Much thanks to the UK Sun for featuring a selection of my Celebrity Endorsements. I always enjoy British humour - "a Californian artist has 'ad' enough of celebrities and their bad behaviour". Thank you Mr. Biggs.
When I saw the promotional website for Christina Aguilera's new fragrance Inspire, I figured it was a Mad Magazine parody. Inspire?? The perfect cheesy name for a celebrity fragrance. I noticed the photoshopped imagery and silly concept of the perfume bottle enclosed inside ethereal bubbles of pink froth. Ha, good one. After reading the product description, I had a nice hearty chuckle over how Engrish-like it came across - The fragrance will remind you not to drift along with the crowd, but will inspire you to stand up for what you believe in and strive for your dreams. Duped again, it soon became clear that Inspire is the real deal. Frustrated, I made my own parody. Medium: Classy photo of Christina found on google, photoshop, digital paint.
Jenna Jameson has announced the launch of a branded line of nursery and baby accessories inspired by her days in the adult entertainment industry. The ex-porn superstar says, "After I learned of my pregnancy, I wanted to create a collection of baby gear I'd like to see in my own nursery. It's no secret that porn has gone mainstream these days, just take a look at that racy Gossip Girls show or the huge popularity of those slutty Bratz Dolls." The Jenna Jameson Baby Nursery Collection fills a gaping niche in a sizable swelling market. Medium: Photo composite, digital paint.
You and your baby will love Jenna's tasteful "twosies" from her baby apparel collection, "I'm a Porn Star, Baby." Made from 100% cozy nylon and polyester, each piece features an adorable lace top with plunging neckline and matching lace-up panties with attached thigh-high booties. Medium: ink on paper, digital color.
Jenna's favorite item from her collection is the Dual Action Feeding Bottle made with genuine lifelike silicone. "It's going to be a big hit in Los Angeles because the bottle is designed to more closely resemble the body type of the average Beverly Hills woman", says Jenna. "It's also a smart solution for all the twins being born these days. I've already sent a case to Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, and the countless other celebrities with twins." Medium: digital illustration.
Jenna's official commissioned portrait. Medium: Digital illustration. Idea for nursery collection came from a witty GOTA commenter. UPDATE: Gallery of the Absurd and It's Candy TV will collaborate occasionally on the newly launched Celebrity Crap Network (CCN), the leading interactive multi-channel peddler of useless merchandise endorsed by already-rich celebrities. We guarantee that all items sold on CCN are unoriginal and of shoddy construction -- and that the associated celebrities have little to nothing to do with the actual planning, design or creation of these items. First up, the Olsen Twins Jewelry Collection. The 1 thing you must do, see, or hear this week.
After posting the Shine of the Brangeloonie, a few GOTA readers requested a shrine for the Claymate species. I thought about what the average Claymate might appreciate and after careful study, concluded that most are likely to be collectors of the sort of trinkets seen advertised in the back of Ladies Home Journal. There's a good chance many of them own unicorn figurines, music boxes, frightening dolls, Disney trinkets, or something atrocious by Thomas Kinkade. I realize it's a gross generalization, but I'm sticking to my instincts after examining several Claymate fan sites. I believe I've created a dazzling Clay Aiken tribute they won't be able to resist: The Clay Aiken Singing Angel Music Box.most amazing Claymate site I've ever come across. They bring a plastic bunny named Ms. Bucky to the Claymate parties and feed it wine and make it watch Clay Aiken videos. Genius. Medium: Photo composite, digital paint, Clay's head courtesy of Wenn, this post directly inspired by this dlisted entry.
In response to John McCain's controversial celebrity ad, Barack Obama's campaign released this Heidi Montag endorsed poster today. Insiders claim Senator McCain thought his own campaign was responsible for the poster and after viewing it, proudly informed reporters his campaign is striving to attract younger voters by using "talented actresses" such as Montag. Campaign officials quickly ushered the stuttering McCain away from the microphones and explained that Obama's camp was responsible for the ad. Witnesses say McCain began pumping his fists as he burst into a fit of Hulk-like fury and berated his cowering employees for not coming up with the idea themselves. Medium: Graphite on paper, digital color. UPDATE: I find it amusing a pro McCain ad magically showed up on my blog next to the drawing of McCain looking like a half-dead angry chipmunk. Readers are emailing me to have it removed, but I take sick pleasure in it being there and even grabbed a screen shot of it. And no, I'm not a McCain supporter.
