Kooky Hollywood Moms: Candy Spelling
Welcome to the first in my series of Kooky Hollywood Moms. I figured it was high time to address some of the Hollywood mothers who share the limelight with their reckless spawn. Candy Spelling has taken up the cause of writing open letters to Hollywood's wayward youth and then sending them over to TMZ for worldwide publication. Since most hard-partying starlets seem to lack motherly attention, she has stepped up to the plate and declared herself the uber-mom of Hollywood. She accused Britney Spears of being "famous for hideous, irresponsible actions", informed Paris Hilton that she's not as entitled as her money implies, and called Joe Francis a "poster boy for what happens when boys go wild". Joe Francis didn't take Candy's advice lightly - he wrote back, speculating the she was a lonely old woman living in a mansion full of 300 cats jumping around in their own feces. Ouch! No, this isn't the latest NBC sitcom, it's real life drama in Hollywood. Few writers could dream up characters and storylines as zany as what occurs daily in the Hollywood Circus Sideshow. I can't wait to see who kooky Candy writes about next! Medium: graphite on paper, digital color.
Why let Candy Spelling have all the fun? Now you can experience all the fame and fun of writing open letters with this handy mad-libs style Candy Spelling stationary. Simply fill in the name of your desired celebrity target and go nuts. When finished, post your letter to the internet and gain insta-fame!
Vote for the Underdog! Gallery of the Absurd has been nominated for the Washington Post Celebritology 2007 Lizzie Award for "Best Celebrity Obsessed Blog". I'm up against some of the titans of celebrity gossip blogs. Whether Gallery of the Absurd wins or not, it's nice to be included among some of my favorite blogs. Vote here.
FUCK YOU CANDY!! OLD HAG!! BRITNEY IS FUCKING HOT AND AWESOME!! SO IS PARIS! SO FUCK OFF OLD LADY
Posted by: dayum | June 22, 2007 at 10:55 AM
Candi should just kill herself, fugly bitch! take care of your children instead of shunning them you attention whore. Focus on Tori not Britney, Britney is too good to listen to your lame ass!
Posted by: Ger | June 22, 2007 at 11:11 AM
atleast britney doesn't spend her time writing meaningless letter for attention..
Posted by: candysucksmaddong | June 22, 2007 at 11:15 AM
How is it possible for you to outdo your own genius? The image was enough to make me chortle and then I scrolled down and busted a gut when I saw the accompanying Mad Lib. I am 40 years old and still love Mad Libs – especially when they are served with a side of sumethin’ sumethin’. (God, when did I turn into Jimmy Fallon?)
Please continue the Hollywood mom series. I want to laugh. I need to laugh.
Posted by: fanny pack | June 22, 2007 at 11:22 AM
OMG 14, this is truly fabulous. I LOVE her hair helmet, and Joker-like cheeks. Yikes.
She really should concentrate on her own children, who have not exactly been the models of decorum and good behavior.
Unsolicited advice is the worst kind.
Now go away and have something lipo'd or enhanced, or peeled.
Posted by: DonnaJEM | June 22, 2007 at 11:46 AM
14 you're awesome!
Posted by: Robert | June 22, 2007 at 12:36 PM
That little froggy version of Candy is the funniest thing I might have ever seen. Damn, 14, it really looks like her! You're so hilarious. You must have been giggling your ass off as you sketched out that frog.
Posted by: Jenn F. | June 22, 2007 at 12:39 PM
More people need to write letters to these "Train Wrecks". I'm so sick and tired of hearing who's cooter,or boobs, are hanging out today. Paris, Britney, and Lindsay, should be ashamed of themselves. Little girls look up to them as role models. From now on, I won't let my little girl look up to them. They are ALL losers in my book.
Posted by: Mia | June 22, 2007 at 01:18 PM
Reel me in.... I'm hooked! I can't wait to see the rest of the moms. Mama Hilton, Mama Spears, and the worst/best of all, Mama Lohan. I love all the great details with the frog (who is a perfect mini me version), the diamond capped pencil, and that mouth! Lord Jesus the way you drew her mouth is killing me! Love it so. Ah ha ha and her neck is divine!
Thanks for making my day brighter!
Posted by: gilmore | June 22, 2007 at 01:22 PM
Fantastic! You capture Candy's persona so well!
I voted! Yay!
Posted by: midevil | June 22, 2007 at 02:26 PM
Love the Candy/froggy stationary! And congratulations on your Lizzie nomination! Yay!!
Posted by: Madame M | June 22, 2007 at 03:13 PM
Candy kicks ass!!! I love her letters and can't wait for her to launch her own website.
Thanks 14 and Candy for telling it like it is!!!!!
