Southern California Crustaceans: The Heiress Crab

I had my hand slapped recently by Paris Hilton's attorney after I painted crabs scurrying near the vicinity of her crotch. A warning to other artists and bloggers: you may not add crustaceans to any of your creative interpretations of Paris Hilton because doing so implies Ms. Hilton has loathsome diseases and you'll be threatened with defamation. However, no one said anything was wrong with painting Paris Hilton as a crab. The Heiress Crab is an invasive species of crustacean found in Southern California. It can be spotted crawling around Barneys, Kitsons, the In-N-Out Burger and in various nightclub VIP rooms. It has numerous natural enemies and can't seem to hold on to any friends. Cops enjoy pulling the Heiress Crab over not because it often breaks the law, but because they want to ask it out to dinner. Recently the Heiress Crab was sentenced to spend time in a crab trap as punishment for it's bad behavior and now it's claws are out for vengeance. Medium: oil on wood.

Much thanks to GeekSugar for this nice write up and interview confirming the fact that I am indeed a geek.

Comments

[Miapocca]

this is HOT

[frazgo]

Way to go! Satire is one of the oldest and best forms of lampooning and social commentary around. Don't let them silence you or otherwise infringe on your artist endeavors.

[Smiley Girl]

Luv it, luv the hilarious commentry as well. What amuses/distrubs me is that Paris got her lawyers on you for depicting her with crabs, and not because you depictied her with her legs WIDE OPEN. lol

:)

[Madame M]

A geek and a genius. You have made an exquisite lemonade, my dear 14!

[Tiffany]

HA! Take that attorney man! Brilliant!

[stardust savant]

I love that you are out for Paris blood lately. Her lawyer should email you back and beg you to put the crabs back on the Simple Life poster in return for nixing Jeff Polange's, um, pose and the Jail Bird. Those nail her skankiness way more that the implication of a loathsome disease.

[Kai]

Ah! Ah! Delish! (is temporarily stunned with awesomeness)

I agree with stardust savant, I bet Paris's lawyers are regretting messing with you. Are we sure you're not responsible for her jailtime? I think 14 is a goddess, and as such, capable of anything.

(Your token Jewish commenter)

[Jen]

14, you're the greatest. You are so observant! You draw what all of us are thinking!

BTW, I read your interview. Don't be afraid to take on Oprah, she'd make awesome canvas fodder! I can just imagine..big eyes full of "concern", demented smile and sitting on a wrecked-by-Tom-Cruise-Couch!

[Annie Mahoney]

Those toes are going to give me nightmares...

[Demon Kitty]

Good for you 14! I am not holding my breath regarding Paris' jail sentence. If fucking OJ (orange juice) didn't go to the slammer after slaughtering his wife and her friend, if Paris really going to jail? Her refusal to take responsibility for her actions is starting to make me think she is a sociopath and not a narcissist. I suspect that this will not be the last time she has problems with the law. We need to start a petition people. We need to start a petition. Should we address it to Arnold Schwarzenegger or the municipal government of West Hollywood?

[Ophelia]

I don't know how you do it, but you always manage to capture the essence of Paris Hilton so perfectly. You are incredibly perceptive and imaginative. I thoroughly enjoyed this one! Big applause for another masterpiece of our "American princess"!

Congratulations 14!
Ophelia :)

[Marie]

I came back to show my friend the "goose" drawing and then we find this new gem. Hee hee, ha, ha! ;D

[gilmore]

This is pure heaven. Thank you.

[Texas]

Crab cakes! Crab cakes!

I can't get over from laughing so hard! After all, she's the best thing that ever happened to you and your gallery!

You should consider turning all your artwork done into a book! That's gonna be a cult following after this!

You rock, 14!

[Peta]

Man, I wish this really were the case. I can't eat shellfish, but I would fight off the world to boil this one.

[Coffeegod]

We love you, 14. You are right on the money about Ms Parasite. Keep up the great work.

[deanna1104]

what a mess. everytime i see that nose i rack my brain trying to figure out just what the hell else pwhitney uses it for. it certainly must serve some other unknown purpose. george clooney getting all up on that frankfurter is so hot!!

