The Simpleton Life, starring Paris and Nicole

We've obtained the exclusive image of the Simple Life Goes To Camp promo poster before it was heavily altered in Photoshop. According to a source, problems plagued the set. Paris Hilton kept flashing her privates because she thought the film crew was the paparazzi. Originally, Brandon Greasy Bear Davis was hired to carry the boat over the water, but a pack of orphaned bear cubs kept following him and he had to be removed from the photo. Tinkerbell threw herself overboard in a final attempt to escape from Paris's clutches. Paris didn't notice her dog was missing until several days later. Medium: ink on paper, digital color. Yes, there's an uncensored version of this illustration and it's painted in horrifying detail.

Photo retouchers had to smooth over Nicole Richie's gaunt face and worked long hours fixing Paris Hilton's "wonky eye"

Brandon Davis sweated profusely during the photoshoot giving him a slippery grasp. Thinking Brandon was their long lost mother, hungry bear cub orphans followed and suckled at him as he carried the boat through the water. The EPA had to be called because a strange oil slick was found in the lake after Mr. Davis emerged from the water.

Comments

[thatgirlshines]

you, my dear, are a FUKN genius! i don't paris has ever looked this god before... and i love how you captured Nicole's near death look and knobby joints. genius!

[Tim Chase]

oh man this is hilarious! valtrex-- you know the princess of media has got herpes, there's no doubt. i work for NBC, and everyone should totally check out Triumph the Insult Dog rag on Paris at http://video.dotcomedy.com/player/?id=85232 (he totally rags on Carrot Top, DiCaprio, etc). Loads of fun, and if you're lucky he just might give you a pooper mustache!

[nicki]

wow, i really needed to laugh hard today, i feel so much better. thank you...thank you..
ps- the crabs scurrying from (or is it away?) from paris' vag, genius... bravo!

you, madam, are a genius! keep up the good work. those horrid excuses for human beings need to be taken down. you've nailed paris' wonky eye and goon nose. love it!

[Knox Bronson]

Please, 14, you are KILLING me.

Amazing!

[Pablo Vazquez]

Great-one, valtrex!! haha

[wow]

brilliant

[Frank Furtive]

The sites you linked to say that her droopy lid is due to damage that occurred during plastic surgery. Poor girl! What a shallow life. Mine is no great shakes, but I certainly wouldn't trade places.

[Chansmom]

*Snort!* That is awesome!!!!!!!!!!! I need to calm down from laughing! Thanks for the big smile.

[Shalom Raviv (Kai)]

Ah! The penis nose! The appealing fuzzy thing Nicole is holding! The crabs! The nipples! The armpits! The cubs! The nearly vertical eye! Huge toes! Blessedly obscured "special spot"! You have nearly rendered me speechless! But why oh why does Nicole have to be grouped with such unpleasant people? And that skeleton, too? Please someone put it back in a science classroom. Thanks.

[Jackie]

This is great! Your hilarious!!

[Wes]

Welcome back 14. Great stuff!

[Janina]

Brilliant. Absolutely Brilliant.

[CreesDahl]

Oh My Goodness. That is hilarious!

[Bohemian Chick]

14 keep carrying on in the grand satirial tradition of Johnathan Swift and of course MAD MAGAZINE!!!
You funny heffa, are you Mort Druckers (MM's top cover artist) long lost granddaughter?

The cubs sucking the tit is beyond funny.

[LegalEagle]

Brilliant!! Just Brilliant!!

[nicole]

this is the most awesome thing ever. you are a god among men.

[14]

thank you!! It made me laugh while I sketched it, so I'm glad the laughter passed on to you.

Oh and yes, Mort Drucker is my Art God. Drew Friedman too.

xoxo
14

[Barbs]

Long-time lurker, 1st-time commenter. 14, I am a huge admirer of your work, but this is an honest-to-God masterpiece. The LV junkyard bag! Nicole's yellow eyes! Paris's waxing sores! You see all. And your Greasy Bear is beginning to look more like Brandon Davis than actual photos of Brandon Davis look like Brandon Davis. The soggy armpits and sad moobs are too, too perfect.

I salute your genius. Incidentally, I also adore Mort Drucker. If MAD was still at its full 80s satirical strength, you'd be its art director. If you felt like it. You rule, this blog rules; thank you for making the internet yet more wonderful by the post. xxxB

[Jen]

OH MY GOD!!!

*dies laughing*

What can I say that hasn't been said? Masterpiece, Genius...

Nice product placement of the Urban Satchel.

[ally oop]

love love LOVE it ! keep up the good work!!

[Demon Kitty]

You are a genius 14! A fucking genius! You capture everything about them. This portrait is so true! Hopefully one day they will see it. I am never going to stop saying this, "Paris Hilton's cooter is the bogeyman! It never goes away. It always threatens to pop out and scare the shit out of us!" I love how her birth canal is a big black hole. I am surprised that it is not trapping matter, with the exceptions of the crabs. Now I am going to puke!

