Gallery of the Absurd

If Rothko Had Painted Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt

Each time I glance at a photo of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, all I'm able to see is a blur of predictable colors (see below). Take for example all those ridiculous staged photos of them prancing about on the beach. Their hair dissolves into a floating rectangle of yellow-blonde. Exposed flesh translates into large amounts of peach and light orange, which dominates the image. If they're smiling, flashes of blinding white might appear. Depending on what color bikini Heidi is wearing, lurid infusions of hot pink or zebra print cuts through the monotony of the flesh and sand tones and reminds the viewer that they're almost naked, but not quite.

Mark Rothko (1903 - 1970) was a Russian born American artist best known for his large-scale paintings of cloud-like rectangular forms of color floating against a solid color background. I seriously doubt he'd find any interest in painting the vapidity and force-fed "entertainment" that Heidi and Spencer represent, but if he did choose to paint them, this is how I imagine the canvas would look. Medium: Oil on linen with a splash of digital paint.

Heidi and Spencer as they appear to me. Remarkably, you can still recognize them.

Wouldn't it be amusing to remove all the headlines from this Rolling Stone cover...except for the one on top?

If Francis Bacon Had Painted CoCo

Francis Bacon's (1909-1992) figurative paintings were among the most original, controversial and deliberately disturbing of the 20th century. That's why I'm so fond of his work. His human figures were often greatly distorted, with body parts swirling into swollen fleshy spheres or melding into strange new forms. How astounded would Bacon be if he were to see Coco, Ice-T's exaggeratedly curvy blonde wife, walking past him on the street. Had he been drinking a bit too much of his beloved champange, he might have thought she was a distorted figure who had just stepped out of one of his paintings. Medium: pastel and gouache on board. Much thanks to Basho for reminding me. Happy Birthday Gilmore.

If Andy Warhol Had Painted Linds, Brit and Paris

American artist and filmmaker Andy Warhol's enthrallment with celebrities inspired him to create a series of mass-produced silk screen portraits which aside from the soup can, would later become his most recognized work. According to art critic Robert Hughes, Warhol's colorful and repetitive celebrity portraits "speak eloquently about the condition of image overload in a media saturated culture." Image overload, such an appropriate choice of words. What would Andy Warhol think of today's oversaturated celebrities? Which photos would he choose to create his portraits? The photo of Lindsay Lohan passed out with her mouth agape after yet another night of boozing was seen all over the internet and tabloids. It even landed on the cover of People along with the headline, "From adorable child star to out-of-control party girl arrested for DUI." After Britney Spears shaved her head and went nuts, she was photographed close up, wild-eyed and snarling at the paparazzi stalking her. The photo is sure to become one of the more iconic images ever taken of her. Oh, and speaking of image overload, let's not forget Paris Hilton. I think if Andy were alive today, he'd choose to paint Paris Hilton's ass instead of her face. I'm sure Andy would have done Nicole Richie, but artist Damien Hirst beat him to it.

If Francisco Goya Had Painted Janice Dickinson

Francisco Goya (1746-1828) is often called the "father of modern art" and remains one of Spain's most important artists. A superb portraitist and skilled printmaker, Goya's set of 80 etchings called Los Caprichos is among some of his finest work. Inspired by his observation and critique of human foibles during the tumultuous era of late 18th century Spanish society, Los Caprichos is a series of dark satire filled with monsterous and foolish characters. If Goya were around today, I wonder what his take on celebrity gossip would be? All I know is that I saw this photo of Janice Dickinson crouching on the sidewalk and was overcome with cold fear tempered with gut-busting amusement. Medium: ink on paper. Much thanks to Miguel in Madrid for the translation.

Britney, Lindsay and Paris: The Three Disgraces

La Primavera is one of Sandro Botticelli's best known paintings. The angelic figures shown in this ethereal work of art all represent mythological characters. While viewing this painting at the Uffizi, my eyes were drawn to the fluid movement and delicate beauty of the Three Graces. According to Greek mythology, the Three Graces represent beauty, charm and joy. Contemporary mythological characters such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are the antithesis of grace. This makes them the Three Disgraces. They represent sleaze, trash, and desperate cry for attention. What makes these women think we want to see high resolution photos of their bald, flabby, and in Britney's case, Kevin Federline-infected genitalia? If they want to show off their crotch, why don't they just go ahead and pose for Playboy? Their girlie bits would be thankfully photo retouched to oblivion and our precious eyeballs would be spared the harsh detail of pimples, stubble, cesarean scar and general ickiness sullying their private parts. Medium: Acrylic on board.

If Lautrec Had Painted Keira Knightley

French Post-Impressionist painter Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec was fond of capturing the lively images of decadent Parisian nightlife during the late 19th-century. Much of his inspiration was found inside the numerous nightclubs, cabarets, circuses and brothels in the bohemian Montmartre section of Paris. Some of my favorite works are the advertising posters he created for various Montmartre performers such as Yvette Guilbert, Jane Avril and Aristide Bruant. No doubt Lautrec would recoil in horror over what passes as creative decadence in much of modern day Hollywood, but I think he might have enjoyed painting the very skeletal and curiously grimacing Keira Frightly Knightley sauntering down the red carpet. As I mentioned, Lautrec found inspiration in circus performances...a concept not much different from red carpet events. Medium: gouache on paper.

If Egon Schiele Had Painted Nicole Richie

Austrian Expressionist painter Egon Schiele is best known for his haunting paintings of solitary figures.  His models often looked bored, uncomfortable, somewhat hollow-eyed and tended to be bony thin.  I think if he were around today, he would chose Nicole Richie as one of his subjects. Medium: Charcoal, pastel and acrylic on paper stained with chai tea.

If Dali Had Painted Angelina Jolie

One of my favorite Salvador Dali paintings is Sleep. I place Angelina Jolie in this painting because she's larger than life and needs several Daliesque pedestals to support her fame. Not only is she considered one of the most beautiful women in the world, she also donates time, money and energy toward the betterment of others. Her qualities of rebellious vixen combined with doting mother generate intrigue and devout fandom. Medium: Oil on board.

If Lichtenstein Had Painted Britney Spears

Some of Roy Lichtenstein's best known paintings are those inspired by comic book panels. Many of the female subjects Lichtenstein portrayed appeared to be in distress, so I wondered how he might paint Britney Spears.  Poor Brits, bloggers and tabloids are having a field day pointing out the fact her tummy is protruding...could she be pregnant again?  Britney's drama never ceases, just yesterday she stepped on a hypodermic needle while walking around barefoot and had to be rushed to the hospital. Add that to the stress of being married to a no talent Neanderthal who is draining her bank account with his incessant spending and partying.... and you just KNOW Britney is in distress. Medium: Acrylic on paper, digital color.

If Picasso Had Painted Shannen Doherty

This is my vision of Shannen Doherty and her little dog if Picasso were to paint her, and is first in my series of "What if Important Artists of the 20th Century Were to Paint the Portraits of Today's Tabloid Celebrities?"  I've been planning this series for a while, but hadn't considered painting Ms. Doherty until I received a timely and mysterious email from a reader who sent the image below along with the message, "Shannen Doherty/Picasso...remarkable!"  Oh, how I love when synchronicity and coincidence occurs. Many thanks to Henway for the suggestion. If you'd like to create your own Picasso painting, go here.  Medium: Acrylic and oil pastel on panel.