Tom Cruise is The Messiah

According to a report in the UK Sun, some Scientology leaders believe Tom Cruise is the "Christ of Scientology". Flabbergasted after reading such a claim, we decided to send a group of undercover agents to investigate the dark recesses of the Los Angeles Church of Scientology in order to seek clues. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence and we obtained it! Our wily agents gained entrance into the fortress by feigning interest in being "audited" and were quickly able to escape unnoticed into the darkness of the church basement. Prying open the safe, our agents were shocked to discover Leopold Da Vinnie's famous painting, "The Scientologist's Last Supper". It clearly shows Tom Cruise as Christ, but leaves several other questions unanswered. For instance, who is the mysterious woman seated to His left and why is she smiling like that? Could she be his...gasp...wife? Is that a Jenny Craig-approved cupcake Kirstie Alley is grabbing? John Travolta is wearing loafers and he's floating - what does this mean? How did Will Smith get mixed up with this bunch? So many questions, so few answers. Medium: Acrylic on board, unfinished. Thanks Holly for the brainstorm.

While snooping through the safe, our investigators also obtained this photo of what appears to be an image of Christ burned into a piece of toast. It's a miracle!

Based on our dangerous, yet thorough investigation, we conclude that Tom Cruise is indeed the Scientology Christ. Just take a look at these t-shirts we found in the basement.

Comments

[Demon Kitty]

These bitches make me sick. They live in a fantasy world. Hollywood is so nauseating. I am sick of seeing his crinkled up nose. He is a fucking bully, a rat-like bully, and this bitch needs to come out of the closet. I am so sick of these motherfuckers. Do they really think we can't see through their bullshit???????!!!!!!! Kirsty Alley and John Travolta are so fucking cheesy! What the fuck is up with Will Smith? Is he gay too or what? Where am I getting this "everyone is gay shit" from? Ted Casablanca at eonline.com! I am getting so sick of gays who play straight so they can cash in on the Cinderella shit that doesn't exist in the first place, except in fucking Hollywood.

So Much Love,
Demon Kitty

[dot]

I propose a toast. *snicker*

Rather, I propose that we make an iron brand for burning the Holy Image of Xenu's Only Begotten Son onto toast and tortillas.

[Ophelia]

What a timely post! I actually just recently watched The Da Vinci Code on DVD, and seeing this mockery really made me laugh. You've created another masterpiece here, 14!

[midevil]

Finally, someone uncovers what we suspected all along. Will is only there to supervise the aliens.

[janina]

Holy Sh*t I think I just pissed myself!

Oh lord... that was good.

[janina]

Where can I buy that shirt???

I swear I pissed myself...

[Texas]

I agree! The Last Supper..You have nailed it!

[robin]

I truly dig on the platform shoes that u have Tom wearing in the picture...poor wee little man!

[blondie]

That's quite a fist.

[monica corona]

i would totally buy one of those "worship me" tees....

[karenology]

Ooh, that mean we can crucify him? Or "Cruise-ify," ho ho, eh, I'll just leave the humor to you :)

[Undead Ed]

John Travolta is LIGHT IN THE LOAFERS.

[Katie V.]

As always, you've nailed this one right on the head...hilarious! I read about this a few days ago, and wondered if it would be given the 14 treatment it so richly deserves. I wasn't disappointed! Honestly, do the Scientology leaders who make this preposterous claim realize what a mockery they are making of their religion, such as it is?

[Karin]

The devil is in the details, so they say, and if that's the case, this piece is pure, unadulterated EVIL. I LOVE IT!
P.S.: Where can I buy one of those "WORSHIP ME" t-shirts?

[14]

Thanks for the comments!

Let me tell you, I wish I could make and sell these Tom Cruise t-shirts, but He would most certainly sue me if I tried. He likes suing people....not very Christlike if you ask me.

to anonymous: Yes, the painting is only about 70% finished. There's much more detail to add, more tones to flesh out, and several more glazes before I call this thing finished. Will Smith's shoes aren't even painted yet! Thanks for asking though.

xoxo
14

[mrbigboy]

You are so brilliant! I love you.

[Erik]

Who knew he would grow up to look just like his character in Legend?

This is awesome, funny and scary all at the same time!

