Gallery of the Absurd

African Villages Ward Off Orphan-Obsessed Celebrities

Fed up with status-seeking American celebrities raiding their orphanages for trendy accessories, several African villages have created wooden tribal masks and figurines to ward off future intrusions.  Each mask is exquisitely hand-carved in the likeness of Madonna and Angelina Jolie and hung menacingly outside village orphanages. It is claimed the masks impart so much blood-curdling fear, orphan-seeking celebrities avoid entrance.  Local villagers have recognized the power of the masks and it's not uncommon to see them displayed at the entrance of their dwellings to ward off marauding rivals and evil spirits. Even tourists are snapping them up.

A local shaman who does not want to be named claimed he had visions of Baby Snatchers during an iboga-fueled vision quest ceremony several years ago. "I saw a gap-toothed monster, with great shining eyes and hair of gold. It's arms were outstretched, veins protruding like the branches of a Baobab tree, with a curious yarn, colored scarlet like blood, tied around only one arm. I awoke with a gasp, grabbed the first piece of wood I found, and began carving the prophetic image Iboga gave to me!" Medium: ink and graphite on paper, digital color.

For The Brangelooney on Your Christmas List: Touched By A BrANGELina Decorative Collector Plates

Confused about what to buy the obsessed Brangelooney on your Christmas list? Look no further, get them the Touched by a BrANGELina Decorative Collectible Plates and they'll be foaming at the mouth in an uncontrollable frenzy. Each handcrafted porcelain plate in this collection is shaped in a circle to reflect their beautiful family circle of love. Because the Jolie-Pitt clan is more than just a family, they truly are angels sent from heaven. Honor their blessed impact on our lives and choose your favorite offspring from a wide selection of children in Brad and Angelina's enchanting rainbow family, including Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh and the Holy Twins, Knox and Vivienne - with many, many more to come!

Display this Touched by a BrANGELina collector plate collection proudly in your home, or choose to throw them with delicious force at pictures of Jennifer "Maniston!" Don't miss this chance to celebrate the most blessed of families. Frighteningly strong, obsessive-like demand is expected for this beautiful plates, so order today.

Mall of America Unveils Angelina Jolie Breast Feeding Fountain

A meticulously detailed, hand-carved marble fountain depicting the beloved Angelina Jolie breast feeding her twins has just been unveiled in the Enchanted Food Court nestled in the southwest wing of America's largest shopping mall. Perched atop a gilded platform between Hot Dog on a Stick and Cinnabon, the fountain has quickly become a beloved shrine to the thousands of wild-eyed pilgrims flocking to fall upon their knees and worship her Holiness. Due to the overwhelming hysteria revolving around Jolie's recent breast feeding stunt photo on the cover of W magazine, witnesses say the pilgrims resemble a swarming plague of locusts as they amass around the milk-squirting fountain. Often called "Brangeloonies", these devoted followers have been gathering in long lines outside the Mall of America just to get a glimpse of the otherworldly statue and perhaps leave a devotional item or two. Mall authorities are thrilled with the overwhelming response and recently told local news, "Sales are through the roof now that we've debuted the Saint Angelina Fountain and merchants such as Chicos, Cinnabon and Illuminations are seeing record sales numbers." It just goes to show you that despite the fragile US economy, anything related to Angelina Jolie commands instant commerce and distraction mesmerized attention. Medium: Ink wash on paper, digital color, photoshop.

Finally, A Shrine For The Brangeloonies

After reading blog comments under the announcement of the Jolie-Pitt Twins yesterday, I witnessed first hand the raving insanity of the frothing Brangeloonies. Similar to the Claymates in their blind devotion and ceaseless worship of famous people they don't even know, the Brangeloonies were out in full force yesterday practically declaring the birth of The Twins a national holiday and labeling anyone who dared to disagree as "haters" or "trolls". How very pre-school! A commenter might write something as innocent as "what's the big deal, so lots of babies were born that day" and within minutes a stomping crowd of torch bearing witch-hunters are at his throat.  Another curious trait of the Brangeloonie is the nearly unanimous vitriol aimed at Jennifer Aniston. Brad and Jen divorced 3 years ago, but in the snarling eyes of the Brangeloonie, somehow she's still an unwilling player. I collected some of the goodies from various blogs to share with you. And no, I did not make any of these up - they're all 100% real:

"I only want to celebrate and sing her praises. I have been down on my knees all morning, where I know she would want me to be, blessing this holy family. god bless the jolie-pitts!"

"OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG—– My life now has meaning. You guys, today is totally my birthday…. and my mom’s name is Vivian! (I know darling Vivienne is spelled differently, but still)This is the first thing I’ve been able to share with the blessed Jolie-Pitts. I am over the moon."

"The trolls are really losing it, they are dying of envy. I won’t even give a second of my time reading or posting about a person I don’t like. That’s the power of Angelina, they can’t get away from her."

"This is such exciting news and the lovely posts are a pleasure to read from you JP fans. Makes it easy to bypass the unhappy jealous hateful people who cant help but show their ugliness at such a blessed time. Nothing can take away our joy today."

