Gwyneth Paltrow's Beauty Secrets

Much buzz has been circulating regarding the new issue of W magazine. Gwyneth Paltrow appears on the cover, yet there's a slight problem: It doesn't look a thing like Gwyneth Paltrow! My first thought after seeing the image was "Wow, that snake venom beauty cream she's using has really done wonders for her looks." Then cold reality set in. It's all just photoshop, makeup and spackle contributing to her new "comeback" look. I've said it once and I'll say it again...I really wish W would offer me a job as Head Touch Up Artist/Magician in charge of their covers. Medium: Photo composite, digital paint.

Comments

[Rafter]

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[kdl]

yeahhhhh, i saw this frankengwyneth the other day and was horrified. she's trying on an angelina stare/pout and it ain't happening.

[midevil]

Yeah, her skin tone looks much better here!
Great job, eh!

[Viper Tetsu]

You've just come up with Gwyneth's new look for that remake-happy-Hollywood redux of LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM! Sublime.

Bonus points for the pungent eco-awareness jab in the cover text.

[Elizebeth]

10 lbs of adds~ thats my favorite part, because it's TRUE! Not that the snake venom wasnt, but it's always the little details that make everything fantastic.

[Ann]

Wow, in the words of Whitney Huston "Hell to the No"! As in "no way"! That is NOT Paltrow but some reject from Americas Top Model. That's just plain icky. Love your picture and commentary.

[kiki]

The "10 Pounds of Ads" blurb is what makes it for me.

[Eize]

I still couldn't believe it when I saw the pic over at ohnotheydidnt. Did she have something DONE?!? 0_o

I'm astonished, because this wonderful creation reminded me of a 1980's Filipino flick called Zuma. Course, Zuma has TWO snakes coming out of his shoulders: http://www.internationalhero.co.uk/z/zuma.htm. In this instance, I'll call GP Galema, after Zuma's daughter. :)

Awesome!

[NotReally]

Well, hello. Preparing a magazine cover is a form of art, too. There is no point in putting a "out of the bed" photograph to the cover.

[Josh Maday]

That photo at Style is creepy. Maybe they started with an image of Gwyneth Paltrow, but it's obvious she didn't last very long. Looks like a young cyborg Cybill Shepherd.

[beba]

The tranny look is just not doing it for Gwynnie. I'll keep my own beauty secrets and skip the snake venom...

[Natalija]

The other photos have her with a cane and crutches. When did she have a gimp sex fetish? That would be awesome to draw, and I'm a gimp myself.

[scungilli]

well, first of all, it's the eyebrows. gp's are blonde and sparse. take a black magic marker to your own, and see the difference! a wonderful take on faked up truth. thanks!

[Demon Kitty]

Snake Venom??? Black sheep embryos? Celebrity's desperation for being beautiful reminds me of Erzebet Bathory slaughtering young girls and bathing in their blood.

Snake venom ain't doing nothing for Gwyneth. She is not aging well. In the early 90's, I was taken by her. I remember her blonde bob, I thought she was so gorgeous and of course, it was even better that she was Blythe Danner's daughter. The older she gets, the more she looks like Bruce. Cut your hair Gwyneth for fuck's sake!!! It will do wonders for you! You know 14, this picture of Gwyneth kinda looks like your pic of Travolta in drag. Their eyes are too close together.

[Ophelia]

14, your magazine cover parodies are always hilarious, but I think this one is my favorite by far! Gwyneth looks like she could be a mutant character in X-Men here. Lovin' the 10 lbs. of ads, too! Excellent work.

[DonnaJEM]

I love your rendition of this cover. The actual picture is scarry as shit.

The one thing I do like about it though is her hair! I would kill for her hair! I do have to keep reminding myself it's been "shopped."

The makeup is just awful, the shading on her cheeks makes her face look like an hourglass, and her eyebrows are too dark. She looks like a tranny.

[Erik]

How odd of them to warp her look. I thought she was beautiful before and now she looks like a plastic Hollowood tart. Yawn!

Nicely redone cover! If I were a mag publisher, you'd be hired in a heartbeat!

[jj]

I was watching a special on the origins of Second City, which included a super young Tina Fey and a super young Rachel Datch and their super young beginnings. I was amazed to see how normal and human they looked--compared to the Tina and Rachel now on Third Rock. Their look has been completely Hoolywod-ized; the hair, the diets, the copious amounts of lipgloss, the make-up... any vestige of individuality gone, replaced by Image. Even Rachel, who is just so unique looking, is currently looking rather generic--like her people just strive to remove as much character from her looks as possible, trying to shove her into the same mold as all other stars.