Posted by: WTF | June 22, 2007 at 03:17 PM
I honestly do not have a problem with her writing these letters. She has plenty of time on her hands, so why not tell off one or two massively spoiled and stupid celebs. Britney is a complete idiot! I can't tolerate or excuse people wanting to have lots of sex and (oops!) making babies and still not getting "it." Playtime is over - time to grow up and become a responsible adult. You can start by staying home with your kids or keeping you boobs in and knickers on when you do go out. Simple.
Posted by: Marie | June 22, 2007 at 03:30 PM
Dear CANDY SPELLING,
We are sick and tired of seeing your MARTY FELDMAN-LIKE BUGEYES hanging out all over the place. Your BUSYBODY behavior is APPALLINGLY HYPOCRITICAL and makes you look like AN ATTENTION-SEEKING WHORE.
Must you INGEST mountains of METAMUCIL in ANY nightclub's bathroom? Do you think it's classly to take off your FALSE TEETH and DROOL on the tables? Do you think you are entitled to PLASTER YOURSELF WITH HORMONE REPLACEMENT PATCHES, smoke METHOLS, and drive your WHEELCHAIR the wrong way on
the highway? You are a spoiled rotten EX- MADAM and you have no one to blame for your
BUG-EYED, ADULTEROUS AND WOEFULLY UGLY DAUGHTER but yourself. You may think your NOSEJOB makes you look like a GENTILE, but deep down you are a shallow, needy YENTA. Pull yourself together and for goodness' sakes eat A HANDFUL OF PRUNES once in a while.
Posted by: badger | June 22, 2007 at 03:30 PM
hee hee hee this is great!!! Candy's little frog is perfect, and I love her pinched plastic nose. Are her eyes the exact same color as Froggy Spelling? This is so funny. And Mad Libs--how I used to love them!!! This kind of smart and crazy humor, coupled with the witty artwork, is why this is my favorite gossip site, and yes I totally voted for you.
P.S. I can't wait to see what you do to White Oprah!!!
Posted by: jerkygirl | June 22, 2007 at 03:49 PM
That Mad Libs letter is so awesome. And I love how Candy looks so frog-like... just like real life!
Posted by: Melanie | June 22, 2007 at 03:58 PM
Choosing between Gallery of the Absurd and Go Fug Yourself??? How can I do that?!!!
Posted by: Jujupiter | June 22, 2007 at 05:27 PM
voted!
even tho you never wrote me back and forgot about the tarot cards!!!!
so sad. but good luck!
;-)
just kidding!
Posted by: michael ian bateson | June 22, 2007 at 06:40 PM
You've got my vote, 14! Keep up the great work.
Posted by: Josh Maday | June 22, 2007 at 07:46 PM
I love the froggy version of Candy Spelling...it's so cute and clever!Congrats on your Lizzie nomination!
Posted by: Meg | June 22, 2007 at 10:57 PM
Yea, she's butting her nose in other people's business but honestly, she's right. At least someone is giving these losers good advice.
Posted by: mary79 | June 22, 2007 at 11:55 PM
While I get where Candy is coming from, she really ought to sweep her doorstep first. Tori is a mess, and has been for some time. Okay, perhaps she's settled down a bit, but what's the point of bringing negative attention to someone who's barely in the public eye, and surely wants to keep it that way?
Good work! She does look like a frog.
Oh! I voted!
Posted by: Chansmom | June 23, 2007 at 08:52 AM
Why DOES she look so frog-like? With all her cash, why doesn't she get rid of those lower lid bags ? God knows it can be done along with her other surgeries? !
I don't get it. Does she think it makes her look a little more human by keeping them? 14, I'm loving the AD Libs. I may copy it and try it out on my friends to see what we come up with !! NExt on your list --that ugly hag, Dina Lowhore, I mean Lohan. I already voted for Gallery of the Absurd, by the way -keep up the good work. Wish I had a tenth of your artistic talent.
Posted by: Tori | June 23, 2007 at 09:14 AM
*cracking up at Badger's letter*
Posted by: Jenn F. | June 23, 2007 at 10:13 AM
That would be so awesome if 14 did her own Tarot deck!
Posted by: midevil | June 23, 2007 at 10:47 AM
Beautiful, my friend. Only thing missing is Candy's ginormous collection of miniatures and fantasy dolls. Because every mature woman needs a ginormous collection of miniatures and fantasy dolls.
Posted by: Lynnster | June 23, 2007 at 01:31 PM
This is hilarious! I can't wait for the next installment in the series!
Posted by: Sprgrover | June 23, 2007 at 02:04 PM
I voted for you! Good luck! xo da
Posted by: diana in seattle | June 23, 2007 at 11:16 PM
She looks just like Dolores Umbridge, heh.XD
Posted by: Becca | June 24, 2007 at 07:34 PM
Unbelievably hilarious! The frog! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH so brilliant!!
