Gallery of the Absurd

It's Hard To Tell The Difference Between Heidi Montag and Jeff Polage

I've saved the most delightfully depraved photos for last. Jeff Polage shamelessly pranced and skipped around the swanky hotel pool while wearing a pink bikini with dark socks as puzzled CAA agents stopped their important pool-side meetings in mid-sentence to gape in bewilderment at the jarring sight.

Jeff easily adopts her lanky, awkward and hurky jerky gesticulations as I shout, "I need you to open your mouth more!"

That Heidi Montag, always sticking her ass up in the air. More photos here.

Scandal Erupts After Actor Poses Topless On Cover of Glossy Magazine

Jeff Polage has issued an apology to his fans for his racy photos in Insanity Fair magazine. "I was like, forced by Annie Leibovitz to pose this skanky way and now I am like, so embarrassed. She like, assured me that my back hair wouldn't show up in the photo, but you can totally see it," said the unemployed actor. "My career is over thanks to Annie and her manipulative web of lies and deceit!"

Jeff Polage Squats Like Rose McGowan

When I saw the photo of Rose McGowan squatting on the sidewalk to pick up her goofy-looking dog, I felt a kinship. I've been there. Like Rose, I have a bug-eyed boston terrier...and like Rose, I've often found myself in regrettable positions while walking my dog on the city sidewalks. All I can say is thank goodness the paparazzi doesn't follow me around. I asked Jeff Polage to throw on a wig and stuff his feet into a pair of pink high heels while picking up my dog, Abigail. Poor Jeff couldn't quite squat as impressively as the lovely Rose was photographed doing, but then he's not used to wearing high heels either.

Jeff Polage Takes On Carrot Top

You asked for it. I've been in Los Angeles all week with my camera, my laptop and my actor pal Jeff Polage. He's getting more work these days and even made an appearance in Iron Man. Sure, he only appears on screen for two seconds, but it's clear he's giving Robert Downey Jr. a run for his money.

In order to achieve the full Carrot Top effect as shown above, we used a ratty old wig, cheap eyeliner and scotch tape to pull Jeff's eyebrows skyward.

We've got another photo shoot scheduled today and our props include a blonde wig, a hot pink bikini, and a couple of cantaloupes. Can you guess who our victim might be?

Jeff Polage Visits The Beach

Jeff Polage and I have collaborated once again. We couldn't make it over to Malibu for beach shots, so we settled for a hotel poolside. Jeff stood shamelessly in his underwear, fumbling and scratching his head cartoon-like as he tried to figure out how to put on the bra. Wannabe starlets teetered about in lucite stripper shoes and tiny bikinis as overly groomed CAA agents conducted power meetings over pina coladas. It was the perfect Hollywood day. Here is a hairy version of Nichole Richie stiffly running down the beach with a puckered grimace.

Wow. This one was a tough shot. I couldn't hold the camera steady because I couldn't stop collapsing into laughter. Jeff has a unique ability to transform his stomach into an enormous pot belly and he kept making funny faces and burping loudly. Simple minds are easily amused, I suppose. Jeff had a good time lampooning Brandon "Greasy Bear" Davis.

Here's an outake photo of Jeff. I'm so glad he's my friend. (Jeff Polage: Actor, Grip, Craft Services 14: Photographer, Art Director, Hair and Makeup, Editor)

It's Paris Hilton Celebration Week!

Much thanks to half the planet's population for emailing me to do a Paris Hilton in Jail posting. I'm working on one, but it's not quite ready yet. To celebrate Paris Hilton's jail sentence, I'm going sailing out on the beautiful San Francisco Bay today. Champange will be a'flowing and laughter-filled gloating will fill the air. Meanwhile, here's another delightful Jeff Polage Celebrity Pantomime. This time, Jeff has created a stunning likeness of Paris Hilton's crotch. We tried to find a raw chicken that looked more rotten, but the grocery clerk said they only carried fresh chickens. We did this photo shoot in a pool side cabana located at a Beverly Hills hotel and all the tony hotel guests gave us dirty looks as hirsute Jeff walked past everyone carrying a raw chicken and wearing nothing but a towel. It was a good day.

Back By Popular Demand: Jeff Polage, Unemployed Actor

Jessica Simpson and her gigantic gaping cavern of a mouth.

Danny Devito while on The View after a wild night of boozing with George Clooney.

Jeff Polage and I have once again locked ourselves in a room with a stack of Star magazines and a camera. I'm happy to report that Jeff is no longer unemployed! He now works as a background actor on several television shows, including Las Vegas on NBC. Keep an eye out for him. I painted this portrait of Jeff in exchange for his enthusiastic willingness to put wet spaghetti on his head all for the sake of art. Medium: pastel on paper.

A Chimpanzee Hall of Mirrors

Yes it's true, whenever I get too busy to produce new art for this blog, I drag out my trusty old Jeff Polage photos. Quite frankly, I can't tell which is the chimp and which is Andy Dick...or which is Mr. Polage for that matter.  New art coming soon, but in the meantime, do check out this crazy gossip I found in the UK tabloids. Those Brits really know how to dish the dirt:

• More evidence Angelina Jolie is directly contributing to Brad Pitt's chewed up appearance.
• Christina Aguilera and her giant red lips ogle sexy undies while her hubby sits there and tries to act like he's not paying any attention to the gorgeous scantily clad women who are slinking past him.
• As if Paris Hilton isn't enough of a cartoon character already, now she and sister Nikki are planning on creating a Simpsons-style autobiographical cartoon of their lives. I wonder if they'll be contacting me to create the characters? Doubt it.
• Donald Trump and his hair are not big fans of Kevin Federline.
• UK reporter uses Larry Wachowski as unfortunate poster child demonstrating how "Hollywood is renowned as the world capital of excessive, freakish behaviour". If you ask me, this reporter could have found dozens, no, hundreds of far better examples to illustrate his point.

More Jeff Polage Nonsense/Genius

Pete Doherty...Kiss Me Baby, I'm a Rock Star.


Mouth Opens Wide Enough for Brain to Fall Out: Jessica Simpson

Back By Popular Demand:Jeff Polage

Okay, okay, you can stop sending me requests for more Jeff....here he is!  We've got all sorts of Jeff Polage images for you this week, so check back daily. All celeb images scanned out of the always entertaining Star magazine.

Madonna Looking Like a Sour Rabbit

George Clooney Rolling His Eyes After Yet Another Girlfriend Asks Why He Won't Marry Her