Gallery of the Absurd

The Uninteresting Blob of Flesh

Why all the hype surrounding this Uninteresting Blob of Flesh? The Blob hasn't done anything significant, doesn't have anything interesting to say...and yet, it appears on the covers of magazines and on primetime TV. People magazine has scored the exclusive post prison interview with the Uninteresting Blob of Flesh. I'm sure folks are eagerly lining up at the newsstands.

There was much hype surrounding the Uninteresting Blob of Flesh's interview with Larry King, and yet...

The interview was so mind-numbingly boring. The Uninteresting Blob of Flesh attempted to display its vast intelligence by speaking in controlled monotone, cocking its head to the side to feign interest, shuffling papers around, and furrowing its brow when deep thought was being called upon. The most interesting part of the interview was the blatant lie it told when asked if it had ever used drugs. Another highlight was when Larry asked the Uninteresting Blob of Flesh what its favorite bible passage was. A reasonable question since the Blob claims to have found God and was recently photographed strategically clutching a bible. The question caused the Blob a brief moment of panic, but it was able to formulate a cover-your-ass answer: "I don't have a favorite". If you'd like to see a really entertaining TV news story about the Uninteresting Blob of Flesh, look no further than here. Medium: IllustratorCS and photo collage.

Kooky Hollywood Moms: Kathy Hilton

I've often wondered what the phone conversations would be like between Kathy and Paris Hilton. I imagine Paris calls her mother each time she's publicly shamed after one of her many scandals. "Mommy, mommy, why are they so mean to me? Why mommy, whyyyyyyyyyy?" Kathy rolls up her silken sleeves and spends hours reassuring Paris of her superiority over others. Kathy Hilton is the enabling mama bear who never wants her precious Paris to experience the sting of being responsible for her own misguided actions. Kathy's anger was evident when she told Fox News that her poor little Paris has nothing to do but stare at the ceiling while sitting in jail. What a travesty! According to a Hilton biography, she's also proud of Paris's sex tape. As they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Medium: Acrylic, ink, oil pastel, and secret elf technology on board.

Kooky Hollywood Moms: Candy Spelling

Welcome to the first in my series of Kooky Hollywood Moms. I figured it was high time to address some of the Hollywood mothers who share the limelight with their reckless spawn.  Candy Spelling has taken up the cause of writing open letters to Hollywood's wayward youth and then sending them over to TMZ for worldwide publication. Since most hard-partying starlets seem to lack motherly attention, she has stepped up to the plate and declared herself the uber-mom of Hollywood.  She accused Britney Spears of being "famous for hideous, irresponsible actions", informed Paris Hilton that she's not as entitled as her money implies, and called Joe Francis a "poster boy for what happens when boys go wild". Joe Francis didn't take Candy's advice lightly - he wrote back, speculating the she was a lonely old woman living in a mansion full of 300 cats jumping around in their own feces.  Ouch!  No, this isn't the latest NBC sitcom, it's real life drama in Hollywood. Few writers could dream up characters and storylines as zany as what occurs daily in the Hollywood Circus Sideshow.  I can't wait to see who kooky Candy writes about next!  Medium: graphite on paper, digital color.

Why let Candy Spelling have all the fun?  Now you can experience all the fame and fun of writing open letters with this handy mad-libs style Candy Spelling stationary. Simply fill in the name of your desired celebrity target and go nuts. When finished, post your letter to the internet and gain insta-fame!

Vote for the Underdog! Gallery of the Absurd has been nominated for the  Washington Post Celebritology  2007 Lizzie Award for "Best Celebrity Obsessed Blog".  I'm up against some of the titans of celebrity gossip blogs. Whether Gallery of the Absurd wins or not, it's nice to be included among some of my favorite blogs. Vote here.

The Graceful Flight of Paula Abdul

Last week I was asked to participate in the Film Experience Blog's Action Heroine Blog-a-Thon. My entry is a week late, but better late than never. Since I'm a fan of Chinese martial arts films, I chose Ziyi Zhang as my action heroine, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon as my film and then substituted Paula Abdul as my star. The wuxia genre of Chinese cinema typically features beautifully choreographed fighting scenes in which the heroes fly through treetops and over roofs as if they possess magical powers. Bold color and stunning scenery add poetic spectacle to the heart-pounding action. When I read about Paula Abdul breaking her nose after tripping over her chihuahua, I imagined her flying magically through the sky while wearing one of her strange ruffled frocks. Luckily for Paula, she thought she was going on a slow motion magic carpet ride with the fairies and had no idea she had even hurt herself until hours later. Oh that crazy Paula..I just love her. Medium: Ink on paper, digital color.

Guest Artist: Hiltron

Have you ever wondered what certain overexposed celebrities might look like when they grow old, become fat, or switched genders? The mysterious artist who calls themself Hiltron wondered and with some of the most expert Photoshop skills I've ever seen, created hundreds of images that are sure to delight you. Planet Hiltron is destined to become your newest bookmark and is guaranteed to give you lots of laughs. On a different note, I've been in Los Angeles for the past week and was too busy being stuck in hot dusty traffic and business meetings to get any work done for Gallery of the Absurd. I'm back home now and just dipped my brush in ink to work on my latest painting. Ahhhhhh, sweet relief.

