Gallery of the Absurd

Paris Hilton's Dainty Hands Now on Display

Poor Paris Hilton, when will the unforgiving public start noticing her vast talent, her selfless contributions to society, her important brand status of “like, a businesswoman”….anything other than the fact she has huge hands, hypertrophied feet, a low dull hum of a personality, an oddly shaped behind (and we all know every unfortunate inch of her intimate parts thanks to the Internet) and her charming little wonk eye? She’s a brand, folks. Don’t you understand? She’s one of America’s most recognizable exports! We should be proud of our national treasure, our American princess, our box office Goliath. Medium: Gouache on paper.

Happy New Year From Paris Hilton

I'd like to wish everyone a very healthy, happy, inspired, and successful 2008. Be careful when celebrating your New Years Eve festivities - don't drink too much of that Paris Hilton champagne in a can or else you might find yourself naked, covered in gold paint, and slithering across an arid Martian landscape as you pine for your lost inheritance. Not a good way to start the year. Medium: graphite, watercolor and gouache in sketchbook.

UPDATE: Posting will resume on January 7. I'll also be announcing the Jamie Lynn Spears contest winner next week. There's more exciting news to share with you, but I must keep mum for now...and it's driving me crazy. Enjoy your weekend!

Paris Hilton Involved in Drunk Elephant Scandal

It was reported Paris Hilton made a heart-wrenching plea to save the drunken elephants of India, but Hilton claims she never said such a thing and the story was quickly retracted. That's too bad, because Candy and I refuse to accept the retraction and began working diligently to immortalize this gem of a story. First Paris tells us she's going to visit Rwanda to corrupt help the starving children, but that ended up not happening. Paris did say she wanted to devote more time to charity, so she's founded SADE (Socialites Against Drunken Elephants) and will be starring in an upcoming Public Service Announcement to alert the public of the perilous dangers of boozed up pachyderms. That's right, next time you see rummy elephants pole dancing and making asses of themselves in public, you can rest assured Paris Hilton is going to put, like, an end it to. medium: ink on paper, digital color. SADE concept by Candy. thanks jessica

Hallmark Strikes Back At Paris Hilton

Hallmark has responded to Paris Hilton's lawsuit, reports TMZ. According to Hallmark attorneys, Paris "has become a household name, based in large part on her efforts to draw attention to herself. Having done so, she has subjected herself to public scrutiny and the parodist's pen. The First Amendment does not allow her to respond by welcoming the fawning and flattering, but silencing the critical and comical." I stand behind Hallmark and that's why I'm reposting the controversial crab image back onto my blog. Look at what a lovely holiday greeting card it makes! Speaking of greeting cards, please check out the Paris Hilton-inspired Hallsnark Heiress Greeting Card Collection created by my blogging buddies over at Pretty On The Outside and Holy Candy.

Paris Hilton Greeting Cards: When You Care Enough To Send the Very Best

Another day, another Paris Hilton litigation. This time, her target is Hallmark Cards. The humorless heiress wasn't pleased when she discovered this Hallmark card depicting her as a waitress and using her trademarked phrase, "That's Hot". Paris is suing the greeting card company for $500,000 and Hallmark isn't backing down. A spokeswoman for Hallmark defended the card as parody and said "These cards take a satirical look at news and gossip surrounding these public figures, including Paris Hilton, and we do not believe Hallmark has violated any of Ms. Hilton's rights.". That may be true, but can Hallmark legally use her unauthorized image for profit? I guess we'll soon find out. Pairing my illustrations with actual Paris Hilton quotes, I decided to create a parody of the parody with my own line of Paris Hilton greeting cards. Brighten up someone's day with this cheerful breezy card (pictured above) featuring one of Ms. Hilton's most inspiring revelations, I don't really think, I just walk.

Here's the perfect card to send your "Girls Night Out" pals. Designed to resemble this Hallmark card, your gal pals will be reminded just how lucky they are to be free from all the annoying fame and recognition that Paris Hilton must face each time she goes out.

Help impressionable young tweens aspire toward dignity and class with this candid, yet charming photo of Paris Hilton shamelessly flashing her undies to a crowd of photographers. Paris is a dazzling role model for your precious little daughters.

One of Hallmark's more popular greetings features a character called Little Birdy. Paris Hilton is rather bird-like, so I've created a character called Big Birdy. Big Birdy perches on its branch high in the forest while it ponders the puzzling definition of a soup kitchen.