[Morrigan]

I always felt bad about boiling crustaceans. I'd have the boiling water ready for this one though. hehehe

[cherise]

are you serious about the paris-hilton-lawyer-contacting-you thing?! o__O i say draw 'em however you friggin want and the a$$holes should eat $hit

[midevil]

Wait, where are the crab's crabs???

[Thomas]

14,

satire and parody is protected

http://www.4lawschool.com/torts/hustler.shtml

[miriam]

I love your work! What wonderful satire.
I was just thinking maybe you could make more prints availabe,I'd buy a bunch more!

[Thorne Smith]

14,

"Wonky-eyed" has entered my lexicon thanks to you and this wonderful site!

It would have been good to see Paris's lawyers as barnicles on her crusty behind.

Keep up the good work!

[Cyclops Kitten Natividad]

Love your colors on this one---mouthwatering! And also how the crab is cooked a sweet candy pink.
The best thing though is the base of the crab's "neck", which looks suspiciously like Paris' overexposed kitty cat, for reals.

[SarahReznor]

14 - Paris' lawyers cant make you do shit! it's fucking ART!

you rock girl!!! love you!!!

[SarahReznor]

14 you rock my world!

[Bucky Turco]

Well done.

[Jenn F.]

Oh my God. I can't believe you, you're so fucking hilarious. You actually managed to paint a crab and make it look like Paris Hilton. That's one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time. With those big long fingers and toes, pinching onto the money! That's too perfect! Oh 14, I wish you to become a very, very wealthy artist. No one deserves it more.

[parissucksliterally]

Fabulous. You never fail to impress me.

[idlewild]

I almost fell off my chair laughing at this one. Incredible!! You are so fabulous! As always, keep up the superb work.

[M&M]

You should contact a news organization with this information. You'd get a ton of publicity and everyone would want to see the picture that caused so much ire.

[Cat]

Hahahaha That's awesome.

[Damien]

Poor lil rich gal, I guess karma finally came around took a big ole bite of her butt.

[Melanie]

Very cool. I love that she only has 3 toes on each foot. Claw?

[Gail]

Loved your interview with GeekSugar! Is that you in that photo? You are gorgeous! I can't believe you used to do high tech marketing and PR (that is what I do). You are FAR too talented to be doing tech PR! Thank God you quit!!!

[Salmonella]

14, props for not letting them stop your awesomeness! Crab Trap? Now THAT'S hot!!

[Doug]

Cheers for not letting the crustaceans silence you and for the laughs and for your new header.

You're awesome!

[moonmaid]

Complete with eye wonk and giant toes!

Keep on rockin', 14!

p.s. inadvertenly hilarious side advert for "King Crab Legs!"

[Demon Kitty]

Girl, who does your eyebrows??? I want a lychee cocktail! That was a cool interview. i dig your imagination. I would be afraid to draw Oprah as well - you would definitely end up on her show in 5 seconds flat!!!!!!

[Kevin niveK]

14, I met you last night at the art walk. Not only are you cute as hell you're more fun than a bucket load of monkeys. I enjoyed you and your constant smile.

[Chansmom]

I'm in agreement with Madam M. You're a geek, and wonderful!

Great rendering of "what's her name." Hee hee. I will be so glad when her 15 minutes are up, she's truly overstayed her welcome.

[Rich]

You have never been a geek

[Cooper]

fuck yeah. i love love love what you are doing.

[Rex]

Would the lawyers be mad if you put people swarming around her crotch ?

[Bloody Whore]

I LOVE the feet!!! LOL

[Demon Kitty]

Rex, you are my hero.

Demon Kitty

[Viper Tetsu]

Paris Hilton has already dipped her big-ass-sasquatch feet into the pool of crappy remakes of old horror movies with HOUSE OF WAX, so your masterful mutation clinches an even more perfect synergy of artist and project...

I for one would pay big bucks to see Paris Hilton in a remake of Roger Corman's ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS. In (one of)the title role(s), natch.

[laurie]

"it's bad behavior and now it's claws are out for vengeance. Medium: oil on wood."

In the above, you do not need the apostrophes in the "its." The "its" are used as possessives and therefore do not need an apostrophe. Just letting you know.

[buggey]

Why nothing on Jennifer Aniston? Is she getting special treatment? Equal opportunity ok?