Gallery of the Absurd

Dr. Phil Swoops in on Britney Spears

Hollywood Predator is the only magazine devoted to the various predators living in Hollywood. Each issue is jam packed with educational features and stunning photos of common predatory species such as the Dr. Phil Fool, Paparazzi Wolves, and creepy "producers". An excerpt from the latest issue:

Lurking on the pristine streets of Beverly Hills is the most annoying predator known to celebrities: the paparazzi. They hunt incessantly for lucrative shots, even if it means scaling fences at daycares – or, most recently, following Britney Spears into an ambulance as she suffered a nervous breakdown and recklessly chasing down her two young sons, just so they could capture that “money shot” of their tear-stained faces looking out the car window.

Britney is certainly not the only celebrity to be preyed upon by this Hollywood predator. Fellow target Sean Penn has fought back, both physically and verbally, saying that:

“The [paparazzi] should be put in a cage where you can poke them with a stick for a quarter. But not in a hostile way, just for giggles. They really are on the attack against mankind; it's a disease. They should be helped somewhere. But I'd still like to poke them with a stick.”

Experts say that while stick-poking is one option for dealing with the intrusive predator, moving out of Los Angeles or getting another job is an even more effective solution.

A page from the latest issue of Hollywood Predator. Marvel at the sharp talons and quick speed of Dr. Phil Fool as he swoops down to grab the sick, disoriented bunny. Medium: photo collage, ink on paper, text written by Candy Kirby, concept created in collaboration with Holy Candy.

more at twiigs.com...

Britney Spears Sits For Her Digital Portrait

I messed around on ArtPad's digital canvas today while having my morning coffee and this is the monstrosity I created. Similar to a dumbed down wacom tablet, the digital canvas allows you to paint your masterpiece as it records your brushstrokes. Once you've completed your magnum opus, save and send the link to your pals and they can watch in awe as your masterpiece unfolds before their eyes. Or they can press "delete". Watch my painting process here. Be sure and move the speed control to "fast" or else you might fall asleep.

Why Are We So Interested in Jamie-Lynn Spears?

It's an objective inquiry to which I'm seeking answers. What's so compelling about this person? How has she managed to captivate the nation simply by being the younger sister of America's Tragic Clown and also for being knocked-up at 16 after spoon feeding the media such a wholesome and squeaky clean image? How was this person's mother able to sell the story to the media for one million dollars? I'll give away one of my original paintings to the person who provides me the most original and enlightening answer. Poster created by guest artist, graphic designer Wendyann Pope.

Britney's Favorite Birthday Gift

Britney Spears was thrilled with the gift basket a fellow blogger presented to her for her 26th birthday. Not only did it contain many of Brit's favorites: Taco Bell gorditas, hoodia lollipops, a Starbucks Faticcino, etc. - it also contained helpful gifts Britney would never think to buy for herself: Parenting for Dummies to help raise those pesky kids and Dr. Scholl's Odor Destroyers to spray within a 25ft radius of those boots she likes to wear every day. medium: photo collage, gift basket concept by Holy Candy.

photo courtesy of Fame Pictures.

Scandal Erupts Over Britney Spears Bartending Claims

Earlier this week, TMZ reported Britney Spears had inquired about becoming a bartender at the Viceroy hotel. Tipped off by an anonymous source, TMZ was told Britney's application was being held in the hotel's human resources department. A day later, Extra TV moves in for the kill and claims TMZ's Bartendin' Britney story is bogus. With arched back and bristling fur, TMZ swats back at Extra by publicly scolding them for breaking "reporting rules" and stealing the word "Shoptart". While TMZ and Extra were fighting over scraps, Holy Candy was busy preparing this comprehensive Britney Spears resume. It lists all her talents and achievements on one page so Brit will never have to waste time filling out lengthy applications at whichever random Taco Bell, Chevy's or Applebee's that happen to capture her whim. Medium: Photoshop composite of Manet's "A Bar at the Folies-Bergere" painting.

Is This the Future of Britney Spears?

That Other Blog has reported that Britney Spears may be indulging in crystal meth. A girl has to celebrate losing custody of her children, no? I hope the rumor isn't true, but with Britney I suppose anything is possible. The Britney Spears news over the last 24 hours has been so chaotic and frenzied that it's hard to keep up with all the circus-like drama. After losing her kids to Federline, she went to a tanning booth so she'd look hot for a party later that night. She doesn't have a valid drivers license, yet continues to drive. There was some sort of squirmish at Britney's hotel that involved speeding cars, a hotel break-in, a dark alley, dancing midgets, and an Elvis Presley sighting...or something like that. I'm confused. If Britney really is using meth, she has this and this and this to look forward to. Don't do it Britney! Medium: photo composite, ink and acrylic on paper.

