Gallery of the Absurd

Exclusive: First Look at Jennifer Lopez & Babies on Cover of People

Max and Emme are ready for their six-million-dollar close-up: We have your first look at Jennifer Lopez and her bundles of joy. Remove your shoes, put on a surgical mask, and go inside their home as the 38-year-old star and husband Marc Anthony, 39, talk about parenthood and break out their finest bling for an exclusive family photo album. Plus Lopez opens up about her sleepless nights waiting for the wet nurse to feed the babies, the benefits of using diamond chip-laden baby lotion and why babies named “Max” have become as common in Hollywood as former Disney stars in rehab.

Says Lopez of motherhood: “I couldn’t be more proud. These guys are the first good thing I’ve made since ‘Out of Sight.’”

Be sure to check out the entire article in the new issue of PEOPLE, which we’re rushing onto newsstands as soon as possible to recoup our exorbitant investment, as well as our loss on the Aguilera cover. (We knew we should have let OK! have it.) Medium: graphite on paper, digital color. Text written by Candy Kirby.

New Tabloid! Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly

A glossy new celebrity tabloid is scheduled to hit the stands this spring – because the world doesn’t have nearly enough of them – and the editors were kind enough to send a few preview issues for exclusive promotion on Gallery of the Absurd and Holy Candy.

Published by Circus Hour Media*, Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly explores the saturated world of celebrity substance abuse and other fun topics! The rag is projected to outsell both Star and US Weekly combined, just based on the amount of stories celebrities generate for the magazine each week. Regular features will include “Mug Shot Makeovers,” “Jailbirds: Just Like Us!,” “DUI Fashion Police” and “Who Snorted It Best?” as well as interviews with Jack Daniels fans such as Tara Reid, Vince Vaughn, Amy Winehouse and Mel Gibson. Best of all, Courtney Love has agreed to write a weekly unsolicited advice column called "Ask Courtney". This, I believe, is the best feature in the magazine (see below).

Keep an eye on newsstands because you won’t want to miss the premier issue of Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly featuring a bevy of blonde boozehounds, as you can see above. Celebrity substance abuse: it’s never been hotter!
*More exciting details to follow

Tara Reid photo by Pacific Post News via PageSix.com

Medium: photo composite, digital text, graphics created by 14 in collaboration with Holy Candy. Courtney's advice and post written by Candy Kirby. Much thanks to Holly.

Fabio and George Clooney to Appear on Romance Title

Fabio has a big problem with birds. First he was humiliated and bloodied after a flock of ducks collided with his face as he rode a roller coaster. A few years later, he was attacked by a flying bird again after his date tried to take a picture of George Clooney sitting at a nearby table. I was seduced by the idea of Fabio and Gorgeous George embracing on the cover of one those cheesy romance novels Fabio used to pose for and I was overcome with the burning desire to paint it. Breathlessly, I held my pen and allowed the tantalizing image to pulsate through my body and onto the paper. Swoon. Medium: ink on paper, digital color and collage.

Here's a page torn passionately out of Fabio and George's romance novel Birds of a Feather. Written by Candace Kirby, it will leave you begging for more. Want to see more cheesiness? Here's a clever and fitting new term for overly processed, artificial, producer heavy songs: The Kraft Single.

What If The Donald and The Dalai Lama Switched Books?

While walking the streets of San Francisco recently, I was assaulted by large posters advertising Donald Trump's new book "THINK BIG AND KICK ASS". Trump appears on the cover in his well-practiced You're Fired pose, his mouth agape while his little paw points menacingly at the viewer. I burst out laughing right there on the sidewalk and soon noticed a nearby store window filled with books written by The Dalai Lama. I began to wonder what might result if The Donald and Tibetan spiritual leader The Dalai Lama were to switch their philosophical approaches toward life.....

His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet has just released his newest book, Think Big and Kick Ass. Sure to become a number one best-seller, the spiritual leader will teach you how greed and revenge leads one down the true path of happiness.  You'll also learn:

• How not to take crap from people. Fight back, be brutal and win!
• Why you can't be too greedy.
• Material possessions and the relentless acquisition of wealth is the only way to happiness.
• How compassion toward fellow humans will only get in the way of your success.
• Rosie O'Donnell is stupid and her book will never sell as many copies of mine.

Donald Trump's inspiring new book, An Open Heart lovingly teaches the art of using compassion and kindness in everyday life and business. The Donald will explain how a self-centered attitude can be destructive not only towards society, but to the individual as well. You'll learn how accepting responsibility and maintaining respect, compassion and kindness toward others brings peace and happiness. You'll also learn:

• Why the prime purpose in life is to help others.
• How the roots of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation.
• Why love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries.
• How materialism and consumerism lead to suffering.
• Rosie O'Donnell is a human being whom I love and respect.

