Kooky Hollywood Moms: Candy Spelling

Welcome to the first in my series of Kooky Hollywood Moms. I figured it was high time to address some of the Hollywood mothers who share the limelight with their reckless spawn.  Candy Spelling has taken up the cause of writing open letters to Hollywood's wayward youth and then sending them over to TMZ for worldwide publication. Since most hard-partying starlets seem to lack motherly attention, she has stepped up to the plate and declared herself the uber-mom of Hollywood.  She accused Britney Spears of being "famous for hideous, irresponsible actions", informed Paris Hilton that she's not as entitled as her money implies, and called Joe Francis a "poster boy for what happens when boys go wild". Joe Francis didn't take Candy's advice lightly - he wrote back, speculating the she was a lonely old woman living in a mansion full of 300 cats jumping around in their own feces.  Ouch!  No, this isn't the latest NBC sitcom, it's real life drama in Hollywood. Few writers could dream up characters and storylines as zany as what occurs daily in the Hollywood Circus Sideshow.  I can't wait to see who kooky Candy writes about next!  Medium: graphite on paper, digital color.

Why let Candy Spelling have all the fun?  Now you can experience all the fame and fun of writing open letters with this handy mad-libs style Candy Spelling stationary. Simply fill in the name of your desired celebrity target and go nuts. When finished, post your letter to the internet and gain insta-fame!

Vote for the Underdog! Gallery of the Absurd has been nominated for the  Washington Post Celebritology  2007 Lizzie Award for "Best Celebrity Obsessed Blog".  I'm up against some of the titans of celebrity gossip blogs. Whether Gallery of the Absurd wins or not, it's nice to be included among some of my favorite blogs. Vote here.

Comments

[dayum]

FUCK YOU CANDY!! OLD HAG!! BRITNEY IS FUCKING HOT AND AWESOME!! SO IS PARIS! SO FUCK OFF OLD LADY

[Ger]

Candi should just kill herself, fugly bitch! take care of your children instead of shunning them you attention whore. Focus on Tori not Britney, Britney is too good to listen to your lame ass!

[candysucksmaddong]

atleast britney doesn't spend her time writing meaningless letter for attention..

[fanny pack]

How is it possible for you to outdo your own genius? The image was enough to make me chortle and then I scrolled down and busted a gut when I saw the accompanying Mad Lib. I am 40 years old and still love Mad Libs – especially when they are served with a side of sumethin’ sumethin’. (God, when did I turn into Jimmy Fallon?)

Please continue the Hollywood mom series. I want to laugh. I need to laugh.

[DonnaJEM]

OMG 14, this is truly fabulous. I LOVE her hair helmet, and Joker-like cheeks. Yikes.

She really should concentrate on her own children, who have not exactly been the models of decorum and good behavior.
Unsolicited advice is the worst kind.
Now go away and have something lipo'd or enhanced, or peeled.

[Robert]

14 you're awesome!

[Jenn F.]

That little froggy version of Candy is the funniest thing I might have ever seen. Damn, 14, it really looks like her! You're so hilarious. You must have been giggling your ass off as you sketched out that frog.

[Mia]

More people need to write letters to these "Train Wrecks". I'm so sick and tired of hearing who's cooter,or boobs, are hanging out today. Paris, Britney, and Lindsay, should be ashamed of themselves. Little girls look up to them as role models. From now on, I won't let my little girl look up to them. They are ALL losers in my book.

[gilmore]

Reel me in.... I'm hooked! I can't wait to see the rest of the moms. Mama Hilton, Mama Spears, and the worst/best of all, Mama Lohan. I love all the great details with the frog (who is a perfect mini me version), the diamond capped pencil, and that mouth! Lord Jesus the way you drew her mouth is killing me! Love it so. Ah ha ha and her neck is divine!
Thanks for making my day brighter!

[midevil]

Fantastic! You capture Candy's persona so well!

I voted! Yay!

[Madame M]

Love the Candy/froggy stationary! And congratulations on your Lizzie nomination! Yay!!

[WTF]

Candy kicks ass!!! I love her letters and can't wait for her to launch her own website.

Thanks 14 and Candy for telling it like it is!!!!!

[Marie]

I honestly do not have a problem with her writing these letters. She has plenty of time on her hands, so why not tell off one or two massively spoiled and stupid celebs. Britney is a complete idiot! I can't tolerate or excuse people wanting to have lots of sex and (oops!) making babies and still not getting "it." Playtime is over - time to grow up and become a responsible adult. You can start by staying home with your kids or keeping you boobs in and knickers on when you do go out. Simple.

[badger]

Dear CANDY SPELLING,
We are sick and tired of seeing your MARTY FELDMAN-LIKE BUGEYES hanging out all over the place. Your BUSYBODY behavior is APPALLINGLY HYPOCRITICAL and makes you look like AN ATTENTION-SEEKING WHORE.
Must you INGEST mountains of METAMUCIL in ANY nightclub's bathroom? Do you think it's classly to take off your FALSE TEETH and DROOL on the tables? Do you think you are entitled to PLASTER YOURSELF WITH HORMONE REPLACEMENT PATCHES, smoke METHOLS, and drive your WHEELCHAIR the wrong way on
the highway? You are a spoiled rotten EX- MADAM and you have no one to blame for your
BUG-EYED, ADULTEROUS AND WOEFULLY UGLY DAUGHTER but yourself. You may think your NOSEJOB makes you look like a GENTILE, but deep down you are a shallow, needy YENTA. Pull yourself together and for goodness' sakes eat A HANDFUL OF PRUNES once in a while.

[jerkygirl]

hee hee hee this is great!!! Candy's little frog is perfect, and I love her pinched plastic nose. Are her eyes the exact same color as Froggy Spelling? This is so funny. And Mad Libs--how I used to love them!!! This kind of smart and crazy humor, coupled with the witty artwork, is why this is my favorite gossip site, and yes I totally voted for you.
P.S. I can't wait to see what you do to White Oprah!!!

[Melanie]

That Mad Libs letter is so awesome. And I love how Candy looks so frog-like... just like real life!

[Jujupiter]

Choosing between Gallery of the Absurd and Go Fug Yourself??? How can I do that?!!!

[michael ian bateson]

voted!

even tho you never wrote me back and forgot about the tarot cards!!!!

so sad. but good luck!

;-)

just kidding!

[Josh Maday]

You've got my vote, 14! Keep up the great work.

[Meg]

I love the froggy version of Candy Spelling...it's so cute and clever!Congrats on your Lizzie nomination!

[mary79]

Yea, she's butting her nose in other people's business but honestly, she's right. At least someone is giving these losers good advice.

[Chansmom]

While I get where Candy is coming from, she really ought to sweep her doorstep first. Tori is a mess, and has been for some time. Okay, perhaps she's settled down a bit, but what's the point of bringing negative attention to someone who's barely in the public eye, and surely wants to keep it that way?

Good work! She does look like a frog.

Oh! I voted!

[Tori]

Why DOES she look so frog-like? With all her cash, why doesn't she get rid of those lower lid bags ? God knows it can be done along with her other surgeries? !
I don't get it. Does she think it makes her look a little more human by keeping them? 14, I'm loving the AD Libs. I may copy it and try it out on my friends to see what we come up with !! NExt on your list --that ugly hag, Dina Lowhore, I mean Lohan. I already voted for Gallery of the Absurd, by the way -keep up the good work. Wish I had a tenth of your artistic talent.

[Jenn F.]

*cracking up at Badger's letter*

[midevil]

That would be so awesome if 14 did her own Tarot deck!