Gallery of the Absurd

Happy Holidays From the Vicodin Elf

Santa's bad little Vicodin Elf was pulled over and given a DUI after she was spotted driving the wrong way on a freeway. She admitted to smoking pot and taking vicodin before getting behind the wheel, but she only did it because she had menstrual cramps. I didn't know menstrual cramps gave starlets the carte blanche to climb into giant SUVs and barrel down the freeway going the opposite direction, but that's the hare-brained logic of celebrity culture for you. Nicole Richie's mug shot was a shocker. Before the photo was released, I imagined Nicole would have red-rimmed watery eyes, disheveled hair, smeared makeup and a woeful thousand yard stare. Instead, she looked like a tiny elf. Medium: graphite and acrylic on paper, narcotics added digitally.

Nicole Richie: Hollywood Wildlife

Nicole Richie is reportedly seeking treatment to find out "why she can't gain weight". While we're happy she's finally taking care of her health, we wonder if she'll still make headlines once she returns to a less shocking size. If she's not a walking skeleton in a baggy size 0 bikini, will she still appear on the glossy covers of tabloids? If she's at a healthy weight, will the paparazzi still stalk her for the elusive money shot of Nicole consuming food? Will fervent speculation and scandal continue with sordid tales of drug use, eating disorders and collapsing in night clubs? Oh well, whether Nicole is skinny or not, she'll always look like a pygmy marmoset. That's not such a bad thing. Medium: Ink and acrylic on paper. This illustration appeared in the Animal magazine feature "Celebimals". Concept and Latin name by dlisted's Michael K.

Clones of Bones: Terror on the Beach

This vintage-style pulp novel is modeled after those fantastic sci-fi paperbacks of the 50's and 60's.  In this twisted story of unleashed terror and spine-tingling horror, a mad scientist clones Nicole Richie in order to add to his macabre collection of human curiosities...but his experiment goes terribly wrong when the clones continue multiplying. Forming an unruly mob, they break out of the laboratory and begin to terrorize the beaches across the U.S.  Can these angry starving clones be stopped before it's too late? This Halloween parody created with ink and digital color.

Gallery of the Absurd has been posting several Halloween-themed paintings during the month of October.  Dracula, skeletons, space aliens, Donald Trump....all are fodder for chills and nightmares.  One of the scariest images we saw this year was the Star magazine cover photo of a skeletal Nicole Richie struggling to run down the beach.  Interestingly, she looks cute in many of the photos that were taken of her that day, but Star managed to find the most horrifying photo in the batch and in classic tabloid maneuver, featured it on the cover. We hope our subscription never runs out. Medium: Star magazine cover manipulated with a little Photoshop.

High School Textbooks of the Future?

Randomly scattered on the floor of my art studio was an anatomy book, a page torn from Star magazine showing a "pin-thin" Nicole Richie, and a newspaper article about the decline of the American public school system. At that moment, I had a nightmarish vision...
What if the obsession with celebrity continues to infiltrate our culture? Will it trickle into our schools? Will celebrities hire themselves out to appear in the pages of textbooks so that kids will be interested in study? Will corporate sponsorship and product placement appear in the pages of algebra, biology and history textbooks? If so, this is how I imagine a page from a high school Fundamental Anatomy 101 textbook would look like.
Medium: Pen and ink, digital color and text

If Egon Schiele Had Painted Nicole Richie

Austrian Expressionist painter Egon Schiele is best known for his haunting paintings of solitary figures.  His models often looked bored, uncomfortable, somewhat hollow-eyed and tended to be bony thin.  I think if he were around today, he would chose Nicole Richie as one of his subjects. Medium: Charcoal, pastel and acrylic on paper stained with chai tea.

Investigating Nicole's Jimmy Choo Ads

If you've browsed through the latest fashion magazines, then you've likely seen Nicole Richie's beautifully photographed Jimmy Choo ads.  We were curious how film director and photographer Brett Ratner was able to capture the overwrought drama displayed in the photos, so we asked our in-house photo analysis team to investigate. SCANDAL! They were able to uncover the original photograph before it was transformed with extensive airbrushing:

[PRE-AIRBRUSHED IMAGE. Click to enlarge]

The annoyed expression and exaggerated gesticulation displayed by Nicole and her companion is NOT caused by the excess of paparazzi flashbulbs, but by concerned citizens offering food. Wrongfully assuming that Nicole might be hungry as she made a late exit out of the nightclub, several bystanders gathered to offer her something to eat. "Nicole, have some of my hot fudge sundae!", "Nicole, I've roasted a whole turkey for you!", "Over here Nicole! Taste my famous carbonara!" Notice the man on the far right of the photo. He achieves his expression the moment Nicole clocks him after he offers her a slice of pizza.

Figure 1. Unknown Hollywood Fancy Boy recoils in horror after a plate of pasta is shoved in his face. Just as vampires must avoid sunlight, Hollywood types avoid refined carbohydrates.

Figure 2. Nicole Richie sneers in disgust and annoyance in the presence of food.

Figure 3. Bystander is punched in the face after innocently offering a slice of pizza.

Once all the common bystanders are erased during post production and replaced with far more glamorous images of tuxedoed paparazzi, the image is ready to be inserted into the magazines.  I don't know about you, but this ad makes me want to run out and purchase an expensive handbag the size of a house. Apologies to Brett Ratner and Jimmy Choo - this is a parody.

Gigantic Heads on Stick Bodies

Just about every week, you'll find tabloid headlines pointing out the latest star wasting away to bones. Photos document the skeleton du jour's hasty descent from healthy and robust to frail and thin.  The photos are shocking, not because the women are so thin....but because their heads are so HUGE compared to their stick-like bodies. Nicole Richie, Teri Hatcher, and Christina Ricci have collaberated to create a guilt-free snack that is causing a sensation in Hollywood.  These NO calorie, NO fat Hollypops are the perfect meal for the gal who just can't seem to get thin enough. Three mouthwatering flavors, Lettuce, Water, and Espresso are sure to satisfy your appetite and sooth your hunger pangs.
PS: Sorry I was gone for so long. I fell into a roiling pit of hedonism and then got dragged through the burning embers of catharsis. I'm back now!

UPDATE: Be sure and take a look at the wonderful DVA Gallery located in Chicago. They've posted an interview with me and I'll be showing my work in a solo show there in August 2006.

Skellywood Shrine

Worship ye at the Shrine of the Hollywood Beauty Standard.

Hollywood Skeleton Girls

Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie appear to have stopped eating....but that hasn't stopped them from stepping out to the clubs every night! Need a hot date for a night out in Hollywood? Just borrow a lifesize skeleton from a high school anatomy classroom and toss a blonde wig on it.