Gallery of the Absurd

Photoshop in a Can: Star Jones Edition

Just a few short years ago, Star Jones was a bloated biomass who draped herself in the pelts of dead animals while gobbling up media attention with the same gusto as she gobbled up bacon double cheeseburgers. Now, thanks to gastric bypass surgery and the magic of Photoshop in a Can, she has a brand new look and a brand new job.

Even though Star Jones is no longer obese, she still loves to adorn her diva self with loads of fur. She was thrilled to learn she can use Photoshop in a Can to airbrush away her mink coat anytime she finds herself confronted by those pesky folks from PETA. She carries a purse-sized can of the stuff with her at all times. Medium: Photos of dead rats, snarling possums, lifeless foxes, a squirrel that tried to attack me at the park (seriously), a mutilated cow left behind by space aliens, and Star Jones.

Star might be using a wee bit too much Photoshop in a Can. She's gone and made herself look like a cross between a venus flytrap and a wet praying mantis. Stop now while you can Star! There's no revert or undo button! Medium: ink, acrylic on paper, digital color.

If you'd like to see definitive proof that Gallery of the Absurd provides you with only the most accurate celebrity depictions, then please click here.

Photoshop in a Can: Rumer Willis Edition

Rumer Willis, daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, has faced much criticism and deep speculation regarding the size of her chin. She's been compared to Mr. Potato Head, accused of looking like a human "fun house mirror", given nicknames such as "The Chin", "Chinzilla" and "Egg Head". One may also find numerous blog post comments about Rumer being the love child of Jay Leno or Andre The Giant. Rumors (I refuse to utilize a witty pun here because it's too painfully easy) are circulating about Rumer's "chin shaving" cosmetic surgery, but we all know she's using Photoshop in a Can. Personally, I think the kid looks fine with her chin. At least she stands out from the cookie-cutter starlets who all seem to blur together in a soft focus haze of blonde, boobs and botox.

Photoshop in a Can: Perez Hilton Edition

Photoshop in a Can is potent enough to transform these images (be sure to click the link, it's worth it) of Perez Hilton into the vision of beckoning, hard-bodied male perfection you see above. Employees of the Sunset Boulevard Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf (Perez's "office") claimed they hadn't seen Perez the past few days, but they did notice a gorgeous male model sitting where Perez usually sits. Apparently this guy sprays himself with Photoshop in a Can while eating muffins and working on his laptop - could it be Perez himself?

Medium: oil pastel, acrylic on paper.

Medium: Photoshop chop up of images consisting of Google image search terms "hot gay male model in swimsuit" and "Perez Hilton".

The Most Miraculous Product Ever Created: Photoshop Beauty Spray

Photoshop, the world's most widely used photo retouching software, has caused a massive shake-up in the cosmetic, fitness and plastic surgery industries after launching its newest product, Photoshop in a Can. Insiders claim this new form of sprayable Photoshop will eliminate the need for cosmetics, hair styling products, fitness centers and elective cosmetic surgery . Analysts predict the product will cause the beauty industry to collapse and thousands of jobs will be cut. Hair salons and gyms across the world will shut down. The City of Beverly Hills, CA has called in the National Guard to assist with the angry swarms of protesting plastic surgeons and personal fitness trainers. Photoshop in a Can promises effortless beauty and perfection with one push of a button. Madonna, Gwen Stefani, and many others are said to be hoarding cases of the stuff. Even the President of France is said to use it. Now, even the most homely individual can achieve the illusion of impossible beauty and unattainable perfection so widely pumped out by today's media. Truly a miracle in a can.

Photoshop in a Can was used for the Britney Spears Allure magazine shoot. Sources say Britney arrived at the photo shoot as a dishelved mess. Her makeup was 3 days old, her wig was fried, and it looked like she hadn't bathed in days. No problem, Photoshop in a Can transformed her into a comely young vixen with a tight body and soft flowing hair....all with just one touch of a button. Medium: graphite and ink on paper, Photoshop. Photo from Allure.com

Over the course of the next few days, I'll post additional awe-inspiring before and after images of celebrities who use Photoshop in a Can.

What We Talk About When We Talk About Amy Winehouse

It's very confusing keeping up with the latest Amy Winehouse news. Some say she canceled her August tour because of exhaustion, others claim she overdosed on a heroin-infused cocktail of ecstacy, cocaine and horse tranquilizers. Insiders claim Amy stumbles about like a dead-eyed zombie while others prefer to focus on her singing talent. Has she checked into rehab or not? No one knows. Other discussions involve Amy's shocking skeletal frame, or her tendency to wear the same old pair of filthy ballet slippers everyday, or her missing tooth. Oh, and the hair, let's not forget the hair. Will Amy get her act together and go on to enjoy a successful career? Or will she end up in the gutter, clutching an empty bottle of vodka while a family of rats wait patiently for her to slip into unconsciousness so they can build a warm winter nest in her hair? Only time will tell. Medium: acrylic on board.

