Gossip Trading Cards: Creepy Dad

Viewing Joe Simpson through the filthy looking glass of celebrity gossip, he appears as the Creepiest Dad in Hollywood.  You won't find this term printed in the tabloids, but bloggers have no problems pointing out their perception of Jessica and Ashlee's daddy/manager. Papa Simpson elevated his own level of creep straight into the stratosphere a few years ago while speaking of daughter Jessisca's ample assets. This little gem came a'tumbling out of his mouth: "If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!" Not the words you'd expect from a former Baptist minister.  Shudder.

On top of that, Joe has adopted the slick (and often hilarious) fashion sense typically seen on aging men in Hollywood. This means wearing expensive silk shirts with bold images of fire breathing dragons and hotrod flames, oversized jewelry, and complicated jeans purchased from hip youthful boutiques. If you're going to ogle boobs, you may as well be dressed like a clownish strutting peacock.

This is first of my collection of trading cards based on Hollywood archetypes created from gossip-inspired folk tales.  I'm doing a set of 25 and all will be posted as soon as I finish each one. Medium: graphite and ink on board, digital color.

Nathaniel R from The Film Experience was kind enough to post an interview with me and you can read it here. His cinematic musings are much more interesting than my blathering nonsense, so do be sure and check out his blog. Also many thanks to TMZ.

Comments

[jayco]

Love the nose.

Right on, 14.

[DonnaJEM]

Ew, he's all sweaty, and his face is all wonky, and his fingers are all creepy, and his front tuft of hair looks like a scorpians tail, and his dream cloud boobies are all......ewwwwwwwww!!!

IT'S AWESOME!!!!!!!!

God I love you.

[emma kate]

I'm going to have nightmares about this image for a very long time.

Seriously.
HE IS SO SKETCHY.

[MC]

I like that little bit of sweat... makes it look like he is just dripping that sleaze.

[Blondie]

Maybe he feels that he is entitled to talk about his daughter's breasts because he paid so much for them?

Anyway he reminds me of that skit on Kids In The Hall:

"He's Hip - He's Cool - He's 45!"

[Cyclops Kitten Natividad]

Such a sleaze, that man. (not skeevy though. Skeevy would be young Vilmer what's his butt, known for deflowering Hollywood's finest...a true cherry poppin' dandy).
There are days and photo angles where I can't tell Papa Joe from Dan Quayle...is that wrong of me?

[Jen]

That is the scariest thing I have ever seen.

You rule, once again.

[arb]

that man is icky. makes me want to scrub a layer of my skin off.

[Teresa]

Oh hell yeah-right on.

This guy is just sick-sick, sick, sick!

[Andrea]

We all know people like him that are not celebs, they are just normal 45 year olds who think they are hip & cool, dressing flashy/sexy/trendy (which only serves to highlight their age and inappropriatness).. But he, being the Dad of someone whose fame he cultured like a discount pearl, feels so entitled to the spotlight, and is therefore, deluded and 10 times skeevier.
But a refreshing change from Baby-itis.

[Marcy Weissmann]

SO TRUE......about Joe Simpson! What a poser! This guy was a Baptist youth pastor for years....& now he's his daughter's manager/agent. And what does he do to promote his young talent? How does he showcase his daughter's God-given talents? OH, let me count the ways: multiple cover shots in MAXIM, having her stuffed into the underpant looking "daisy dukes" while sliding all over a soapy car. Yeah, Joe, you're a real class act. And Mr. Simpson...do you not realize that the diamond earrings and your designer jeans look RIDICULOUS on a 50+ yr old man (& former Baptist pastor??) He looks like a wanna-be. Next thing you know he'll be putting out a rap album with K-Fed. I can just picture it....he'll have a reality show to capture his new relationship with Federline. This guy is really a piece of work - and so are the daughters. All they care about now is Hollywood. They left their Christian, humble roots in the dust the minute they started making it big. Talk about forgetting where you came from.

[Long Island Irish]

Oh my lord what a card collection! Don't forget to add K-Fed, Wack Jacko and Crazy Cruise into the creepy daddy pack. :)

[Liz]

The breast bubbles are genius. An inspired detail.

[BamBam]

*screams*
OK so i was just innocently gazing into his eyes and musing about how CREEPY he looks....and then i noticed his hands!
Man are they creepy! thery are kinda crawly and fingery and searching and downright scary. Thank you for pointing out to me how creepy a cartoon hand can be

[Demon Kitty]

A fruit so swollen with juice, it longs for the prick of a knife? Interesting and beguiling .... I enjoyed your interview. Now you have me curious about "Cremaster". I am such a philistine. Tom and Cruise are two things that don't go together - I totally agree with you - let's just think about all the meanings of the word "Tom" not to mention "cruise". Ew!!!

You really have captured the essence of this nasty man - a man who pimps his daughters- you can't help but wonder if he tried to fuck them. His two fingers - the two fingers- they have that "we've been inserted in a lot of orifices look". The man is disgusting. I just can't help but wonder how the Simpson's got this far and why? My cats are more talented than these mother fuckers. If the Simpsons can conquer Hollywood, than my precious evils should as well.

So much love,

Demon Kitty

P.S. You're a genius!

[katie scarlett]

14.... do you sit there and crack up laughing when you create these hysterical pieces of work? I cannot imagine you being able to keep a straight face! Congratulations once again on your continued success!

[Javelin]

I think at the bottom of Joe's creepiness is a huge ego that lets him view Jessica and Ashlee as extentions of himself. That's why he always brags about their bodies like they're his property.

If we really could read his mind it would probably be deeply disturbing. Like this playing card. Nice work, 14.

[Crees_dahl]

God Damn your good!!!!

[Gise!!e]

Love it!

He is the creepiest. :O

[Morrigan]

Baptist ministers like icky Joe Simpson (okay all priests/ministers of that ilk) are the reason I left that whole Christian thing far behind. I love the boob bubbles/clouds!

[Kristen]

I am a christian.
Joe is not the greatest dad and probably diserves being made fun of, but everyone has flause.

[Chansmom]

Ewwww, that guy is out of his mind. And for so many reasons.

[Marie]

So accurate and well done. I pray he sees it. Pastor dude needs to wake up and grow up. He dresses like an aging rock star, surfer boy when he is in fact only aging.

One of your best. Can't wait to see the rest.

[Melissa]

Will the "celebrity baby" you did last week be one of the archetypes? It would fit in perfectly with the theme, and it's the perfect scale for a trading card! Love all your work. Amazing.

[Andrea]

Everyone has floss, (and FLAWS-or flause)too, but not everyone uses it. And furthermore, it is a dis-service (that we don't diserve) (LOL, sorry-I am making fun of someone's typos) to us to have to see Jessica Simpleton every dang time we open a magazine thanks to this skeevoso.. :-/
14- I am certain you are familiar with the famous quote, something like, We get the culture we deserve.
well, at least we get YOU!!!!
xo