Tom Cruise is The Messiah
According to a report in the UK Sun, some Scientology leaders believe Tom Cruise is the "Christ of Scientology". Flabbergasted after reading such a claim, we decided to send a group of undercover agents to investigate the dark recesses of the Los Angeles Church of Scientology in order to seek clues. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence and we obtained it! Our wily agents gained entrance into the fortress by feigning interest in being "audited" and were quickly able to escape unnoticed into the darkness of the church basement. Prying open the safe, our agents were shocked to discover Leopold Da Vinnie's famous painting, "The Scientologist's Last Supper". It clearly shows Tom Cruise as Christ, but leaves several other questions unanswered. For instance, who is the mysterious woman seated to His left and why is she smiling like that? Could she be his...gasp...wife? Is that a Jenny Craig-approved cupcake Kirstie Alley is grabbing? John Travolta is wearing loafers and he's floating - what does this mean? How did Will Smith get mixed up with this bunch? So many questions, so few answers. Medium: Acrylic on board, unfinished. Thanks Holly for the brainstorm.
While snooping through the safe, our investigators also obtained this photo of what appears to be an image of Christ burned into a piece of toast. It's a miracle!
Based on our dangerous, yet thorough investigation, we conclude that Tom Cruise is indeed the Scientology Christ. Just take a look at these t-shirts we found in the basement.
These bitches make me sick. They live in a fantasy world. Hollywood is so nauseating. I am sick of seeing his crinkled up nose. He is a fucking bully, a rat-like bully, and this bitch needs to come out of the closet. I am so sick of these motherfuckers. Do they really think we can't see through their bullshit???????!!!!!!! Kirsty Alley and John Travolta are so fucking cheesy! What the fuck is up with Will Smith? Is he gay too or what? Where am I getting this "everyone is gay shit" from? Ted Casablanca at eonline.com! I am getting so sick of gays who play straight so they can cash in on the Cinderella shit that doesn't exist in the first place, except in fucking Hollywood.
So Much Love,
Demon Kitty
Posted by: Demon Kitty | January 29, 2007 at 02:08 AM
I propose a toast. *snicker*
Rather, I propose that we make an iron brand for burning the Holy Image of Xenu's Only Begotten Son onto toast and tortillas.
Posted by: dot | January 29, 2007 at 02:53 AM
What a timely post! I actually just recently watched The Da Vinci Code on DVD, and seeing this mockery really made me laugh. You've created another masterpiece here, 14!
Posted by: Ophelia | January 29, 2007 at 04:18 AM
Finally, someone uncovers what we suspected all along. Will is only there to supervise the aliens.
Posted by: midevil | January 29, 2007 at 04:37 AM
Holy Sh*t I think I just pissed myself!
Oh lord... that was good.
Posted by: janina | January 29, 2007 at 06:14 AM
Where can I buy that shirt???
I swear I pissed myself...
Posted by: janina | January 29, 2007 at 06:15 AM
I agree! The Last Supper..You have nailed it!
Posted by: Texas | January 29, 2007 at 06:25 AM
I truly dig on the platform shoes that u have Tom wearing in the picture...poor wee little man!
Posted by: robin | January 29, 2007 at 06:38 AM
That's quite a fist.
Posted by: blondie | January 29, 2007 at 07:07 AM
i would totally buy one of those "worship me" tees....
Posted by: monica corona | January 29, 2007 at 07:49 AM
Ooh, that mean we can crucify him? Or "Cruise-ify," ho ho, eh, I'll just leave the humor to you :)
Posted by: karenology | January 29, 2007 at 08:26 AM
John Travolta is LIGHT IN THE LOAFERS.
Posted by: Undead Ed | January 29, 2007 at 09:43 AM
As always, you've nailed this one right on the head...hilarious! I read about this a few days ago, and wondered if it would be given the 14 treatment it so richly deserves. I wasn't disappointed! Honestly, do the Scientology leaders who make this preposterous claim realize what a mockery they are making of their religion, such as it is?
Posted by: Katie V. | January 29, 2007 at 10:46 AM
The devil is in the details, so they say, and if that's the case, this piece is pure, unadulterated EVIL. I LOVE IT!
P.S.: Where can I buy one of those "WORSHIP ME" t-shirts?
Posted by: Karin | January 29, 2007 at 10:58 AM
Thanks for the comments!
Let me tell you, I wish I could make and sell these Tom Cruise t-shirts, but He would most certainly sue me if I tried. He likes suing people....not very Christlike if you ask me.
to anonymous: Yes, the painting is only about 70% finished. There's much more detail to add, more tones to flesh out, and several more glazes before I call this thing finished. Will Smith's shoes aren't even painted yet! Thanks for asking though.
xoxo
14
Posted by: 14 | January 29, 2007 at 11:31 AM
You are so brilliant! I love you.
Posted by: mrbigboy | January 29, 2007 at 12:26 PM
Who knew he would grow up to look just like his character in Legend?
This is awesome, funny and scary all at the same time!
Posted by: Erik | January 29, 2007 at 01:20 PM
I think Tommy is living out a real world Da Vinci code, well you know but with more aliens and stuff. Kick'n pick, nice to see his lift shoes are in the pic to, and that 'V' shape
formed by Katie and Toms arms, hmmmm.
Posted by: Damien | January 29, 2007 at 01:58 PM
He always looks terrified to me. I think like the scared-er he is, the harder he smiles, and crinkles. And LAUGHS that big, weird, bursting, cuckoo-sounding laugh of his.....And you know what? I never liked him!! EVER, ever, ever. Even back in the day, when he was tongue kissing that Kelly Mcgillis in Top Gun..he didn't do it for me a'tall.(I feel rather smug) He overacts,(think Eyes Wide Shut) and is not sexy in the slightest. He has crazy eyes, which he hopes we mistake for intense.
He makes me wretch.
Love you tons!!!!
Posted by: andrea | January 29, 2007 at 02:17 PM
Damien,
Don't overlook the baby alien Suri emerging from the "V".
Posted by: Sage | January 29, 2007 at 02:33 PM
Bwahahahahahaha!!!! 14, you have made my Monday. Nasty case of blues and you took them away!!!! Love you, girl.
I love the platform shoes peeking out from under the table. And Katie, well, she's...as lost as last years Easter egg.
Save for Will Smith. They're truly out of their minds. I'm quite sure Will Smith is smart enough not to get trapped into such a joke such as $cientology.
Thanks again for the loud laugh!
Posted by: Chansmom | January 29, 2007 at 02:41 PM
Ooh gosh! This topic is funny and Ridiculous, but you make this brilliant ;)
Saluditos 14!
Posted by: azuka | January 29, 2007 at 02:54 PM
Ummm yeah. Want a shirt!
Posted by: Which came first...the puff or the crunch? | January 29, 2007 at 03:55 PM
You're all full of shit
Brainwashed tabloïds drones
Dumbass taking The fucking Sun paper shit for granted
I'm glad Tom don't even acknowledge this shit
How funny you are so addicted to cruise that you need to create stories, drawings to talk about him
Crazies!!!
Posted by: Vincent | January 29, 2007 at 04:17 PM
Oh my non-$cio God is this funny as hell.
Seriously I HATE GMD but I would totally wear that T-Shirt.
Poor Leah does the dirty work getting J.Lo and yet JT & Kirstie get all the "fame".
BTW--Don't be fooled Will is already converted.
Posted by: WTF | January 29, 2007 at 05:41 PM