World Exclusive! The Scientology Boot Camp Handbook

When I spotted the "Scientology BOOT CAMP FOR KATIE!" headline on a recent copy of Star magazine, I knew I had to investigate. I called in favors from an underground cartel of international spies I associate with and demanded they secure a copy of the Scientology Boot Camp Handbook to share with my readers. While they were only able to scan four pages of the handbook before being ambushed by the SSSS (Secret Scientology Surveillance Squad), it's enough to give us a glimpse inside the secretive compound where Katie Holmes and countless others have been held. Below are the other scans in no particular order:

Star magazine claims Scientology Boot Camp consists of "grueling lie detector tests, 36-hour auditing sessions, and constant surveillance", but the magazine never mentioned the entertaining recreational activities participants enjoy during their stay. Despite the barbed wire fences and forced interrogation, Scientology boot camp can be barrels of fun. For more recreational activities, such as Wig-Making with John Travolta, take a look here.

Okay, now I'm jealous. Scientology Boot Camp victims participants get to fly in vintage DC-8 Interstellar Space Planes! Not only that, they'll sleep in a realistic-looking Mothership Dormitory. Hold me back, I'm this close to signing up!

Each handbook features a special introductory letter from Tom Cruise welcoming PCs to clear their engrams and avoid SP influence during RPF telepathic regeneration ORC assignments. Medium: Digital collage. Created in collaboration with Candy Kirby. Letter from Tom Cruise written by Candy.

Comments

[Eize]

The Mothership Dormitory looks DIVINE!

Good one, 14 and Candy!

[Knox Bronson]

I know a guy, a writer-director-producer-type, who did the Scientology Alcohol/Drug Detox Sauna program TWICE at ten grand a pop. The second time, he left in the middle of the treatment to go get drunk and came back later, to finish.
When I asked him why he was screwing around with that [Scientology] crap, he said,"There are a lot of HEAVY hitters in Scientology."
The Katie Holmes couch-jumping pic nearly made me fall off my chair! And Tom's text reminds me a lot of http://icanhascheezburger.com/, the most important site on the internets, i mean, after GOTA. Excellent, Darling, as always!

[Demon Kitty]

My mind is completely fried from studying. These Xenus are really sexy 14 - a lot sexier then the Star Jones praying mantis ones!
Knox, your comment is too fucking funny. It makes me want to go get fucked up right now! Get really good and fucked up and hang out in the fucking "Ed Wood" flying saucer dormitory.

[Vern]

um...where's Jim Jones when you need him?

[Jenn F.]

I'm not sure which made me laugh more... intergalactic walruses piloting the flight or the extra benefit of the Couch Jumping Competition... "making new friends". Holy shit that was funny. You need to put a book out. Seriously.

[midevil]

I bet Katie failed the couch session the first time. *wink wink*

[Chansmom]

Just when I thought it was safe, I noticed that Oprah has been reqruited to shill for this, on his way to hasbeenville, loser. Ugh!

Tom, tick tock, tick tock. Please retire and work/shill for the cult full time and leave us alone.

Funny stuff, 14!

[Chansmom]

And one more thing, if this thing called, $cientology is supposed to work, why is Kirstie Ally still battling her weight? Don't these super humans have the strength to over come? Isn't Tom suppose to be psychic by now? LOL! Thought so.

[coffeegod]

Vern, you rock.

14, as always, flawless.

[llism]

Holy CRAP you did sleestacks on the handbook cover!!!!! Yet another reason why I love you so.

[Centurian 10]

Please marry me Candy!!!!

[14]

IIism...

Thank you SO MUCH for noticing the Sleestak!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! The Sleestak are secretly what this post is all about.

xoxo
14

[jerms]

Oh 14, you are awesome.

Did Tom Cruise sign in blood?

Also, I just spelled it "bloord" by accident and almost left it as such. I think it's what alien blood is called.

[vern]

This is like finding a Xenu in a Sleestak!

And no, I didn't know what one was, I had to look it up. Perhaps I would have been wittier had I known!

[MK]

Genius as usual 14, good to see you back here on GotA. I also noticed the Sleestaks, now if only there was a celebrity that would inspire an H.R. Pufnstuf painting, I'd probably skip paying my tuition so I could have it.

[Kipling]

Ugh, est. There's $400 and two weekends of my life I'll never get back. But I'm ok with that. And you're an asshole. And we're all machines. And you are responsible for your life. Be where you are. Boo!

[Thorne Smith]

BWA HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Forgive my caps, but I did laugh out loud when I saw the Scientology Boot Camp Handbook. And those Sleestacks were the icing on the cake.

[cloe]

the top picture of the aliens reminds me of the sleestacks from the tv show land of the lost(from the 70's).

[Eize]

OT: a comment made by someone in an LJ community inspired me to create this. I used the Tom image from one of your wonderful creations. Hope you don't mind.

[cindy]

Seriously, I think this is really what they hand you when you become a member. Complimentary barley water upon signing on the dotted line.

xo
Cindy

[Lucy]

LOL...couch jumping. I LOVE those things from Land of the Lost!!!!!

[seabiscuit]

I have fond memories of The Land of the Lost and those cool sleestaks especially Enik the gold vested head sleestak who was from the past who was stuck there like The Marshall family. Wish they would come out with a LOTL movie. Chaka, Dopey, pylons, crossbows...ah the memories...

[Marie]

14 what can I say? This is creative genius. And good laughs! ;D