Same goes for this magazine cover. The only pics I've seen of Gwyneth lately (who, by the way, I consider an incredibly average actress who was lucky enough to have the connections she did 'cuz of her parents (the usual boring Hollywood story)) have been of her in jeans or a hippie skirt, happily carting around her long-haired and interestingly-named children. But now: Hollywood strikes again, and we are supposed to blindly accept this image of her as a Golden Goddess...

I love the details, 14! Thinner thighs, bigger boobs, pimping babies for cash, snake venom, Gwyneth's zombie-like complexion... Yep, it's all there!

[Lily]

Totally...whazzup with Gwynnie absconding with Brooke Shield's "back in the day" eyebrows, anyway? That was TOO weird. GP always looks way too insipid/anemic/pale/whiney for me anyway, and now she's supposed to look...different? Highly doubtful. Love the 10 lbs. of ads, too. Way too true...

[Lia]

10 lbs of ADs hahahaha

[Adam Smith]

Browsing through the comments section here, I came across the expression "faked up truth".This is a proposition that would even have Wittgenstein confused.One does'nt expect philosophical anomalies to just pop out of the blue like this,kicking you in the teeth into the bargain.As a consequence of this semiotic hijacking,I was stuck in an intellectual loop for almost three hours,
blankly staring at the computer like I was waiting for extra data input.

Luckily,I'm looking after a friend's Pitbull Terrier at the moment.
He roused himself from his usual regimen,of lying on the living room,expelling farts that smell like Satan's breath and started overenthusiastically licking my face,accidently biting my chin in the process.This bought me back to consensus thought patterns,reminding me where I was,as well as what I was doing.
If it had'nt been for this dumb animal's intervention I could have stayed like this for days.

Obviously,this is the fate that befell poor Gwyneth.She was probably thumbing through some sort of style or fashoin magazine,when she chanced upon a casual remark or statement whose unintentional metaphysical implications caused her to de-activate temporarily.While in this catatonic state some nanobots upgraded her to Gwyneth 2.0,then a passing photographer happened upon her and decided to document the transformation.Unfortunately,there were no dogs around to snap her back into reality.

This is the most plausible explanation I can think of.Why do people need to invoke mythical programs like Photoshop?

[Adam Smith]

Sorry to hear about the continuing problem with Bee populations in California by the way.

I read an article about it in the Independent about six months ago.Reading between the lines,what became clear,to me,was that the diminution of Bee populations by viral infections in that region was most likely due to the
(mis)application of economies of scale, along with intensive farming methods by the apiarists.The scientists researching the problem did'nt even seem to consider this a possible cause,although how closely they were connected with local Agribusiness was unclear...

But who cares about all that stuff any way?

Slap some Camel spunk on your face and you too can look like a Nazi Robot,chanelling the spirit of Leni Riefenstahl.

Is it just me,or does the W picture look,kind of,vaguely Fascistic?
Does the interview feature Gwyneth's views on "Kirche, Kueche, Kinder",(church, kitchen, children.),along with the homespun wisdom of Mein Kampf?

How unfortunate that the ahistorical fuckwits who work for that rag have chosen imagery associated with the destruction of most of Europe to get her career back on track.Not the best of choices really.

[Siduri]

I think she looks like Marsha Brady.

[Freyja]

That is a horrible pic of her! Why did that mag do that to her??? I've always loved her ads she does for Estee Lauder. She looks so amazing in those, very classic beauty like herself.

[andrea]

Ya know, this looks only very, very slightly more ghoulishly photo-shopped than the actual cover. Funny how instantly iconic this picture became. (?!) Are we THAT hungry for pictures of that one? Are we THAT jaded by the young, wild and derailed set that is ruling the media that this seems so...well, boring??? That's right!! I want my stars OUTTA CONTIZZY>>>not just putting snake spit on their pusses. Thank you.

Have bees really disappered from Nappa Valley? Whoa. That is sad and disturbing.

I hope you enjoy the media shower.
I mean the METEOR shower!!!!

[Demon Kitty]

Dear Adam,

Hollywood is aryan as fuck. I can hear Hitler blowing his load right now.

DK

[Adam Smith]

Siduri Wrote:

I think she looks like Marsha Brady.

Which is exactly my point.

The Brady Bunch is perhaps the most terrifying example of fascistic concepts of the ideal family unit to penetrate the mainstream,ever,(with the exception of Hope and Faith).

It's all in the metanarrative,all in the metanarrative.You don't need to be no semiologist or nothing to work that out.

[Sara]

funnily enough, gwenyth has been trying to look as white as possible these past 5 years or so. Before all the bleaching and plastic surgery, the girl looked typically jewish with frizzy curly dark hair, a big round nose and larger lips. She has tweaked the nose enormously, bleached her hair out of existence and thinned out her lips! She wants to be as whiteish as possible. SAD.

[Biscuit]

I think her new cover is bitchin'.