Gallery of the Absurd

Jessica Simpson: The Preacher's Daughter Featured on Cosmo Cover

I said I'd post to GOTA from time to time while on hiatus, so here is my offering: Jessica Simpson's Dec. 2008 Cosmopolitan cover as viewed through patented Absurd-O-Vision technology. Passing the newsstand last week, my gaze could not help being assaulted by the lurid Comso cover. Like an aggressive streetwalker indiscreetly peddling her wares, the Cosmo cover simply refused to be ignored. Jessica Simpson's poorly photoshopped boobs are surrounded by day-glo colored words such as NAKED, SEX, SKANKY and ORGASM. A headline, Your Orgasm Face, What He's Thinking When He Sees It includes a cartoonish Mr. Bill O-face graphic - just to drive the point home further. Visually overwhelmed and wavering between amusement and revulsion, I came home and painted the image seared into my mind. Below is the original cover, but there's really not much difference between the two. Medium: Watercolor and acrylic on paper, digital color.

Fun With Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt

Something about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's habit of posing like cloying robotic clowns in staged photographs reminds me of those simplistic Dick and Jane books that were used to teach kids to read back in the 1950's. Riveting story lines involving the adventures of Dick and Jane typically went like this: See Dick run. Run, Dick, run. Run, run, run. Jane has a toy. It is a red toy. Heidi and Spencer are about as interesting and complex as sawdust as those repetitive Dick and Jane stories, so why not use them in an updated version?

There could be several volumes, maybe even one devoted exclusively to holidays: Christmas, Easter, Valentines Day, Independence Day, Mother's Day, Halloween, National Gun Day, you name it. Kids would love it! Since Heidi claims to be such a devoted Bible thumper, perhaps they could even create a Christian version of the story to go along with the Christian album she wants to record. So much fun with Heidi and Spencer! Medium: Usage of paparazzi pictures kindly given by PacificCoastNews.com

If Scientists Were Tabloid Fodder

I've always wondered what our culture would be like if we obsessed about the private lives and accomplishments of scientists, researchers and great thinkers the same way we obsess over celebrities. Would we follow closely the scandals of scientific study the same way we follow the scandals of Britney or Madonna? Would certain appealing scientists be given their own reality shows? Perhaps Scientific America would become an easy-to-read weekly and Maxim would include a bevy of young female astronomers and genetic researchers in their annual Maxim Hot 100 List.

Scientists aren't known for their style and fashion sense, so they'd be easy targets for the snippy quips of Star magazine's "Star Style Stalkers". Fashion designers would quickly seize the chance to start creating more fashionable lab coats and safety glasses and we'd see them featured as product placements in major motion pictures. Waiting lists would begin for the most sought after designer lab coats and prices would skyrocket once Chanel and Versace got into the game. Soon, Joan Rivers would show up on the red carpet to pick apart those heading to the Dirac Prize awards show and the E! Channel would run all day coverage.

Us Weekly's infamous Just Like Us feature would show us pictures of scientists living their lives in ordinary ways we can identify with. They really are just like us!

TMZ cameramen would flee the popular celebrity hangouts in Hollywood and park themselves in front of research institutes across the world. Forget the lurid appeal of the Mini-Me sex tape, everyone's talking about Jane Goodall's chimp scandal.

Perez Hilton would likely make up goofy nicknames for leading scientists and then scrawl over their photographs. Of course Perez would also let you know about Perez's fabulous new haircut and Perez's hot new diet body and Perez's stylish clothing line at Hot Topic. Yay!

Popular US Tabloid Makes Debut in The UK

Celebrities, drugs and booze is a winning combination. When the glossy new tabloid Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol launched a few months ago, newsstands couldn't keep them in stock and subscription rates went through the roof. The success of Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol is no-brainer because there's never an end to the gushing wellspring of material. The magazine is such a huge success that a UK version has been launched for our friends across the pond. Get the latest dish on Kimberly Stewart's lusty groping of boozy Jude Law's knickers. What caused a full-scale health panic across London? Learn how Lily Allen spends quality time with her dad, and find out what gave Kelly Osbourne such unsteady trotters ...all in sensational vivid detail!

The UK version of Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol includes a delightful British humor-infused advice column written by Pete Doherty's cat. As you might remember, Pete was photographed giving his cat a few puffs off his filthy crack pipe. Thankfully the troubled feline has recovered and turned his life around. He now works as a lifestyle guru and devotes himself to helping other troubled citizens. Medium: Photoshop composite. Done in collaboration with Candy Kirby. Dear Dinger column written by Candy Kirby.<

Exclusive: First Look at Jennifer Lopez & Babies on Cover of People

Max and Emme are ready for their six-million-dollar close-up: We have your first look at Jennifer Lopez and her bundles of joy. Remove your shoes, put on a surgical mask, and go inside their home as the 38-year-old star and husband Marc Anthony, 39, talk about parenthood and break out their finest bling for an exclusive family photo album. Plus Lopez opens up about her sleepless nights waiting for the wet nurse to feed the babies, the benefits of using diamond chip-laden baby lotion and why babies named “Max” have become as common in Hollywood as former Disney stars in rehab.

Says Lopez of motherhood: “I couldn’t be more proud. These guys are the first good thing I’ve made since ‘Out of Sight.’”

