Gallery of the Absurd

Celebrity Family Photo Christmas Cards: The Simpsons

I always look forward to the steady stream of photo Christmas cards landing in my mailbox this time of year. It's nice to see how the kids have grown, and everyone is wearing their holiday best while gathered 'round the warm glow of the Christmas tree. Even more exciting is the enclosed form letter detailing the year's triumphs and tragedies: Cousin Stevie graduated high school with honors, Uncle Gene had hernia surgery, and crazy old Aunt Margaret sunk all her savings into an emu farm. Imagine my surprise when this afternoon, I received this festive photo Christmas card from "Creepy" Joe Simpson and family! Of course, the first thing I did was scan it so I could post it and share with my readers.

This was the enclosed form letter accompanying the Christmas card, but I tore it up without thinking and only have these last little scraps to show you. No worries, the entire 2007 Simpson family update can be read in full here. Medium: digital composite. Idea was collaborated upon while enjoying a deceptive bottle of premium sake with Candy at a boisterous sushi bar. Text written by Candy Kirby.

Jessica Simpson By Popular Request

I was amazed at the amount of email I received regarding the painting of Jessica Simpson shown below. Many people accused me of being "too nice" to her and advised me to push it further. Because the work on Gallery of the Absurd is inspired by social commentary, I agreed to repaint her in a more appropriate manner. Medium: ink, gouache on paper, digital color and text. NSFW uncensored version of the doll is here.

Jessica Simpson's Public Humiliation

A recent issue of Star Magazine humiliated Jessica Simpson with a contemporary version of a public hanging. They ran a cover photo of her along with the accompanying headline, It's Not A Fat Suit! Inside the mag, they included a full-page version of the photo with the screaming headline, Hips Don't Lie! The photo was taken at an unflattering angle, and while Jessica didn't really look fat (at least to me) she did look ridiculous. She's up on stage, her mouth is gaping wide open, voluptous double-D cups bust out of her jacket and she's holding a very phallic-looking microphone in her hand. I didn't notice any fat, but it did cross my mind that she looks a lot like a blow-up doll. The photo had a very pornographic look to it and I felt compelled to capture it. Now that I've painted and posted the image, I realize I too am participating in her public hanging. Oh, the humanity. Medium: acrylic on board, digital text.

These Boots Were Made For Hopping

The Jessica Simpson Dingbat Frog can be found hopping around Hollywood in search of a suitable mate. It can be identified by its large chest spilling out of low cut tops and also by its habit of wearing silly boots. The disturbing croak of the Dingbat Frog has been recorded on CD and is available for purchase. A distinguishing characteristic of the Dingbat Frog is its enormous rubbery mouth which is often kept agape. This allows the frog to feed on cash flies buzzing around lucrative endorsement deals such as Proactive Acne Solution, Pizza Hut Cheesy Bites, clip-on hair, accessories and cosmetics. This concludes the series of "Celebimals" commissioned by Animal magazine. Medium: Ink and acrylic on paper, Latin phrase by Michael K.

It occured to me that I could create a comic strip based simply on Jessica Simpson's expressive mouth.

I would never ever run out of material.

Okay, I'll stop now. (Images from strip #3 are from Getty.)

A Shocking Night at the Grocery Store

I was standing in the checkout line at the grocery store watching the man in front of me pull his wallet from out of his pants (not his pocket, his PANTS) and then I started giggling because the cashier didn't want to touch his money and she started lecturing him about how it's unsanitary to keep money near one's "personal area" and he kept saying "I am shocked, absolutely SHOCKED you are talking to me like this!!" and she screams "I NOT touch you money!!!!" I had to look away, so as to not burst out laughing...so I turn my attention to the tabloid rack and am SHOCKED to see an angry Jessica Simpson snarling at me from the cover of OK! Magazine with the headline, "Jessica Gets Her Revenge!!!" I'm used to seeing Jessica looking like a goofy cotton candy airhead, mouth open wide, clueless deer in the headlight eyes, skin a cheery shade of orange...but this photo hints she might be changing her image from Fluffy Blonde Boob Bimbo to Scorned Bad Girl on a Mission for Revenge. oooooh, I hope so!!! Medium: Ink and watercolor on paper.

Now YOU Can Have Giant Lips Just Like Jessica!

After noticing photos of Jessica Simpson's giant red lips making the rounds on the gossip blogs, I decided to go into my art studio/laboratory and create a new product for mass distribution. Now anyone can sport the popular trout pout look without painful and expensive collagen injections or implants! Jessica Simpson Swollen Red Lips are so easy to use. Simply open the package and stick our adhesive lips over your own and in no time flat, you've got the hottest look in Hollywood!

 
Here is a Gallery of the Absurd agent wearing Jessica Simpson Swollen Red Lips at the office. Anyone can see how realistic and sexy they are!  Order your lips today.

The Ghosts of Christmas Past

Around this time last year, we were bombarded by images of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson cuddling up to each other in a plastic oversized sleigh. Nick wore a very lame Santa "beard" and Jessica was dressed as a ditzy snow bunny.  The show was heavily promoted - billboards, magazines, web, television...one could not get away from the creepily annoying and intrusive images.  Oh, and the show itself....insufferable!

I know all of you are disapointed there won't be another Nick and Jessica's Family Christmas ever again.  It was destined to become a beloved American classic television event and was sure to be enjoyed by generations of loyal followers. For this reason, we have dragged the image back out for you to enjoy during the holiday season.

Oh, and Blogosphere Insta-Celeb, Jeff Polage (see below) and I will be posting new mockeries of celebrity mugs very soon.

Nick Lachey's Worst Nightmare

   
Since his divorce from Jessica Simpson was announced, Nick Lachey has trouble sleeping. He's plagued with a terrifying recurrent nightmare involving his overbearing ex-father-in-law, Papa Joe Simpson. The nightmare goes as follows:

Papa Joe has planned a brand new episode of "Nick and Jessica's Family Christmas". He flies into Nick's room, hovers over his bed, and holds yet another ridiculous and embarrassing sweater for Nick to wear on the show.  "Nick, you will wear this sweater in the opening monologue. The audience will love it! Look, it's got Christmas lights wired into it...and charming little Mr. and Mrs. Claus teddy bears!!  You WILL wear it Nick...you have no choice in the matter...PUT IT ON NOW!!!"  At this point, Nick tosses and turns, screams out in horror and wakes up in a cold sweat. It takes him a few moments to realize it was all just a dream.

Hollywood Aliens: Jessica Simpson

This is first in a series of my Hollywood Aliens Trading Cards. The alien shown above is an evil Dingbaticus from Planet Vapid. They're sent to Earth to trick unsuspecting humans into thinking the Dingbaticus is talented and entertaining, but their real mission is to control the U.S. news media by diverting attention from facts and issues impacting our country and planet and focusing it back onto  superficial drivel.  Be warned, too much exposure to this nefarious beast will eventually cause the brain to atrophy. If you find yourself doing things like watching Britney Spear's "Chaotic" reality show, or if you find Tom Cruise to be the least bit compelling, seek help immediately...you may have been infected by the woeful Dingbaticus.


Here is further proof of the extraterrestrial origin of Jessica Simpson.  Sometimes, if the paparazzi capture the right lighting and camera angle, the true nature of the insidious Dingbaticus is exposed. Run for your life.