Courtney Love Exposes Her Body and Mind

Courtney Love's Latest MySpace Blog Entry
Friday, August 17, 2007

im in new issue of harpers bizarre. stripped bare except for diamond necklace. sorry, NOT a pearl necklace, this isn't penthouse, u dirty pigs. heh. shot by the ponytialed prince of cool himself Karl Lagerfeld. me and lagerfeld. lagerfeld and me. take THAT and stuf it in ur L.A.M.B. Stefani! heh.this is in now way a response to alleged reports on blogs an dibn tabloids that my body looks "airbrushed" (where there actually was hardly any). my body looks damn good. thesse accusations of airbrushed things beyond my thighs and boobs and abs and face are crap. drinking 8 ensures a day, tons of antioxidents and good stuff plus carbs GOOD casrbs and its made my cheeks and mouth not so sunken, and THATS why my body look younger than my daughters. hear that cuddle bear sweeetoe pie Rossdale? im a REAL woman, well except my nose and lips which im gonna RESTORE to NATURAL, who uses antioxidents and colonics to lose the weight and look seXXXy, unlike a cert[ain hollaback girl whos a bulimic liar just like the rest of them. broccoli and fish my asss. so if u get tired of being with a chick who lies and very mucbh wants to be p[opular abnd accepted, wants be trendy but not dangerous, then u know where to find me. ill be waiting. just hanging out, eating sprinkles cupcakes and burning sum of those stupid overrpriced sportsacs heh. okay, im gonna delete this post, im not biting that shittty bait from the blogs an dibn tabloids. right after I detox and have a pack of ciggies.

Cork

Post written Courtney Love-style by Candy of Holy Candy. Medium: Watercolor, colored pencil on paper.

Gallery of the Absurd Finds New Home At NBC's DotComedy

I'm very pleased to announce that GOTA has joined DotComedy, NBC Universal's broadband channel devoted to comedy. The official press release is below, or you can click here for a more readable version. I've got all sorts of surprises coming up for you and I thank you for your support and encouragement over the years.

Child Rearin' and Drivin' Tips From Britney

Are you sick and tired of your kids ruining all your fun? Do you yearn to party with strippers all night, grope strangers in pools, and jet off to Las Vegas on a whim, but your kids are holding you back? Can't find enough parked cars to ram your Mercedes into? Not sure which side of the road to drive? Do you find child-safety seats a big hassle? Then you need Britney Spears' comprehensive and educational new book, "Britney's Drivin' Manual and Parentin' Tips." You'll learn to balance the demands of parenthood while actively pursuing the 24/7 party lifestyle of a fallen pop star. Britney's tips are so easy, anyone can do it! Here's a sample excerpt:

"Sometimes it's so hard to party with yer friends when the babies won't stop cryin' y'all. To keep them lil' critters quiet, I just pour sodey pop in their bottles and they hush right up. If y'all is concerned about what the sugar will do to their teeth, don't worry, you can just take 'em to the dentist to git their teeth whitened. Oh, and you will not believe this y'all, but I done learned that if ya feed yer youngins a big bowl of ice cream before bed, the cold will make 'em sleepy. That's right y'all, I know the secrets pediatricians won't tell you."

Medium: ink on paper, digital color, pixie dust. Thanks Neal for the inspiration.

Gwyneth Paltrow's Beauty Secrets

Much buzz has been circulating regarding the new issue of W magazine. Gwyneth Paltrow appears on the cover, yet there's a slight problem: It doesn't look a thing like Gwyneth Paltrow! My first thought after seeing the image was "Wow, that snake venom beauty cream she's using has really done wonders for her looks." Then cold reality set in. It's all just photoshop, makeup and spackle contributing to her new "comeback" look. I've said it once and I'll say it again...I really wish W would offer me a job as Head Touch Up Artist/Magician in charge of their covers. Medium: Photo composite, digital paint.

John Travolta in Drag Makes For Scary Cinema

Travolta in drag

More terrifying than all

four Saw flicks combined.

Medium: oil pastel, acrylic, collage, charcol on paper, digital text. Haiku written by Viper Tetsu. More of his haiku can be seen at "In The Future, Everyone Will Be Haiku'ed For 15 Minutes.