Gallery of the Absurd

Tori Spelling Stars in "Attack of the TORPION!"

The Torpion is a much feared creature of the Tiresome Diva species. It may be observed crawling about the streets of Beverly Hills and is occasionally spotted in New York during Fashion Week.  Often dressed in showy frocks of silk, it can best be identified by its bulging eyes and inexplicable hardened globes sprouting from its bony chest plate.  Yet despite such obvious identifying features, it often goes unrecognized - which sends it into a predictable fury. Do not attempt to block the Torpion's access to backstage VIP events for it will surely fly into a rage and begin yelping as it attacks with its large claws. Medium: ink on paper, digital color. Much thanks to Stephanie for sending me the delightful Daily Mail link.

The Nadya Suleman Octomom

The Nadya Suleman Octomom is a new species recently discovered in the Los Angeles area. Her mating habit consists of visiting fertility clinics and impregnating herself with as many spawn that will fit into her capacious womb. She uses her well-manicured eight tentacles to juggle her 14 children while flipping through the pages of any magazine featuring Angelina Jolie.  The suckers located underneath each tentacle allow the Octomom to grab as much tax payer money as possible and to also seek out lucrative endorsement deals, expensive makeup, and maybe even grab Oprah's attention or get her own Bravo/Discovery/TLC/blah blah blah show like the other famous Duggar-esque families out there.  

I tried so hard, so very hard to ignore the Nadya Suleman story, but it was near impossible. She's everywhere - there is no escape.  A few days ago while having an uninspired day, a cheery email from a reader landed in my in-box requesting that I "please please please" draw the "Octo mom". I figured, why not?  This is for you Elizabeth! Medium: Graphite on paper, digital color.

Cover Your Ears, It's the Elisabeth Hasselbeck Screech Owl

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Screech Owl
Vociferor Conservativus

The Elisabeth Hasselbeck Screech Owl is a small, loud, opinionated Owl of the Species vociferor conservativus, indigenous to the United States’ Right-Wing regions.

It is a bleached-blonde Owl that sits erect and is always prepared to tearfully defend its territory should any creature attack the Bush Administration or theistic evolution, or question the Iraq War. The Screech Owl’s feathers are easily ruffled; however, recent field reports indicate the Owl is capable of graciously cooing, rather than screeching, at the most unexpected times. This is the first time the Owl has been known to eat post-election crow.

The Owl was first spotted in the Australian Outback, where zoologists originally called the cute bird a “Survivor Sweetheart.” Now living in New York City , the Owl migrates to Republican events across the country during election season.

Most owl species depend on camouflage, stealth and small animals to survive, but the Marc Jacobs-clad Elisabeth Hasselbeck Screen Owl seems to defy all the conventional owl wisdom, surviving on a diet of FOX News, Rosie blood and egg white omelets with spinach. The Screech Owl’s only natural enemies are its co-hosts and liberals. Medium: Acrylic on paper, digital paint, photoshop. Concept created by GOTA and Holy Candy. Latin name and description written by Candy Kirby.

Behold The Sparkling Jay-Z Bling Turtle

The Bling Turtle is an obscenely wealthy reptile of the Species Ostentātus hyp-hopio mogula, whose soft body is shielded by a diamond-encrusted shell.

Unlike other reptiles, Bling Turtles travel by white Escalade and private yacht, and live primarily on cases of perfectly chilled Armand de Brignac. They will withdraw their head into their shells when asked whether they are, in fact, married to their longtime girlfriend; however, they are also known to become aggressive when provoked by fellow hyp-hopio artists – which rap zoologists have identified as “Nas” – with “oh no, he didn’t”-type lyrics dismissing Bling Turtle as serious competition.

The Bling Turtle is indigenous to New York City, and can be found overseeing his many business ventures; piling on yet more bling; supporting the Yankees with a perpetually crooked baseball cap; sailing to the South of France; delivering clean water to Africa; and retiring from music-making – and repeatedly triumphantly returning to music-making. Medium: graphite, ink on paper, digital color and bling. Idea of Bling Turtle came to me after Candy Kirby suggested Jay-Z might resemble a turtle. Latin name and description written by Candy Kirby.

