Gallery of the Absurd

Kooky Hollywood Moms: Dina Lohan

Today's post written by one of my favorite bloggers, Candy from Holy Candy. Dina Lohan, mom-ager extraordinaire, is many things: an enabler; cleavage advocate; fame-seeker; imaginary Rockette; and, of course, white people’s answer to Oprah. But don’t you dare call her Lindsay’s mother. Dina tells Harper’s Bazaar she's more like a sister to Lindsay – hitting the clubs with her and wearing her hand-me-downs – and sometimes introduces herself as her daughter's personal assistant. She even once lied about her identity to none other than George Clooney. "I don't want them to know I'm her mom," she said. "It's a whole 'nother demographic. People just go dark."

Don’t worry, Dina! It’s our little secret.

No word on whether George took the cougar bait; however, Dina continues to take Hollywood by storm. The 44-year-old (ssshhh!) hasn’t let her daughter’s li’l DUI debacle or any semblance of maternal instincts diminish her love for the spotlight. Nope, the intermittently present mother figure has courageously forged ahead, using her daughter’s time in rehab to score tabloid interviews and some young tail. You go, girl!

In her quest for the “Mother…,” er… I mean “Big Sister of the Year” award, Dina has even found a way to make use of future meal tickets/VIP pass providers/rehab guests, Ali and Cody, a.k.a. Lindsay’s youngest siblings. (Did you really think “A Lohan Holiday” would be sufficient, Ali? I DON’T THINK SO. Momma needs a fame fix!) Yes, Dina has pitched a show to E!, a network with a known soft spot for drug-addled train wrecks.

“The cameras will follow me as I make myself, er… make my kids famous,” Dina suggested. Or something to that effect. The suits were no doubt intrigued. With any luck, the network executives likely thought, Lindsay’s two younger siblings will also self-destruct before the cameras while under the tender tutelage of their Mom-Ager. Ratings gold!

To those who question her tireless, offspring-driven search of a red carpet, Dina gives the one-finger salute. "I'm living the American dream, and [those who don’t like it] can go..." Dina told Harper’s Bazaar (before leaning back to bask in the reflected glow of her daughter’s sullied star). Mother of the Year, indeed. Medium: graphite, ink on paper, digital color. Thanks Candy.

Here's Dina Lohan's newest wallet photo.

Kooky Hollywood Moms: Lynne Spears

Britney Spears isn't happy about her mother Lynne "forcing" her into rehab. Britney claims she never had a drug or alcohol problem and that the real reason behind her public meltdown was post-partum depression. Recently blaming the umbrella-beaten paparazzi for invading her privacy, Britney quickly turned friendly when she realized she could use them as allies in her temper tantrum war against her mother. Cold-hearted Brit made sure plenty of photographers were present when she drove up to her mother's location, stormed out of her car, and delivered a hand-written note threatening Lynne if she ever tried to see her grandchildren. Britney has also considered filing a restraining order against her mom and also cutting mommy out of her will. Ouch. Grief-stricken Lynne is doing everything to lure Brit back into her good graces. Here we see Lynne as she stands outside the gates of Britney's McMansion, sobbing and trembling as she holds up a Cheetos peace offering. If she stands out there long enough, Britney won't be able to resist the temptation and there'll be a tearful reunion. Later, Brit will post a public letter on her website claiming her anger toward her mother was all just preparation for a movie "roll". Medium: graphite on paper, digital color.

Kooky Hollywood Moms: Kathy Hilton

I've often wondered what the phone conversations would be like between Kathy and Paris Hilton. I imagine Paris calls her mother each time she's publicly shamed after one of her many scandals. "Mommy, mommy, why are they so mean to me? Why mommy, whyyyyyyyyyy?" Kathy rolls up her silken sleeves and spends hours reassuring Paris of her superiority over others. Kathy Hilton is the enabling mama bear who never wants her precious Paris to experience the sting of being responsible for her own misguided actions. Kathy's anger was evident when she told Fox News that her poor little Paris has nothing to do but stare at the ceiling while sitting in jail. What a travesty! According to a Hilton biography, she's also proud of Paris's sex tape. As they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Medium: Acrylic, ink, oil pastel, and secret elf technology on board.

Kooky Hollywood Moms: Candy Spelling

Welcome to the first in my series of Kooky Hollywood Moms. I figured it was high time to address some of the Hollywood mothers who share the limelight with their reckless spawn.  Candy Spelling has taken up the cause of writing open letters to Hollywood's wayward youth and then sending them over to TMZ for worldwide publication. Since most hard-partying starlets seem to lack motherly attention, she has stepped up to the plate and declared herself the uber-mom of Hollywood.  She accused Britney Spears of being "famous for hideous, irresponsible actions", informed Paris Hilton that she's not as entitled as her money implies, and called Joe Francis a "poster boy for what happens when boys go wild". Joe Francis didn't take Candy's advice lightly - he wrote back, speculating the she was a lonely old woman living in a mansion full of 300 cats jumping around in their own feces.  Ouch!  No, this isn't the latest NBC sitcom, it's real life drama in Hollywood. Few writers could dream up characters and storylines as zany as what occurs daily in the Hollywood Circus Sideshow.  I can't wait to see who kooky Candy writes about next!  Medium: graphite on paper, digital color.

Why let Candy Spelling have all the fun?  Now you can experience all the fame and fun of writing open letters with this handy mad-libs style Candy Spelling stationary. Simply fill in the name of your desired celebrity target and go nuts. When finished, post your letter to the internet and gain insta-fame!

Vote for the Underdog! Gallery of the Absurd has been nominated for the  Washington Post Celebritology  2007 Lizzie Award for "Best Celebrity Obsessed Blog".  I'm up against some of the titans of celebrity gossip blogs. Whether Gallery of the Absurd wins or not, it's nice to be included among some of my favorite blogs. Vote here.