Gallery of the Absurd

Deconstructing Beauty Cream Ads

The NanoRevive beauty cream ad you see above isn’t real, but it could be.  I’ve been poring through fashion and beauty magazines lately and studied ad claims found in many of the skin care products and found the following common elements:

• Scientific imagery such as DNA strands or chains of molecules are pictured swirling provocatively around the product. Sensational scientific terms such as nano, cellular and matrix give the impression the product was created by white-coat wearing Swiss scientists.

• Lots of flowers, preferably shown dappled with dew.  Yes, you too can be fresh as a blossom on a Spring morn.

• Abundant use of words beginning with the letter R - regenerate, renew, refresh, revitalize, reduced, restore, resculpt, replenish, restructure, radiant, rejuvinate, etc.

• Patent-pending “exclusive formulas” with silly names like Pro-Xylane, Matrixl 3000, Survival Molecules, Nannochloropsis oculata, (and no I did not make those up).

• An unflattering, poorly lit before photo placed next to a fresh, brightened and obviously photoshopped after photo.

I couldn’t help but laugh at some of the ingredients many of these creams claimed would “turn back the clock”.  One product promised obsidian (common volcanic glass) “discovered on the legendary island of Pantelleria” would regenerate, restore and revitalize skin’s natural beauty.  Hmm, I wonder if they’ll give me a refund on the $400 they charge for it. Medium: photoshop composite.

Paris Hilton Caught in Paparazzi Photo with New Lover

It's official, our new site Circus Hour is now live! We're still in process of redirecting URLs, but in the meantime, please go to CIRCUS HOUR from now on for all my new updates...including the debut of Paris Hilton's official Freak Show Poster. I have to HAND it to Paris, she really makes a nice looking circus freak. You have to experience it first HAND to see why.

Valentines Galore!

Looking for an assortment of romantic sentiment and passionate prose to send your sweetie? Look no further.

What could be more romantic than Paris Hilton and her giant paws engaged in a booze-addled passionate grope with Jared Leto during a late night public make-out session in a smoky LA nightclub?

Don't have a special someone to shower with gifts of waxy Whitman's Samplers and mylar balloon bouquets this Valentine's Day? Despair not. Love yourself!

Okay, this one was created under the following conditions: 1.) Artist is sick with flu 2.) Artist is taking large doses of flu medication 3.) Artist isn't fond of Valentine's Day and 4.) Artist found this photograph amusing. Click on the image to see the hot Valentine excitement.

Are you infected with a sense of burning fiery passion and itching desire when you think fondly of your beloved? Then this is the card for you. (photo from Big Pictures)

If celebrity-sullied valentines aren't for you, here's a few your sweetheart might like...

My friend and I were sitting in a cafe. The subject of men came up and I asked her how she felt about the current guy she was dating. No words came out of her mouth, she simply made this face. Her expression told me everything I needed to know and so we moved on to the next subject.

Nothing says romance like a crazy rum-sodden pirate. Medium: Nyquil, bad photoshop, ink and acrylic on paper. Celebrity cards created in collaboration with my partner in crime, Candy Kirby.

Star Jones Finds New Job With Family Dollar Store

Star Jones Reynolds hasn’t had much luck in the employment department over the past couple years, from famously getting dumped by Barbara Walters to recently having TruTV ax “The Star Jones Show” after only a six-month run. But wait…! No need to open your wallet and donate to the Star Jones Giuseppe Zanotti Stiletto Fund just yet. Thankfully, Star has landed on her feet with a new, glamorous position for which she must travel all over the country — and we were lucky enough to get the media coverage of her first day on the job:

Best wishes to Star in her exciting new job! Credits: Photo collage and graphics by 14, post and newspaper article written by Candy Kirby.

Beckham's Chinese Condoms Are Number One

When a Chinese condom manufacturer made the wise decision to slap David Beckham's smooth golden image onto a box of poorly selling condoms, they immediately watched sales skyrocket to number one in China. Beckham didn't approve the use of his image and he's not endorsing or making any profit from it (Poor Posh, just imagine all the day-glo Hermes bags she's missing out on hoarding).

It's amazing how one can take a bunch of flimsy rubber, cram it in a box, add a picture of a pretty soccer player on the front...and then sit back and watch the profits roll in. I'm in the wrong business, I tell ya. What many of you don't know is that it was I who designed the Beckham condoms box. Yes, it's true...I have lucrative International Chinese connections. The winning design is above, but below, I'm sharing the rejected designs I submitted:

Sitting in the boardroom of the International Abundant Wai Hung Chemical Plastics and Beef Manufacturing Concern, LLC, I explained to the large group of managers and board members that sometimes reality is more compelling than fantasy. So why not use a raw paparazzi photo of Becks instead of some slick, overly Photoshopped image? I told them reality TV and paparazzi-captured candids were really hot in the US, but after much deliberation, myself and the 120 managers didn't see eye to eye. Design REJECTED.

When this image came up in the presentation, I heard a hushed murmur race across the meeting room. Some of the men became flushed, a few appeared to be sweating....and several started fanning themselves until the more composed others shot them a look that brought forth the clearing of throats and a shifting in the seats. "Well, what do you think of this one?", I chirped. The room was silent for a few moments as nervous glances were exchanged. The room became warm and humid, the windows fogged...and then the chairman let out a resounding "NO!" Design REJECTED. Medium: photo composite, created in collaboration with Candy Kirby.

I'm still on hiatus, but the new site is launching this month. I'll spill the beans with all the details soon.