Meet The Cackling Bowl Cut Chimps

The easiest way to identify this curious species is by the identical bowl cut hairstyle each family member adorns itself with or by the wide-mouthed grimace they display when cackling. Despite the fact the female towers over the male, she submits to his control and has been observed taking on his hobbies, habits and interests. The male is easily agitated, excitable and aggressive toward anyone who dares to criticize his peculiar belief system. If your car breaks down on the highway, you had better hope a Cackling Bowl Cut Chimp is nearby because they're the only ones who can help. Medium: Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Suri: liquid pencil and watercolor on paper. Palm trees: digital sketch. Original sketch shown here.

These Boots Were Made For Hopping

The Jessica Simpson Dingbat Frog can be found hopping around Hollywood in search of a suitable mate. It can be identified by its large chest spilling out of low cut tops and also by its habit of wearing silly boots. The disturbing croak of the Dingbat Frog has been recorded on CD and is available for purchase. A distinguishing characteristic of the Dingbat Frog is its enormous rubbery mouth which is often kept agape. This allows the frog to feed on cash flies buzzing around lucrative endorsement deals such as Proactive Acne Solution, Pizza Hut Cheesy Bites, clip-on hair, accessories and cosmetics. This concludes the series of "Celebimals" commissioned by Animal magazine. Medium: Ink and acrylic on paper, Latin phrase by Michael K.

It occured to me that I could create a comic strip based simply on Jessica Simpson's expressive mouth.

I would never ever run out of material.

Okay, I'll stop now. (Images from strip #3 are from Getty.)

Nicole Richie: Hollywood Wildlife

Nicole Richie is reportedly seeking treatment to find out "why she can't gain weight". While we're happy she's finally taking care of her health, we wonder if she'll still make headlines once she returns to a less shocking size. If she's not a walking skeleton in a baggy size 0 bikini, will she still appear on the glossy covers of tabloids? If she's at a healthy weight, will the paparazzi still stalk her for the elusive money shot of Nicole consuming food? Will fervent speculation and scandal continue with sordid tales of drug use, eating disorders and collapsing in night clubs? Oh well, whether Nicole is skinny or not, she'll always look like a pygmy marmoset. That's not such a bad thing. Medium: Ink and acrylic on paper. This illustration appeared in the Animal magazine feature "Celebimals". Concept and Latin name by dlisted's Michael K.

The Man-Eating Party Panda

The Lohan Party Panda can be found roaming the hottest clubs across New York, Las Vegas and Hollywood. Quite often, it can also be spotted in various hospital emergency rooms. This lusty little red panda has an enormous appetite for the male species and is a highly skilled predator. The Party Panda's natural enemy is the Paris Hilton Ass Ostrich and one may observe their warring behavior documented inside the pages of The Glossy Field Guide to Hollywood Animals. Medium: Ink and acrylic on paper, Latin phrase by Michael K. Illustration done for Animal Magazine

George Clooney: Hollywood Monkey King

If Handsome George were a gorilla, this is what he'd look like. He's the reigning Monkey King of Hollywood and no one can push him off his pedestal. Other alpha male primates such as Russell Crowe and Bill O'Reilly have tried to knock the Georgerilla's crown off, but thus far have not succeeded.  Aggressive female primates who've attempted to domesticate the wild Georgerilla have failed, but that doesn't stop them from being lured by the Georgerilla's smoothly seductive charms. If you are approached by the Georgerilla while traveling in the jungles of Hollywood, ask about his "Best Supporting Ape" statue and kindly offer him a hotdog. You and the Georgerilla will become fast friends...especially if you're a female. Medium: Ink, acrylic on paper, Latin phrase by Michael K.

Paris Hilton is NOT a Slut

In this heart wrenching interview by TMZ's Harvey Levin, Paris Hilton emotionally declares she isn't a slut. Come on everyone, just because Paris is always spreading her legs, showing the world she doesn't wear underwear and dancing on tables DOES NOT mean she's a slut. She writhes and grunts while singing Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner because she is a singer, okay? She writhes and grunts while biting a big juicy hamburger because she's a brand and a model, okay? Paris is a serious actress, didn't any of you people see House of Wax?!?! Paris even wrote a thought-provoking book based on exhaustive research about....herself. You may refer to Ms. Hilton as "American Royalty" and you may stand in awe at her self-proclaimed status of "Iconic Blonde", but don't you dare call her a slut. It hurts her feelings. Medium: Ink, acrylic on page from Doctor Doolittle's Post Office. Latin phrase by Michael K.

Oh, and one more interview! This one is more about art and less about celebrity. The Extra Finger interviews emerging artists from around the world and we are honored to be included. Read it here.