 

Medium: fake books are ink on paper with digital color, real books are images snagged off Amazon.

Carrot Top Lurks in Your Nightmares

I'm not quite sure what Carrot Top does other than terrify the wits out of people. He obviously lifts weights, wears heavy pancake and eye makeup, and seems to have willingly embraced the Evil Clown look for his personae. Good for him, I say. Because I have an appreciation for nonconformists, I'd like to see him push his creepy clown look even further. Perhaps he should consider starring as Pennywise, the sewer-lurking murderous clown from Stephen King's made-for-TV movie, IT. Medium: graphite and pastel on paper, digital color/text/photos. See original sketch here.

Gwyneth Paltrow's Beauty Secrets

Much buzz has been circulating regarding the new issue of W magazine. Gwyneth Paltrow appears on the cover, yet there's a slight problem: It doesn't look a thing like Gwyneth Paltrow! My first thought after seeing the image was "Wow, that snake venom beauty cream she's using has really done wonders for her looks." Then cold reality set in. It's all just photoshop, makeup and spackle contributing to her new "comeback" look. I've said it once and I'll say it again...I really wish W would offer me a job as Head Touch Up Artist/Magician in charge of their covers. Medium: Photo composite, digital paint.

John Travolta in Drag Makes For Scary Cinema

Travolta in drag

More terrifying than all

four Saw flicks combined.

Medium: oil pastel, acrylic, collage, charcol on paper, digital text. Haiku written by Viper Tetsu. More of his haiku can be seen at "In The Future, Everyone Will Be Haiku'ed For 15 Minutes.

Victoria "Posh" Beckham Invades Los Angeles

Victoria "Posh" Beckham has been staging a shameless media blitz so everyone will know without a doubt that she and David have officially arrived in Los Angeles. Instead of choosing a private jet and making a discreet arrival, they made their journey on a commercial jet and flew into LAX with hoards of photographers standing by. Victoria also starred in her own reality TV show, "Victoria Beckham: Coming to America", but critics were quick to savage it. The New York Post described Victoria's "vapid, condescending behavior" and called the show "an orgy of self-indulgence". Oh, and let's not forget the W cover. Victoria is often compared to a robot due to her inabilty to crack a smile and show emotion. Not only is she filthy rich, she sleeps next to David Beckham at night...if I were her, I'd be smiling all time. I've chosen to portray Ms. Beckham as Futura, the icy fembot from the 1927 silent film masterpiece Metropolis. I found the resemblance to be astounding. Medium: acrylic and gouache on board, quantum entanglement, digital color.

The Graceful Flight of Paula Abdul

Last week I was asked to participate in the Film Experience Blog's Action Heroine Blog-a-Thon. My entry is a week late, but better late than never. Since I'm a fan of Chinese martial arts films, I chose Ziyi Zhang as my action heroine, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon as my film and then substituted Paula Abdul as my star. The wuxia genre of Chinese cinema typically features beautifully choreographed fighting scenes in which the heroes fly through treetops and over roofs as if they possess magical powers. Bold color and stunning scenery add poetic spectacle to the heart-pounding action. When I read about Paula Abdul breaking her nose after tripping over her chihuahua, I imagined her flying magically through the sky while wearing one of her strange ruffled frocks. Luckily for Paula, she thought she was going on a slow motion magic carpet ride with the fairies and had no idea she had even hurt herself until hours later. Oh that crazy Paula..I just love her. Medium: Ink on paper, digital color.

Rocky Balboa in Twenty Years

Rocky Balboa is the neverending story of the underdog prize fighter who always manages to win. In the sixth installment of the series, the 60 year old Sylvester Stallone shows he's still got what it takes despite the fact he's often compared to looking like his mother or poked fun of in a newspaper headline calling him "...more stocky than Rocky". Rocky Balboa has received favorable reviews from the Hollywood Reporter and Variety, but it's going to be nothing compared to the future greatness of Rocky 7: Nursing Home Rumble. Slated for release on December 20, 2026, Stallone will once again prove that he can still throw a bloody punch. Watch with unabashed glee as the 80-year old Rocky pummels his geriatric neighbors Arnold Shwarzenegger and Steven Seagal. Medium: Acrylic and charcol on paper with wine spilled on it. Much thanks to clever Kipling for the brainstorm.

We predict Sylvester Stallone will continue to sport his current pointy black eyebrows and poorly-fitted jet black toupee well into his eighties. If he's not careful, he'll also destroy his charming hangdog expression with gallons of botox resulting in an epic battle between droopy and puffy. This could be the subject of Rocky 8: Gravity vs. Excessive Cosmetic Surgery.