Posted by: ihaveadog | June 24, 2007 at 08:16 PM
ROTFLMAO! omg...the only thing [eVen] FuNNieR than the MaD-LiB is the comment featuring a filled-in version thereof!! i dunno exactly what a Lizzie is (but i will soon, 'cuz the link's already opened in a new tab) but KuDoS in any case. Pure social commentary -- what "vanity fair" was originally named before, 'til it got all uppity-case 'n' pre-10-ious~{{;>}~Word!!!
Posted by: DallasDiva | June 24, 2007 at 11:24 PM
I voted. 14 you are a brilliant talented funny artist.
Be lucky!
Posted by: Mike | June 24, 2007 at 11:36 PM
I love the frog version! It's adorable and I never realized that Candy looks like one before. Nice!
And congratulations on your Lizzie nomination! I totally voted for you.
Posted by: Barb | June 25, 2007 at 10:53 AM
Love it, 14. I have to admit I was already inspired by Candy's fascinating open letter habit and your multiple parodies of Paris Hilton to post on it myself:
site: http://apostropha.wordpress.com/
post: Pop Culture Post Secret: An Open Letter to Paris Hilton
Once again, however, I defer to your artistic prowess. :-)
Posted by: apostropha | June 25, 2007 at 11:28 AM
I voted for you! I hope you win!!!
Posted by: Junky | June 25, 2007 at 11:38 AM
I voted for you and I hope you win!
Posted by: Junky | June 25, 2007 at 11:39 AM
I have been a fan of your site for a few years now and I must say this the best one I have ever seen. So on point. I cannot wait till we see Linsey's mom.
Posted by: Lisa | June 25, 2007 at 12:30 PM
Any celebrity mom writing to another celeb who ain't their kid about lousy behavior is kinda like dog shit writing feta cheese to say that it smells funny.
But thank God they do, because it gives you yet another avenue down which your genius can set up shop! Mama Spelling (and your ace, um, re-imagining of her) just furthers my theory that 85.5% of all celebrities are descended from Sleestaks.
And a Mad Lib. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph in a chartreuse microbus, a Mad Lib. God love ya.
Posted by: Viper Tetsu | June 25, 2007 at 02:37 PM
If Candy has a sense of humor, she'll order a bunch of these prints and pass them out to her friends. You are amazing! and I'm so glad we're on the same team!
Posted by: Hiltron | June 26, 2007 at 08:44 AM
That frog is PRICELESS!! LMAO!!! :-D
Posted by: Linda | June 26, 2007 at 02:32 PM
I see Candy Spelling has the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson.
Posted by: Demon Kitty | June 26, 2007 at 09:23 PM
Pot? Say hi to Kettle! XD
Honestly, 14, you really went above and beyond with this one. Also, as someone else mentioned, she is exactly how I pictured Professor Umbridge when I read that book. Maybe they should have cast her instead.
Posted by: Peta | June 27, 2007 at 09:15 AM
Cock up the butt? Uh huh!
candy should die, Britney is fucking AWESOME!
Posted by: CANDYSUCKS | June 27, 2007 at 02:47 PM
that hint of an adam's apple ... i tan in the sun of your brilliance ...
Posted by: scungilli | June 27, 2007 at 04:57 PM
Looks just like her...lol. All smug and everything. Typical Hollywood mommy.
I voted for you too.
Posted by: mellen | June 28, 2007 at 04:50 AM
Wow, this is the most hilarious, beautiful rendering of Candi I could imagine. Better than anything I could dream up. Masterful.
Posted by: Kamala | June 28, 2007 at 09:19 AM
The wee Candy Spelling froggy is just killing me: absolutely hilarious - And such a perfect likeness of her too. Brilliant touch!
Posted by: Cheezwiz | June 29, 2007 at 12:12 AM
What can say, you NAILED it yet again, and if you caught the “Sons of Hollywood” episode (sadly, yes, I tuned in to watch the horror) featuring Candy at her Mother's Day dinner seated next to spawn of Satan, Sean Stewart, son of Rod (that boy is TRULY TRAGIC). Nice to see Alana and Rod's handiwork in child rearing. The former Mrs. Stewart is a definite nominee of worst celebrity mother in Hollywood.
You better win the 2007 Lizzie. (Note all the other knock off 14's out there doing horrendous illustrations that aren't even funny). You're talented and have an incredible wit. I started reading your blog way before you were hot, hot, hot.
Posted by: JulesinSD | July 02, 2007 at 01:32 PM
I need that froggie on a t-shirt...
pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.
Posted by: sarah | July 03, 2007 at 12:54 PM
I didn't vote for you, but I did look at your website for the first time after you came close to winning the Lizzie. The frog is the funniest thing I've ever seen. I'm hooked, you get five stars, and please keep drinking the coffee and showing us the absurd. Being a DC resident, I humbly suggest Alberto Gonzales as your next muse. He begs to be mocked, as does really any member of the administration.
Posted by: Ben | July 11, 2007 at 06:20 AM