Gallery of the Absurd

The Olsen Twins Jewelry Collection Is Now Available

The Olsen Twins have partnered with jewelry artist Robert Lee to create a line of jewelry with Mary-Kate and Ashley's "personal twist". The pieces are nice enough, but I didn't think they reflected enough of the Twins character. I took a stab at designing a few pieces of jewelry and of course, each piece is inspired by Olsen Twins gossip. They've been compared to troll dolls, little monkeys, and are often seen lurking about the streets of New York looking like shabby shopping cart-pushing bag ladies.

A closer look at the Troll Collection. I covet the troll necklace.

A closer look at the Bag Lady Collection. In order to stay true to the craft, the sign pendants were created using actual cardboard signs often clutched by homeless people.

Simon Cowell Pitches For Viagra

American Idol judge and professional sourpuss Simon Cowell claims he turned down a $2 million offer to be the spokesman for Viagra, calling it a “f—ing insult” in the British edition of Glamour magazine. He sniffed:

“Last year my agent rang me and said, ‘You’ve been offered an incredibly big deal. It’s to be the face of Viagra. I just said, ‘Sorry, but that has to be a f—ing insult.’”

However, according to our sources, Simon had a change of heart when he thought about the “perks” of the position.  Medium: digital collage, text written by Candy Kirby.

Cats Love Pete Doherty's Crack Addict Crunchies

Recent reports claim Pete Doherty's cats were found with cocaine in their systems. Similar to the air in Rome, Junkie Pete's London apartment is wafting with enough cocaine particles to keep him, his cats, and his entire neighborhood high for months. After noticing his cats were snorting lines, hallucinating, drinking all his beer, and stealing his car for crack-fueled joy rides, Pete came up with an idea. He would gather trash, bits of rotting food and dust from his apartment and make cat treats from it. Pete Doherty's Crack Addict Crunchies are taking London by storm and will soon be available in the United States. They're 40 times stronger than catnip and your cat is guaranteed to love them...but please, keep them out of reach from Hollywood starlets. Medium: oil on wood, digital color. Original sketch here.

The World's Most Expensive Handbag

Much discussion has erupted over the recent announcement of the $45,000 Loius Vuitton bag. Only two dozen were made, and despite the fact they look like something a lawnmower chewed up, all have quickly sold out. If you think paying $45,000 is outrageous, then get a load of this Loius Vuitton $150,000 Urban Satchel debuting for Spring 2008:

Made of the world's finest Italian leather, this one-of-a-kind luxury handbag is hand-crafted with carefully chosen "urban charms". The proud owner of this exclusive handbag will be able to flaunt her impeccable style and lavish taste to a world that can only dream about owning such a rare and precious possession. Medium: an old purse found in the back of my closet, rubber cement, various bits of trash found on the sidewalks of San Francisco.

Ashley Olsen has signed a multimillion dollar endorsement deal to advertise the $150,000 Urban Satchel in upcoming issues of Vogue. It's rumored the Olsen Twins are locked in heated battle over who gets to purchase the bag, while Anna Wintour and Victoria Beckham have started a nasty bidding war for it. Medium: Photoshop collage.

I hate to say it, but the $45,000 bag pictured above looks sooooo last season compared to the innovative design of the Urban Satchel.

Britney's New Fragrance: Le Fromage L'Orange

Britney Spears wanted a completely original fragrance concept that could stand apart from the tightly packed celebrity perfume market and get noticed above all the rest. When asked what her and Kevin Federline's favorite scent was, she said, "Honestly y'all, we just love bright orange cheese. Not only does it smell heavenly, it tastes real good too." Working closely with the perfume manufacturers, Britney insisted that her fragrance be edible. "If it's gonna be smellin' like cheese, it oughta be tastin' like cheese too y'all. If Kevin gets a whiff of me smellin' like Easy Cheese, I doubt he'd be leavin' me all alone while he goes galavantin' off to Vegas." She wanted to name her lovely perfume "Orange Cheese", but analysts insisted Le Fromage L'Orange sounded classier.

Special thanks to Holly and Reality Check for suggesting the name of Brit's new 'fume.

Celebrity Endorsement Idea No. 285: Andy Ick

Andy Dick is notorious for unleashing tongue bath assaults on unsuspecting reporters and fellow entertainers. Now anyone can experience the lick of the ick when they use Andy Dick's Body Wash and Disinfectant! This amazing state-of-the-art bath product adds a new level of fun to your shower. Not only does it leave you sparkling clean, it disinfects too! You'll never need to worry about catching any germs and your skin will be left with the intoxicating scent of stale cigarettes and whiskey. Simply rub the realistic sponge tongue applicator all over your body while showering and you'll soon experience the sudsy saliva clean feeling that until now, was only available to celebrity roast participants and Las Vegas call girls/boys. Start each morning with the lick of the ick!

The Naomi Campbell Cell Phone

Even if you manage to avoid developing brain cancer from using your mobile phone, you still have to worry about the possibility of an angry Naomi Campbell hurling one at your head.  One of the largest mobile device makers has teamed up with the aging supermodel to introduce the most fashionable phone to ever hit the runway. Studded with sparkling pink Swarovski crystals and featuring an exclusive 3 carat diamond, no one would guess that with a push of a button, this innocent little phone becomes a dangerous Ninja shuriken. The antenna doubles as a grenade pin...just pull and toss at your enemy! A set of Swiss army knives are also included, along with a high quality nail file and secret lipstick compartment. 

Celebrity Endorsement Idea No. 312

Look, I realize this is pandering to the lowest common denominator of cesspool gossip, but my mission is to illustrate gossip...and so I do what I must.  My inspiration comes from the fact Britney Spears and Cheetos have become so synonymous that one term is rarely mentioned without the other. Just take a look at what the bloggers are saying. In addition, Star magazine has been monitoring Brit's weight gain over the past month and even ran a cover photo screaming "Brit Gains 20 lbs. MORE!" 

Our investigative team has just uncovered Frito-Lay's plans to expand their product line by offering Cheetos Britney, an even cheesier, greasier and more unnatural shade of orange crunchy snack. We were able to obtain a prototype image of the bag (see above) and also got our hands on the teaser ad (see below) scheduled to appear in upcoming magazines right before the product becomes available.

Aren't you intrigued? Is your mouth watering for cheesy goodness?

This is what the ad will look like inserted into the pages of a sample magazine.

Celebrity Endorsement Idea No. 719

Marketers are missing out on the large demographic of aging and soon-to-be aging hipsters. Cool people don't want to be seen purchasing Depends for their bouts of incontinence, no, they need something more targeted to their sensibilities. Introducing Fergie's Rockin' Adult Diapers, the first fitted briefs designed exclusively for the needs of the savvy Baby Boomer and early Gen-X market segment.  Ever since Fergie's little on-stage accident, greater awareness of this issue has been raised, and hopefully marketers will cash in.

Celebrity Endorsement Idea No. 645

If you like sour candies, then you'll love Renee Zellweger's EXTREME SOUR LEMON Candy. It's the sourest candy available on the market and is sure to put a permanent pucker on your face. Grab a package today and taste just how EXTREMELY sour these candies really are!