The Princess Sits Upon Her Royal Throne

I had just formally declared a moratorium on posting anything else about Paris Hilton and then a few hours later, I saw this article in the New York Daily News about how Paris refused food and drink because she feared the evil prison guards would snap a photo of her as she sat on the toilet and then they'd post it all over the internet. Miss Hilton's vapid logic never ceases to amaze me. Tens of millions of people all over the planet have already been exposed to her "gnarly bits". Numerous times. So what's the harm of an innocent little potty photo? I spent at least an hour debating with myself, "no, you can't draw Paris again" and then "yes, I must paint Paris! I get to sketch her sitting on a prison toilet" and then, "people will think I'm obsessed with her, they'll think I'm 8 years old...besides, my site is saturated with Hilton and it's getting redundant and predictable", and then "who cares what anyone thinks, go for it. It will be my last Paris for a long time." My dark side won. If there's going to be a potential image of Princess Paris squatting on a cold steel prison toilet, then I wanted to be the one responsible for it. Medium: Ink on paper, digital color.

Here's the proof: I hereby sign a formal declaration stating I shall not paint Paris Hilton for at least 2 months.

Paris Hilton: Please Make Her Go Away

Paris Hilton juxtaposed with report of possible catastrophic tiger extinction.

Paris Hilton juxtaposed with article about 50 more years in Iraq.

Paris Hilton juxtaposed with report of US anti-missile plans in Eastern Europe.

The relentless media hysteria surrounding the Paris Hilton saga really bothered me today. It's my opinion that her pathetic story belongs on gossip sites and perhaps as a two-minute entertainment segment on the national news, but not as an all day breaking news story on major media outlets. I understand there are issues to be discussed surrounding Paris Hilton's sickening preferential treatment, but do we need to watch a looping tape of the spoiled brat sobbing in the back of a sheriff's car? Do we need to be shown helicopter footage of Hilton's Hollywood Hills home (Oh look, it's her roof!) throughout the day? Wouldn't it be nice if CNN left their growing emphasis on entertainment reporting to the pros over at TMZ and instead focus their efforts on reporting and debating newsworthy items that actually impact our daily lives? These paintings are less about Paris Hilton and more about the frustration I had with the news media today. Medium: news stories printed from Yahoo News and the Washington Post, collage, acrylic, colored pencil, glitter and photoshop.

Paris Hilton: Media Distraction

Why is Paris Hilton coverage a top "breaking news" story on CNN??? Shouldn't they be busying themselves with more important issues....like actual news? I guess not. Paris is so much more important. Sure, discussions of Paris Hilton belong on the gossip blogs and forums, but not in our national news. A blatant display of bread and circuses, folks. Whew, just had to get that off my chest. Rant over. Since so many people emailed me the photo, I decided I would layer actual comments onto it that I found posted on Dlisted and TMZ. The photo and comments speak for themselves and I really don't want to waste any more of my time on her.

If Andy Warhol Had Painted Linds, Brit and Paris

American artist and filmmaker Andy Warhol's enthrallment with celebrities inspired him to create a series of mass-produced silk screen portraits which aside from the soup can, would later become his most recognized work. According to art critic Robert Hughes, Warhol's colorful and repetitive celebrity portraits "speak eloquently about the condition of image overload in a media saturated culture." Image overload, such an appropriate choice of words. What would Andy Warhol think of today's oversaturated celebrities? Which photos would he choose to create his portraits? The photo of Lindsay Lohan passed out with her mouth agape after yet another night of boozing was seen all over the internet and tabloids. It even landed on the cover of People along with the headline, "From adorable child star to out-of-control party girl arrested for DUI." After Britney Spears shaved her head and went nuts, she was photographed close up, wild-eyed and snarling at the paparazzi stalking her. The photo is sure to become one of the more iconic images ever taken of her. Oh, and speaking of image overload, let's not forget Paris Hilton. I think if Andy were alive today, he'd choose to paint Paris Hilton's ass instead of her face. I'm sure Andy would have done Nicole Richie, but artist Damien Hirst beat him to it.

Donald Trump's Super Ultra Premium Steaks of Distinction

A few weeks ago, I was blissfully walking down the street and thought I saw Donald Trump. It didn't really register and I walked a few more steps until I stopped in my tracks and decided to go back. Cautiously I approached The Sharper Image and peered in the window. It was true - I DID see Donald Trump! There was a large image of Trump in the front window and a video featuring him boasting about his "super premium Trump Steaks". Even though my eyes saw it, my mind couldn't get around what I was looking at. Trump is offering his steaks exclusively through The Sharper Image. A retailer better known for selling items such as turbo nose hair clippers, talking chimp heads, and remote control robotic sharks, they are now proudly offering mail-order Trump Steaks. How fitting, no? I had to pick up the brochure and highly suggest you do the same. The cover features a heavily retouched image of Trump hunched over a big plate of meat. If you stare long enough, the Trump Steaks start to look like some sort of glistening beef creature. Trumps leers as he gesticulates his carefully rehearsed "you're fired" hand toward artfully arranged steaks on a silver platter. His stubby little hand is dwarfed by the enormous steaks and his cotton-candy hair is the same color as his skin. Overall, a chilling Dante-esque vision of Hell. Medium: acrylic, ink on board, digital text.

If you can't get to a Sharper Image to pick up the Trump Steaks brochure, no worries. I've boiled it down and reinterpreted it here for you. Medium: digital paint and collage.