If Rothko Had Painted Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt

Each time I glance at a photo of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, all I'm able to see is a blur of predictable colors (see below). Take for example all those ridiculous staged photos of them prancing about on the beach. Their hair dissolves into a floating rectangle of yellow-blonde. Exposed flesh translates into large amounts of peach and light orange, which dominates the image. If they're smiling, flashes of blinding white might appear. Depending on what color bikini Heidi is wearing, lurid infusions of hot pink or zebra print cuts through the monotony of the flesh and sand tones and reminds the viewer that they're almost naked, but not quite.

Mark Rothko (1903 - 1970) was a Russian born American artist best known for his large-scale paintings of cloud-like rectangular forms of color floating against a solid color background. I seriously doubt he'd find any interest in painting the vapidity and force-fed "entertainment" that Heidi and Spencer represent, but if he did choose to paint them, this is how I imagine the canvas would look. Medium: Oil on linen with a splash of digital paint.

Heidi and Spencer as they appear to me. Remarkably, you can still recognize them.

Wouldn't it be amusing to remove all the headlines from this Rolling Stone cover...except for the one on top?

Comments

[Knox Bronson]

You have to read that book I told you about ... "The Pinball Theory of the Apocalypse," about the LA artist who gets famous making perfect forgeries of great paintings with celebrity faces ... i.e., Cher's face on the Mona Lisa ...
You are remarkable, 14. Beautiful work!
$25,000 a night? Wow. What a strange world those people must live in.

[Lucy]

Very cool. Now if they only looked like that in real life they would be much more pleasant to look at.

[ChaosbyDesign]

Being close to Dali I'm no fan of Rothko , but your interpritation and genius is as usual........superb

xoxo
L

[Jan Willem]

I continue to marvel at the workings of your mind, 14! However, I don't think that this associative process works quite as well in the opposite direction. In the distant past - 1987, to be exact - I was much impressed by a Rothko show at the London Tate Gallery. Although I will confess that these abstract paintings made me think and feel many things, airheads in skimpy beach wear were not foremost in my mind...

[Lynnster]

Those were hands down the lamest, most staged photos I've ever seen outside of a Sears catalog. Their subtlety rivals those old "See what a great mom Joan Crawford is?" photo ops. Yeah, 'cuz we all know life with Joan Crawford was JUST like this!!! Well, until a wire coat hanger showed up, anyhow.

When US Magazine is calling you cheesy? Wow. That's bad.

[Viper Tetsu]

Bwaha! Brilliant, and eerily apropos. I couldn't pick either of these twonks out of a police lineup to save my life.

[Chansmom]

Call me a loser, but I have no idea who she or he is. I've heard of The Hills, but I suppose I'm not in that demo. LOL!

At least I know there are others that see the same thing I do when I see her and him in a magazine.

[Kate]

The early (fuzzy) paintings of Gerhard Richter would be a good way to depict these two annoying, talentless non-entities (only blurrier). I can't understand how they got to be so famous. True celebutards. At least I can say with a clear conscience that I have never seen The Hills, but I am ashamed that I even know who they are.

[Rebecca]

I actually prefer 14's version of the Prat's than the original... More finesse, more refined, classy :)
Why does Heidi always pose with her mouth open? Any clues on that?

[Jenn F.]

They are the perfect example of all that is wrong with the world.

[Demon Kitty]

Memories of the Rothko chapel from the Big Filthy City ... I really should have spent more time in there. This is wonderful 14! Now the idea of the Montag/ Spencer horse shit spin will be less painful in my mind.

"the monotony of the flesh" - that's a really good way to describe all of Hollywood, although you may not have been doing that.

What do I see when I look at the Spencer/Montag mucilage? I see a screaming queen and a bleached blonde whose cup size is bigger than her brain.

To Chansmom: Be happy you don't know who the fuck they are, I honestly believe those 2 are destroying my gray matter a million cells at a time or more.

[Kirsten]

I can totally identify with this post. Its as though I wanted to say the same thing but couldn't put my finger on it!
Thanks!

[vern]

I love the painting, can't stand the subject matter.

[Jenn F.]

Oh my God I just somehow sat through that TMZ clip of Spencer filming Heidi's video... it was freaking hilarious.

All she did was prance around on the beach in a pink bikini, flapping her arms around, lip-synching to her crappy song playing on their ghetto blaster. Other than that she just got on her knees every twenty seconds and stuck her ass up in the air doggy-style while opening her mouth as wide as she could... oh Jesus it was too funny/sad for words.

[midevil]

I don't even know who the hills are.

[glenn maguire]

Riotous.

[Laura @ Hungry and Frozen]

I love what you've done here. Thanks for the link as well, had never heard of Rothko so was interesting to read up on him...Your "If X had painted X" segments are probably my favourite :)

[Roy N]

Ah, the smell of Juane de Cadmium Clair in the air!! Colour Clair.

[Marie]

If only we were capable of hazing them out of our daily consciousness. Thanks for expressing my frustration with these two grotesque and ridiculous fools.

[Cathy McCann]

Huh, pretty interesting...14 hey? I just saw something similar on youtube about this but it's a bit clearer after reading your comments here. Now the only question is what the future holds for them...