If Scientists Were Tabloid Fodder

I've always wondered what our culture would be like if we obsessed about the private lives and accomplishments of scientists, researchers and great thinkers the same way we obsess over celebrities. Would we follow closely the scandals of scientific study the same way we follow the scandals of Britney or Madonna? Would certain appealing scientists be given their own reality shows? Perhaps Scientific America would become an easy-to-read weekly and Maxim would include a bevy of young female astronomers and genetic researchers in their annual Maxim Hot 100 List.

Scientists aren't known for their style and fashion sense, so they'd be easy targets for the snippy quips of Star magazine's "Star Style Stalkers". Fashion designers would quickly seize the chance to start creating more fashionable lab coats and safety glasses and we'd see them featured as product placements in major motion pictures. Waiting lists would begin for the most sought after designer lab coats and prices would skyrocket once Chanel and Versace got into the game. Soon, Joan Rivers would show up on the red carpet to pick apart those heading to the Dirac Prize awards show and the E! Channel would run all day coverage.

Us Weekly's infamous Just Like Us feature would show us pictures of scientists living their lives in ordinary ways we can identify with. They really are just like us!

TMZ cameramen would flee the popular celebrity hangouts in Hollywood and park themselves in front of research institutes across the world. Forget the lurid appeal of the Mini-Me sex tape, everyone's talking about Jane Goodall's chimp scandal.

Perez Hilton would likely make up goofy nicknames for leading scientists and then scrawl over their photographs. Of course Perez would also let you know about Perez's fabulous new haircut and Perez's hot new diet body and Perez's stylish clothing line at Hot Topic. Yay!

Comments

[jb spry]

What famous cellular biologist has been sipping from the laboratory specimen jars since finding lurid photos of her gadfly (drosophila priapus)anthropologist husband leeringly surrounded by a gaggle of topless young Giraffe Women - taken when he was supposedly "at work" on a National Geographic assignment? We're not naming names, but someone at Stanford University needs to remind the jilted jeneticist that she won't get any "solutions" from her friend Ethyl.

[Ignatz]

On behalf of engineers, computer geeks, and science nerds everywhere, we thank you!

[Nanners]

Excellent!

[missbivigou]

JB Spry your comment is as brilliant as this piece.

[Cyclops Kitten Natividad]

Oh my god. I love you, 14. This is genius.

[Rex Karz]

The things that constitute value in our society today absolutely blow my mind. We are truly a friggin' "Idiocracy".

[laurie]

spot on 14..spot on...

[sugarbear]

Thank you for this. :D

[Demon Kitty]

You know, when I looked at this, I got emotional. I actually started to feel something akin to "how dare you make fun of their dress!!!!"

You look into these people's eyes and there is sincerity and integrity or some kind of substance there. You look into the eyes of the Hollywood scum and you either see complete and utter bullshit, or nothing.

[Roy N]

You are just so.

[Vern]

Gee 14,
Are you trying to say the world is bigger than Diddy's ego?

[bonni]

Well, I know that was a joke, but that Stephen Hawking does get around a bit. I mean, he divorced his wife of decades, mother of his children, and took up with his best friend's wife (who he also divorced). I wouldn't put it past him to hook up with some showgirls in Vegas... ;)

[Rahein]

I think treating scientists and humanitarians as celebrities would fix a lot of our problems. They fix major problems in the world, they deserve our respect.

What do most actors and musicians do? Entertain us and maybe point our some social issues. Why do they deserve the admiration?

[Kamala]

Just when I thought you couldn't make anything better. Jesus.

[sdh]

What do most actors and musicians do? Entertain us and maybe point our some social issues. Why do they deserve the admiration?

Actors and Musicians are brands. They have to advertise themselves in order to sell their work.

Scientists have to sell themselves too, but only to other scientists. But instead of spending a currency of celebrity, they tend to sell ideas and elegant experimental designs (also, scientists don't always have good people skills).

On the one hand it is absurd. But celebrity journalism reflects the values of our society.

