Kooky Hollywood Moms: Dina Lohan

Today's post written by one of my favorite bloggers, Candy from Holy Candy. Dina Lohan, mom-ager extraordinaire, is many things: an enabler; cleavage advocate; fame-seeker; imaginary Rockette; and, of course, white people’s answer to Oprah. But don’t you dare call her Lindsay’s mother. Dina tells Harper’s Bazaar she's more like a sister to Lindsay – hitting the clubs with her and wearing her hand-me-downs – and sometimes introduces herself as her daughter's personal assistant. She even once lied about her identity to none other than George Clooney. "I don't want them to know I'm her mom," she said. "It's a whole 'nother demographic. People just go dark."

Don’t worry, Dina! It’s our little secret.

No word on whether George took the cougar bait; however, Dina continues to take Hollywood by storm. The 44-year-old (ssshhh!) hasn’t let her daughter’s li’l DUI debacle or any semblance of maternal instincts diminish her love for the spotlight. Nope, the intermittently present mother figure has courageously forged ahead, using her daughter’s time in rehab to score tabloid interviews and some young tail. You go, girl!

In her quest for the “Mother…,” er… I mean “Big Sister of the Year” award, Dina has even found a way to make use of future meal tickets/VIP pass providers/rehab guests, Ali and Cody, a.k.a. Lindsay’s youngest siblings. (Did you really think “A Lohan Holiday” would be sufficient, Ali? I DON’T THINK SO. Momma needs a fame fix!) Yes, Dina has pitched a show to E!, a network with a known soft spot for drug-addled train wrecks.

“The cameras will follow me as I make myself, er… make my kids famous,” Dina suggested. Or something to that effect. The suits were no doubt intrigued. With any luck, the network executives likely thought, Lindsay’s two younger siblings will also self-destruct before the cameras while under the tender tutelage of their Mom-Ager. Ratings gold!

To those who question her tireless, offspring-driven search of a red carpet, Dina gives the one-finger salute. "I'm living the American dream, and [those who don’t like it] can go..." Dina told Harper’s Bazaar (before leaning back to bask in the reflected glow of her daughter’s sullied star). Mother of the Year, indeed. Medium: graphite, ink on paper, digital color. Thanks Candy.

Here's Dina Lohan's newest wallet photo.

Comments

[Alex]

That's fantastic!

:)

[Elizebeth]

Wow, what a day to post this one......was it by accident or did you here the news and load it up?
Either way its great, but she's such a sad person and her family is suffering for it.

[Jen]

I love your work 14! You're the best.

This woman is crazy. So is her ex. Lindsay never had a chance in hell...

[LittleOracle]

Again, 14, love the work! When you announced your Hollywood Moms line, I was WAITING for this one!

Dina is the absolute worst excuse for a mom. Any mother who has a thing about trying on her daughter's clothes and then posing as her sister seriously needs to grow up. I'd blame her for how her daughter turned out and that's sad because out of all those stupid girls (i.e., Paris, Britney, Nicole...) Lindsay actually has talent. What a waste.

[Thorne Smith]

14, you never fail to amaze me! It seems as if teen Hollywood is starting to tailspin at an accelerated pace…and I'm getting a perverse amount of joy from it all.

The vacant stare from the "Mommy's Little Angel" photo is priceless.

[gilmore]

What a great combination of talent! I love your work 14 and Candy's writing from HolyCandy. Absolutely excellent! The illustration has such a beautiful vintage circus poster feel which adds perfectly to the point of this piece. I also enjoy Dinah's collapsing sun damaged chest and veneers!
Well done you two.
xoxo
Gilmore

[Britney's Bald Head]

What a great team you and Candy make! Awesome work all around.

[Jenn]

The kooky mom series is among your best 14. And that is saying a lot because everything you do here is bang on.
The apple has not fallen far from the tree with the Lohan clan. Very pathetic. Maybe mom and dad will finally come to the realization they need to do something about their pitiful lost child.

[DonnaJEM]

Fantastic job, yet again 14.
Love the chicklet teeth and grapefruit boobies.