[Damien]

I think Tommy is living out a real world Da Vinci code, well you know but with more aliens and stuff. Kick'n pick, nice to see his lift shoes are in the pic to, and that 'V' shape
formed by Katie and Toms arms, hmmmm.

[andrea]

He always looks terrified to me. I think like the scared-er he is, the harder he smiles, and crinkles. And LAUGHS that big, weird, bursting, cuckoo-sounding laugh of his.....And you know what? I never liked him!! EVER, ever, ever. Even back in the day, when he was tongue kissing that Kelly Mcgillis in Top Gun..he didn't do it for me a'tall.(I feel rather smug) He overacts,(think Eyes Wide Shut) and is not sexy in the slightest. He has crazy eyes, which he hopes we mistake for intense.
He makes me wretch.
Love you tons!!!!

[Sage]

Damien,
Don't overlook the baby alien Suri emerging from the "V".

[Chansmom]

Bwahahahahahaha!!!! 14, you have made my Monday. Nasty case of blues and you took them away!!!! Love you, girl.

I love the platform shoes peeking out from under the table. And Katie, well, she's...as lost as last years Easter egg.

Save for Will Smith. They're truly out of their minds. I'm quite sure Will Smith is smart enough not to get trapped into such a joke such as $cientology.

Thanks again for the loud laugh!

[azuka]

Ooh gosh! This topic is funny and Ridiculous, but you make this brilliant ;)

Saluditos 14!

[Which came first...the puff or the crunch?]

Ummm yeah. Want a shirt!

[Vincent]

You're all full of shit
Brainwashed tabloïds drones

Dumbass taking The fucking Sun paper shit for granted

I'm glad Tom don't even acknowledge this shit

How funny you are so addicted to cruise that you need to create stories, drawings to talk about him

Crazies!!!

[WTF]

Oh my non-$cio God is this funny as hell.

Seriously I HATE GMD but I would totally wear that T-Shirt.

Poor Leah does the dirty work getting J.Lo and yet JT & Kirstie get all the "fame".

BTW--Don't be fooled Will is already converted.

[Kitchen]

Seems like Tom the Messiah paintings are all the rage. I like this one.
http://www.payallin.com/media/tomchrist.jpg

[Demon Kitty]

Sigh ...... in the words of Dr. Hannibal Lecter, "I am taking the chocolate." I can't believe I am going to do this, but I am going through PMS and well, I feel like being a fucking bitch.

Vincent, don't you realize the gossip always has a bit of truth to it? "Oh to hell with it!!!! Fuck it!!!!! Look, you smug little twat, if you are so above "shit" like the "fucking Sun paper shit" then how the fuck did you find this goddamn site? This, like the "fucking Sun paper shit" is gossip and apparently it has some appeal to you otherwise you wouldn't have come here. So you know Tom Cruise personally and know for a fact that all the hype surrounding his insane couch jumping- alien- misogynistic drama is nothing more than a bunch of stories fabricated by us dumbass crazies? Eat merde Vincent! Gloat over your pseudo- superiority in hell bitch! I hope someone shoves "The Sun" so far up your ass that you can never get it out.

[Hippo]

I'm afraid that "Vincent" may be my fault. I pointed this picture out to my fellow posters at FreeKatie.com, one of whom posts under another name, Zohelene. She is a huge Tom Cruise fan and sometimes attacks the Cruise-haters on FreeKatie. When I mentioned Gallery of the Absurd, some of the posters came over to take a look. I believe that Zohelene and Vincent are the same person and that I may have inadvertently caused this problem. I apologize. You might want to consider removing my post as well as Vincent's.

[deanna]

For crying out loud demon kitty you're going to scare off all the crazies if you don't settle down. :0)
what's a gossip site without the normal run of the mill crazies who every monday forget to take their olanzapine? cnn? headline news maybe?
it's so darling to see how sir 666 teeny tiny feet dangle so mightily from his booster seat. a real symbol of power and awesomeness.
and the monkey brains for dinner... so 14, you're a fan of the hit series faces of death? only the crazies know about faces of death...sorry vincent. you may need to sell reality checks elsewhere cause this bunch ain't got the closet space for it.
and for the love of crazy is as crazy does, what is up with the toes on mrs. sir 666? I think the only thing wider than her crazy grin is gap in her flippers. now see, rachael ray would've fit in perfectly next to mrs. sir 666 to offset her self inflicted crazy grin. maybe two crazy grins would've been too over powering and thus distract from sir 666 superior and almighty crazy grin, thus creating a danger for post traumatic stress disorder for the viewer not expecting this amount of crazy grinning all at once from this outfit. see, see this is why i'm not the artist. zenu bless 14 for guading our fragile mental status from these damn grining fools.
geez i must say i love the crazy grinning toast in the cheesy brown fame. priceless.

