasis on entertainment reporting to the pros over at TMZ and instead focus their efforts on reporting and debating newsworthy items that actually impact our daily lives? These paintings are less about Paris Hilton and more about the frustration I had with the news media today. Medium: news stories printed from Yahoo News and the Washington Post, collage, acrylic, colored pencil, glitter and photoshop.

Paris Hilton: Media Distraction

Why is Paris Hilton coverage a top "breaking news" story on CNN??? Shouldn't they be busying themselves with more important issues....like actual news? I guess not. Paris is so much more important. Sure, discussions of Paris Hilton belong on the gossip blogs and forums, but not in our national news. A blatant display of bread and circuses, folks. Whew, just had to get that off my chest. Rant over. Since so many people emailed me the photo, I decided I would layer actual comments onto it that I found posted on Dlisted and TMZ. The photo and comments speak for themselves and I really don't want to waste any more of my time on her.

Paris Hilton Goes To The Big Bird Cage

When I think of Paris Hilton in jail, this is the image that comes to mind. According to The Sun, the female inmates at the Century Regional Detention Facility include "violent robbers, hookers, junkies and a mob of butch lesbians who control by force". Perhaps I've watched too many cheesy women's prison films, but wouldn't it be great for Hilton's "career" if she starred in a remake of Caged Heat or The Big Bird Cage when (or if) she finishes her prison term? This concludes my Paris Hilton Celebration Week...for now. Medium: ink on paper, digital color.

Southern California Crustaceans: The Heiress Crab

I had my hand slapped recently by Paris Hilton's attorney after I painted crabs scurrying near the vicinity of her crotch. A warning to other artists and bloggers: you may not add crustaceans to any of your creative interpretations of Paris Hilton because doing so implies Ms. Hilton has loathsome diseases and you'll be threatened with defamation. However, no one said anything was wrong with painting Paris Hilton as a crab. The Heiress Crab is an invasive species of crustacean found in Southern California. It can be spotted crawling around Barneys, Kitsons, the In-N-Out Burger and in various nightclub VIP rooms. It has numerous natural enemies and can't seem to hold on to any friends. Cops enjoy pulling the Heiress Crab over not because it often breaks the law, but because they want to ask it out to dinner. Recently the Heiress Crab was sentenced to spend time in a crab trap as punishment for it's bad behavior and now it's claws are out for vengeance. Medium: oil on wood.

Much thanks to GeekSugar for this nice write up and interview confirming the fact that I am indeed a geek.

Paris Hilton: Jail Bird

The Jail Bird is squawking mad because she thinks her prison sentence is "cruel and unfair". She refuses to take responsiblity for driving under the influence or for driving with a suspended license. The Jail Bird is very lucky she didn't kill someone when she drunkenly swerved her Mercedes into the In-n-Out Burger drive thru late one night.That would be "cruel and unfair". The Jail Bird believes she's above the law because of "who she is" and continues to blame others for her mistake. The Jail Bird is sure to be extremely unpopular in the Century Regional Detention Facility and will have to watch her back at all times. She faces being preyed upon by "very masculine lesbians" and even worse, won't be allowed to wear makeup or touch up her dark roots. The Jail Bird will spend 45 pensive nights sleeping on a thin stained mattress and a scratchy old wool blanket. I think it will do her a world of good. Medium: graphite on paper, digital color.

Paris Hilton vs. Gallery of the Absurd?

By now you might have heard I received a letter from Paris Hilton's attorney asking me to remove the parody of The Simple Life Goes to Camp from my blog. At first, I thought the letter was from a prankster. I laughed and then ignored it. I wrote to Michael K over at Dlisted to tell him about it and he said he received the same letter and that it was legit. I became extremely perplexed...how could my idiotic parody do any more harm to Paris Hilton's reputation than she's already done to herself? I asked her attorney this question and it pretty much boiled down to the fact that I added freshwater crabs to the side of the boat. Apparently, the presence of semi-terrestrial crustaceans imply that Paris has a "loathsome disease". I removed the little buggers as instructed.

As I've stated before, the illustrations on this site are born from the social commentary generated by celebrity gossip. The truth is, I'm not inspired by Paris Hilton herself, I'm inspired by you. Your blogs, your message boards, your comments, and your tabloids are what spark my ideas and amusement. The opinions we have about Paris Hilton are much more entertaining than Paris Hilton herself. There are countless references to Paris Hilton's alleged crabs to be found all over the internet and I had chosen to add that particular element to the parody. I don't have the the huge amount of cash needed to fight Paris Hilton over this, so it's much more affordable just to make the crabs disappear. I won't stop painting Paris Hilton though. Nope, as long as people talk about her, I'll continue.

With that said, thank you very much for your support and encouragement. Crab photo taken by Kipling West.

My talented pal gilmore from Pretty on the Outside made this for me to show his support. I was so touched and amused by his kind gesture that I had to post it. Thank you g!

People are now sending me their creative interpretations of this silly debacle.

Okay, back to business....

The Simpleton Life, starring Paris and Nicole

We've obtained the exclusive image of the Simple Life Goes To Camp promo poster before it was heavily altered in Photoshop. According to a source, problems plagued the set. Paris Hilton kept flashing her privates because she thought the film crew was the paparazzi. Originally, Brandon Greasy Bear Davis was hired to carry the boat over the water, but a pack of orphaned bear cubs kept following him and he had to be removed from the photo. Tinkerbell threw herself overboard in a final attempt to escape from Paris's clutches. Paris didn't notice her dog was missing until several days later. Medium: ink on paper, digital color. Yes, there's an uncensored version of this illustration and it's painted in horrifying detail.

Photo retouchers had to smooth over Nicole Richie's gaunt face and worked long hours fixing Paris Hilton's "wonky eye"

Brandon Davis sweated profusely during the photoshoot giving him a slippery grasp. Thinking Brandon was their long lost mother, hungry bear cub orphans followed and suckled at him as he carried the boat through the water. The EPA had to be called because a strange oil slick was found in the lake after Mr. Davis emerged from the water.

Britney, Lindsay and Paris: The Three Disgraces

La Primavera is one of Sandro Botticelli's best known paintings. The angelic figures shown in this ethereal work of art all represent mythological characters. While viewing this painting at the Uffizi, my eyes were drawn to the fluid movement and delicate beauty of the Three Graces. According to Greek mythology, the Three Graces represent beauty, charm and joy. Contemporary mythological characters such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are the antithesis of grace. This makes them the Three Disgraces. They represent sleaze, trash, and desperate cry for attention. What makes these women think we want to see high resolution photos of their bald, flabby, and in Britney's case, Kevin Federline-infected genitalia? If they want to show off their crotch, why don't they just go ahead and pose for Playboy? Their girlie bits would be thankfully photo retouched to oblivion and our precious eyeballs would be spared the harsh detail of pimples, stubble, cesarean scar and general ickiness sullying their private parts. Medium: Acrylic on board.