Be sure to check out the entire article in the new issue of PEOPLE, which we’re rushing onto newsstands as soon as possible to recoup our exorbitant investment, as well as our loss on the Aguilera cover. (We knew we should have let OK! have it.) Medium: graphite on paper, digital color. Text written by Candy Kirby.

Second Issue of Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly

Great news: According to initial sales reports, the first issue of Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly flew off of newsstands! With such a strong response and wealth of material, they have already pulled together a second issue of the glossy tabloid — and publishers were kind enough to share a sneak peek at its cover before it hits the stands. As you may remember, Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly explores the saturated world of celebrity substance abuse and other fun topics. Regular features include “Mug Shot Makeovers,” “Jailbirds: Just Like Us!,” “DUI Fashion Police” and “Who Snorted It Best?” as well as interviews with Jack Daniels fans such as Tara Reid, Vince Vaughn, Amy Winehouse and Mel Gibson. Medium: Photoshop composite, created in collaboration with Candy Kirby. Post written by Candy Kirby.

New Tabloid! Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly

A glossy new celebrity tabloid is scheduled to hit the stands this spring – because the world doesn’t have nearly enough of them – and the editors were kind enough to send a few preview issues for exclusive promotion on Gallery of the Absurd and Candy Kirby.
Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly explores the saturated world of celebrity substance abuse and other fun topics! The rag is projected to outsell both Star and US Weekly combined, just based on the amount of stories celebrities generate for the magazine each week. Regular features will include “Mug Shot Makeovers,” “Jailbirds: Just Like Us!,” “DUI Fashion Police” and “Who Snorted It Best?” as well as interviews with Jack Daniels fans such as Tara Reid, Vince Vaughn, Amy Winehouse and Mel Gibson. Best of all, Courtney Love has agreed to write a weekly unsolicited advice column called "Ask Courtney". This, I believe, is the best feature in the magazine (see below).

Keep an eye on newsstands because you won’t want to miss the premier issue of Celebrity Drugs & Alcohol Weekly featuring a bevy of blonde boozehounds, as you can see above. Celebrity substance abuse: it’s never been hotter!

Tara Reid photo by Pacific Post News via PageSix.com

Medium: photo composite, digital text, graphics created by 14 in collaboration with Holy Candy. Courtney's advice and post written by Candy Kirby. Much thanks to Holly.

Fabio and George Clooney to Appear on Romance Title

Fabio has a big problem with birds. First he was humiliated and bloodied after a flock of ducks collided with his face as he rode a roller coaster. A few years later, he was attacked by a flying bird again after his date tried to take a picture of George Clooney sitting at a nearby table. I was seduced by the idea of Fabio and Gorgeous George embracing on the cover of one those cheesy romance novels Fabio used to pose for and I was overcome with the burning desire to paint it. Breathlessly, I held my pen and allowed the tantalizing image to pulsate through my body and onto the paper. Swoon. Medium: ink on paper, digital color and collage.

Here's a page torn passionately out of Fabio and George's romance novel Birds of a Feather. Written by Candace Kirby, it will leave you begging for more. Want to see more cheesiness? Here's a clever and fitting new term for overly processed, artificial, producer heavy songs: The Kraft Single.

What If The Donald and The Dalai Lama Switched Books?

While walking the streets of San Francisco recently, I was assaulted by large posters advertising Donald Trump's new book "THINK BIG AND KICK ASS". Trump appears on the cover in his well-practiced You're Fired pose, his mouth agape while his little paw points menacingly at the viewer. I burst out laughing right there on the sidewalk and soon noticed a nearby store window filled with books written by The Dalai Lama. I began to wonder what might result if The Donald and Tibetan spiritual leader The Dalai Lama were to switch their philosophical approaches toward life.....

His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet has just released his newest book, Think Big and Kick Ass. Sure to become a number one best-seller, the spiritual leader will teach you how greed and revenge leads one down the true path of happiness.  You'll also learn:

• How not to take crap from people. Fight back, be brutal and win!
• Why you can't be too greedy.
• Material possessions and the relentless acquisition of wealth is the only way to happiness.
• How compassion toward fellow humans will only get in the way of your success.
• Rosie O'Donnell is stupid and her book will never sell as many copies of mine.

Donald Trump's inspiring new book, An Open Heart lovingly teaches the art of using compassion and kindness in everyday life and business. The Donald will explain how a self-centered attitude can be destructive not only towards society, but to the individual as well. You'll learn how accepting responsibility and maintaining respect, compassion and kindness toward others brings peace and happiness. You'll also learn:

• Why the prime purpose in life is to help others.
• How the roots of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation.
• Why love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries.
• How materialism and consumerism lead to suffering.
• Rosie O'Donnell is a human being whom I love and respect.

 

Medium: fake books are ink on paper with digital color, real books are images snagged off Amazon.

Carrot Top Lurks in Your Nightmares

I'm not quite sure what Carrot Top does other than terrify the wits out of people. He obviously lifts weights, wears heavy pancake and eye makeup, and seems to have willingly embraced the Evil Clown look for his personae. Good for him, I say. Because I have an appreciation for nonconformists, I'd like to see him push his creepy clown look even further. Perhaps he should consider starring as Pennywise, the sewer-lurking murderous clown from Stephen King's made-for-TV movie, IT. Medium: graphite and pastel on paper, digital color/text/photos. See original sketch here.