Of all Paris Hilton's vapid blather, this quote is my all-time favorite. Commenting on Hilton's "royalty", writer Michael Bryan wrote, "Paris is perfect for elevation to the American peerage. Scion of dynastic family wealth she had no part of creating, sporting a name that functions as a brand, vain to the point of self-obsession, possessed of the moronic beauty of youth, superficially glamorous but morally and intellectually impoverished, famous mainly for public lewdness and exhibitionism, owning the mating habits of a Bonobo, and sporting a massive air of entitlement, Paris is eminently qualified to be a member of America's theoretical peerage. In fact, she is a strong candidate for America's Princess." This card honors our Princess and reminds others how important she is to our country.

Now You Can Walk in Paris Hilton's Shoes

You know you've secretly always wanted to walk a mile in Paris Hilton's shoes....and now you can! The ex-jailbird has announced she'll be designing her own line of shoes and only Gallery of the Absurd has the exclusive preview of two of the hottest styles from her collection. The Supertanker, shown above, features dainty ankle straps paired with sexy four-inch heels. You need not worry about the state of your pedicure because when you slip on these adorable shoes, your toes will look perfect every time.

Forget Jimmy Choo. Forget Manolo Blahnik. Judging from these sexy boots, Paris Hilton is sure to be the new IT shoe designer. Manufactured in China Handcrafted in Italy using only the finest leathers from the largest cows, the Paris Hilton Clodhopper is sure to become your wardrobe favorite. Don't worry about whether or not you can fit these things into your closet - the Clodhopper comes with its very own decorator storage trunk. You can use it as a coffee table and no one will ever know your Clodhoppers are stashed inside. Paris is so clever! (thanks Jessica)

Victoria Beckham's robot friends admire her new pair of Paris Hilton Supertankers.

Mary Kate Olsen tends to gravitate toward the more unusual expensive designer shoes - and that's why she simply adores her new Paris Hilton Clodhoppers.

Stylish Fashion Choices For Oversized Flightless Birds

This image will make sense if you click here. That's all I have to say about the matter.

The Uninteresting Blob of Flesh

Why all the hype surrounding this Uninteresting Blob of Flesh? The Blob hasn't done anything significant, doesn't have anything interesting to say...and yet, it appears on the covers of magazines and on primetime TV. People magazine has scored the exclusive post prison interview with the Uninteresting Blob of Flesh. I'm sure folks are eagerly lining up at the newsstands.

There was much hype surrounding the Uninteresting Blob of Flesh's interview with Larry King, and yet...

The interview was so mind-numbingly boring. The Uninteresting Blob of Flesh attempted to display its vast intelligence by speaking in controlled monotone, cocking its head to the side to feign interest, shuffling papers around, and furrowing its brow when deep thought was being called upon. The most interesting part of the interview was the blatant lie it told when asked if it had ever used drugs. Another highlight was when Larry asked the Uninteresting Blob of Flesh what its favorite bible passage was. A reasonable question since the Blob claims to have found God and was recently photographed strategically clutching a bible. The question caused the Blob a brief moment of panic, but it was able to formulate a cover-your-ass answer: "I don't have a favorite". If you'd like to see a really entertaining TV news story about the Uninteresting Blob of Flesh, look no further than here. Medium: IllustratorCS and photo collage.

Paris Hilton: Please Make Her Go Away

Paris Hilton juxtaposed with report of possible catastrophic tiger extinction.

Paris Hilton juxtaposed with article about 50 more years in Iraq.

Paris Hilton juxtaposed with report of US anti-missile plans in Eastern Europe.

The relentless media hysteria surrounding the Paris Hilton saga really bothered me today. It's my opinion that her pathetic story belongs on gossip sites and perhaps as a two-minute entertainment segment on the national news, but not as an all day breaking news story on major media outlets. I understand there are issues to be discussed surrounding Paris Hilton's sickening preferential treatment, but do we need to watch a looping tape of the spoiled brat sobbing in the back of a sheriff's car? Do we need to be shown helicopter footage of Hilton's Hollywood Hills home (Oh look, it's her roof!) throughout the day? Wouldn't it be nice if CNN left their growing emphasis on entertainment reporting to the pros over at TMZ and instead focus their efforts on reporting and debating newsworthy items that actually impact our daily lives? These paintings are less about Paris Hilton and more about the frustration I had with the news media today. Medium: news stories printed from Yahoo News and the Washington Post, collage, acrylic, colored pencil, glitter and photoshop.

Paris Hilton: Media Distraction

Why is Paris Hilton coverage a top "breaking news" story on CNN??? Shouldn't they be busying themselves with more important issues....like actual news? I guess not. Paris is so much more important. Sure, discussions of Paris Hilton belong on the gossip blogs and forums, but not in our national news. A blatant display of bread and circuses, folks. Whew, just had to get that off my chest. Rant over. Since so many people emailed me the photo, I decided I would layer actual comments onto it that I found posted on Dlisted and TMZ. The photo and comments speak for themselves and I really don't want to waste any more of my time on her.