[Nina Alvarez]

FINALLY!!
I've been waiting for this fix!
Genius!

[krissypoo]

You are profoundly talented. I am in awe. Everything you create is pure magic. The botany paintings are exquisite.

[Fingerella]

Lol. Hilarious. Love the Paris Hilton Eyes

[Brangie Rules]

This is so amazing. You are coming into your own and coming very close to capturing the true sleazy essence of Parasite Hilton. That picture above is how I actually see them if you really, truly look and truly see them. hehe ...
Congratulations I would so buy a print of this and the "3 disgraces" ... you are suberb my dear ... God Bless and hope to see alot more of your genius cause you are a genius ....!!!!

[dave]

14 14 14, I love how you can paint the most beautiful delicate flowers one day and then paint Paris Hilton's diseased crotch the next. You are an American treasure.

[Taki Kokiku]

LMAOOOOOOOO That's hilarious!!! I know you have a life but I really wish you could update this site more often,your work is brilliant and I couldn't stop laughing for about an hour after I saw that picture!

10/10

[Tom]

I have enjoyed your work since you have been blogging but this, THIS is brilliant! It is pure genius. At last Paris and Nicole have something to be proud of... the inspiration they have provided to create this masterpiece!!!

[Jason]

Yep, you made me do a nice big spit-take all over my shiney iMac again. You ROCK! This is beyond fab/disgusting. The detail. The horror. The suckling cubs on Greasy Bear's fecund teats was a particularly brilliant touch. Where can I see the uncensored version?

[jerkygirl]

Brandon. . .Davis. . .breastfeeding. . .bear cub. . .!!!!!! When you're done calling the EPA, call the ASPCA!!! Oh my heavenly stars this is the BEST one yet there is so much funny here I don't. . .think. . .my. . .heart. . .can. . .glagh!!! Aack!!! *dies laughing*

[Princess]

OMFG!!!!!!!!! I totally love this! LOLLLLLLLLLLLLL

[melk]

love it! i'll pass your link to all my friends!

[kaiserin]

14, you are absolutely AMAZING! I swear, I cannot look at Parasite Herpes without seeing her exactly as you portray her...you have an uncanny gift to capture the true ugliness of these celebutard whores. Thank you for sharing your talent with us, I hope that you make it HUGE, you truly deserve it because you have wonderful, amazing, outstanding, awe-inspiring talent. Please, please, PLEASE keep up the great work, and may I respectfully request more Shitney pics? She, Parasite, and Hohan are your best parodies because you truly capture the rotten, ugly, corrupt, greedy souls that they possess. You should be declared a national treasure...really. You rock my socks! :)

[kaiserin]

Oh my GOD, I just noticed your Vuitton trash bag in the pic....BRILLIANT! The more you look, the more details you see. Amazing, you are truly amazing! Please keep it up, we want more!

[Rita]

Genius! You should totally be the creative executive in chef for whoever is doing the advertising for the show. This is such a beautiful piece of art that portraits them so well. Love it!

[Julie]

OMG! Best one yet!

[Pikachelsea]

This is one of the single most fantastic things I have ever seen. omfg. Paris's "face" just made me die laughing. I will love you forever, 14.

[tom]

Brilliant. That Paris Hilton face is going to haunt me forever. You are soo good.

[Candice]

Some people have The Mona Lisa. Some people have Water Lillies. I have this.

Thank you, 14.

[jake]

A masterpiece!! This should be on billboards all along Sunset!!!

[weffie]

Oh, thank you!

[Becca]

Oh! Paris's face looks like a gob of dough after it's been punched in! This is SO funny!XD

You are a true, if not always nice genius, 14 and I am learning from you as well as your stellar art talents! (Thumbs Up!)

[WTF]

Any picture with Greasy Bear is a great picture!!!

[Adam Smith]

Who actually likes Paris Hilton?

Everyday,I look through the comments sections on blogs like this, all over the
Interweb and it appears that she is completely,universally, reviled.

You'd think she ate babies in between wiping out endangered species,or something. If you lined up Pol Pot,Ted Bundy,George Bush and Miss Hilton, and left it to a public vote over who was catapulted into a huge vat full of Sulphuric acid and radioactive waste, inhabited by genetically engineered mutant killer cockroaches, poor Paris would always draw the short straw.

Imagine how she feels in the morning, (well afternoon,she hasn't seen the morning since she was twelve),knowing that millions of people Worldwide have done their best to denigrate her person and character.
The internet must be a nightmare for her, like being the least popular kid in school,knowing that all the neighbouring school's all hate you too.
She probably glumly eat's her single grape, that will sustain her until the cycle of binging and puking begins, cries a little, then put's on her game-face and says "fuck you all".

