When I spotted the "Scientology BOOT CAMP FOR KATIE!" headline on a recent copy of Star magazine, I knew I had to investigate. I called in favors from an underground cartel of international spies I associate with and demanded they secure a copy of the Scientology Boot Camp Handbook to share with my readers. While they were only able to scan four pages of the handbook before being ambushed by the SSSS (Secret Scientology Surveillance Squad), it's enough to give us a glimpse inside the secretive compound where Katie Holmes and countless others have been held. Below are the other scans in no particular order:
Star magazine claims Scientology Boot Camp consists of "grueling lie detector tests, 36-hour auditing sessions, and constant surveillance", but the magazine never mentioned the entertaining recreational activities participants enjoy during their stay. Despite the barbed wire fences and forced interrogation, Scientology boot camp can be barrels of fun. For more recreational activities, such as Wig-Making with John Travolta, take a look here.
Okay, now I'm jealous. Scientology Boot Camp victims participants get to fly in vintage DC-8 Interstellar Space Planes! Not only that, they'll sleep in a realistic-looking Mothership Dormitory. Hold me back, I'm this close to signing up!
Each handbook features a special introductory letter from Tom Cruise welcoming PCs to clear their engrams and avoid SP influence during RPF telepathic regeneration ORC assignments. Medium: Digital collage. Created in collaboration with Candy Kirby. Letter from Tom Cruise written by Candy.
Each time I glance at a photo of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, all I'm able to see is a blur of predictable colors (see below). Take for example all those ridiculousstagedphotos of them prancing about on the beach. Their hair dissolves into a floating rectangle of yellow-blonde. Exposed flesh translates into large amounts of peach and light orange, which dominates the image. If they're smiling, flashes of blinding white might appear. Depending on what color bikini Heidi is wearing, lurid infusions of hot pink or zebra print cuts through the monotony of the flesh and sand tones and reminds the viewer that they're almost naked, but not quite.
Mark Rothko (1903 - 1970) was a Russian born American artist best known for his large-scale paintings of cloud-like rectangular forms of color floating against a solid color background. I seriously doubt he'd find any interest in painting the vapidity and force-fed "entertainment" that Heidi and Spencer represent, but if he did choose to paint them, this is how I imagine the canvas would look. Medium: Oil on linen with a splash of digital paint.
Heidi and Spencer as they appear to me. Remarkably, you can still recognize them.
Wouldn't it be amusing to remove all the headlines from this Rolling Stone cover...except for the one on top?
I had a hard time painting 15-year old Miley Cyrus because when one stares at her for a long time, she looks like a chubby cheeked child one minute, and then seconds later, she appears as a hung-over, hard-bitten, 20-something party girl waking up in the bed of a stranger and in bad need of a shower. Do I paint her looking innocent, or do I pick up on the overt sexuality simmering through her come-hither gaze? I was never able to make a decision. I'm quite curious of your opinions about Miley's Vanity Fair photo shoot - is it kandy koated kiddie porn or simply an artistic portrayal of a young girl seeking the spotlight? Medium: liquid pencil, watercolor, acrylic, ink on paper, digital color. SOLD
The easiest way to identify this curious species is by the identical bowl cut hairstyle each family member adorns itself with or by the wide-mouthed grimace they display when cackling. Despite the fact the female towers over the male, she submits to his control and has been observed taking on his hobbies, habits and interests. The male is easily agitated, excitable and aggressive toward anyone who dares to criticize his peculiar belief system. If your car breaks down on the highway, you had better hope a Cackling Bowl Cut Chimp is nearby because they're the only ones who can help. Medium: Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Suri: liquid pencil and watercolor on paper. Palm trees: digital sketch. Original sketch shown here.
Kipling West is a prolific artist who among other things, illustrates the spam she receives in her email box each week. Kipling says she's inspired by spam because she enjoys seeing the beauty and entertaining weirdness in something so intrusive and annoying. These two illustrations made me laugh and I wanted to share them with my readers. You can see more of her work on her blog Fresh Spam.
I flipped through Vogue and noticed that many of the fashion models resembled impossible insect-like extraterrestrials. Spindly and emaciated, yet otherworldly beautiful, they appeared as though carefully chosen human DNA had been spliced with that of a praying mantis. Medium: Oil on canvas
Max and Emme are ready for their six-million-dollar close-up: We have your first look at Jennifer Lopez and her bundles of joy.
Remove your shoes, put on a surgical mask, and go inside their home as the 38-year-old star and husband Marc Anthony, 39, talk about parenthood and break out their finest bling for an exclusive family photo album. Plus Lopez opens up about her sleepless nights waiting for the wet nurse to feed the babies, the benefits of using diamond chip-laden baby lotion and why babies named “Max” have become as common in Hollywood as former Disney stars in rehab.
Says Lopez of motherhood: “I couldn’t be more proud. These guys are the first good thing I’ve made since ‘Out of Sight.’”
Be sure to check out the entire article in the new issue of PEOPLE, which we’re rushing onto newsstands as soon as possible to recoup our exorbitant investment, as well as our loss on the Aguilera cover. (We knew we should have let OK! have it.) Medium: graphite on paper, digital color. Text written by Candy Kirby.
Hurry, hurry, step right up and see the Tom Cruise, Scientologist, pictured in his natural environment on the distant planet Xorzax. Prepare to be amazed as the L. Ron Hubbard spaceship beams top-secret information from the Galactic Confederacy directly into Tom’s cerebral cortex and then marvel as Tom jumps around and cackles as he incoherently spews Hubbard’s thought rays out his mouth and into the collective consciousness of any Earthling that will listen.
Many Earthlings simply ignore or find fleeting entertainment in the wild gesticulations and deranged rants this tiny alien species displays, but make no mistake, this seemingly harmless little extraterrestrial packs a mean punch if you dare to tease, criticize or suggest psychiatric treatment to him. Best to view him from afar. Medium: oil on wood, photoshop.
Poor Paris Hilton, when will the unforgiving public start noticing her vast talent, her selfless contributions to society, her important brand status of “like, a businesswoman”….anything other than the fact she has huge hands, hypertrophied feet, a low dull hum of a personality, an oddly shaped behind (and we all know every unfortunate inch of her intimate parts thanks to the Internet) and her charming little wonk eye? She’s a brand, folks. Don’t you understand? She’s one of America’s most recognizable exports! We should be proud of our national treasure, our American princess, our box office Goliath. Medium: Gouache on paper.