Gallery of the Absurd

Janice Dickinson's New Modeling Job

Phrenology was a popular 19th century "science" believed to accurately predict personality and character traits by studying the size and shape of the skull. No phrenologist office was complete without a ceramic phrenology head, and soon no 21st century plastic surgery office will be without the Janice Dickinson Cosmetic Plastic Surgery bust. This useful new tool allows surgeons to explain all available cosmetic procedures to their patients before they undergo the knife. It's made of durable high density polymer and includes most every cosmetic surgery procedure currently available. If you're considering cosmetic plastic surgery, now you can see what your results might look like...and you just might think twice.

This Gallery of the Absurd illustration appears the cover of Janice Dickinson's book "Everything About Me Is Fake...And I'm Perfect".

"Supermodel Janice Dickinson tackles the perils of looking perfect, debunks beauty myths, and offers commonsense advice about looking good cheaply, easily, and on your own terms, while feeling good about yourself no matter what."         

Put down your Kierkegaard and buy Janice's book immediately! You know you want to.

A special thank you to .net Magazine for the interview with 14. Read it here.

What's That Smell?

Gallery of the Absurd is pleased to announce the first in our series of "Celebrity Stench: The Glut of Celebrity Perfumes." Did you know that celebrity fragrances represent the fastest growing segment of the perfume market? Everyone from Lindsay Lohan, Posh and Becks, to Marilyn Manson has or is planning to launch yet another fragrance to pollute the air. Racing to cash in on his dwindling "firecrotch" fame, Brandon Davis has announced his new fragrance, Huile de Firecrotch. This oil-based perfume features top notes of dusty oil fields, profuse sweat and greasy In-n-Out burgers and finishes with a faint odor of Paris Hilton. Available now at Wal-Mart, but like most celebrity fragrances, you might just be able to find Huile de Firecrotch clogging up trash piles and landfills across the country. Medium: Ink on paper, digital color.

The Man-Eating Party Panda

The Lohan Party Panda can be found roaming the hottest clubs across New York, Las Vegas and Hollywood. Quite often, it can also be spotted in various hospital emergency rooms. This lusty little red panda has an enormous appetite for the male species and is a highly skilled predator. The Party Panda's natural enemy is the Paris Hilton Ass Ostrich and one may observe their warring behavior documented inside the pages of The Glossy Field Guide to Hollywood Animals. Medium: Ink and acrylic on paper, Latin phrase by Michael K. Illustration done for Animal Magazine

The Truth Behind Starlet Crotch Photos

There has been an alarming increase in the frequency of starlet crotch photos across the blogosphere. You'd have to be from Jupiter if you've not yet seen photos of Paris Hilton's weathered bits splashed all over the internet. If you've checked the gossip blogs lately, you've also been subjected to the regrettable vision of Lindsay Lohan's "fire crotch" as she exits a vehicle while wearing a miniskirt sans underwear in front of a pack of eager paparazzi. Our reporters here at Gallery of the Absurd wanted to get to the bottom of this disturbing trend and we can now share with you what we learned:

(click to enlarge)

We're pleased to report that these young ladies are simply wearing Karl Lagerfeld's sizzlingly sexy new line of lingerie - Seductive Baboon. Lagerfeld noticed striking similarity between the mating behavior of the female baboon and that of certain free-wheeling Hollywood starlets and was inspired to create a line of underwear that resembles the swollen ass of a baboon.  We know, it's hard to tell the difference, but that's where Lagerfeld's genius is apparent. Sexy, no? Karl shares his insight with us:

We adore the Paris Hilton version of Seductive Baboon underwear! They even have a little pocket sewn on so that "Crabby" has a dark place to hide when there's too much sunlight disturbing him.  Folks, there's no longer any need to gouge out your eyeballs after you see yet another photo of Hilton's crotch...rest assured, she's wearing Seductive Baboon. Available at fine stores everywhere.

Celebrity Endorsement Idea No. 285: Andy Ick

Andy Dick is notorious for unleashing tongue bath assaults on unsuspecting reporters and fellow entertainers. Now anyone can experience the lick of the ick when they use Andy Dick's Body Wash and Disinfectant! This amazing state-of-the-art bath product adds a new level of fun to your shower. Not only does it leave you sparkling clean, it disinfects too! You'll never need to worry about catching any germs and your skin will be left with the intoxicating scent of stale cigarettes and whiskey. Simply rub the realistic sponge tongue applicator all over your body while showering and you'll soon experience the sudsy saliva clean feeling that until now, was only available to celebrity roast participants and Las Vegas call girls/boys. Start each morning with the lick of the ick!

Suri's First Portrait

Since so many people are debating over whether Suri Cruise looks Asian or not, I decided to include a little Asian influence in her portrait. Many bloggers made jokes about little Suri's "Elvis" hair, so I've added a shiny black pompadour and sideburns. There are also other secret symbols based on more controversial rumors included as well. Medium: Gouache and watercolor on paper.