On the other hand, celebrity journalism is an important business tool for actors and musicians. Don't think of them, then, as people, when they show up in the gossip sheets. Think of them as Tide, Tums, and Huggies. Only... with a human face.

[midevil]

Who are these peeople??? Thank heavens you at least included Perez! So much for celebrity artwork! Sheesh.

p.s. How many times did you piss your pants while working on this collection, 14? Readers want to know!

[Viper Tetsu]

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph in a hot tub fulla pink lemonade Slurpee: I can't stop laughing. The last guffaw sent some chewed baby carrot through my nostril. Swear to God. Each minute detail, each scalpel-precise visual and verbal slice, is chemically and structurally engineered to pants-wetting perfection.

At the risk of premature hyperbole (since you invariably set the Snark-O-Meter of Brilliance higher with staggering frequency), this is the funniest thing you've ever done; your Citizen Kane; your Sgt. Peppers...Trenchant social satire that goes down smooth but leaves the aftertaste of the best comic cognac ever fashioned. All without deriding the human beings who are the subjects.

I'm filing your deification papers now.

[Genevieve]

Mmmmmm, a magazine filled with nerds in gossip/celebrity format is kinda getting me hot. Is that wrong?

[Dr. L.]

What viper said! The snark-o-meter of Brilliance!
Truly, a high point, 14.

[Harper]

thank you so much for this post! I laughed so hard! It looks exactly like Star Magazine.

[CPTWilly]

When you said that celebrities were starting to bore you, I had NO IDEA you would take such a turn.

Pure Genius, 14. I love it!

[Kris Verburgh]

Very funny!

[sciencetard]

14,

the perez hit had me floored, why does society pontificate egomaniacs who have much ado about nothing? Reminds me of Ayn Rands book on Atlas Shrugged.....this (above) fictitious society is a invite-only access granted .....LOL sad society......sad indeed...

[javelin]

during the renaissance, these 'thinkers' would have been celebrities! I bet the the middle of each quarterly scientific journal has a gossip section, where scholars propose absurd theories to account for each other's scandalous behavior.

[rantersparadise]

Genius.

Thanks for making me choke on my food!

[Michele]

This is hilarious, you've outdone yourself!

[Patty Wack]

Too funny!!!!

[Knox Bronson]

you never cease to amaze. I can't really add anything to what everyone has already said. I did make the mistake of watching the Perez Goes Shirtless video ... big mistake. Luckily I had just eaten a light snack & am heading to the gym & i hope, by dinnertime, my subconscious will have kindly banished the memory of the doughboy to the place of forgetfulness, away from easy conscious retrieval - he is actually more unattractive on the INSIDE, don't you think?
But back to YOU, 14 - you are the BOMB. A treasure of the internets. And I love your new art blog as well. Thank you, darling! xox knox

[m8]

14-
As Perezzel would say.... BRAZILLIANT! I love that you put such a twist on our twisted celeb obsessed society!
U Rock!

[cornwall wallcorn]

Thank you for all your kind comments!

XOXO

14

[Peta]

I almost wish this were a real publication. But we all know the tabloids would never focus on people who are actually worthy of the attention.

14, would you please follow this up with a Vanity Fair-esque "Hottest Men and Women of Science" piece?

[ctg]

I was actually disappointed that there was no real Jane Goodall sexy chimp video! Does that mean there is something wrong with me?

[Deaf Feminist Punk!]

genius. I thought this was brilliant.

Fuck Perez. I fucking HATE him so much. I've stopped reading his blog a few weeks ago, and now I find myself less angry at the computer.

[Sassy]

This site is the best! I love the Perez dig.

[cherise]

what. an. awesome. post. great concept.

[robotgirl]

I work in plant genetics and I can tell you that scientists are far more interesting (not to mention beautiful inside) than celebrities could ever hope to be. Thanks for creating this entry, it truly is genius!

The quantum theory QotD had me rolling on the floor!