Gallery of the Absurd

Trump and Rosie's Mud Wrasslin'

Miss 14 is on vacation and has called upon her talented art buddies Tom Bagley and Kipling West to help fill in the gaps so she can continue to indulge in wanton hedonism while blissfully ignoring anything and everything having to do with celebrity gossip. Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell are having a childish mudslinging contest over in their corner of the elementary school yard, bringing in friends like Larry King and Barbara Walters as witnesses. The dead-eyed O'Donnell accused Trump of moral and literal bankruptcy and the short fingered vulgarian responded, predictably, with fat and lesbian comments. What neither of these unpleasant, overbearing children understand is that no one looks good in a mud battle...although they both win in the publicity stakes. Stay tuned for a tearful "forgiveness" scene between these bloated egos when the "feud" stops getting press. Guest writer: Kipling West. Guest artist: Tom Bagley.

Jingle Booze, Jingle Booze

Rip Torn's mug shot inspires a wonderfully disturbing drunken Santa. Arrested after his sleigh collided with a tractor-trailer, jolly old Saint Nick was slapped with a DUI. Gallery of the Absurd would like to wish you Happy Holidays * Merry Christmas * Happy Hannuka * Glorious Kwanzaa * Fortuitious Festivus* Medium: Graphite and acrylic on paper torn out of my sketch book, digital text and hoo ha.

Happy Holidays From the Vicodin Elf

Santa's bad little Vicodin Elf was pulled over and given a DUI after she was spotted driving the wrong way on a freeway. She admitted to smoking pot and taking vicodin before getting behind the wheel, but she only did it because she had menstrual cramps. I didn't know menstrual cramps gave starlets the carte blanche to climb into giant SUVs and barrel down the freeway going the opposite direction, but that's the hare-brained logic of celebrity culture for you. Nicole Richie's mug shot was a shocker. Before the photo was released, I imagined Nicole would have red-rimmed watery eyes, disheveled hair, smeared makeup and a woeful thousand yard stare. Instead, she looked like a tiny elf. Medium: graphite and acrylic on paper, narcotics added digitally.

Rocky Balboa in Twenty Years

Rocky Balboa is the neverending story of the underdog prize fighter who always manages to win. In the sixth installment of the series, the 60 year old Sylvester Stallone shows he's still got what it takes despite the fact he's often compared to looking like his mother or poked fun of in a newspaper headline calling him "...more stocky than Rocky". Rocky Balboa has received favorable reviews from the Hollywood Reporter and Variety, but it's going to be nothing compared to the future greatness of Rocky 7: Nursing Home Rumble. Slated for release on December 20, 2026, Stallone will once again prove that he can still throw a bloody punch. Watch with unabashed glee as the 80-year old Rocky pummels his geriatric neighbors Arnold Shwarzenegger and Steven Seagal. Medium: Acrylic and charcol on paper with wine spilled on it. Much thanks to clever Kipling for the brainstorm.

We predict Sylvester Stallone will continue to sport his current pointy black eyebrows and poorly-fitted jet black toupee well into his eighties. If he's not careful, he'll also destroy his charming hangdog expression with gallons of botox resulting in an epic battle between droopy and puffy. This could be the subject of Rocky 8: Gravity vs. Excessive Cosmetic Surgery.

The Perez Hilton Dart Board

The best selling holiday gift in Hollywood is the Perez Hilton Dart Board. Stores can't keep it in stock! The "Queen of All Media" boasts to be "Hollywood's Most-Hated Web Site" and proudly lives up to this claim. Perez is known for feuding with Tara Reid, pissing off Jennifer Aniston, harping on Beyonce, insulting Rachel Zoe....oh the list goes on and on. The Perez Hilton Dart Board can be found at Walgreens and is made of high-quality materials imported from China. Due to the size of Perez's head, extra bolts and bracing are included so that your walls won't collapse under its weight. Hurry, get your dart board before the photo agencies buy them all up. Medium: Gouache on paper.

The Bald Beaver, Good Yule Hunting and The Mel Menorah

NPR sponsored a Holiday Craft Contest seeking quirky hand-made ornaments, menorahs and kinaras inspired by the news of 2006. One of my favorites from the many entries is this little Bald Beaver inspired by the recent trend of starlets flashing their...err, bald beavers for the world to see. The Bald Beaver was designed and created by Kipling West.

Dick Cheney getting ready to blast a dove of peace to oblivian with his shotgun.

The Mel Gibson menorah. Oy vey!

Here's Gallery of the Absurd's contribution. It's a skeleton woman with collagen lips, hair extensions, fake eyelashes, inflated boobs and a tiara. She represents the Hollywood beauty standard. Yes, her dress is hiked up on purpose.

See all the entries here.

Lindsay Lohan's Brand Defamation

Strawberry Quik, an artificially flavored powdered drink mix favored by sugar-infused children, has been transformed into a cocaine condiment allegedly favored by certain booze-infused starlets. Strawberry Quik imparts a fashionable shade of baby pink and balances the bitter aftertaste with a cloying sugary sweetness. When Page Six ran a blind item asking "which hard-partying Hollwood starlet...cuts her coke with strawberry Quik", bloggers were quick to speculate Lindsay Lohan as the culprit. I wonder how the Nestle Company feels about Lindsay's unlikely association with one of their respected brands? Medium: Ink on paper, digital color.

Continuing her swath of destruction, Lindsay picks Al Gore as her next brand defamation target. According to Page Six, Lindsay sent a bizarre email out to her friends and lawyers, writing "Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he'd be happy to have a conversation with me." Al Gore's publicists worked quickly to distance him from the poison of the Lohan. Medium: photo collage.

Get your hot Lindsay Lohan "Be Adequite" T-shirt here!

Britney, Lindsay and Paris: The Three Disgraces

La Primavera is one of Sandro Botticelli's best known paintings. The angelic figures shown in this ethereal work of art all represent mythological characters. While viewing this painting at the Uffizi, my eyes were drawn to the fluid movement and delicate beauty of the Three Graces. According to Greek mythology, the Three Graces represent beauty, charm and joy. Contemporary mythological characters such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are the antithesis of grace. This makes them the Three Disgraces. They represent sleaze, trash, and desperate cry for attention. What makes these women think we want to see high resolution photos of their bald, flabby, and in Britney's case, Kevin Federline-infected genitalia? If they want to show off their crotch, why don't they just go ahead and pose for Playboy? Their girlie bits would be thankfully photo retouched to oblivion and our precious eyeballs would be spared the harsh detail of pimples, stubble, cesarean scar and general ickiness sullying their private parts. Medium: Acrylic on board.