I sure hope Linds gets some tough love. She's LOOOOOOONG overdue.
Anyone else, except in Hollyweird, arrested for DUI, suspended license AND coke possession, would still be in the slammer getting pissed on by a 300lb woman name Shaniqua who constantly asks "whatchew lookin at beotch?!"

[Joyananda]

Wow! This is really, really good. I love the hands.

[Jenn F.]

Ooooooh my. That is too perfect. Dina Lohan is a big honking joke, and Candy's write-up pretty much covered it perfectly. I'd be horrified to have a mother like that. But then, clearly I don't, because I'm not a complete fuck-up like her eldest.

You know what I find most annoying about this whole thing with Lindsay's non-stop screw-ups, and the constant whining from the parents about how they just need time to help get her on track? It's the fact that she's not a child (remember, there's a different between child and childish), she's an adult. She's getting a bit long in the tooth for all of this "needing guidance" bullshit. You can't play it both ways... one day it's "look at how grown up I am with my hooker clothes, drinking and snorting binges, driving around in my Mercedes convertible" and then "oooooh boohoo I'm so lost and young and impressionable please help me". And all of the "I grew up very quickly in this industry" crap. Oh please.

How is it that Lindsay Lohan has actually managed to become about ten times more irritating than Paris Hilton? They've both been cushioned by money and fame for so long now that they're both completely separated from reality.

All of this DUI crap is really stupid, really ignorant, and really bo-ring. Lindsay is a complete fucking idiot, and her mother even more so for all the reasons so cleverly outlined above.

Well that's about it for my rant. Beautiful work, 14. As always.

[deanna1104]

At least Brittney had the presence of mind to place most, if not all of the blame for her alleged addictions and screw-ups on her mother and manager. If La Lohan had not got drunk maybe she too would have delivered some childlike, hand scribbled letter to her mother warning her to stay away from her girl/boy friend. Shout out to the Paps!!
I thought the chin and cheek implants worked fabulously against the beckham like chest implants. The teeth... so classy. I enjoy the very fake feeling I get when I look at that picture.

[Melanie]

I love how you got the squirrelishness of her teeth so perfectly. This is amazingly good.

[Courtney E.]

Wow, this is great. 14 and Candy are like the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of celebrity blogs. Two great tastes that taste great together!

[Nina]

It's sad that that drawing ACTUALLY looks like her.. no parody needed!
And as for Lindsay, oh nevermind, I'm not going to waste my breath on that idiot..

Love the post!

i've totally been waiting for this one!

[Melinda]

Brilliant!

[Elaine]

Great job!!! You two should collaborate more often.

[andrea]

Is it Armageddon yet? This is very, very bad. And yet, why am I so thrilled?
Train wreck syndrome, to be sure.
My theory about these youngsters with all their money, fame, attention, power, etc. is that it's like a car going 100 mph.
We all know you can't make something that is going that fast slow down to 20 mph that quickly. It takes time to gear down. A stint in rehab=a tap on the breaks. AND
we all think she is bottomning out, and ripe and ready for rehab, but maybe she is not at HER bottom. She still wants the car to go 90-100 mph....for a while longer...it's so much more fun than having to actually stop and find out Who The Hell You Are. Liz Taylor, where are you? Liz actually went on to do some very loving things for humanity. She amounted to more than a pretty face, juicy carrer and gossip fodder. LL is not ready yet.

[Plobes]

LUV the spotty,sun damaged chest!

[Viper Tetsu]

The Shelley Duvall overbite on Mama Lohan is just ickalicious. Your wallet photo of LiLo, meanwhile, is one of the cruelest (and funniest) things you've ever committed to this here site. Bullseye as usual, chica.

[tiffani]

Love the buck teeth

[Damien]

I guess that when Linsay finally goes to court she could actually use that in her defense, you know the whole 'overbearing cougar mom drove me off the rails bit',

[midevil]

"You don't know what it's like, your Honour, my mother steals all of my boyfriends before I can get to first base with them!" Lindsay exclaimed before they dragged her away to yet another stint in rehab.

I especially like the way you captured her tired vegas waitress cleavage.