Gallery of the Absurd

Miley Cyrus Causes a Sensation By Posing Topless In Vanity Fair

I had a hard time painting 15-year old Miley Cyrus because when one stares at her for a long time, she looks like a chubby cheeked child one minute, and then seconds later, she appears as a hung-over, hard-bitten, 20-something party girl waking up in the bed of a stranger and in bad need of a shower. Do I paint her looking innocent, or do I pick up on the overt sexuality simmering through her come-hither gaze? I was never able to make a decision. I'm quite curious of your opinions about Miley's Vanity Fair photo shoot - is it kandy koated kiddie porn or simply an artistic portrayal of a young girl seeking the spotlight? Medium: liquid pencil, watercolor, acrylic, ink on paper, digital color. Larger detail here.

Meet The Cackling Bowl Cut Chimps

The easiest way to identify this curious species is by the identical bowl cut hairstyle each family member adorns itself with or by the wide-mouthed grimace they display when cackling. Despite the fact the female towers over the male, she submits to his control and has been observed taking on his hobbies, habits and interests. The male is easily agitated, excitable and aggressive toward anyone who dares to criticize his peculiar belief system. If your car breaks down on the highway, you had better hope a Cackling Bowl Cut Chimp is nearby because they're the only ones who can help. Medium: Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Suri: liquid pencil and watercolor on paper. Palm trees: digital sketch. Original sketch shown here.

Huge Rod Is What All Girls Dream About

Kipling West is a prolific artist who among other things, illustrates the spam she receives in her email box each week. Kipling says she's inspired by spam because she enjoys seeing the beauty and entertaining weirdness in something so intrusive and annoying. These two illustrations made me laugh and I wanted to share them with my readers. You can see more of her work on her blog Fresh Spam.

Heidi Montag a Feminist Hero?

New York Times critic Gina Bellafante called Heidi Montag a “feminist hero” because Heidi focuses more on her career and stands up to that bubble-headed dolt she’s dating. I can’t really comment on the feminist perspectives explored in “The Hills” because I only watched it once and all I came away with was that the girls say “like” a lot and their voices sounded like ducks quacking. Oh yeah, and I was bored senseless.

Looking for some feminist reaction, I stumbled onto Feministing.org and discovered that Bellafante wrote a 1998 essay for Time magazine declaring feminism dead and “devolved into the silly” with “popular culture [insisting] on offering images of grown single women as frazzled, self-absorbed girls.” Soooo, are frazzled, self-absorbed girls with fake body parts, fake jobs, and fake lives the new feminist icons? Yes!

Cryptic Message Regarding Human Evolution

Medium: Ink, acrylic on vintage paper.

Fashion Model or Praying Mantis?

I flipped through Vogue and noticed that many of the fashion models resembled impossible insect-like extraterrestrials. Spindly and emaciated, yet otherworldly beautiful, they appeared as though carefully chosen human DNA had been spliced with that of a praying mantis. Medium: Oil on canvas

Exciting New Product For Teenage Girls: Insta-Age

Middle-Aged Teen Magazine Beauty Product Review

Take one look around Young Hollywood and you’ll see that fresh-faced youthfulness is so last year. From Ali Lohan’s Long Island soccer mom look to Miley Cyrus‘ truck stop hooker makeup, all the hottest teens are hopping on the middle-aged bandwagon!

Of course, not everyone is lucky enough to have stage parents pushing them into premature crow’s feet — but now you, too, can achieve that adorable weathered look with the help of insta-age™.

“It really works,” reveals Middle-Aged Teen beauty editor, Candy. “My thirteen-year-old cousin used it for a week, and she looks like a real hag now. I swear, I even see gray hairs and yellowed teeth. Any time I want to look younger, I just stand next to her. It’s great!”

While on the insta-age™ regimen, our team found it’s also best to avoid water, leafy greens and role models who encourage you to act your age.

Medium: Photo composite. Written by Candy Kirby.

Paris Hilton Collection Turns Heads, Beaks During Fashion Week

PARIS HILTON COLLECTION: REVIEW
Monday, February 25, 2008

Fashion Week Correspondent: Candy Kirby

Paris may be renowned for its springtime, but it’s in the last weeks of February that fashion blossoms here, and what more appropriate way to kick off the celebration than with a show from a “designer” with the same name, Paris Hilton.

The debut of Hilton’s footwear collection, greatly anticipated by drag queens, basketball players and circus clowns, made a splash in the City of Lights — quite literally, as the models escaped at one point to bathe themselves in a fountain on the Place de la Concorde. In a move questioned by many industry insiders, Hilton employed a flock of lookalikes to model the shoes because, as she put it, “What could be hotter than me?”

After the show, Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour grumbled something about a “slow, painful death” for her assistant and the models’ “disgustingly chunky” legs, while the models were seen violently kicking off the shoes and screeching that they could have used them to cross the Seine.

Medium: photo/art collage. Written by Candy Kirby

Exclusive: First Look at Jennifer Lopez & Babies on Cover of People

Max and Emme are ready for their six-million-dollar close-up: We have your first look at Jennifer Lopez and her bundles of joy. Remove your shoes, put on a surgical mask, and go inside their home as the 38-year-old star and husband Marc Anthony, 39, talk about parenthood and break out their finest bling for an exclusive family photo album. Plus Lopez opens up about her sleepless nights waiting for the wet nurse to feed the babies, the benefits of using diamond chip-laden baby lotion and why babies named “Max” have become as common in Hollywood as former Disney stars in rehab.

Says Lopez of motherhood: “I couldn’t be more proud. These guys are the first good thing I’ve made since ‘Out of Sight.’”

Be sure to check out the entire article in the new issue of PEOPLE, which we’re rushing onto newsstands as soon as possible to recoup our exorbitant investment, as well as our loss on the Aguilera cover. (We knew we should have let OK! have it.) Medium: graphite on paper, digital color. Text written by Candy Kirby.

Simon Cowell Pitches For Viagra

American Idol judge and professional sourpuss Simon Cowell claims he turned down a $2 million offer to be the spokesman for Viagra, calling it a “f—ing insult” in the British edition of Glamour magazine. He sniffed:

“Last year my agent rang me and said, ‘You’ve been offered an incredibly big deal. It’s to be the face of Viagra. I just said, ‘Sorry, but that has to be a f—ing insult.’”

However, according to our sources, Simon had a change of heart when he thought about the “perks” of the position.  Medium: digital collage, text written by Candy Kirby.