Gallery of the Absurd

Exciting New Product For Teenage Girls: Insta-Age

Middle-Aged Teen Magazine Beauty Product Review

Take one look around Young Hollywood and you’ll see that fresh-faced youthfulness is so last year. From Ali Lohan’s Long Island soccer mom look to Miley Cyrus‘ truck stop hooker makeup, all the hottest teens are hopping on the middle-aged bandwagon!

Of course, not everyone is lucky enough to have stage parents pushing them into premature crow’s feet — but now you, too, can achieve that adorable weathered look with the help of insta-age™.

“It really works,” reveals Middle-Aged Teen beauty editor, Candy. “My thirteen-year-old cousin used it for a week, and she looks like a real hag now. I swear, I even see gray hairs and yellowed teeth. Any time I want to look younger, I just stand next to her. It’s great!”

While on the insta-age™ regimen, our team found it’s also best to avoid water, leafy greens and role models who encourage you to act your age.

Medium: Photo composite. Written by Candy Kirby.

Paris Hilton Collection Turns Heads, Beaks During Fashion Week

PARIS HILTON COLLECTION: REVIEW
Monday, February 25, 2008

Fashion Week Correspondent: Candy Kirby

Paris may be renowned for its springtime, but it’s in the last weeks of February that fashion blossoms here, and what more appropriate way to kick off the celebration than with a show from a “designer” with the same name, Paris Hilton.

The debut of Hilton’s footwear collection, greatly anticipated by drag queens, basketball players and circus clowns, made a splash in the City of Lights — quite literally, as the models escaped at one point to bathe themselves in a fountain on the Place de la Concorde. In a move questioned by many industry insiders, Hilton employed a flock of lookalikes to model the shoes because, as she put it, “What could be hotter than me?”

After the show, Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour grumbled something about a “slow, painful death” for her assistant and the models’ “disgustingly chunky” legs, while the models were seen violently kicking off the shoes and screeching that they could have used them to cross the Seine.

Medium: photo/art collage. Written by Candy Kirby

Deconstructing Beauty Cream Ads

The NanoRevive beauty cream ad you see above isn’t real, but it could be.  I’ve been poring through fashion and beauty magazines lately and studied ad claims found in many of the skin care products and found the following common elements:

• Scientific imagery such as DNA strands or chains of molecules are pictured swirling provocatively around the product. Sensational scientific terms such as nano, cellular and matrix give the impression the product was created by white-coat wearing Swiss scientists.

• Lots of flowers, preferably shown dappled with dew.  Yes, you too can be fresh as a blossom on a Spring morn.

• Abundant use of words beginning with the letter R - regenerate, renew, refresh, revitalize, reduced, restore, resculpt, replenish, restructure, radiant, rejuvinate, etc.

• Patent-pending “exclusive formulas” with silly names like Pro-Xylane, Matrixl 3000, Survival Molecules, Nannochloropsis oculata, (and no I did not make those up).

• An unflattering, poorly lit before photo placed next to a fresh, brightened and obviously photoshopped after photo.

I couldn’t help but laugh at some of the ingredients many of these creams claimed would “turn back the clock”.  One product promised obsidian (common volcanic glass) “discovered on the legendary island of Pantelleria” would regenerate, restore and revitalize skin’s natural beauty.  Hmm, I wonder if they’ll give me a refund on the $400 they charge for it. Medium: photoshop composite.

Stella McCartney Launches The Heather Mills Jewelry Collection

Clothing designer Stella McCartney will seek sweet revenge on her gold digging, one-legged ex-Stepmonster by offering a single-leg pendant as part of her new Heather Mills jewelry collection. It was hard enough to watch her father marry and then divorce the greedy money-grubber, but what finally sent Stella over the edge was Heather's tearful woe-is-me media campaign against Sir Paul. Click here to see the rest of Stella's lovely collection of Heather Mills jewelry, including the Gold Digger Charm and the diamond encrusted Evil She-Devil Pendant. Medium: photoshop goofiness, concept created by Holy Candy, jewelry designed by 14.