Various Reviews of Britney's VMA Performance

I didn't watch the VMAs. Sure, I was curious about how Britney's big "comeback performance" would go, but I knew it would be all over the internet as soon as she finished, so why bother? Since I'm more inspired by what you have to say about Britney Spears rather than Britney Spears herself, I decided to illustrate some of the more interesting opinions I found regarding her performance:

Chris Crocker, Britney Spears fan/sobbing YouTube sensation, launches into tearful hysteria and eardrum-busting screams as he pleads to all of us to leave Britney alone. "Her song is called Gimme More for a reason because all you people want is more more more! LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!! sob."

Nekesa Mumbi Moody of the Associated Press wrote that Britney's performance consisted of "lethargic movements that seemed choreographed by a dance instructor for a nursing home."

Michael K of Dlisted wrote, "I could have dressed a sack of potatoes up in a sequined bikini and turned a tired track on and have gotten a better performance and better lip-synching skills."

50 Cent didn't need words to express his bewilderment over Britney's performance.

Dan Aquilante of the New York Post called Brit's performance "totally lame, pathetically lip-synched" and that "Spears was stuffed into a spangled bra and hot pants and jiggled like Jell-O as she sleepwalked through the song." What got me is when I read the part about how Britney "danced like she had a pantload." Ouch.

The Most Miraculous Product Ever Created: Photoshop Beauty Spray

Photoshop, the world's most widely used photo retouching software, has caused a massive shake-up in the cosmetic, fitness and plastic surgery industries after launching its newest product, Photoshop in a Can. Insiders claim this new form of sprayable Photoshop will eliminate the need for cosmetics, hair styling products, fitness centers and elective cosmetic surgery . Analysts predict the product will cause the beauty industry to collapse and thousands of jobs will be cut. Hair salons and gyms across the world will shut down. The City of Beverly Hills, CA has called in the National Guard to assist with the angry swarms of protesting plastic surgeons and personal fitness trainers. Photoshop in a Can promises effortless beauty and perfection with one push of a button. Madonna, Gwen Stefani, and many others are said to be hoarding cases of the stuff. Even the President of France is said to use it. Now, even the most homely individual can achieve the illusion of impossible beauty and unattainable perfection so widely pumped out by today's media. Truly a miracle in a can.

Photoshop in a Can was used for the Britney Spears Allure magazine shoot. Sources say Britney arrived at the photo shoot as a dishelved mess. Her makeup was 3 days old, her wig was fried, and it looked like she hadn't bathed in days. No problem, Photoshop in a Can transformed her into a comely young vixen with a tight body and soft flowing hair....all with just one touch of a button. Medium: graphite and ink on paper, Photoshop. Photo from Allure.com

Over the course of the next few days, I'll post additional awe-inspiring before and after images of celebrities who use Photoshop in a Can.

Child Rearin' and Drivin' Tips From Britney

Are you sick and tired of your kids ruining all your fun? Do you yearn to party with strippers all night, grope strangers in pools, and jet off to Las Vegas on a whim, but your kids are holding you back? Can't find enough parked cars to ram your Mercedes into? Not sure which side of the road to drive? Do you find child-safety seats a big hassle? Then you need Britney Spears' comprehensive and educational new book, "Britney's Drivin' Manual and Parentin' Tips." You'll learn to balance the demands of parenthood while actively pursuing the 24/7 party lifestyle of a fallen pop star. Britney's tips are so easy, anyone can do it! Here's a sample excerpt:

"Sometimes it's so hard to party with yer friends when the babies won't stop cryin' y'all. To keep them lil' critters quiet, I just pour sodey pop in their bottles and they hush right up. If y'all is concerned about what the sugar will do to their teeth, don't worry, you can just take 'em to the dentist to git their teeth whitened. Oh, and you will not believe this y'all, but I done learned that if ya feed yer youngins a big bowl of ice cream before bed, the cold will make 'em sleepy. That's right y'all, I know the secrets pediatricians won't tell you."

Medium: ink on paper, digital color, pixie dust. Thanks Neal for the inspiration.

A Stricken Britney Strikes A Pose

By now, most of you have heard the shocking details of what has come to be known as Britney's Disasterous Photo Shoot. Britney unleashed her full spectrum of crazy during an OK! magazine photo shoot. Let's see, she cleaned up her puppy's poop with a designer gown, she wiped her greasy fried chicken hands all over yet another gown, she shocked the crew by fondling herself and leaving the bathroom door open, and became paranoid the "ceiling was about to cave in". What's the big deal? It's just another day in the life of Britney Spears. She's displayed her careless behavior, her lack of hygiene, her habit of mishandling poop, and her befuddled ramblings throughout her career. She insists her behavior is normal, that she's just being "country y'all" or perhaps preparing for a movie "roll" when questioned about her antics. Britney Spears has spent most of her life being forced into groomed for show business and maybe her current behavior is her form of rebellion. Whatever the case may be, I'd LOVE to see Britney record a remake of the Dr. Demento classic "They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaaa". Medium: ink on paper, digital color.