[14]

Hippo,

Nah, I'll keep "Vincent's" post up. It provides fodder for the social experiment I've been conducting here on GoTA and is a real gem of a comment. My favorite part is at the end: Crazies!!! God, I loved that.

xoxo
14

[Chantelle]

I seriously want one of these shirts...and one of those "Scientology is gay, reall gay!"

14, I can never express my love for thee!
:-)

[Chapatikid]

That's not a cupcake! It's an icecream cone! I love the random alien hands coming in from different sides of the canvas.

[mm]

Social experiment haha….I’d like to see a painting of Demon Kitty shoving The Sun up Vincent’s arse…that might be something to marvel at…you could have fun making up the faces. We are all ‘crazies!!!’ and I find no end to the fascination with our celebridom fascination. I guess there is a paradox contained in everything. I for one loathe myself a bit for succumbing to the delicious satisfaction of celebrity deprecation, but man, it’s fun… But I must say there is a side of me which grieves for my dashing, oh so sane looking Top Gun Tom and somewhere deep down I hope…faintly….that it’s all a media fabricated circus, and that TomKat is truly, genuinely in love…Ahhh…it’s harder to believe it every day.
Brilliant job 14.

[hollywood hater]

You nailed it!! I can't stop laughing,so true

Thanks ;)

[dude]

Instead of WWJD? - maybe we'll start seeing WWTCD? shirts.

[lmj]

love the monkey brains!

[Fred]

A great picture! I love it and represents so well what those nuts actually believe!

I've been reading a thread on a forum which has pages of pictures and write up about this that is listed as my url you have got to see also! There are so many places on the internet a buzz about this that the scientologist can't keep up with them all and they never will. Oh what fun we lowly wogs are having at belief of a deluded rich midget who wont come out of the closet

Keep up the great work!

[Zol]

why is Robin Hood looking at Him like that?

[Blurgle]

Zol, it's because he is a merry man.

[Yetused]

Haha!

I lurve the vulcano in the window!

[Hippo]

Maybe it's just me, but the Katie Holmes character looks more like Melissa Rivers than she does Katie. I'm thinking it's the forehead or the eyes, I can't put my finger on it.

[fragglegirl]

i want to get one of those t-shirts and wear it everywhere! it is perfection.

[Fritz]

Great stuff!

[Jenn F.]

Oh Demon Kitty, I just love you to bits. There's nothing better than when you go on a good PMS rant at some idiot. I wish you lots of chocolatey goodness.

[Karen]

Awesome, it's just great. Thanks to you, whenever I see Cruises strained, forced, over exaggerated grin, I just start cracking up. I really love the flying saucer.

Katie Holmes, in this picture anyways, looks a lot like Katie Couric... but I think that's just me. Great Job on the entire thing.

[Viper Tetsu]

Thou sayest mine Lord's propensitee to smite--ahem, sue--unbelievers such as thyself smacks of non-messianic behaviour, Sinner Girle?

Thee Holy One's Sacred Suits of Law are but ye olde moderne equivalents of overturning thee tables and huts of ye olde treacherous usurerererses (thou try spelling that word) and merchants running roughshod in Ye House of Thee Lord in yon New Testament Days. This be Tom's Galaxy, wench: Ye just liveth in it.

[Mz. Mercury]

I've started visiting Gallery of the Absurd not long after it first appeared. I'm never disappointed, and I think your art is fantastic.

[Victoria]

Check out Tom's cloven hooves!!!

[Viper Tetsu]

Ah, Tom Cruise and Monkey Brains go together like a NASCAR Rally and chili-cheese Fritos.

[Viper Tetsu]

And, hey, everyone quit picking on Vincent! He used an umlaut in his comment so he must be real smart-like.

Hey, I never actually told you how fucking amazing this piece is. This piece is fucking amazing. There, I feel better now.