"I’m really getting tired of being hated on just because I want people to be happy. Babies are a gift from God, especially from people as wonderful as Brad and Angie. All you Aniston (yuck) lovers out there are just jealous that he’s happy and successful now. I think she needs to adopt an Indian baby next or something even more exotic to add to the beauty that is their family. Maybe one from Romania?"

"By the crazy reaction from the haters, we know Jen Aniston is miserable and in pain right now. hehehe. Brad got really emotional as he cut the ambilical cords, awww. I couldn’t even imagine how thrilled they both are."

"This should be a day of celebration, yet everyone is just so MEAN. Why can’t the twins and the rest of the Jolie-Pitts have at least ONE nice day without so many people trying to ruin it? She just had TWINS for crying out loud. Angelina is such a beautiful matyr; I wish I could be more like her. Sure, she’s kinda shunning America, but I still luv, luv, LUV her!!! Anyone else want to start a petition to wish them the best luck in the world?" The Brangeloonie Shrine is available exclusively at Babies R Us and Wal-Mart, but hurry, supplies are limited and rioting has already begun. Medium: photo composite.

Angelina Jolie As The Little Engine That Could

Angelina Jolie and her brood star in the celebrity version of The Little Engine That Could, a classic children's tale about determined optimism and courageous intent. Angelina and Brad Pitt are planning on adopting up to 14 kids (such a fortuitous number!) and while that may seem daunting, they claim they're up to the challenge. She thinks she can, she thinks she can... Medium: graphite sketch, digital color.

Here's a sneak peak at one of the pages scanned from the book. Lavishly illustrated, this modern hero's tale is sure to inspire today's celebrity-obsessed generation. Written by Candy Kirby, illustrated by 14. Medium: scanned page from Little Golden Book version of The Little Engine That Could, photo collage.

The Angelina Jolie Hands-Free Multiple Child Carrier

Angelina Jolie recently announced she has filed papers to adopt yet another exotic overseas orphan. Faced with the burden of carrying so many children while traveling the world for humanitarian reasons, Jolie commissioned a designer to create a stylish transport to fit her unique needs. The Angelina Jolie Hands-Free Multiple Baby Carrier is a sleek device that carries up to four children and features diaper storage, a bottle and sippy cup holder, an insulated snack compartment, and retractable toys. Best of all, the carrier allows Angelina to keep her hands free to pick up other orphans that might catch her eye. Available by special order only, but hurry, there's a growing wait list. Madonna has already placed her order and other celebrities are likely to follow. Medium: ink on paper, digital color.

What If.....

For months the world has been anticipating the arrival of the Brangelina baby. Tabloids and bloggers have been speculating that this baby is destined to be the Most Beautiful Child Ever. New York Magazine ruffled feathers when stating "Not since Jesus has a baby been so eagerly anticipated." What I'd like to speculate is.....what if the offspring of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt isn't as stunningly gorgeous as everyone assumes? What if she's just a regular looking baby....maybe even a little goofy looking? It could happen! Just one look at the adorable baby Kevin Federline was able to produce for Britney Spears shows just how unpredictable the genetic lottery can be. Congratulations to the growing Jolie-Pitt clan. We're happy to learn that little Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt has arrived healthy and without complication. Despite my contrary speculation, there's a high likelihood this kid is going to be a looker. Medium: Acrylic and gouache on board. SOLD

Is Brad Angie's Boy Toy?

Star magazine provides much of the inspiration for the work I post on this blog. I flip open the magazine and find endless amounts of material to fuel my absurd paintings of celebrity gossip. They were kind enough to print my Brad Pitt Pull Toy in their News of the Week feature.....so of course I had to create a painting out of it. Here we see Brad disagreeing over his portrayal as Angie's boy toy. Medium: Acrylic and ink painted directly onto page 30 of the April 24 issue of Star magazine.

If Dali Had Painted Angelina Jolie

One of my favorite Salvador Dali paintings is Sleep. I place Angelina Jolie in this painting because she's larger than life and needs several Daliesque pedestals to support her fame. Not only is she considered one of the most beautiful women in the world, she also donates time, money and energy toward the betterment of others. Her qualities of rebellious vixen combined with doting mother generate intrigue and devout fandom. Groan. Medium: Oil on board. SOLD

Angelina Jolie's Subservient Pull Toy

According to the tabloids, Brad Pitt has gone from sexiest man alive to subservient, pitiful yes-man who does whatever his girlfriend says. Ever since he met Angelina, he seems to have completely forgotten his self-identity. Don't believe us? Consider the following: Angelina wears dark clothes, and what do you know.....Brad has started wearing dark clothes. Angelina is a pilot....and SURPRISE! Brad wants to be a pilot. Angelina is a Goodwill Ambassador, now Brad wants to be a Goodwill Ambassador. AND.... the most obvious example of Brad's spineless metamorphosis can be observed in how Angelina grabs his hand and leads the way at each and every photo op. Brad is a pull toy, a handsome man on wheels who tends and entertains the kids while Angelina dazzles. Curious about the shiny red button on the Pull Toy's back? Press it and Pull Toy happily responds: "Yes dear." "Whatever makes you happy, dear." "I agree with you dear, excellent idea." "Whatever you say dear." Medium: Ink on paper, digital color.