Something about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's habit of posing like cloying robotic clowns in staged photographs reminds me of those simplistic Dick and Jane books that were used to teach kids to read back in the 1950's. Riveting story lines involving the adventures of Dick and Jane typically went like this: See Dick run. Run, Dick, run. Run, run, run. Jane has a toy. It is a red toy. Heidi and Spencer are about as interesting and complex
as sawdust as those repetitive Dick and Jane stories, so why not use them in an updated version?
After reading blog comments under the announcement of the Jolie-Pitt Twins yesterday, I witnessed first hand the raving insanity of the frothing Brangeloonies. Similar to the Claymates in their blind devotion and ceaseless worship of famous people they don't even know, the Brangeloonies were out in full force yesterday practically declaring the birth of The Twins a national holiday and labeling anyone who dared to disagree as "haters" or "trolls". How very pre-school! A commenter might write something as innocent as "what's the big deal, so lots of babies were born that day" and within minutes a stomping crowd of torch bearing witch-hunters are at his throat. Another curious trait of the Brangeloonie is the nearly unanimous vitriol aimed at Jennifer Aniston. Brad and Jen divorced 3 years ago, but in the snarling eyes of the Brangeloonie, somehow she's still an unwilling player. I collected some of the goodies from various blogs to share with you. And no, I did not make any of these up - they're all 100% real:
"I only want to celebrate and sing her praises. I have been down on my knees all morning, where I know she would want me to be, blessing this holy family. god bless the jolie-pitts!"
"OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG—– My life now has meaning. You guys, today is totally my birthday…. and my mom’s name is Vivian! (I know darling Vivienne is spelled differently, but still)This is the first thing I’ve been able to share with the blessed Jolie-Pitts. I am over the moon."
"The trolls are really losing it, they are dying of envy. I won’t even give a second of my time reading or posting about a person I don’t like. That’s the power of Angelina, they can’t get away from her."
"This is such exciting news and the lovely posts are a pleasure to read from you JP fans. Makes it easy to bypass the unhappy jealous hateful people who cant help but show their ugliness at such a blessed time. Nothing can take away our joy today."
"I’m really getting tired of being hated on just because I want people to be happy. Babies are a gift from God, especially from people as wonderful as Brad and Angie. All you Aniston (yuck) lovers out there are just jealous that he’s happy and successful now. I think she needs to adopt an Indian baby next or something even more exotic to add to the beauty that is their family. Maybe one from Romania?"
"By the crazy reaction from the haters, we know Jen Aniston is miserable and in pain right now. hehehe. Brad got really emotional as he cut the ambilical cords, awww. I couldn’t even imagine how thrilled they both are."
"This should be a day of celebration, yet everyone is just so MEAN. Why can’t the twins and the rest of the Jolie-Pitts have at least ONE nice day without so many people trying to ruin it? She just had TWINS for crying out loud. Angelina is such a beautiful matyr; I wish I could be more like her. Sure, she’s kinda shunning America, but I still luv, luv, LUV her!!! Anyone else want to start a petition to wish them the best luck in the world?" The Brangeloonie Shrine is available exclusively at Babies R Us and Wal-Mart, but hurry, supplies are limited and rioting has already begun. Medium: photo composite.
Scientists aren't known for their style and fashion sense, so they'd be easy targets for the snippy quips of Star magazine's "Star Style Stalkers". Fashion designers would quickly seize the chance to start creating more fashionable lab coats and safety glasses and we'd see them featured as product placements in major motion pictures. Waiting lists would begin for the most sought after designer lab coats and prices would skyrocket once Chanel and Versace got into the game. Soon, Joan Rivers would show up on the red carpet to pick apart those heading to the Dirac Prize awards show and the E! Channel would run all day coverage.
Us Weekly's infamous Just Like Us feature would show us pictures of scientists living their lives in ordinary ways we can identify with. They really are just like us! TMZ cameramen would flee the popular celebrity hangouts in Hollywood and park themselves in front of research institutes across the world. Forget the lurid appeal of the Mini-Me sex tape, everyone's talking about Jane Goodall's chimp scandal.
Perez Hilton would likely make up goofy nicknames for leading scientists and then scrawl over their photographs. Of course Perez would also let you know about Perez's fabulous new haircut and Perez's hot new diet body and Perez's stylish clothing line at Hot Topic. Yay!