When a
Chinese condom manufacturer made the wise decision to slap
David Beckham's smooth golden image onto a box of poorly selling condoms, they immediately watched
sales skyrocket to number one in China. Beckham didn't approve the use of his image and he's not endorsing or making any profit from it (Poor Posh, just imagine all the
day-glo Hermes bags she's missing out on hoarding).
It's amazing how one can take a bunch of flimsy rubber, cram it in a box, add a picture of a pretty soccer player on the front...and then sit back and watch the profits roll in. I'm in the wrong business, I tell ya. What many of you don't know is that it was I who designed the Beckham condoms box. Yes, it's true...I have lucrative International Chinese connections. The winning design is above, but below, I'm sharing the rejected designs I submitted:
Sitting in the boardroom of the
International Abundant Wai Hung Chemical Plastics and Beef Manufacturing Concern, LLC, I explained to the large group of managers and board members that sometimes reality is more compelling than fantasy. So why not use a raw paparazzi photo of Becks instead of some slick, overly Photoshopped image? I told them reality TV and paparazzi-captured candids were really hot in the US, but after much deliberation, myself and the 120 managers didn't see eye to eye. Design REJECTED.
When this image came up in the presentation, I heard a hushed murmur race across the meeting room. Some of the men became flushed, a few appeared to be sweating....and several started fanning themselves until the more composed
others shot them a look that brought forth the clearing of throats and a shifting in the seats. "Well, what do you think of this one?", I chirped. The room was silent for a few moments as nervous glances were exchanged. The room became warm and humid, the windows fogged...and then the chairman let out a resounding "NO!" Design REJECTED.
Medium: photo composite, created in collaboration with Candy Kirby.
Shame. I really like the last one.
Posted by: Jujupiter | February 02, 2008 at 06:59 AM
God that is so effin' funny. 14 you are SO talented. I had an idea for a Britney image this morning, do you remember those old English images of the wealthy being entertained by watching the inmates of a lunatic asylum? I can't remember if they were 18 or 19th century images, or if they were paintings or engravings. I think they may have been images of Bedlam. I think that's a great metaphor for Britney now.
Posted by: Wendy | February 02, 2008 at 09:15 AM
That last one made me spit my drink out!
I think they should call the condoms "love you long time" and call it a day.
Posted by: Jessica | February 02, 2008 at 09:48 AM
i think i just pee'd a little.
cant wait to see the new site!
Posted by: tala | February 02, 2008 at 10:32 AM
I love the new graphics, but I'm sorry to see the extra "lead and toxins" go. I was starting to like that extra "tingle".
Posted by: Vern | February 02, 2008 at 01:38 PM
"Now with less lead and toxins" - that hardly sounds like a product anyone should get intimate with. Gotta say 'Bedroom eye' really should've been a winner in the matey regular-guy-like-us scheme of things.
Posted by: Earl | February 02, 2008 at 01:49 PM
LESS lead and toxins? So how much are left?
Posted by: MK | February 02, 2008 at 08:09 PM
The chinese characters on the top means "long lasting", and the ones on the left means "prevents early ejaculation". This is spot on!
Posted by: tiffy | February 03, 2008 at 05:23 AM
You are SO mean!!! imagine how the last box would sell in the castro.
Glad you took a break from the new site to post something here on GOTA ... we all need a little 14 fix every so often!
thank you beautiful!
Posted by: Knox Bronson | February 03, 2008 at 02:09 PM
You are hysterical 14!
I love the very last image. How perfect. His ass with his legs in the air.
You have cheered me up as a slave away for the evil accounting test I have on Wednesday night - specially created by my evil proffessor: Dr Jeckle and Mister Hyde.
Posted by: Demon Kitty | February 03, 2008 at 03:27 PM
You mean no one wants lead in their orifices? I don't understand.
In the first picture, he looks like he is straight out of International Male.
The man is gay.
Posted by: Demon Kitty | February 04, 2008 at 04:02 PM
I'd like to see Mr Beckham model these.
Miss you 14,
xoxo
Gilmore
Posted by: gilmore | February 06, 2008 at 08:00 AM
I like the bedroom eyes the best. And does less lead an toxins mean they are gone completely or just less? I don't think I could do without them.
Posted by: Elizebeth | February 06, 2008 at 03:14 PM
How the hell did you manage to take the funniest paparazzi photo of all time and make it funnier? Rock on, genius girl.
Posted by: Viper Tetsu | February 06, 2008 at 08:42 PM
The Bedroom Eye!!! ROFLMAOASM (and crapping myself) seriously i almost did and i've also been constipated for a few days.. so hopefully this will help. Thanks, bye
-twist
Posted by: twist | February 09, 2008 at 06:53 AM
wwwwwooooooooowwwwwwwwwww!!!!!
I like the position hes in on the last one
Posted by: Blythe ann dandrea | March 25, 2008 at 04:16 PM
De nem tudjátok hogy ez itt milyen nyelv ti tahók
Posted by: Nedudgi | April 09, 2008 at 04:29 PM
That's funny but saddly it's japanese D:
Posted by: marikojuu | October 16, 2008 at 04:08 AM