Don't get me wrong,I don't luurve her or anything.On this blog I descibed her as a "nauseating little bobble head with the erotic appeal of a moose drowning in a tarpit".
On another I wrote, that while I generally agreed with the feminist position that violence against women is wrong and enforces patriarchy, in her case I could make an exception.Namely,"whacking her stupid twatty face with a large
frying pan-repeatedly",(it looks like 14 beat me to it on that one).
My worst offence against her was describing her on another blog as a
"Rich Man's spunk-bucket".
Actually, I felt quite bad about that one, it still got posted all the same. I sat there laughing at my own cruel wit while feeling like a real bastard for writing that about anybody.

The fact that I have repeated these slanders means that I really could'nt give an armadillo's cock about her,the majority of people appear to feel the same way. When viewed from that perspective, is there any real reason for her to be a more noble and better person?
She makes millions by acting like a special needs sadcase combined with a whingeing spoilt brat.
So much money,that her sofa probably contains at least $200,000 in spare change, at any one time. There are probably fistfights between the maids over who gets to clean the living room, and win the spare change jackpot.

While we're sitting here yapping like Howler Monkeys about what a completely idiotic diddle brain she is,she's becoming more famous, more talked about and more obscenely rich.Paris does'nt care about what us poverty stricken jizzwads think anyway.She gazes out of the tinted windows of her two hundred and fifty grand Bentley, driving by, thinking, "Losers.Your slack jawed watching of my mirthless antics paid for this."
The fucking mad bitch.

I wrote all that stuff about Paris.
But I think Lindsay Lohan summed her up more succinctly and eloquently than even I could.

Go here:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Y2Oy8QOoIvA

After that I'm beginning to quite like that girl.

[Bohemian Chick]

"14 keep carrying on in the grand satirial tradition of Johnathan Swift and of course MAD MAGAZINE!!!
You funny heffa, are you Mort Druckers (MM's top cover artist) long lost granddaughter?

The cubs sucking the tit is beyond funny.

Posted by: Bohemian Chick | April 05, 2007 at 02:32 PM "

"thank you!! It made me laugh while I sketched it, so I'm glad the laughter passed on to you.

Oh and yes, Mort Drucker is my Art God. Drew Friedman too.

xoxo
14

Posted by: 14 | April 05, 2007 at 02:52 PM "

Dear 14 aka "Goddess of Satircal Cartoons" (my original quote thankyouverymuch!) yes I can see the Drew Friedman influence in your exquiste perverse details, that's why this piece is gonna bring you superstardom & a gazillion bucks!

Next, do a unbeweaveable Beyonce and Jay Z cartoon!

[Elizebeth]

The cubs suckling at Brandon Davis is pure genious!
I love me some 14!

There are some things in life which are just offensive.

Things like, war crimes;increasing economic inequality;greater military expenditure;Fox News and all the unreconstructed Nazis that appear on it;every project that P-diddy is even remotely involved in; woefully unfunny "films" like "Epic Movie"; mobile phones, that are more like mission control centres than phones; mobile phones in general; that Louis Vuitton bag,tons of vile dispiriting stuff that just saps the will to live, this list could go on for a very long time...

All in all,taken as whole, none of these things are as offensive or crush my belief in humanity more effectively than Brandon Davis' Face, Brandon Davis' voice,Brandon Davis' walk, Brandon Davis' clothes,Brandon Davis' existence and how he came about, Brandon Davis as a concept (fucking why?), just Brandon Davis - and his wanker brother.

If you have'nt guessed yet,I really don't like him. He's evolution's biggest,most terrible mistake,even worse than "Saved By The Bell's " writing team.
If I was'nt convinced,beyond a shadow of
a doubt,that Paris Hilton was infact the Antichrist,that smirking buffoon would be next in line as chief suspect for everything bad in the world.
This would include things that happened even before he was born.

Imagine a cross between a Dead Elvis impersonator, David Guest and a spit roasted pig, and you still won't even come close to this foul piece of wasted sexual effluvia. He's like unfunny Italian American wannabe, Andrew Dice Clay, covered in the slightly watery spunk of a thousand oil executives.

An army of mentally challenged Gibbons work round the clock, to provide him with the "comic" material, that guffs from his stupid fucking face, which in his warped miguided mind appear to be witty bon-mots along the lines of Oscar Wilde.
When he did his infamous Firecrotch skit, you could see that in Brandon world he was punching it out like Steve Martin, Robin Williams and Richard Pryor at their peak. Instead, to all sane people, he just looked like a Coked up bully. Why somebody did'nt just run over and kick him hard in the balls, then continue by giving him a thorough beating, as he rolled around on the floor,is a mystery to me.

If there was a place called Stupid Prick-Land, his worthless visage would be on every piece of currency there.
He'd also be King, Prime Minister, President, and Chief commander of all their forces. The population would consist entirely of pneumatic pornstars;Hefner rejects who could'nt get into that inner circle jerk and numerous grades of hooker. Once he ran out of money ,to pay for sexual services,he would be deposed with an unceremonious guillotining to round off the festivities.
The Crudsack.

Comparing him to a bear is just unfair to bears. Imagining him being savaged by bears is just harmless fun.

All in all, he's just wrong.